The Suffering Wife

Posted on Flying Free FB page but from Feminine Firebrand

My Thoughts on the Glorification of the "Suffering Wife"

No matter which brand of theology we are talking about - whether we are talking about the theology of Lori Alexander or the theology of Pastor John Gray - one common thread that runs throughout much of the religious-system is the glorification of the "suffering wife."

Who or What is the Suffering Wife?

The suffering wife is sometimes propped up as the ideal wife that all women should aspire to be and emulate in marriage. She is considered to be spiritual and virtuous, mainly because of her willingness to silently and submissively endure a great deal of pain, cruelty, and mistreatment at the hands of her ungodly, immature, and sometimes adulterous, or even abusive husband.

The suffering wife is praised and commended, not for her faith in God, not for her positive character traits, or for her accomplishments, but for her ability to tolerate continual and unrepentant disrespect, deceit, serial adultery, abuse, abandonment, addiction, and irresponsibility.

Her femininity isn't defined be her femaleness, but by her level of sacrifice and subservience to her husband. If she is not willing to make herself a martyr for her marriage or for her husband, then according to some figures in the religious-system, she is not adhering to "Biblical womanhood" or being truly "feminine."

The happily married wife who is in a healthy marriage with a husband who loves her as Christ loves the Church is rarely glorified. Instead, the unhappily married suffering wife who is in a toxic marriage with a husband who mistreats her without repentance is glorified and held up as the example that women should follow. The Scriptures praise the Proverbs 31 woman who was in a healthy marriage with an honorable husband, but somehow, over time, the Proverbs 31 woman has
morphed into the suffering wife in a toxic marriage with a dishonorable husband. How did this happen?

Instead of preparing women for healthy marriages, women are being prepared for toxic marriages and subtly programmed to settle for highly dysfunctional relationships. Women are repeatedly told ahead of time that "marriage isn't about being happy" so that they don't expect their husbands to make them happy, but in contradiction to that, they are taught that women set the tone in the home and that it is a woman's responsibility to create a happy home and make her husband happy. So the suffering wife should not expect to have a happy marriage or for her husband to make her happy, but she is supposed to exhaust herself trying to make her husband happy even if he brings her agony and sorrow? This makes no sense and it is a double standard.

The concept of the suffering wife is dangerous because it is used to encourage women to stay with men who are abusive, adulterous, and/or abandon them and their children. Much harm has been done to women and children, because women were taught that their gender role is to endure inhumane, barbaric, dehumanizing mistreatment under the guise of "suffering for Christ," and that this makes them godly, spiritual, and virtuous.

The prudent wife who flees from harm or seeks a Biblical divorce from a husband who commits adultery, abuse, or abandonment without repentance, is rarely, if ever, glorified and praised or propped up as an example of the ideal wife. In fact, sometimes the prudent wife is seen as being rebellious, ungodly, worldly, disobedient, in-submissive and breaking the marriage covenant. Most of the time, the suffering wife is glorified and exalted as the wife who is obeying God's will. This kind of teaching might benefit ungodly husbands who expect to be served and submitted to unconditionally, but it doesn't benefit women and children.

Yes, we will suffer in this world, including in marriage - marriage is no bed of roses. But neither is marriage all about suffering and how much pain you can endure at the hands of your own husband. Your spouse will not make you happy all of the time, but neither should they cause you sorrow and grief most of the time either, and if they are, please know that it isn't normal and you need to talk about it with a trustworthy wise individual who can help you.

If you are the suffering wife, no amount of sermons and articles praising wives who endure on-going pain and cruelty will take away your depression, PTSD, disappointment, righteous indignation, or heal your broken heart. You need to seek professional help for the sake of your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, and for the sake of your children.

Yes, there are examples in Scripture of people suffering in marriage, but there are also examples of people in healthy marriages, so there needs to be more balance in what is being taught to women (and men) and the narrative needs to change. Teaching women to be suffering wives and not to expect to have healthy marriages with husbands who love them as Christ loves the Church is hardly a recipe for healthy women and healthy men who create strong loving stable marriages and healthy families.