Why bother

Lately I've been questioning everything, even my own beliefs, thanks to Pastor. I've never felt like this before, but I'm wondering why I try so hard to do the right thing, etc. It's not making a difference to anyone. In fact, it's causing me heartache. It seems like it would be so easy to just walk away from my marriage or let Bill go. Haven't I put up with enough? What is the point of continuing to suffer? And being bashed by Pastor? Why do I have to do all the changing? What does Bill have to do?

I'm also not sure how I feel about what happened with Katrina. Why isn't Steve being punished too? He played a part in the deceit. Or is it because he is repentant of it? I don't know. I just don't know how I feel about her being targeted more than him. Maybe he made some mistakes as well. How was he trying to save his marriage by going along with the divorce? I don't get it.

I also don't like how I am treated at work. Like an idiot. I make mistakes sometimes. I can't always explain what happened or what I was thinking, but I fix my mistakes when I make them. I'm not setting out to screw things up or anything. I've been here for six years. I pretty much know what I am doing.

Also, why am I working out and watching what I eat? I'm not losing any weight. I'm still wearing the same pants size. I still look like a blimp in pictures. It's hard work and it hurts. And now I've backslid from missing last week. It's weird how everything just teeters. One slip-up and it's hard to get back to where you were. And then I think, what was so great about where I was or where I am anyway? It could always be worse, I know. But it could be better too.

And then Hope had that little dig about how clean the Judges' house is. I'm sorry-they hire people to clean it and it's a ton bigger. I shouldn't have to be compared to them or anyone else. I work so hard on everything-cleaning, laundry, my job, my health, taking care of my kids, everything. Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to show for it or one slip-up, and someone is there to point and criticize.

Back to Pastor, I don't appreciate how he gives an example of a microphone being in my house and what if everything was broadcast. Is that how everyone needs to live their life? Like they're on stage? There's such a thing as privacy. People get upset, etc., say the wrong thing. It just feels like everyone else can do whatever they want except me. Am I held to a higher standard? Did I make my standard higher? I try to stay humble but I know how great I can be (almost said "I am" but felt weird saying that). Does that intimidate people? I know how I was jealous of Jennifer Lewis. But she's just being herself. She doesn't try to be better, she just is. Is that how I am? I don't know.