I Chose to Grow

From #OCA series. Not about child loss, but this lady lost her mother and a brother. Still some good excerpts/thoughts. It is by Angela Trent.

It was my first real experience with death, and I was devastated. (she lost her mom)

I did not believe that I could exist here without (him). My world stopped, and I allowed sorrow to swallow me whole. I either didn't sleep for days or I slept all of the time. Food seemed insignificant. I wailed, cried and sobbed relentlessly.

I knew I had to find a way.

I reached out to a grief group in hopes of finding a foothold. I took my first steps of growth within the safety of so much love. It was a small group, but the connection was strong and it helped to know that I was not alone...I began to share my pain and found that I was helping others by sharing my experiences. My compassion had blossomed to a new level. I had taken a leap towards healing.

Ten years later, my brother died after being involved in a motorcycle accident. Again, my world was shattered. All of the familiar, bitter shards of grief pricked at me and ripped my heart in two. All of the stitches I had put into place popped. I could feel the shroud of sorrow slowly being pulled over me once again.

I knew that I did not want to revisit the dismal trench of depression. I knew how difficult it was to ascend the first time and I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it again.

So I chose to change my perspective. 
(Note to self: remember this thought!)

I had learned how to be here without my mom, and I would learn how to be here without my brother as well. I would find a way to honor his life through mine. He was only 40 when he died, but he packed a lot of living into those years. The last thing he would want me to do is to waste a minute of my life.

I forged on, grieving but not losing myself in the process. In fact, just the opposite. Somehow, despite the misery, as I sifted through the wreckage, I found myself. I found that strength that comes from taking one step at a time, even when you cannot see the path in front of you. I found that life offers no guarantees. I found that moments are precious. I found that death births compassion, empathy, love and growth, if you allow it to. I discovered that there is always a choice.

I chose to grow.