Both to blame?

From Flying Free

And...This is Why Abuse Flourishes. Can We Provoke Someone to Abuse?
by Sheila Wray Gregoire


When there's abuse in marriage, are both parties to blame? Or is it just the abuser to blame?

I honestly wish I didn't have to ask that question, but last week a commenter left this on my post about emotionally destructive marriages:

I believe almost ALL issues in a marriage are created by both. The pastor could have used some more tactful words, but ultimately, he had a point: if one person is having an affair, it may be a sign of underlying issues both partners have to work on, such as creating more intimacy and communication. I also read how your wife did not accept any compliments, etc. I know how so many women sabotage the efforts of their husbands and in the end it spirals out of control. Sometimes causing the man to be abusive and then all the fingers are pointing to him. I think it is RARE that an abusive husband is abusive in isolation. If the woman constantly rejects him, criticizes or (subtly) controls his every move, then I would get angry, too! So I think marriage issues are often a mirror for what is going on with each individual. I cannot stand it when ONE of the two is fully blamed. It is rarely so.

This really ticked me off, and when I shared it on social media, it ticked off pretty much everyone there, too.

But I do think that this attitude is still a prevalent one in Christian circles, and so I'd like to take today and totally debunk it.

Can You "Provoke" Someone into Abusing You? Why you are never to blame for abuse.

Being abusive is very different from getting angry occasionally
Many people have short tempers, and that is very wrong. But abuse is in another category. Abusive people are trying to control others. They want others to do what they say, and they feel angry when someone goes against them.

Thus, the only way to pacify an abusive person is to not have any original thoughts and no do anything that you want to do. In other words, you have to cease being you.

If you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting someone off, then the problem is not the one day you cracked an egg. The problem is that the person is trying to control you. That is wrong. There is no excuse for that. And no amount of mollifying the person can change that.

An abusive person revels in the abuse itself
Even if someone does endeavor to empty themselves of any original thought, and does walk on eggshells to avoid provoking the abusive person, the abuser will often look for the tiniest infraction in order to have an "excuse"to blow up. An abusive person feels strong and powerful when he (or she) is able to hurt another. When they are feeling insecure in other areas of their lives, they will look for an excuse to overpower their spouse in order to feel in control again. Or they may simply be narcissists and may revel in the power itself, for no reason other than their evil narcissism.

The impetus for the abuse, you see, does not lie in the actions of the person being abused. It lies in the distorted sense of self that the abuser has. If the spouse was perfectly compliant, they would still be abused, because the abuser needs the rush that comes from feeling in control.

Abusers abuse because they like and crave the power, not because the abused did something wrong. You are not to blame!

Being the catalyst for an abusive action does not mean that you are to blame
In one sense the guy is right. Sometimes we do provoke abusive behavior by what we do. It does not necessarily mean, however, that we are to blame.

For instance, Jesus was crucified because of what He did. He healed on the Sabbath. He told off the Pharisees. He invited people to know God personally, rather than just follow rules, and this upset the religious authorities. He was challenging their power, and they killed Him for it.

Does that mean that Jesus was to blame?
Here's another little tidbit. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, the time when a woman is most likely to be attacked or killed, is when a woman separates from an abusive partner or spouse. Does that mean that if she separates, and he then kills her, that she is to blame? Did she do something wrong? Should she have stayed with him to avoid provoking him?

Sometimes righteous actions can provoke evil people to do evil things.

The Christians who are in prison around the world are there because they are preaching the gospel. Are they therefore to blame?

Can we 'provoke' someone into abusing us? Nope. Abuse is only ever the abuser's fault. And often righteous actions are the catalyst for an abusive action! That doesn't mean those righteous actions were wrong.

If a person is trying to control you, and you resist that control and enforce boundaries and try to protect your physical, emotional, and sexual safety, you are doing a good thing. You are precious to God, and He doesn't want you controlled. If you are then hurt, you are not to blame. The person who does the abuse is to blame. And that's because:

Jesus lays the blame for sin at the sinner's feet

Repeatedly in the Gospels Jesus rejects excuses that others make for their sin. He says in Matthew 5:27-30:

You have heard that it was said: You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

He said that women aren't to blame for men's lust; men are to blame. We are responsible for our own sin.

Look, in a relationship, sometimes we will do things and others will react with anger. The commenter is right about that. But no one is perfect! Yet not all relationships are abusive. That means that you can live with an imperfect person and not be abusive. The problem is not with the imperfect person; the problem is with the abuser.

As one person commented when I posted this to Facebook: That's like saying, "If my infant wouldn't have cried about everything I wouldn't have beat her to death." Or, "if my kid wasn't such a brat I wouldn't have punched him in the face and broken his jaw."

"If my boss would pay me what I'm worth I wouldn't have had to steal from the company."

"If the jerk in front of me would have been driving the speed limit, I wouldn't have had to pass him in a no passing zone and killed that family in the head on collision."

"If the government wouldn't charge such high taxes, I wouldn't evade the IRS."

"If my neighbor didn't own a dog, I wouldn't have had to poison it to stop it from peeing through the fence into my yard."

YOU are in control of your own actions!

Save self-defense, there is never an excuse to be violent or to hurt another person, especially a loved one. And there is never an excuse for emotional abuse whereby one uses the silent treatment, insults, passive aggressive behavior, yelling, or financial abuse to control another person.

There just isn't.

And if someone is doing that to you, you are not to blame. Being more submissive won't help.Walking on eggshells won't help. Learning his (or her) love language and trying to communicate better won't help. The problem, you see, is not a relationship problem. It is not a problem that the two of you need to solve. It is a problem that the abuser, and the abuser alone, is causing.

When someone is abusive, learning to communicate better, learning love languages, or being more submissive won't help. It's not a relationship issue: it's a character problem on the part of the abuser.

All too often when women are in abusive relationships they seek out Christian counselors, and those counselors are so focused on saving the marriage that they look at how both parties may be to blame. They talk about better communication strategies and going on more date nights. This will not make things better. This simply feeds the abuser's narcissism.

If you are in an abusive situation, please see a counselor who understands the dynamics of abuse, and who understands that when God said "he hates divorce" it didn't mean that God forbids divorce. It meant that He was angry at the men who were abandoning their wives. And if your husband is abusing you, that is exactly what he has done.

Let's get this right. And next time you hear someone arguing that someone can provoke an abuser, speak up. Say something. We need to stop this lie from spreading.