Really down

I am in a different place than I ever remember being. It's almost too hard to write this. I don't want to do anything that helped me before. I'm down for many reasons-one is because I have been really sick for the past few weeks. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even feel like being me anymore. It's a really odd feeling.

Last week was especially bad because not only was I sick, D was off from work for a few days, so I really felt like I couldn't take any time off to get better. I had to go home early Thursday though after I threw up at work. I felt like such a rat for doing that. It just feels like nobody cares that I'm sick or that it's a bigger deal when someone else is sick. I feel like a giant loser because I must be so unhealthy if I can't shake this illness. I felt like I was hanging on through Wednesday because she was supposed to be back on Thursday, but then she called off because she was sick and J practically made her take Friday off too. (There was some other instance where it seemed like someone else being sick was more important than me, but now I don't remember who it was).

I don't know if this appointment on Friday with the counselor is making a difference or not. I'm not sure if I'm letting go because I know that's on the horizon or if I feel like a loser because I need some help. I just don't want to do anything-I don't even want to sleep or watch TV. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to. My job is boring (that's nothing new, but I think I was realizing last week that it wasn't worth dragging myself to work when I wasn't feeling well because nobody seemed to care). Money matters are stressing me out because Dad has some lean months coming up. Even my own music has been annoying me lately instead of helping me. It's like I haven't been myself but I don't want to be anyway. Sad.

Thank you for the "Good Grief" song on the radio last night. I haven't heard it since Christmas I think. And thank you for the "H" in the sky the other night. That was amazing around the moon. I just don't know what I'm doing everything for. I love Hope and Carter as much as I love you, but sometimes I feel like I'm not helping them very much when I can't get my own head straight. Even praying has been hard. I'm not looking forward to anything. Help me Lord please!