If You Lived

As I contemplate your death daily, it's easy for me to wonder why you had to die and I continue to wish for the life you had before the accident. Today, though, I saw a bunch of special needs adults heading to Dan's for lunch and then someone parked a truck in front of the office with a wheelchair in the back with the headrest and everything, and those were reminders that IF YOU LIVED, your life would not have been how it was. There is no way it could have been.

First of all, there was the brain injury. That took you away. IF YOU LIVED, that would be huge to deal with. Either you would be lying pretty-much-dead on a bed with your vital organs being regulated by machines or in a wheelchair, etc. Even if you could "function" it wouldn't be you anymore. You would hate that, I know that.

Even without the brain injury, which is impossible, your legs were MESSED UP. It would have taken months, maybe even years of physical therapy to probably even walk again, let alone do anything remotely close to what you did before that day. SUFFERING (a white butterfly is flying around outside my window-thanks) is what your life would consist of. (I'm using a lot of caps for some reason-never have before. I need to pound this into my head though). I would never wish that on you. I am gladly suffering in your place. (That combination of words, "gladly suffering" is so odd).

This reminds me of a quote I recorded earlier today: When God gives you a "no", give Him a "thank you." He was protecting you from less than His best.

Dear God, help me remember this. I don't say "dear God" a lot. I said it though when I first saw you in your casket. DEAR GOD.