Dear Tuesday Night Group

We are not returning to Ele's Place in the fall. It's ultimately up to the kids because it's for grieving children but they both decided they did fine in the summer without it, so don't see a need to return. I'm ok with it. It was helpful but it's a good time to "get out" since we've been thinking about it.

I feel a little bad about it because the social worker, Katie Brickman, has been very helpful through emails. I also feel bad that we can't "close" like leaving families do, but I don't see the point of just going back to "close." I thought I would write letters though to be read at the next group, definitely one to the other parents and one maybe to the facilitator, Fran. I am going to work on those here.

Dear Fran and Tuesday night group,

After some discussions over the summer with Hope and Carter, we have decided not to return to Ele's Place this fall. The kids feel that they did fine this summer without it, so it's ultimately up to them. I am sorry that we aren't able to officially "close" out with our group which is the purpose of this letter. Tuesday nights are already filling up for us with Carter's football, so it would have been a challenge anyway.

First of all, I want to thank you, Fran, for all of your compassion and support. I appreciate that you always came prepared with a topic for discussion or a question for those moments when the discussion lulled, but I am also thankful for the times of silence you allowed. Thank you for opening up and sharing your own experiences with loss as well. Your calm and peaceful demeanor was very reassuring and I always looked forward to seeing you each week and "catching up" before or after the group time.

To the parents, thank you for sharing the stories of your beautiful children. Since almost every one of you was ahead of us in your grief journey, I appreciated your insight into handling holidays, insensitive comments from other people, struggling with the "how" of the death when it didn't really change anything, etc. You answered questions I didn't even know I had sometimes, like how to handle it when one of your younger children surpasses the one who died in age, how to answer the question, "How many children do you have?", and so on. Some of my favorite times, ironically, was when we all would burst out laughing over some ridiculous situation that we experienced-I never expected that when I first started coming. I appreciated everyone's personality traits and viewpoints especially and will miss that the most.

I will miss the topics that will be discussed this year too, even though I won't know what they are. I will leave you with the following quote from a book titled, "The Bereaved Parent" by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. I have this written out and posted on the side of my refrigerator so I can read it often:

"Remember, we are different from other people. For most of us, the worst is behind us. It is not something we still have to face.

To my own satisfaction, I have now defined fear. Fear is waiting for a doctor to tell you whether or not your child will live or die! That is a truth all bereaved parents can profit from if they learn it and learn it well.

Anyone can exist. But you have endured more pain that just anyone. You have undergone the ultimate tragedy. You owe yourself more than a shuffling-along existence. You owe yourself some surefooted living."

Blessings and peace to you all,

Andrea Smith