The EAW

I came across this book on Amazon. I think I have some quotes from the author here and there. The book is excellent and eye-opening.

Notes from The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel

Why Emotional Abuse Is So Insidious
First, let's define abuse. Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
  Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. (In fact, a great proportion of the damage caused by physical or sexual abuse is emotional.)
   With emotional abuse, the insults, the insinuations, the criticism, and the accusations slowly eat away the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to her abuser.
   While those who emotionally abuse others don't always intend to destroy those around them, they do set out to control them. And what better way to control someone than to make her doubt her perceptions? What better way to cause her to have such low self-esteem that she becomes dependent on her abuser?
   Emotional-abuse victims become so convinced they are worthless that they believe no one else could possibly want them. Therefore, they stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. The ultimate fear is that of being all alone. And, of course, the idea of being alone is extremely frightening to someone who doesn't have a good sense of self. For such a person, being alone means feeling like a child who is all alone in a cruel world with no one to turn to.
   As noted, it is not uncommon for a woman to be emotionally abused by more than one person. This is because the pattern of abuse often started when she was a child, so she has grown up with low self-esteem and the expectation of being abused. As a result, she continually attracts abusive people in her life. While Maggie's abusers were men, not all emotional abusers are male. In fact, some women use other, less assertive women as targets for acting out their anger and rage. There are also misogynistic females-that is, women who have a deep dislike, distrust, and disdain for other women. And some women may be so envious and jealous of a female friend that they undermine and sabotage the friend's relationships or career.
   Even though emotional abusers can be of either sex, most women reading this book will likely be concerned about their relationships with abusive boyfriends or husbands. Therefore, I will refer to the emotional abuser as "he" throughout unless I am specifically referring to a female abuser.

Sexual Harassment
Although this term is used most often with regard to work settings, a woman can be sexually harassed by anyone, including her husband. Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual advances or physical or verbal conduct of sexual abuse. Whenever a woman is pressured into becoming sexual against her will, whether it be because she doesn't choose that person as a sexual partner or because she doesn't feel like being sexual at the time, it is considered sexual harassment.

Taking Steps Toward Recovery
Because of the undermining nature of emotional abuse, because it tears down your self-esteem and causes you to doubt yourself and your perceptions, you will undoubtedly continue to question whether or not you are actually being emotionally abused. You may sometimes think that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, or that you are making a big deal out of nothing. Even if you are able to hold on to the fact that you are indeed being emotionally abused, you may still believe that you deserve to be treated in an abusive manner. Your abusive mate might tell you that he couldn't get so angry with you if he didn't love you so much. Your abusive boss might apologize for yelling at you, but at the same time excuse his behavior by telling you that he wouldn't get so angry with you if you tried harder or listened to his instructions better. It is important for you to understand that an emotional abuser will always blame his victim for his abusiveness and will always have a excuse for his behavior.

The "Selfless" Woman
The selfless woman is one with a very shaky sense of identity. Because her mother was either too smothering and controlling and didn't allow her to separate from her, or because her mother was rejecting and abandoning and didn't provide adequate nurturing, the selfless woman did not develop a strong identity and sense of self.
  Some mothers, themselves deprived of necessary nurturing and care when they were children, are incapable of being what psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott calls "good enough" mothers to their children. The good-enough mother is there for her child both physically and emotionally, providing continuity, responding readily to her child, and believing from the start that her baby exists in her own right. Without good-enough mothering, a child is deprived of the very foundation upon which it can build a self.
    To overcome her indistinct and mostly negative self-image, the selfless woman may "take on" the personality, identity, or appearance of another person. She often suffers from chronic feelings of emptiness, depression, and helplessness. A selfless woman usually has an extraordinary sensitivity to real or imagined rejection, and while she can be clingy and possessive at times, she can also be very rejecting of others. This is because she both craves and fears intimacy. She fears both being abandoned and being smothered-the latter coming from her fear of losing what little self she has. Needless to say, this makes it difficult for her to maintain stable relationships, since she frequently gives mixed messages ("Come here-go away").
   Romantic attachments for the selfless woman are highly charged, filled with turbulence and rage, and they are usually short-lived. Although she feels continually victimized by others, this woman continues to desperately seek out new relationships, because for her being alone feels more intolerable than mistreatment.
   Because of her deep self-loathing, the selfless woman distrusts others' expressions of caring. She often pursues those who are inaccessible and runs away if her overtures are accepted.
   She seldom learns from past mistakes.Since she doesn't often observe patterns in her own behavior, she tends to repeat destructive relationships. For example, a selfless woman will often return to an abusive ex-husband, who will proceed to abuse her again.
   No matter what others do to hurt or betray her, she keeps forgiving them, believing that they have finally learned their lesson and are going to change. She may decide never to see an abusive person again after he has finally done something so horrible to her that even she has to admit it is unacceptable. But before long, she has allowed herself to be charmed back into believing in the person again. She has convinced herself that this time he is truly sorry, that he has changed.
   The following questions may further help you decide if you are a selfless woman:
    -Do you tend to blame yourself when things go wrong?
    -If you make a mistake, do you see yourself as all bad?
    -Do you try to anticipate what others want or how they want you to act?
    -Do you placate others, or try to "buy"them, in an attempt to keep harm at bay?
    -Do you have a difficult time with change?
    -Does taking risks make you feel frightened or apprehensive?
    -Do you have a history of alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, compulsive
      gambling or shopping, shoplifting, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts?
    -Do you often have violent outbursts of rage?
(Side note: Out of all the types of abused women, this is the one I most identified with, especially later in the book when they talk about a relationship between a selfless woman and narcissist).

