I call this a dream from New Year's Day because it was the morning of New Year's Day when I had it. Anyway, you were at the end of my dream and you were in the kitchen leaning against the "other" side of the counter. I am calling it the other side because you never leaned against that side before, like the side closest to the table.
You were standing there with jeans on and and no shirt, like you just got out of the shower. I think your hair was wet and it was combed nicely. I was looking at you in my dream and it seemed so normal, but then I had to remind myself that this was no longer a "normal" occurrence, for me to see you just standing in the kitchen and that I should take note and appreciate it. (More than appreciate but not quite treasure at the time during the dream. I just added that because appreciate didn't seem like the right word). I remember noticing your fingernails were kind of long, like they needed to be trimmed-I could see the whites of your nails. I don't know if that's significant because I know you used to bite your nails but I thought you stopped way before you died.
It seemed like we were in the middle of a conversation and you said, "I don't want to go to jail." I said, "You're not going to jail." I was going to add, "...because you're dead" but I didn't. You said it again (you weren't upset or stressed out about it though, you were just stating that) and I think I was going to tell you why you weren't going to jail and then I woke up.
It made me think that in the other dreams I have had of you, you don't seem to know that you are dead but we do. That's an interesting observation. I will have to think about that one.
Side note: I don't want to make this a whole other post, but I feel like it's been harder for me to deal with your death lately. I don't know if it's because our routine is all out of whack with days off and school off, but it feels like I was doing ok and now I'm not doing as well. I know all these answers and things in my head that I've been spouting off to people all the time, but lately I wonder if I truly believe those things in my heart.
I don't feel like I'm mad at God, but I told God the other day in the car how much this all hurts. I know He knows that. It feels like it's hurting more than before. Like it's becoming clearer to me what happened. At first, everything was a blur, I knew it happened because I was devastated but there was a bit of detachment like someone told me it happened and I knew you were gone but it didn't fully register, like there was a veil in between. I saw you at the hospital, I saw you at the funeral home, I saw you at your funeral, I saw them bury you, or bury something that had your name on it and a picture of you sticking out of the ground. Can someone see something and still not believe it? We are told to believe things that we DON'T see, That is the essence of faith. How are those two connected?
Another thought is maybe I'm realizing, like Carter had a problem with at first, is that your death was as real as your life. I remember him telling us and the social worker at Ele's Place at our initial meeting that it seemed like you never really were alive. The social worker said this was normal for kids because something that they have known all their life is suddenly all different and it's hard to comprehend how that can happen. That it's not possible for you have been one way and now you're another.
Maybe it's some of the "real" stuff we have had to deal with lately, like dealing with your car and getting your stuff back. I know it really hit me when I wrote the check out to the funeral home(even though that was several months ago)-the "business" side of things which makes this part of real life. That it doesn't even seem possible to be paying funeral home bills for you when we are supposed to be paying tuition bills.
I know God loves me. I know God loves you. I know these things. I know there are millions of ways God is using this for His glory and part of me is honored that he used my son for His purpose. Beauty from the ashes: "It will take your breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes." He's already made beauty from the ashes-past tense. There is still beauty being made. Things on earth and,more importantly, things above. He doesn't owe us any explanations. He is sovereign which means He can do what He wants,when He wants, and how He wants without having to answer to anyone. Eternity will not even be long enough for us to understand all of the ways God was glorified by this.
This is kind of jumping around, but Dad met with Detective Rex to get your drivers license, registration and (expired!) proof of insurance the other day. Dad said the detective felt bad for us because he couldn't believe the timing of the accident with the blind spot, the type of car (truck) that was coming over the hill at that exact moment you had crossed the center line, etc. Dad just told him that it was meant to be and I just burst into tears when I heard that, because I know that it was orchestrated that way. You didn't have a chance. It was part of a plan.
I keep reminding myself that when I am with Hope and Carter that it is just how it was being with you, That's why I sat and watched "The Office" with Carter today even though it took forever because the Wifi kept having to load. Because being with him is the same as being with you, like when we watched Parks and Rec together (remember watching Arrested Development on Chromecast and it would stop loading at 99% and it would stay like that FOREVER?) That's why I went with Hope and Dad to Johnny and Gretchen's last night for New Year's Eve when I really didn't want to go anywhere. Because it's the same thing as being with you when I'm with Hope. When I get them food when I don't always feel like it because it's just like getting food for you when I didn't always feel like it. Because they are my children and so are you. I can be with them that way, even though I can't be with you that way right now.
I did feel your presence last night though on the way to Johnny and Gretchen's when Dad just happened to have a Christian radio station on and that song "Storyteller" came on. I've only heard that on the radio one other time since Jaime sent it to me as a text soon after your death. Then I saw your reflection on my Hayden necklace from the streetlights, even though I never noticed before that Talladay Rd. had street lights. Thank you for that and thank you for being in my dream this morning!
I think what might be happening is that your death is becoming part of my life as much as your life was. That's a very sad thought. I still have 17 years, 10 months and 3 days on you, death, and you only have a little over 4 months. You have a long way to go! And, as one of my books said, I will have more time with Hayden in eternity than I ever had with him on earth. Praise God for that!
Even though I don't get caught up in the hype of the New Year, I feel bad for seeing 2016 on my horizon without you in it. I know I couldn't wish anything better for you than where you are at right now, my dear. And I know you wouldn't want to come back here even if you could. Come visit me again in my dreams soon, sweet boy. I know you are with my every day though. You live in my heart.
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