Too late

From Toby Mac

When we think "it's too late"
God whispers, "I still have a plan"

Hard to find

If you find someone who makes you smile, who checks on you often to see if you're okay, who watches out for you, and wants the very best for you, don't let them go. Keep them close and don't take them for granted. People like that are hard to find.

Preserve

From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day the other day.

Psalm 121:7-8
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The Lord shall preserve your going our and your coming in. From this time forth, and even forevermore.

Exchange

When a man loves a woman she becomes his weakness. When a woman truly loves a man he becomes her strength. This is called the exchange of power.

Just one

I just need one person. To never give up on me. Just one.

More to life

I'm reading a book by Theresa Caputo entitled, There's More to Life Than This. It's overwhelmingly good-so much so, that I have had to take my time reading it to be able to take it all in.

I'm trying to finish it this week so I can lend it to Lisa R. , but I will probably re-read it when she's done and take more notes. Here are some ideas I wanted to record towards the end of the book.

(Side note: what she said about suicide makes me think of how there are many reasons for suicide, just like there are many reasons for a divorce. I just wanted to record that thought so I can expound on it later. I know what happened to you wasn't suicidal and I'm not contemplating it or anything-just comparing situations).

From Chapter entitled, Negative Energy-Do Not Enter
Though some suicide victims can get stuck, this isn't because they're not allowed into Heaven. I'll tell you right now that most of the souls who committed suicide that I channel are at peace, but some do refuse to cross over because they're needlessly worried. Suicide is not part of the journey God set out for you to have; nobody is destined to prematurely end his or her time here to learn a lesson. But I do believe our guides assess suicide on a case-by-case basis-for example, taking your life because you're in physical pain, mentally ill, or dealing with an addiction can hardly be considered "taking the easy way out." But this is what souls can fear, because they're raised with religious beliefs that condemn them and this tragedy. (My own note: this is what I'm viewing as parallel with views on divorce).

From Chapter entitled, Three Not-So-Little Words: Health, Grief, and Healing
To that end, it doesn't make much sense to blame God as "taking a life to soon." It's not like He arbitrarily swats out an otherwise healthy and happy existence, as if He's wielding one of those insect zappers that look like tennis rackets. Remember, your death is an agreed-upon choice between your soul, your guides, and God. It doesn't matter if the person who dies was good, pious as a role model; in most cases, Spirit tells me that death happens when that particular soul, not the human, chooses to leave-even if the soul fights to stay when it's time to cross over. I'm told that this is also the case with children who get sick or die young. Their souls have agreed to take on illnesses for the sake of their growth or for the loved ones connected to them.

As a medium, I've seen clients turn their lives around when they swallow three powerful points. First, that your departed loved ones are still interacting with you in this world, but in another form. Spirit's said to my clients, "I'm not sad, because I haven't lost anything. I'm still with you in a different way"-and that's very comforting. Second, that the soul made a decision to leave this life early for soul growth. And third, that you can learn to recognize when your loved ones are reaching out, so you can reach back.

Often accompanying this emotional fear (that our loved ones who have left us are miserable) is a worry that the person physically suffered during their final moments on earth-because to us, death can look and sound really terrible. But Spirit promises that what you witness and hear during those final breaths is simply the body shutting down. From the initial moment that a life begins to end, be it the first pang of a heart attack or gunshot from a murder, the soul exits the body and no further suffering occurs. The soul leaves this world with dignity and grace.

This comes up with a lot of car accidents.

Souls also remain unaffected in the bodies of those...in a coma or vegetative state. Spirit's said that comas and vegetative states, on the other hand, can occur when it is not the soul's destined time to leave this world, so these souls will simply live out the rest of their time in this way, if they don't recover. But here, the soul is also fine.

And while we're on the subject of bodily concerns, I want to cover one more. Clients ask me what happens to a soul if a body isn't recovered from a tragedy or is unable to be laid to rest for some reason. So in these cases, their soul is still at peace, because our bodies are just a shell. In fact, graveyards are for us, not your loved ones. It's where you go to remember them, but you can also do that from a mountaintop or your living room-they're around because of you. Same thing if Spirit shows up at their own funeral, which they often do. But they come because you are there. And if you have a reading, they might even validate their attendance by describing what their casket looked like, who showed up, if you fixed their hair (my note-this made me cry because I remember that last thing I did before they closed your casket was run my fingers through your hair), and what they wore when they were laid to rest...

Mistake

If I was a mistake I hope I was your favorite. 

Fall in love

If you ever fall in love, 

fall in love with 

someone who wants,

To know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat. Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you're perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you're the one they would love to wake up to each day.

