Shattered-Part Six

Part Six   Future Impact

Chapter 43   Identity Crisis:  "Who Am I Now?"
"I will never forget the moment when your heart stopped and mine kept beating." -Angela Miller

The loss of a child strikes us at the core of our beings. Part of us has suddenly, perhaps forcefully, stolen away. Where did they go?

"I don't know who I am or who I'll become, but I'll never be the same. I don't want to be."

Chapter 44   Purpose:   "Everything Feels Meaningless"
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."  -Kenji Miyazawa

Life changes the moment our child took their last breath.

Yet there is a sense in which we can use the swift current of our grief to honor our child and help ourselves adjust and recover.

Nothing can bring perspective to life than death. We knew that none of us is promised tomorrow. Now we have experienced this hard truth. We see people, life, and events more clearly. We have new eyes. We now know anything can happen to anyone at any time.

How we live and respond to this loss matters deeply - not just for ourselves, but for all those around us. Living well in the midst of all this will demand a clear sense of purpose.

Our purpose transcends every role we have

Our children are tremendously important. Even through their death, they teach us about life. Our child can assist us in discovering and defining our life's purpose. This is part of their legacy to us. We can use our grief to honor them by living more intentionally than ever.

We honor our children when we live with purpose.

"Help someone else who has lost a child. Be a shoulder or an ear for a grieving parent. You can make more of a difference than you realize."

Chapter 45   Memorials:  "I Can Almost See Him Smiling"
"And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair."
-Henri Nouwen

Memorials can be powerful, and healing

Our memorials, our children - can have more impact than we realize

Our children mattered. They still do, and always will.

"I'll find memorials that will honor you and bring a smile to your face. I love you."

"Your child's life counted, and counts still. Celebrate them any you can!"

Chapter 46   Holidays:  "Can't We Just Skip the Holidays?"
"The past does not haunt us. We haunt the past."  -Augusten Burroughs

For those of us enduring loss, (holidays) are often devoured by the absence of our loved one.

The key is being proactive and creative

It will be emotional but that doesn't mean it can't be good

Watch out for the expectations of others. You get to choose what to do, how, when, and with whom

Chapter 47   Birthdays and Anniversaries:  "Certain Days Are Hard"
"Those we love never truly leave us, Harry."  -J.K. Rowling

Birthdays and death anniversaries are two of the toughest

They remind us of what was and is no longer

Shift:  Begin to view these days as times of remembrance and opportunities to celebrate the life of our child and tell their story

"Special days won't ever be easy again, but you can make them good."

Chapter 48   Helping Siblings:  "How Do We Help the Other Kids?"
"The reason it hurts so much to separate us is because our souls are connected." -Nicholas Sparks

Losing a sibling growing up is a painful and traumatic experience

Grieve openly/talk openly

Be with them. Share with them. Be available.

Chapter 49   Endurance:  "Does It Ever Get Any Better?"

There is no exact timelines for the progression of our grief

There are only patterns

Intensity of our emotions will most likely lessen

Loss settles in at new levels

Moments of shock and denial recede and diminish, giving way to a dull and heavy awareness of reality

As we grieve, our children get assimilated into our lives in new ways. We don't move on without them or leave them behind. They become even more a part of us. We heal, but we're not the same. We learn to live with a hold in our hearts.

We grieve because we dared to love

Chapter 50   Finding Hope:  "I'll Learn to Live Again"
"Grief never ends...but it changes."  -Unknown
(reminds me of grief quote in your program or thank you notes)

We sense hope's presence again

Our child has become more of a part of us. They have settled into their always-place in our hearts, though they are no longer physically present in our daily lives.

Love endures. It always has. It always will.

(Hope) waits, and blesses us when we're ready

This is hard. It's not for sissies. You have far more courage than you realize.

Concluding Thoughts:  A Personal Perspective on Grief and Loss

Not all losses are deaths

And a death is not simply one loss either

I could only control my responses

I resolved to face grief and loss head-on, to fight, and to heal

I believe God knows our pain. More than this, I believe He feels it.

He is well acquainted with grief

Death has been conquered

Matthew 11: 28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.