All is not lost

This is a book that Nancy gave to me and Lisa to read. It actually addresses all kinds of loss, including divorce.

Title: All Is Not Lost-The Healing Journey Through Crisis, Grief and Loss
by C. Leslie Charles

Chapter 1: My Journey

Like every other parent who has lost a child, I never dreamed anything like this would happen to me. My kids, athletic and healthy, grew into adulthood without suffering as much as a broken bone or major illness and for this I had always felt blessed.

I found that recovering from grief is a series of conscious, deliberate choices, a daily acknowledgment that while things will never be the same, life does go on.

Chapter 2:  Living With Loss

Divorce or the end of a long term relationship is a loss that brings feelings of alienation, disappointment and anger, and possibly embarrassment, guilt, or a sense of failure.

Loss slices life into two dimensions: Before and after.

Chapter 3: The Dividing Line

So it isn't just life's inevitable losses we must reckon with, but also their unexpected consequences.

Chapter 4: Why Me?

My position is that events, isolated acts, and large scale tragedies simply occur, sometimes for reasons, sometimes not.

As for our personal lives, I believe we have a responsibility to try and make sense of whatever happens to us in the best way we can; that it's our job to find the lesson, insight, and sometimes even the blessing embedded in the pain so we can incorporate it into the whole of our life as we move on.

Asking why opens a gate that may unleash a flood of remorse, frustration, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.

I am an advocate of counseling and communication or relationship maintenance classes to help couples keep from drifting apart. But if a divorce is the best option,...then there's a point where we need to put our issues to rest and move forward.

Chapter 5:  You Just Never Know

Making the choice to take care of yourself is not selfish, though some may accuse you of that.

Chapter 6:  Getting Through the "Firsts"

Then there's the last "first", the one year anniversary of the date your world changed.

The first year after a separation or divorce may bring similar angst. If not huge waves of emotion, you may experience periods of depression or feelings of sorrow for what couldn't be, even if you know deep in your heart that you made the right decision.

Healing is about making choices that ease discomfort; little choices and big ones. Healing means choosing to believe that you will somehow find your way through the pain, even though some days it may not feel like it. It means having faith and knowing that even though you sometimes lose ground, you're still making progress, and that at some point the hurt will subside.

Chapter 7: Setbacks and Ironies

Count who's still there

A time of loss is a time to learn about yourself.

The more firm your faith, the easier it will be to access your inner strength to help you cope, recover, and sometimes even blossom, in spite of what happens to you.

Chapter 8: Grieving 101

A man in one of my seminars told me he found little comfort in being told how happy he should feel because his son was now in heaven instead of with him.

So don't expect people will always say or do what's appropriate; sometimes it's almost the opposite.

One of the hardest parts of getting a divorce is that, if you have young children, things aren't really over. You will be exposed to your ex, even if you try to avoid him or her...Like it or not, those words from the marriage ceremony, "till death do us part" hold much significance.

Chapter 9: Healing Ritual


She had been in an oppressive relationship that had left her little room to grow. Breaking free, she felt herself opening up and blossoming like a languishing plant finally put in the light.

If you are embarking on a new chapter in your life, you could write your own declaration of independence. A divorce liberation ritual could help you focus on your new life instead of your old one.

You could write a letter to yourself, pretending to be the person who caused you pain that explains why he or she behaved that way.

Chapter 10:  Getting It

Maybe we each need to pay our doctors to sit us down and look us in the eye and say, "You are going to die. Get it?" Because those words apply to every one of us. The only part we don't know is when. What a difference it makes, not knowing when.

Chapter 11:  The Stockpile of Sorrow

Any significant loss can dredge up every previous hurt, mistake, or fiasco we ever had a hand in, dating back to childhood.

The end of a significant relationship can release a wash of guilt, regret, insecurity and more, in addition to anger or disappointment. Even if we know that divorce is the best option we may still be haunted by second guessing and a sense that maybe there was more we could have, or should have done. The regret we feel over the end of a marriage can unearth guilt, self-doubt, and inadequacy from other relationships we weren't able to hold together.
    Of course, our feelings of letdown, hurt, and self-recrimination are magnified if the reason we're divorcing centers around a betrayal.* Regardless of how well adjusted any of us may be, we all seem t carry our own issues of abandonment and rejection, and it hurts. If this is your case, rather than focusing on the rejection and letting it erode your self-esteem, remind yourself that your partner's behavior says more about him or her than it does about you.

Remind yourself that losses which appear quite straightforward are often threaded to a complex strand of companion issues begging to be reckoned with and that's why a crisis can feel so complicated.

Chapter 12: Goodbye Can Mean Goodbye

Chapter 13: Healing Mind, Healing Body

"I can make it through this day"

One thing is clear. Your life has changed. This makes it a fitting time to explore options that lie outside of your comfort zone because, well, you're already there anyway.

...pain is a signal that something needs to be addressed.

...grief is meant to be a temporary state and that's why it's so intense.

In the case of healing from the death of a loved one, remember that you honor him or her by continuing to live as fully as possible.