The Narcissist
Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, recurrent fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love; a craving for constant attention and admiration; and feelings of rage, humiliation, or haughty indifference when criticized or defeated. In addition, narcissists have at least two of the following characteristics: a sense of entitlement (that is, they view themselves as desirable, talented, and special and thus entitled to special recognition and unconditional acceptance); exploitativeness (the tendency to take advantage of others and disregard their rights); oscillation between extreme overidealization  and devaluation of others; and lack of empathy (meaning not just an inability to recognize how others feel but often also the inability to recognize that others have feelings at all).
   Even though narcissists are often arrogant and vain and seem to feel superior to others, they in fact have very low self-esteem. They find it hard to accept constructive feedback of any kind or to go beyond superficial relationships.

Some Unhealthy Matches: The Selfless Woman and the Narcissist
It makes sense that the selfless woman be attracted to a narcissist, who appears to have the qualities she lacks-self-confidence and a willingness to take risks. Having a tendency to fantasize a great deal herself, the selfless woman easily gets caught up in the narcissist's illusionary world of fantasies and dreams and buys into his own grandiose self-image. Because she has few interests of her own, she is easily caught up in the life of the narcissist, who demands her total attention and adoration. She gets lost in him, and he loves it. He is strongly opinionated, and she goes along with all of his opinions and ideas. Because the selfless woman has a fear of being smothered, she feels comfortable with the narcissist, who is also incapable of true intimacy. Unfortunately, many selfless women interpret the Narcissist's lack of interest in them and tend to devalue them as evidence that they are uninteresting and unimportant. Even though her self-esteem is being greatly damaged, because she is so afraid of being alone, the selfless woman will probably not leave the narcissist unless he rejects her so completely (my own note: how he treated me when we lost Hayden) that her pride forces her to let go.
  As time goes on, however, the selfless woman may begin to see the narcissist for who he really is. If she stands up to him, he will feel insulted and become enraged, accusing her of no longer believing in him and of not supporting him. He will become even more defensive and bent on making her doubt her perceptions.
   She will either buckle under again or she will begin to see through his defenses. She in turn will then begin to devalue him-since he is not all good therefore all bad. She will feel trapped and critical, feeling as if she is with an imposter and that the entire relationship was a hoax. She will feel like she is with a stranger-as if she really never knew him at all and will chastise herself for being such a fool.
  In addition, even though she does not value herself, she may eventually resent the fact that he obviously does not value her. She will get tired of the fact that his needs, his ideas, and his feelings are all important and that he seldom, if ever, has time to listen to her or take an interest in what she is doing.

The Abandoning, Rejecting Parent
(My note: book says that because you are used to abuse, you seek out abusers because that is "normal"to you. Idea of "original abusers")
In addition to being unresponsive, some parents are also unaffectionate. Anita shared with me, "I can't remember my father hugging or kissing me. Even to this day he seems very uncomfortable with affection. I hugged him at my graduation from college and he stiffened up so much that I felt terribly rejected and embarrassed. (My note: Like when I tried to hug my dad at the cemetery the day of your funeral and all he told me was "Stay strong." I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I then asked if he could tell me that, and he did, but it sounded weird. Forced. I forced him to say it).
  "I loved my father and couldn't understand why my love for him wasn't returned. I kept wondering what was wrong with me and I kept trying to be a better daughter so he'd love me." Not having her father's time, attention, or direction, Anita felt worthless and assumed that there was something wrong with her, otherwise her father would have wanted to be with her.

