Free to Grieve

Things are a little better with Dad. I don't know what it was last night, but a wave of grief hit me pretty hard-maybe it's because today is the 20th, maybe because of Christmas, I don't know.

I did notice though that since the pressure is off with Dad a little bit, I have more time and energy to focus on the loss of you. I don't know yet if that's a good or bad thing. All of these problems with Dad have taken up my time and energy and have almost provided a distraction from fully feeling the loss of you.

I had a few analogies to describe this to Dad. The last one and the one he understood the most was from one of the Spider-Man movies. It was the one where he was trying to stop the train which was out of control and barreling towards the end of the track. It took all of his strength and then some to hold the train back from plummeting off the edge, and when it finally slowed down and everyone was ok, Spider-Man collapsed and everyone caught him.

It's like having to be strong for so long and when the weight finally releases, your body just caves in on itself. Another analogy I had was when you're in school or college and just studying so hard for finals and then when they're finally over, your body just gives way. There was another example I had too, but I can't remember it.

It does remind me of the time when Dad was gone in his trucking days and I had to do absolutely everything in his absence and then when he would get back, I would just need time by myself to regroup, etc. Like you hold yourself together because you have to, but when you get some relief, you can finally breathe.

Part of me thinks that Dad should feel bad for putting me through all of that extra stress. He won't though. I guess I should just be glad to get a little break, however long it lasts. It could all change again tonight. I think he finally might be realizing though how dumb it would be to move out.

People have asked me how I am able to hold up through everything-two major issues with losing you and my marriage problems. I honestly don't know. I do know that the Lord is lifting me up. I have nothing left of my own strength. It's all Him.

Anyway, I just found that interesting how that hit me last night. Miss you and love you so much!