My daughter

I have been carrying a tremendous amount of guilt and shame since I had my discussion with Dad that I wanted out of this marriage. I also have been feeling tremendous guilt about my blossoming relationship with K.

I've turned this over and over again in my head. I've had all kinds of thoughts from a sense of relief to "what have I done?" What lead me to the decision was several thoughts I discussed with several people all week from the kids to the Bible Study ladies to my mom. I've always struggled with the person being more important than the institution. And even my counselor said that God gives us parameters to help us not to harm us. I often think of the example of Jesus healing someone on the Sabbath and the Pharisees getting angry about that. Keeping the Sabbath is important, but healing someone's infirmity is more important. Same with if your animal falls into a pit on the Sabbath. Are you going to leave that animal to suffer because you're not supposed to work on the Sabbath? No! Jesus transcends the law.

Another example I thought of was when a mother told her son to wait for her in a certain spot until she came back for him. Neither one of them knew he was standing over a bee hive. He got stung over and over again because he was trying to obey his mom. When she came back, she was horrified. To her, her son's safety and well-being was more important than the obedience. The obedience is meant to help us. It's for our own good.

Today I was feeling awful when I was helping J. with her wedding decorations. I kept feeling like, here I am helping with this wedding when I have told my husband that I want a divorce and I'm texting/talking to another man. When I was leaving, I whispered I would miss the church when all of this comes to light.

I was struggling with these thoughts on the way home, about how I have tried to ask for help but nobody would help me. I was just told that I must have been doing something wrong. The thought crossed my mind-what if Hope came to me and told me that her husband was mistreating her? Would I brush her off and tell her she's doing something wrong and to go back and try to save her marriage? At that moment, I would tell her to get away from him-that her well-being is more important than saving the marriage. I wouldn't even hesitate!

This made me very sad, because I am God's daughter. He doesn't want me to stay in a situation where I'm getting hurt. He loves me too much. And even the re-marriage thing. Why should someone be punished for bad choices someone else made? "You made the wrong choice, and because of what you did, you can never make yourself happy or anyone else for as long as you live." God is not a God of punishment-He is a God of forgiveness.That's why He sent His Son.

I know you're not supposed to take that for granted and misbehave. I know that. I know I am being mistreated-it's not just because I don't want to do what my husband says. It's different than that. I can recognize that. I'm not stupid. I know the difference. I am a Christian. I can recognize bad behavior. I can't excuse it anymore and be told it's not happening and just keep putting up with it.

(I have to admit I'm a little disappointed with how these words are coming out. They seemed more powerful in my head). I am thankful for the thoughts though, and I believe they are from God. It makes me mad that Dad and Pastor have treated me this way and have essentially not believed what I was saying. Thank God for my counselor and other supportive friends and family.

It's just like God to turn something around like this. I felt like I couldn't reconcile what was going on with God and it made me feel horrible as it should have. Even though I will still be punished for what I have done, it makes me feel better that I have it worked out with God. Thank you Lord for always answering my prayers.