Unfinished Business
(My note: this is when you write letters-don't have to be sent- to your original abusers. I will probably try this exercise at some point. Reminder: Check book on parameters first)

Becoming Your Own Good Parent: Discovering the Child Within
See p. 126-127 for this exercise

When Is It Best to Leave?
(My note: not all of these apply, but most of them do)
If you have identified your current abuser as an antisocial personality, a misogynist, a narcissist, or  destroyer, there is little hope for the relationship. Such people have serious emotional disturbances and require intensive, long-term psychotherapy if there is to be any hope for change. No matter how much they want to change, or how hard they try, they simply can't do it on their own.
   Although I run the risk of oversimplifying, if any of the following circumstances exist in your current relationship in general, it is probably best that you begin working on leaving the relationship.

1.  Your partner is now, or is threatening to become, physically violent.
Physical abusers often begin by emotionally abusing their victims. The more emotional abuse a woman takes, the more permission the abuser feels he has to be abusive. As his anger intensifies and as the relationship deteriorates, he may resort to physical violence as a way of getting control. If he has already hit you, even if it was "just a slap," you are in danger. Don't fool yourself, as so many women have done! If he has hit you once, he will inevitably do it again, and the next time it will be harder. Don't accept the excuse that he was drunk or high when he hit you. He hits you because he is a coward or a bully. If he drinks or uses drugs, that's a different problem.(My note: This doesn't really apply, but I remember him pushing me once when we were in an argument. I was holding baby Hayden at the time).

2. You have reached the point where YOU are becoming physically violent.
If you have become so frustrated and angry that you have reached a breaking point and have begun to act out our anger in a physical way, you are also in danger. You could hurt someone seriously, or you could be hurt seriously yourself. Even if your physical acting out does not hurt your abuser physically, you are still being abusive by doing it and you are risking being hurt if he hits you back. (My note: I hate to admit this, but I have gotten so frustrated with Dad that I have beaten on his chest before, etc., so this definitely applies.)

3. You have begun to fantasize about harming or killing your abuser. 
If you have reached this point, you are feeling trapped and believe there is no way out. But there most certainly is a better way out than risking being put in prison for the rest of your life. He isn't worth it. You need to take responsibility for your anger and find a more constructive way of releasing it...Making  plan of action so you can get out of this potentially disastrous relationship will help you feel less trapped and less desperate. (My note: I have not fantasized about harming or killing Dad, but I have fantasized about if he died some other way).

4. You are seriously questioning your sanity.
If your abuser is using gaslighting techniques on you or is telling you that you are crazy, your mental health is being jeopardized. The longer you stay in a relationship like this, the more you will doubt yourself, and the stronger the possibility is that you will, indeed, have some kind of emotional breakdown.

5. Your children are being abused by the abuser or are being damaged by your relationship with him.
Women often fool themselves into thinking that as long as their husbands or boyfriends are not physically or sexually abusing their children, the children are not being damaged. This couldn't be further from the truth. Children are affected by any disruption in the family, and they are severely affected by seeing or hearing their mother be abused in any way. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your children don't know what is going on. They are aware when someone is being cruel or unfair to their mother. They hear you crying, and they know you are unhappy. Not only are your children being damaged in the present by being around abusive behavior, but you are providing them with a poor role model and setting them up to be either victims or victimizers when they grow up.

6. The abusive person totally devalues you.
An important element of nearly all emotionally abusive relationships is an inequality of power. This is most often brought about because one person feels superior to the other. When one person is devalued and the other is idealized, the idealized one feels entitled to preferential treatment, which can lead to controller mentality.
  If you are in a relationship with someone who devalues you, looks down on you, and doesn't recognize your worth, there is little or no hope for the relationship. Ask yourself these questions:

Does this person see me as an equal?

Does he have a general attitude of being superior to me?

Do I believe this person is superior to me?

If you answered no to the first question or yes to either or both of the other two, you are in an unequal relationship where you are being devalued by the other person and/or you are devaluing yourself. Any good relationship-whether with your mate, a friend, or a parent-is a relationship of equals. This means that both parties contribute equally to the relationship (even if this is done in entirely different ways), and each person values the other's contribution. For example, while the man in a relationship may make more money, the woman should be equally valued for keeping up the home and taking care of the children.

