Role Reversal?

Lately I have been having different thoughts about what happened. Some of it has become so real to me and it's scary. I don't know what's scary about it though-the worst has already happened.

It has been a comfort to me to feel like I'm interacting with you sometimes, but I was realizing the other day that you are different now than you were. I don't know more than you anymore. You have experienced things I haven't experienced yet, like being in the presence of God, leaving this life, etc. Dying. It's still so hard to believe, even after all of this time. How can you be gone? My wonderful, amazing, energetic, hilarious, athletic, healthy son?

The song "From Where You Are" just came on. I miss you too. I see so many Sables. So many. More than I should see in short amounts of time and for where I'm at. I saw three on Johnny & Gretchen's road on the way back from their party. Two in the same parking lot at Domino's. They are everywhere-it's amazing! The kids make fun of me, but it's true. I try not to point them out to them anymore.

Dad is impossible again. I got yelled at yesterday for Carter's lawnmowing and washing his new underwear. Please. He accused me of "faking" getting along these past few weeks. If I was good at faking, I think our marriage would have been a lot better in general. I cannot fake things like that. He was nicer, now he's not. He's on me and the kids all of the time about stupid things. And now just because he got a decent check, he's looking at furniture and stupid things to buy. I told him we can't be looking at furniture right now because of all of the people we owe. (Had to stop-a customer just came in and gave me a big hug about an incident that occurred with a rude person a few weeks ago. I just like acknowledging these things because of the timing of them).

Back to you-I feel like you are above me now (ha,ha in a way) which I am fine with-I just don't know my place with you anymore. I am no longer your authority figure. You are better than me now. You are all set-what's my role? I will always be your mother, I know that. I will do my best to keep your memory alive here and to honor you. I will use your story to draw others to Christ. I still have a role, it has just changed. I still have your sister and brother to raise which is the delight of my life like it was raising you. Love you so much sweet boy! This post was all over the place. Sorry!

(Follow up: The song title I recorded "From Where You Are" threw me off a little bit because I wondered if I meant "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. I double-checked though and I quoted the correct title for the song by Lifehouse. It's interesting how the titles just differ by one word, "From" and "To".)