Things I didn't want to hear

This was a good article on Facebook. The title of it is "5 things I didn't want to hear when I was grieving and 1 thing that helped." I won't record the whole article-just excerpts.

This lady had triplets after years of infertility and two of them passed away.

Before then (when her children died), I didn't know much about child loss; it was unchartered territory. Like most people, I wouldn't know how to respond or what to say if a friend's child passed away (don't like that word for some reason).

But two years later, I have found that some things are better left unsaid. These comments come from a good place, and I know people mean well, but they sure do sting.

Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent-and the thing I love to hear instead.

1.  "Everything happens for a reason."
     It's a cringeworthy comment for those of us who have lost a child. Sometimes, there is no rhyme
     or reason why things happen in life. A parent should not outlive their child.

     This phrase goes along with another I often hear:  "God only gives us what we can handle." I
     remember talking with my childhood rabbi the night before my son passed away, and I asked
     her, "Why me?" Her response is something I now live by every single day. She said, "God
     doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given." (Love it!)

2.  "They are in a better place."
     Instead of comforting, this is a phrase that makes me feel down in the dumps. Children are
     meant to be in the loving arms of their parents.

     I think I speak for every grieving parent when I say, we would give anything to hold our babies
     again.

3.  "At least you have one survivor (other kids). Count your blessings."
     I like to think of myself as a positive person. But even two years later, my heart still aches for
     (Hayden). And on the most difficult, dark days of grief, it's hard to "count my blessings."

     Yes, I am blessed. I have (two children) who (are) the light of my life. But (they) should be (able
      to be with their brother).

4.  "You are still young. You can have more children. (doesn't apply, obviously)

5.  "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't imagine losing (a child)."
     Some days I don't know how I do it either. But we learn how to live with it. We learn a "new
     normal", and in those tough moments, we celebrate that we survived the day. This comment is
     a difficult reminder of our grief and the (child) who was sent to heaven.

So, what should you say to a grieving parent?

There are no words to take the pain away, of course, but simply letting that person know you are there for them is more than enough.