Thank you

Thank you for coming into my life.

Thank you for making me smile like crazy.

Thank you for making me happy.

Fog

I've experienced this from time to time...

The Fog of Grief

Grief causes a fog to roll into our lives. The fog of grief can affect our ability to think or concentrate. This fog often sets in right after a loved one has died. But even after the shock wears off, the fog can linger or come and go for a long time.

One grieving man told me how he came out of a grocery store, pushed his cart full of groceries to his car, then got into his car and drove home-leaving the groceries behind. Another woman described how she'd read the same page of a book five or six times and still couldn't remember what she'd read.

What happens is that our grief gets so heavy that it surrounds us, clouds our minds, and interferes with our ability to think clearly. We're on overload.

People describe this feeling in many ways: "going through the motions," "a robotic existence," "functioning at 50 percent," "forgetful and confused," "on a 10-second time delay," or "disoriented and indecisive," to name just a few.

Notion

I've seen this before, but worth repeating

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of 

someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.

The difference

Forgiveness is required. Trust is earned.


Different post but same idea:

Note to self...
Forgiveness doesn't always lead to reconciliation. It's okay to guard my heart until I see sustained changes. Trust and forgiveness are two different things. To continually open my heart emotionally to someone who is not repentant is not wise.

From Daily Reminders For The Broken Hearted by Debbie Kay

Stopped rushing

Patti F. posted this

Once she stopped rushing through life she was amazed how much more life she had time for.

So much more

By Toby Mac

Perhaps God closed that door because He knew you were worth so much more.

Relationship advice

Pay more attention to your life partner than you do to your phone.

Stand alone

It's easy to stand with the crowd. It takes courage to stand alone.

One decision

You're always one decision away from a totally different life...

Never underestimate

Never
underestimate
the power of
good morning
texts,
apologies,
and
random
compliments.

By Toby Mac

The best

Someone who wants the best for you, is what's best for you.

Get through it

You'll have
good days,
bad days,
overwhelming days,
too tired days,
I can't go on days.

And every day, you'll
still show up.

You will get through it.

By Toby Mac

Go right

Stop being
afraid of
what could
go wrong
and start
being
excited
about what
could go
right.

Let it

I think I'm gonna stick with "if it comes, let it and if it goes, let it" cause this whole fighting for people who are okay with losing me thing has been nothing but a razor scooter to the ankle

Back to me

By John F. Connor

I will walk these steps to heaven

Taking one step at a time

And when I reach the very top

Once again you will be mine

I will wait until my name is called

For the day is meant to be

An angel will open up the doors

And give you back to me

Stop participating

By Toby Mac

Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem.

Overcoming obstacles

By Helen Keller

You will find a joy in overcoming obstacles.

You'll be enough

The right person will come along and you won't need to do anything to keep them interested for the simple fact that you'll be enough

At the mercy

Might have to ponder this thought for a bit...

A person with an experience is not at the mercy of someone with an opinion.

Speechless

Anna W. posted this over the weekend. Still hard to believe Daniel is really gone.

"Last night I went to sleep peacefully in a hotel room. I woke a few hours later to the sound of screams and sobs from the room next door, and my body understood before my head did. This wasn't drama, this wasn't a fight; this was the sound that broken hearts make when a loved one isn't waking up, isn't going to be waking up. And everything after that-the sudden hush, the lights but no sirens, the empty stretcher, the emergency responders without urgency, that heavy silence that might take days and weeks and months to lift-felt so familiar that I've been a little speechless ever since.".

(not sure if she also wrote this or if it's from something else):

when the simple space
between this breath and the next
becomes the silent summons
for a heartbeat
that will not repeat
we come to realize that
everything we ever knew
was nothing much at all


(Side note: Things that gave me chills when I recorded this-"my body understood before my head did", "this was the sound that broken hearts make when a loved one isn't waking up, isn't going to be waking up", "everything that we ever knew was nothing much at all")

Melting away

This was on the FB page, I Am a Mother to an Angel. It was written by Amber Davenport. Pretty intense-not quite my experience, but I can definitely relate...

People have asked me what it's like to live life with a deceased child because they "just can't fathom..." Well let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood.

It's being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It's like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate and regret.

It's like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it's a fxxxing nightmare. A life long fxxxing nightmare.

It's like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.

It's like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don't know what to say to you..at all, about anything...

It's standing alone in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can't see yourself burning the food.

Some days it's falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don't stop until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It's a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you're strong enough or not to survive this.

