Survival patterns

 From Dean Blankfield

Both the anxious and avoidant attachers are driven by

unconscious survival patterns, not from cruelty 

or intention to harm.

Their behaviors come from early attachment

experiences that shaped how their nervous systems

respond to closeness and distance.

The anxious attacher learned that love could

disappear at any moment, so they reach, cling,

and seek reassurance to stay safe.

The avoidant attacher learned that closeness

could bring overwhelm, criticism, or shame, so

they pull back to feel safe.

Both are acting from fear.

The anxious one is trying to protect connection.

The avoidant one is trying to protect independence.

But because their strategies oppose each other,

each partner's attempt to feel safe triggers the

other's deepest wound and ends up hurting the

person they care for the most.

The truth is that...

The anxious attacher and the

avoidant attacher aren't consciously

trying to hurt each other.

They're both just trying to stay safe.

But the mechanisms they use to stay

safe, ends up doing the one thing

they're trying not to do - hurt each

other.