My Gift to (Him)

This is actually titled My Gift to Her but I like to customize things. It is from the #OCA series. It is by Sherri Melnychuk.

(Talked about being in the hospital with her daughter). But mostly, I would think the worst thoughts about the future. I could not imagine losing her. I could not imagine living without her. I could not imagine her dying, I would die too. Real, honest, ugly, thoughts that no one wanted to talk about, for we were on the side of hope,...

Well, the worst thing happened.

...But it was not meant to be.

In my mind, if (Hayden) were to die, I would die too. That is how I imagined it all to be.
(Personal note: this reminds me of a dream I had when were on the farm. I think you were in a casket and I decided to crawl in there too. I also remember a dream that I had a few days after you were born that you slid out of my arms behind the couch or something and you died as an infant. That second one could have been just "new mommy" fears. The first one I mentioned is interesting though.)

Except, there I was ALIVE, and I had no idea what to do with it.

I suppose that was my awakening. When I woke up the next day after (Hayden) passed, I was alive. I was shocked. There I was, alive! All those nights I watched (Hayden) and was convinced I could not live without (him); there I was, living without (him). The other shock? I didn't want to die. How could that be? I wanted to live! I wanted to go enjoy the day with (other children). Just one of the many gifts my (Hayden) left me-the gift of life. I understood how precious life really was-that is the unwelcomed awakening that would come to any parent whose child has been diagnosed with (a brain injury)-life was precious. One day at a time. Make the most of each day.

The moment (Hayden) passed was awful, of course. But it was also perfect and beautiful too...I felt grateful that I had been there for her first breath and her last breath. That night (he) passed, the moment, everything about it is forever etched in my heart, but it wasn't the worst. (Because she started grieving when she was sick). I know (Hayden) is free now, and I no longer worry about (him). I just continue to love (him) and mother (him) from afar...The only thing that was different (from grieving before she died) was that I ached. My body, my heart, my core ached in a way that I had never felt before. It was so hard to describe. I just hurt in places I had never hurt before, but it was my grief. My raw, heart-shattered-in-a-million pieces, broken, aching, mama grief. I would never wish this pain on anyone, but yet I know there are so many others out there that know this grief-this brutal mama grief.

One can never prepare for the loss of a child. (Even with an illness). I wasn't prepared for how hard living without her by my side would really be. Sure, I knew it would be horrible to live without her, but I did not expect he ripple effect of loss. Everything in our lives changed after (Hayden) left. We "lost" a lot of things besides (Hayden)-our way of life, our friends, our family, our relationships, our outlook on life, our social activities, holidays, family get-togethers, the list is endless. After (Hayden) left everything changed, and we were not prepared. We lost (him) and almost everything connected to (him). It has taken years to rebuild, but we have rebuilt, and we found happy moments in life which occur simultaneously with our grief for (Hayden). Happy and sad are beautifully intertwined in the fabric of our day to day life. I enjoy my days with my two (children) who are still with me-...

The pace of your grief, the way you express it and come to terms with it is unique. Losing (Hayden) has given me some of the greatest gifts in life. I am kinder, worry less about the little things, and I truly do my best to choose the happiness and joy in every moment. I am also less judgmental about others and their situations. I felt so judged by others when (different stages that happened with her daughter). I felt my life was an open book, and I longed for my privacy back. I turned inward those first few years of grief. But that was so hard as I wanted my privacy but so desperately wanted everyone to remember (Hayden). "Please don't forget about him!" I was screaming inside. And now, almost five years out, I am starting to share more of my story with the world.

It is not an easy walk of life, that's for sure. I don't believe we ever move on from losing one of our children. I do believe, that I am on a healing journey of grief. This journey is ever-changing, because I am ever-changing. I can choose how I react to all life throws my way-I choose to be happy. I choose to live this day. I choose love. It is not always easy and some days are better than others. But I am in control of how I choose to live the day that has been given to me. I choose to honour (Hayden) and advocate for (him). (Talks about how daughter used to get up every morning and choose an outfit). Now that (he) is gone, it is the very least I can do for (him)-wake up each day and make the most of the day that has been given to me! I also strive to be happy and joyful like (Hayden).

(Hayden's) light and love shines far more brightly than the darkness of (his) death. I choose to see (his) time on Earth as complete. (His) soul had completed all the world needed, and it was time for (him) to go to Heaven. But I am still here, and I am not done with my work on Earth yet. Life moves forward whether we like it or not. I can choose the path of bitterness, anger and darkness or I can choose the path of light, love and hope. For my (Hayden Milton), I can do that. It is my gift to (him) in return for all (he) has given to me.

Part of bio from end: works very hard at living in the moment, accepting life, living with a grateful heart, and paying attention to the signs God sends her