Taking a Stance
There are only two circumstances that will stop an abuser from continuing to abuse you. The first, and most significant, is when an abuser recognizes he is abusive and needs to change. However, most emotional abusers are unwilling to look at their problems and have an investment in making their victims feel responsible for any problems in the relationship.
   The second way that change can occur is for the victim to refuse to put up with any more abusive behavior. Taking this stance will require you to make a commitment to yourself that you are no longer willing to tolerate abuse, and that you will let your abuser know this

Bad Reasons for Staying:
(My note: I chose the ones that stood out to me)
"He says he loves me."
Many emotional abusers are incapable of really loving anyone. They are so caught up in satisfying their own needs that they are unable to even be aware of the other person's needs, much less to satisfy those needs. When we truly love someone, we are able and willing to sometimes put our own needs aside in order to give our loved one what he needs.When we really love someone, we are willing to admit when we are wrong and to work on our problems so that we don't continually keep hurting the other person.

"I love him."  (My note: I don't, but the explanation was helpful)
The chances are very high that what you identify as love is dependence, fear of being alone, or need. It is difficult to truly love someone who is constantly hurting you, constantly damaging your self-esteem.

"I am going to work harder on the relationship."
(My note: I've been told to do this)
Instead of reacting to abusive criticism with justified anger, emotionally abused women tend to blame themselves for whatever happens and to look to themselves to improve the situation. They stay in abusive relationships, convincing themselves that if only they cooked better, cleaned the house better, or lost some weight, their husbands would stop being abusive.

"I expect too much from him; from now on I'm going to try to accept him as he is."
(My note: I don't believe this, but the explanation was helpful)
Chances are that you have been doing this for too long already. Emotionally abused women expect themselves to accept the impossible, to be satisfied with next to nothing. You deserve so much more than you are getting already that lowering your expectations will serve only to lower your self-esteem further.

What Will He Do if I Decide to Leave?
The abuser will probably try to hang on to you when he senses that you are trying to get away. He is used to having you around to take his frustrations out on and to blame when things go wrong in his life. A typical abuser will try any or all of the following tactics to get you to stay:

He will use his best weapons, threats and promises. He may promise he won't ever hurt you again. He may tell you that he has totally changed. But it is important for you to realize that if he were in control of himself in the first place, he would not have been abusive. No matter what he tells you, he can't stop on his own; he needs help. If he tells you he is in control of himself, ask yourself this: If he was in control of his behavior all along, then why did he choose to treat me abusively?

He may try to destroy your self-esteem and make you believe that you can't survive without him. He may tell you that you are so fat (or dumb, or ugly) that he is the only one who would put up with you. He might try to convince you that you could never get another man. These are all lies, and he does not even believe them himself or he wouldn't feel so threatened.

A typical abuser will try to separate his victim from outside support-family, friends, coworkers. If he senses you are going to leave him, he will try even harder to isolate you. You need to break out of your isolation. Join a support group, go back to school, or make new friends so that you can begin to get feedback from people other than the abusive person.

The best reason to leave a relationship is that you have decided that this person or situation is not good for you. And the only time you should stay is if you truly believe that you can now take care of yourself with this person. There is no virtue in staying in an impossible, destructive relationship or situation. Making a clean break can be the most courageous act of all.
   Whatever decision you make, your focus needs to be on you, not your abuser. You need to continually work on increasing your assertiveness and your self-esteem and on completing your unfinished business from the past.

Staying in an Abusive Love Relationship
You may have each exacerbated the other's tendencies to be insecure, abusive, or possessive by pushing buttons and calling forth the past for the other person. You may have added to each other's insecurities, anger, and distrust through rejection, lack of trust, or possessiveness.

Learning to Take Care of Yourself
One of the most important things you can begin to do to take care of yourself is to begin to put your own needs first.

Because of all your prior conditioning, you may believe that taking care of yourself is a very selfish act. But your highest responsibility is to yourself. When you take care of your own needs first, you will be able to be a genuinely caring, giving person...

Eventually, you will find that nothing bad happens to you just because you think of yourself first or because you do what you want to do.

Stop Rescuing and Enabling
...emotionally abused women rescue people who are quite capable of taking care of themselves. They rescue people from their responsibilities by taking care of their responsibilities for them.

Rescuing or enabling is not act of love.

In reality, he will probably do much better without your help, and without someone else to depend on and blame for his problems.

Establish Limits and Boundaries
The emotional abuser will test you to see whether you are serious or will change your mind. After all, since you haven't meant what you said in the past and have made so many empty threats, it is natural that he won't believe you right away. But over time, it will become more and more clear that you do mean what you say.

You can assert yourself and still respect the feelings and rights of other people. You can express your feelings without being obnoxious. Being assertive is not being aggressive, pushy, or selfish. It is being able to state your views and desires directly, honestly, and spontaneously, to act without indecision, and to be true to yourself.

...the purpose of speaking up is not to change the other person's point of view, but merely to assert yours.