The same principle applies to a...divorce. At some point you need to let go of your anger and regret, and positively direct that energy toward yourself or your children who need your attention and comfort.

Chapter 15:  Other Losses

It's like our moms tried to tell us when we were neglecting our chores: go "inside" and get your work done now, so that if anything comes along that you want to do, you'll be free to do it.

Chapter 16: Life and Death in Happy Land

It's uncomfortable talking about problems but in the long run it's even more uncomfortable avoiding them.

While we often expect death to be sad, ugly, painful, undignified, and messy, it can also be peaceful, tender, intimate, inspiring, and transcendent.

Loss, grief, or crisis provide you with opportunities to honestly explore your feelings and beliefs because for a limited time, you will see things differently. The same painful experience that sets you apart from others also provides a special vantage point for viewing your existence. As you begin to heal, this keen vision will slowly disappear, so pay attention to what you observe during this period.

Chapter 17:  Early Losses, Later Learning

...I and I alone was responsible for the choices I had made in my life.

Chapter 18:  Anticipatory Grief

...life only travels in one direction and you can't go back.

...one positive outcome of anticipating a loss is that the strength of your emotions can inspire you to consciously appreciate and savor what you have, for as long as you have it, and that's quite an achievement in itself. (My note: reminds me of how much more I appreciated you, Hayden, after Dean Ledford died.)

Chapter 19:  Anger and Acceptance

Life is exceedingly unfair.

Anger is a secondary emotion

Once you accept what life is, instead of what you think it should be, or want it to be, you'll find the place of peace you've been looking for, and more.

...you have tremendous potential for creating a life of fulfillment and much of your serenity will come from your ability to openly accept all of life's experiences, not just the ones that feel good or make you happy.

Chapter 20:  Aging and Illness

...a blanket acceptance about everything that happens in life is as ineffective as a blanket rejection.

Acceptance is the ability to actively sort out the rational truths in a situation, explore your options, and respond appropriately.

Chapter 21:  Disappointment and Letdown

We cannot control the behavior of those we love or force them to live the way we think they should.

Sometimes there is actually more control in letting go than there is in exercising force.

Truth be told, people are free to make their own choices and take their own risks, including our children.

Chapter 22: Give and Take

...times of heartache also bring unexpected gifts that would not happen under any other circumstances.

Our world is moving so fast these days, it's hard enough taking time for ourselves, let alone others, even those we care about. Yet if tragedy strikes, no matter how busy or overloaded we are, we find the time to deal with it.

Divorce, too, has its own give and take. One couple I know have made much better friends than they did spouses, and splitting up improved their parenting too. In the case of partners who finally decide to formally end a relationship long since over, there can come a sense of relief and release along with the sadness. After years of feeling emotionally stifled it is freeing to end the denial and rationalization that become so much a part of one's life when all is not well.

Even though my divorce happened many years ago, I remember feeling less lonely once I was on my own than I had through the last years of my marriage. Living with someone who is unable or unwilling to meet your needs feels terribly lonely and lacking. Being free of their emotional remoteness gives you room to reclaim your wholeness once you're on your own, and that's quite a gift.

When things seem so grim and hopeless there is often a glimmer of light somewhere; a promise of a better, more peaceful time. This is one small strand of comfort you can hold onto, if or when you find yourself in a cold, lonely place. Something will happen, someone will be there, and you might just be surprised how it all unfolds. Maybe there are no coincidences.

Despite our miracles of technology and high standard of living, or maybe because of them, it's easy to forget how simple life really is; that all we really want, or need, is to be loved, to feel important, and to make a difference in our own way.

When we venture close to the edge of death (our own, or accompanying someone else on their journey) we find a gift-the almost blinding clarification about what we truly want out of life. From there, it's taking the steps to make it happen.

Chapter 23:  Hope and Progress

...things are different now. They're not as bad. And no, you won't forget your loved one. You are not being unfaithful. You are not cold hearted. You are simply moving on.

It's time to collect what you've discovered about yourself and life, the people around you, and especially your insights and spiritual lessons. You're on the brink of reentering your old world, but it's really a new world if you want it to be.

You have the chance to live your life with more depth, sensitivity, and conviction. Your heart and soul that felt so empty not so long ago, are beginning to fill again. You have taken enough steps in the healing journey where you can look back and view the other side of your grief. Look how far you've come. Your new life awaits you when you're ready, and right now you have no idea how far you can go.

Chapter 24:  Your Own Ground Zero

When crisis occurs, we may at first be stunned with shock, denial, or incomprehension, unable to fully process the reality. But let me restate, it's during this same delicate period that our hearts and minds momentarily open, exposing that deep, private part of ourselves we may not even know exists.

Crisis opens us up, offering insight that can only be accessed in times of emergency. Like storm clouds momentarily parting in a darkened sky, we catch a quick glimpse of the light within us. Surprising thoughts converge and instantly crystallize. In this flash of enlightenment we make private promises, pledging to live more fully, love more deeply, show more appreciation, forgive our grudges, or take things less for granted.

Conscientious people tend to emerge from bad situations with a renewed commitment to live better and make things better.