It's like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like you're just a placement for convenience in this world and in people's lives.

Honestly, it's like knowing that you're going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long lost friend.

It's like this picture below of you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away.

No, it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.

Summer

As another anniversary is here, I just realized recently that the date of it (20th/21st) is on the day of the change of the seasons (four times a year anyway). I realized that when I was inspired to write about summer (and I didn't realize it when I have often written about spring for some reason).

As I was thinking about this, I realized that you epitomize summer to me. The definition of "epitomize" is be a perfect example of. I know it was your favorite season, even though you were born in the fall.

When I think of summer, I think of tan skin, blonde-streaked hair, being carefree, enjoying life, breathtaking sunsets, beaches, the most beautiful blue skies,


Other ideas: poster boy for summer, swimming, beaches, the lake, time with friends, Boys of Summer, beautiful sunny days, sunglasses, shorts, tank tops, poolside, pure happiness, baseball

**I went a different direction than this. Here is what I wrote:

On this 2-year, 10-month anniversary of your homegoing, I just realized recently that the date falls around the first day of a new season (20th/21st) , four times a year of course. I don't know why I never noticed that before.

With the newest season on the horizon tomorrow, I wanted to say that you epitomize summer for me. Tan skin, sun-lightened hair, shorts, tank tops, slide-on shoes-this is how I most remember you. Even your personality matched the season-carefree, easygoing, fun, relaxed, laid back. Everything is better in the summer, and everything was better with you.

I know that summer was your favorite season, and you had some great ones, especially your last one. Thank you for being summer to me. Love and miss you every day, Hayden Smith.

In time we will be together again for all time

Your sweet spot

Daily Devotional by Max Lucado

Living In Your Sweet Spot

Are you living in your sweet spot? Doing what you do well--what you've always loved to do? That last question trips up a lot of folks. God wouldn't let me do what I like to do--would he? Yes, he would. "God is working in you to help you want to do and be able to do what pleases him (Philippians 2:13). Scripture says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).

Your Father is too gracious to assign you to a life of misery. See your desires as gifts to heed rather than longings to suppress. What have you always done well and loved to do? Read your life backward. Re-relish your moments of success and satisfaction. In the merger of the two, you will find your uniqueness!

Nothing into something

From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional

Sculpted From Nothing Into Something

You are more than statistical chance, a marriage of heredity and society. Thanks to God, you have been "sculpted from nothing into something." (Psalm 139:15). He made you you-nique. Secular thinking, as a whole, doesn't buy this. Society simply says, "You can be anything you want to be." But can you?

God never prefabs or mass-produces people. "I make all things new," he declares! (Revelation 2:15). So, you can do something no one else can do in a fashion no one else can do it. "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that" (Galatians 6:4). When you do the most what you do the best, you put a smile on God's face. What could be better than that?

Strongest

I'm not trying to brag or anything, this is just encouraging.

Keep your head up,
God gives the hardest battles
to His strongest soldiers.

Nothing you can do

There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you.

True love

Jesus died for you

knowing that you might never

love Him back.

That is true love.

Way behind

I was way behind on Bible Gateway Verses of the Day. Here are some that I was trying to get caught up on.

Proverbs 15:1
A Soft Answer Turns Away Wrath
A soft answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Matthew 18:15
Dealing with a Sinning Brother
Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Proverbs 31:10, 27-28
The Virtuous Wife
Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her.

------------------------------------------------------------
Matthew 7:13-14
The Narrow Way
Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Habakkuk 3:19
The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills

Not intimidated

From Leonard Ravenhill

A man who is intimate with God is not intimidated by man.

Show it

By R. Queen

If you love something, love it completely, cherish it, say it, but most importantly, show it. Life is finite and fragile, and just because something is there one day, it might not be the next. Never take that for granted.

Say what you need to say, then say a little more. Say too much. Show too much. Love too much.

Everything is temporary but love.
Love outlives us all.

No one would believe it

Live in such a way, that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe it.

More than planned

I turned out liking you more than I originally planned.

No reason

There is no reason to look back, when there is so much good in front of you.

If I answered

From the beginning: I got a weird text from Dad yesterday. It said, "Okay I know you hate me and in your mind I'm the worst husband and dad that ever existed in the entire world, but the slandering by you and your family and friends need to stop now. You are potentially ruining my business, which in turn impacts you and the kids as well."

Here's my answer to him: "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I don't appreciate when you throw something out there and refuse to discuss it."
"I also don't like it when you accuse me of things before getting my side or asking me about it. You did that with the Don situation last week and you do that with pretty much everything else."

