August 20, 2015

I woke up to get ready for work like any other Thursday. It was about 8:30 and I was just about dressed and ready when Jake came over and asked if you were still at home because you hadn't made it to one of the two water polo clinics you were helping with that morning. You had been helping with two all week and I knew the second one was at Chippewa but I could never remember all week where the first one was. (For any other readers, turns out it was at Liberty Sports Complex). I knew the first one was from 8-10 and the second was from 10-12. You had plans to go to Sleeping Bear Dunes with the Calimente family that afternoon at 2 pm for a long weekend, so you were happy you were able to squeeze one more clinic in that day before leaving. Later on when I was home, I noticed that you had a pile of clothes on your chair to pack for your trip.
   Anyway, Jake said he had tried to call you but you hadn't answered. He also told me that you had stopped on the way to the clinic at Katie's to pick up the caps and balls that she forgot. We didn't really know what to do at the time, because it was weird that we couldn't find you and it was weird that you weren't answering your phone. I sent a text to you that said, "Where r u?" Jake decided to leave and trace your route to see if he could find you. He got a hold of Dad who was out to breakfast with his mom to meet and help him.
  At home, I didn't know what to do. I texted E to let her know that I wouldn't be into work yet because we couldn't find you. I wondered at what point to contact the police since it hadn't been that long since you were missing. I woke up Hope and I checked on annarbor.com to see if there were any accidents that morning. I did come across the accident on Wagner Rd., but I didn't even know if you would have been on Wagner since I forgot where the first clinic was. The picture only showed the truck and the ambulance and not your car, so I didn't think that was you.
   A little while later, E texted that the police were at the office looking for me. I freaked out. E asked if she should come over. I told her yes. I quickly woke up Carter and finished getting ready. The police soon pulled up in the driveway and I was really upset at that point before they even got to the door, expecting the worst. I kept saying, "No, Hayden, No!". The police came to the door and told me that you were in an accident and you had been airlifted to the hospital. The policemen offered us a ride to the U of M. We grabbed some things and ran out the door. The officers were Larry Hrinik and Belknap. E pulled in soon after and said she could drive Hope. They decided to go to Busch's to tell Grandma Joonie and get her, so it was me and Carter in the back seat of the police SUV. 
   The officers really had no information on anything. At that point I was just grateful that you were still alive. The ride to the hospital took so long because of traffic and then even longer when we were closer to the hospital because there had been a car fire in the parking garage a little while before that (I saw white smoke coming off the top of the parking garage and thought it was odd-come to find out later that eight cars were affected by that fire), so traffic was insane. On the ride there, Carter and I prayed for you. I asked the officers why no one would have used your cell phone to contact us or try to respond to calls or texts that the cell phone received. They said that cell phones go off all the time, so they aren't even used (we found out later that your cell phone was destroyed anyway). I asked the officers if it was ever a pain for them to drive anywhere without the sirens because of people seeing them behind them and slowing way down. They laughed and said it was really annoying because people would go even slower than the speed limit when they noticed a police car behind them.
   When we finally got the ER, we were thinking you would be in the child's ER because of your age, but you were in the adult ER (we found out later the reason for this-since you were basically unknown when you were admitted, they guessed your age to be 23. You probably would have thought that was cool they thought you were older). When Carter and I got to the check-in desk at the ER, we saw Lisa and her friend Tiffany in the waiting area. (Tiffany works with Lisa in the hospital gift shop. She was very supportive and informative. When she started telling us about what to expect, I asked her what her role was because she knew so much. I had hoped I hadn't sounded rude, I just wanted to keep track of who was who). A social worker met us and brought us to another waiting room where Dad was and a few other people. Hope and E weren't there yet. They brought me, Dad and Carter in to see you in the ER. You were just lying on a table-I just thought you were still knocked out from the accident and had no idea how serious your injuries were. I don't know if the doctor told us then or later that you had coded a few times at the scene. We briefly spoke with the doctor and then went back to the waiting room.
   Later, you were moved to the Trauma Burn unit (I asked if you were burned, but was told that the unit is for both trauma and burn. I thought the whole time that there needed to be a "slash" added to all the signs between Trauma and Burn). I think at that point we were brought into the other waiting room. Pastor Worrell was there (Steve's dad) and he was a huge help. I forgot at what point Pastor Matt came. We met the airlift team in the hallway-three guys at one point and they gave us your "wings". A police seargant (I apparently have no idea how to spell that word) was there, Lisa King, and she asked us a few questions about you, like if you had a girlfriend you recently broke up with, etc.(I thought that was a weird question). Coach Katie was in the waiting room and I asked the officer if there was a way to get the caps and balls out of your car and get them to her. The officer said it was no problem and Katie said she received them later that day. Katie was very touched that I made sure she got those back. I knew that would have been important to you too.
   At some point the neurologist came in and said you had suffered a severe (I think he used the word devastating) brain injury. I think he said they were going to let you rest and see if you would wake up and that we could see you then. More people had gathered and Pastor read some Psalms and then he sang a hymn (I will have to try and remember which one). No one knew the words to that hymn so I suggested we all sing "Amazing Grace." A few people prayed, and even I prayed aloud in the room full of people. People I remember being there: Becky, the Judges, both Pastors, the Aulisas, Grandma Joonie, Lisa (by the way, the minute Lisa and Grandma Joonie saw each other, they held hands and have been "besties" ever since), Kaisa and Tony, Brenda and Dale, Amanda, Hope and E arrived, Sarah Noonan - there were more people, but I have to think about it who.