Release Your Anger in Constructive Ways
Sometimes the only way a woman who feels powerless can communicate her resentment is by "holding out" sexually. (Also, as I mentioned in the first part of the book, it is often impossible to feel sexual toward someone who is emotionally abusing you because you feel angry and because you don't feel safe or comfortable in being that vulnerable.)

Learning How to Handle Abusive People: Dealing with Criticism
Make the assumption that most insulting remarks, even when couched as "constructive criticism," mean less about you than about the person doing the criticizing.

Try never to get into a verbal battle with an emotional abuser. He will inevitably win the argument because he's so good at zeroing in on your insecurities. Most emotional abusers are like defense attorneys: no matter what you say, they will somehow turn it back on you.

Response to "I am just being honest" or "I'm just trying to help you": Tell the person that he doesn't need to take on the responsibility for your life, that you are an adult who is fully capable of taking care of yourself, and that you can get all the information about yourself that you need in a less painful way.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
From Alice Koller: But think of all the ways there are to lie, and I'll have done every one of them. Pretending to like something because someone in authority does. Evading a question. Saying only part of what I believe. Not saying anything at all. Shaping my words to fit what I know will be acceptable. Smiling when someone intends to be funny. Looking serious when my thoughts are elsewhere. Agreeing when I haven't even thought over the matter. Drawing someone out just because I know he wants to talk. Trying to amuse in order to avoid talking about something I'm not sure of.
   Acting. For the dear love of God, how could I not have understood it before! Those are all pieces of acting. And I don't know where it ends. I have to try to think of one thing I've done that was for free.

Like Alice Koller...you may have pretended to be someone else for so long that you have nearly lost yourself.

How to Change Your Relationship Pattern
Don't give your heart away immediately, only to have it broken yet again.

They don't know how to have a relationship and maintain a sense of themselves at the same time.

Because you may have a tendency to become "lost" in another person and to become confused about the boundaries between yourself and others, try the following centering exercise after you have an intense exchange (whether it be a conversation, an intimate moment of touching and closeness, or a sexual experience):

Sit alone quietly with your eyes closed.

Start breathing deeply, imagining that with each inhale you are coming back into yourself.

Give Up Your Fantasy of the Knight on the White Horse
If you keep looking for someone to take care of you, you will continue to attract people who are overcontrolling and critical, and you will continue to be abused.
  No one can rescue you or save you from yourself. You must begin to meet your own needs, relying on yourself for the nurturing you need,

Provide Your Children with Proper Discipline and Limits
Mutual, loving confrontation is a significant part of all successful and meaningful human relationships. Without it the relationship is either unsuccessful or shallow.

Continuing to Change
Whatever you do, do not be critical of yourself for having to learn a lesson one more time. Often, the lessons we have learned the hard way are the ones that stick with us the most.

Advice to the Sinner
...recognize that if God can forgive you then you must forgive yourself.

Advice to the Drama Junkie
Because you are so used to drama, chaos, and crises, it will take some time for you to get used to peacefulness and calm. As you become healthier, you may go through a period of time when you fear that the "bubble will burst"or the "other shoe will drop" and things will go back to the way they used to be. You may also have the fear that since things have been getting better, you are somehow going to be punished or will have to "pay" for feeling good. You deserve to have all the good feelings it's possible for a person to have, and it's time to let yourself feel good.

Getting Used to Healthy Relationships
I don't know if I'd recognize a healthy relationship if I saw one. I'm not used to being listened to when I make a request. I am used to people being defensive when I have a complaint. And I'm not used to someone actually changing a behavior so as not to hurt me,

Because of the emotional abuse that you have sustained, it is difficult for you to believe that there are, indeed, others who can meet your needs, and that you deserve to have your needs met.

As you continue with your recovery, you will begin to recognize people as their own unique selves instead of as mere shadows from your own past. You will be able to really hear what they are saying instead of misinterpreting their words. And you will be able to take in their love instead of pushing it away, negating it, or being suspicious of it.
   It can be very painful to receive genuine love. Because we are so used to being hurt and deprived, when someone gives us love that is free of expectations, criticism, and games, we can have a hard time taking it in.
   And once we do begin to take in love, we may be overwhelmed with a tremendous feeling of pain. We may begin to cry and sob intensely, not being able to stop. This is because the love we are receiving reminds us of the times we felt unloved and uncared for. Some of you are so filled with pain that you will need to make room for the love. As painful as it is, you must make room and then allow this new, healthy love to come into you, to fill up the empty spaces inside.
   Until now, you have felt that you needed to close off your heart as a protection against further hurt and betrayal. Now, it is time to start opening up your heart again-opening your heart to love.