This was at 12:49 pm. There was no response from Dad all day. At 3:45 pm, I received a lengthy email from Pastor Matt, telling me that Grammy said some mean things about Dad that got back to him and that I need to stop talking bad about him, etc. He also went on to accuse me of many other things. I have found that answering Pastor Matt's messages to me doesn't do any good, as he takes things out of context or tries to explain away my concerns. I just felt the need to write a response for myself, "If I answered." Here it is.

(I'm not going to quote entire email, just parts that I feel need to be recorded in order to make sense of my response).

"I heard form Bill that you received the earlier two copies of our letter and have chosen not to respond. That is sad for us as a council and church family because you promised us that you would work hard to repair any breach in fellowship. We are hoping you will keep your promise."

My answer: I told Dad that I had received the letters from church but that I wasn't going to respond, since it should be obvious that I am proceeding with the divorce, etc. Dad assured me that it was fine-that is was just a formality on the church's part to make sure I knew what was going on. This is obviously not the case. I am not aware of any "promise" I made to work to repair any breach in fellowship, unless it's part of the membership agreement or something.

In response to what Pastor said about Grammy's behavior: I am not responsible for things that someone else says. I do not agree with what she said and don't believe she should be saying that to people, but Grammy is an adult and knows Dad pretty well since dealing with him for the past 22 + years. She knows he has not come to family gatherings on purpose, has upset/insulted Grandfather on many occasions and has some obvious issues.

As for talking about Dad to others, I am simply sharing my troubles with family and friends in an attempt to get some advice and help. Am I not allowed to do that? I am not making up stuff that he's been doing, I am just sharing facts. I felt the need to share some of the things he was doing to make sure I wasn't going crazy and receive affirmation that what he's been doing is wrong.

Pastor Matt also mentioned how Dad is consistent in speaking kindly of me to others and asking prayer for my well being. What about how he announced the divorce on Facebook? He did that with the intention of embarrassing me. We had agreed not to tell anyone for a while. There were relatives and friends of mine who had no idea and were very shocked and concerned to find that information out in such a public manner. He's done several similar things, like posting marriage quotes, etc. that are targeted at me obviously as his spouse. Why doesn't that count?

Pastor Matt:  "You have asserted that 'Bill is mean' is a fact, but you cannot substantiate that claim."

My answer: Several months ago, maybe even years ago, I wrote a post on this blog entitled
"It's a Question of Character." I wrote that to be able to figure out what my problem with Dad was. This included many, many examples of broken promises, bad choices, etc. I emailed this to Pastor Matt at one point. When he and Dad read it, they basically viewed it as a record of wrongs which the Bible discourages and refuted or explained away every point I had.

Pastor Matt recently asked me for an example of Dad's bad behavior. I mentioned a big one from the week of your funeral when I requested that Grandma Elsie get rides to the visitations and service from someone other than us. I didn't want to deal with her schedule, picking her up, worrying about getting her home, etc. I felt it was a reasonable request. Dad didn't think so and he told me he upset I made her because this is the first grandchild she's lost. Well, it's the first son I lost, so I thought that gave me some more choices. I even texted her and said I was sorry I upset her. Her response: "I have nothing to say to you." (Every time I recall this story, it burns me up on the inside). Grandma Elsie had three other options for rides-Uncle Johnny, Becky and Brenda. Actually more if you count all of her sisters, etc. I wasn't leaving her totally hanging-I knew she had other ride options.

Anyway, Pastor Matt used this as my only example for the divorce and when he recounted it, he neglected to mention what was going on at the time, which is an extremely important part of the story. He said that Christians need to serve others. As I wrote in another post today, "I think Christians should get a break from serving others the week their son dies." Also, it would take more than one example for me to divorce him. It was one example. I don't know why he didn't understand that.

This is out of order, but Pastor Matt can't understand why I can't explain my problem with Bill (have several times) and that how do I expect to explain it to God. I don't have to explain it to God. He knows what's been going on-He's there. God knows our hearts, souls and thoughts. I don't need to explain anything to God-He already knows!

Pastor Matt ended the email this way:  "Either (1) the council and the church family has been hoodwinked all these years about Bill's character, or else (2) you have been deceived by your own sinfulness and the church has been deceived about your testimony. If #1, then you should be able to prove it. Otherwise, we have no choice but to conclude #2.

My answer: It's definitely #1. I don't need to prove it. No one listens to or believes my "proof". I would say "ask the kids" but I don't want to put them in the middle any more than they already are. God knows. The truth will come out. Someday they will realize they sided with the wrong person in this situation.