   I remember while we were waiting for news/to see you, I left the waiting room to use the bathroom. When I went in the hallway, it was packed with water polo boys and some of their parents. I went through and hugged each one of them and thanked them for coming. It was overwhelming how many were there and how fast they got to the hospital.
   Every time the neurologist came in, the news was worse. I don't remember if at that point he said anything about it not being a survivable injury. He might have said at the time as well that your pupils had been fixed and dilated since the accident. He gave us a time that we could see you, but that time came and went. I was hoping that it was a good thing-that there were improvements, but we found out later that you had coded again, maybe more than once. When we finally went down to see you (me, Dad, Hope & Carter), you were in the very end room of the unit. I remember looking at the floor and there were gingko leaf shapes inlaid  in the wooden floor. That walk seemed so long every time thereafter. When we saw you, you were all hooked up to machines and had dried blood on you and there were a bunch of staples in your head to close up the large cut you had. There was white powder all over the floor and I asked what it was-they said it was from casting your broken legs. There was a tube in your mouth and your eyes were not quite closed-I remember that is how you slept when you were a baby-with the little slits of your eyes still being open. I tried to look in your eyes and asked if you were still in there, and, if you were, to come back to us. We prayed and sang some songs like "Jesus Loves Me."
   After that it was just a waiting game. The neurologist told us there were several tests they had to go through to check for brain activity and that there were different ones for children since you were under 18 than for adults. He said that there were some reflexes from one round of tests, but during the next round, that even those were gone. He said that any other injury can be fixed but not a brain injury.
   More and more people came to the hospital. They let people in to see you but they had to restrict it to four at a time because of other patients in the unit. (Gary Finkbeiner pointed out to me later that the doctors must have known that you were not going to recover at that point or they would have restricted visitors altogether. I didn't even think about this at the time. They probably just had to go through the motions to comply with the time requirements for declaring brain death). People waited and waited for their chance to see you. I remember Robert and Kristin, Alex, Julian, people from the cross country and track team, and people I didn't even know.
   That's how the rest of that afternoon and evening went-tons of people coming through and a big line in the hallway to see you. The staff kept telling us that we had to keep the hallway clear because it was their only way to get through. We tried but it was hard with so many people coming and going. Because of my horrible sense of direction, I didn't even realize that we were on the first floor and that the waiting room was right around the corner. You should have seen the waiting room-it was packed too! A lot of your friends were playing cards and I told them you would be jealous that you weren't able to play with them.
   I remember having a conversation with one of the doctors (he looked like Tom from "Parks and Rec") asking if we would want you revived again if you coded. Dad and I decided no, since you had already coded several times. (Note: might do a separate post about Gift of Life): At some point though, Gift of Life came into the equation since you had signed up to be a donor on your driver's license. We had to approve it since you were underage, but we knew you would want to do that. It was a miracle that your torso was virtually untouched in the accident and that all of your organs were fine. (I realized later that that was the reason you were even alive at the scene-to keep your organs going).We ended up having a meeting with the Gift of Life people and that "Tom" doctor. Dr. Brown (for any readers, he is the dad of two boys on the water polo team and is a plastic surgeon at the U of M) was working, so we asked him to join us for the meeting as well as Pastor Matt. Two ladies represented Gift of Life. I really didn't know why were in the meeting anyway-I was thinking it was preliminary and had not realized that this organ donation was going to happen, in other words, that you were not going to survive. The doctor explained that if we were going to go through with organ donation that we had have to change your status to "do resuscitate" since the organs needed oxygen and blood to keep them healthy and alive to be able to be used. It took me a little while to understand that, since there were opposite goals at stake. The meeting went as well as it could have gone, and I was happy we had the additional advisement of Pastor Matt and Mr. Brown.
   I am not sure if this was Thursday or Friday, but a child life specialist wanted to meet with Hope and Carter. She had some activities for them to do-once again, I wasn't comprehending why at this point. I was wondering if they were just preparing for the worst, but looking back I guess they all knew that you weren't going to wake up. They decided on doing an activity with colored sand in little trays and picking things out from some plastic bags of small objects that represented you. They choose things like a mirror (they both said because you always looked good), tropical plants for Haiti, money because you always had money everywhere, etc. They turned out nice and the lady took pictures of each one-I think she was supposed to email us the pictures but I don't remember ever getting them. That same lady also had some white model magic and made a handprint from your giant hand. It was really nice of them to think of all those things and they also gave us a lock of your hair.
   The different tests came and went with the waiting time in between. That gave us some hope, but it probably shouldn't have. There was a test scheduled for Friday morning which you didn't "pass" and they pronounced your death at 1:30 on August 21 although they are pretty sure that you died sometime on Thursday afternoon. Even though the 21st is on your death certificate, I still consider the 20th to be your date of death. (Side note: I felt bad because Hope was thinking that there was still another test that we were waiting for. I had to tell her that they did both tests at the same time and what that meant-that you were gone. It was very hard to tell her and Carter that in such blatant terms, but I felt they HAD to know and understand that fact that you were dead. That is by far probably the worst conversation I have ever had and ever will have to have with anyone).
   I didn't realize that I never finished this. That was the worst day of my life, sweet boy. I just wanted to write about it so I didn't forget the details, although I probably still did. I will never get over the loss of you, I will just have to learn to live with it somehow. Help me to do this, God!