The next chapter

From Zig Ziglar

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Stand alone

It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to STAND ALONE.

Just shine

I'm pretty sure I've recorded this before, but good reminder. It's by DL Moody

We are told to let our light shine. If it does, we do not need to tell anyone that it does. Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining. They just shine.

Be a light

From Steve Maraboli

Build someone up.

Put their insecurities to sleep.

Remind them they're worthy.

Tell them they're magical.

Be a light in a too often dim world.

It's better

Sometimes it's better to just let things
be, let people go, don't fight for
closure, don't ask for explanations,
don't chase answers and don't expect
people to understand where you're
coming from.

Be the same

Be the same person
privately, publicallly
and personally.

Consequence

Remember this:
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Good purpose

From J. Vernon McGee

In spite of everything that had happened to him, Job believed that God was God and worthy of his worship. Job trusted him, even unto death. My friend, trials would be meaningless, suffering would be senseless, and testing would be irrational unless God had some good purpose and sound reason for them.

The rest of your life

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you
and then I realized
you spent the rest of your life with me
I smile because I know
you loved me
'til the day you went away
and will keep
loving me
'til the day we're
together again

Can't stay away

If two people can't seem to stay away from each other maybe they aren't supposed to.

Unwanted

A woman's worst nightmare is feeling unwanted by the guy she would do anything for.

Stop worrying

I might have posted this before, but worth repeating

Sometimes

you have to stop 

worrying, 

wondering, and

doubting and

just have faith

that things 

will work out.

When women get mad

This is from an article from Hitting Home. It's from that Dr. Force guy I think.

What Happens To Men When Women Get Mad

A man may act defensive, inconsiderate, or nonchalant when his wife is upset, but I am not so convinced this is his initial reaction deep down inside.

Generally speaking, men are goal-oriented. In fact, I find that most men really do want to please their wives. However, when this goal is unmet, many either give up or give into the temptation to lash out or prove to their wives how unworthy they are of their wife's anger. Either way, such approaches will always prove to be futile as they come across as being self-centered in nature.

As a young married man, one of my greatest growth points was learning that lashing out or getting defensive always led to even bigger fights and arguments. This is mainly because my wife saw my defensiveness or my anger as a sign that my goal was primarily selfish in nature in that I was more concerned about her reaction toward me instead of how she felt deep down inside.

Though many women would agree with this last paragraph, let me give you a few reasons why I am finding more men than I should that are bristling with the aforementioned thought:

Women want to be be equal with men, but they still want to be treated like a female.

It is interesting that women demand equal rights with men in every place but the battlefield of male-female relationships. Though I am for equal pay for equal work and all that kind of stuff, at the end of the day, men and women have very different roles in a male-female relationship. In other words, no matter how sophisticated our society gets, intrinsically, women are responders, and they tend to rate the quality of a relationship by the man's treatment of the woman.

I know some are trying to change this age-old norm, but even those that run from it, are still being controlled by it. In fact, their need for an adamant stance against it has a way of proving that this is an unmovable fact of life.

Men are not achieving inward success.

No man is ready for outward success until he has internal success. In fact, every trophy he wins in life will only serve to add to his misery because it reminds him that even his highest goals are unsatisfying at best. (Ecclesiastes 5:10). A biblical man should want his wife's respect, but he should never have to have it in order to feel like a man. If this is ever out of balance in his life, he will always come across as a big baby when he fails to receive the respect he desires.

Many are not able to see under the surface.

Life requires much more than surface knowledge to succeed, especially when it comes to relationships.

Marriage requires that a men dig down in order to see his marriage built up. But, if a man only sees that he is not being respected in the immediate, he will lack the patience to plant the seeds of unconditional love with the result of seeing the fruit of respect at a later time.

As stated in...as a young married man, I came to the realization that my wife was a wilted flower. I also saw that repentance for me was taking sole responsibility for the state of my flower and being willing to love Melody unconditionally in the present until she opened back up to me on her time-table, not my own.

A break

I think Christians should get a break from serving others the week their son dies.

The EAW

I came across this book on Amazon. I think I have some quotes from the author here and there. The book is excellent and eye-opening.

Notes from The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel

Why Emotional Abuse Is So Insidious
First, let's define abuse. Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
  Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. (In fact, a great proportion of the damage caused by physical or sexual abuse is emotional.)
   With emotional abuse, the insults, the insinuations, the criticism, and the accusations slowly eat away the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to her abuser.
   While those who emotionally abuse others don't always intend to destroy those around them, they do set out to control them. And what better way to control someone than to make her doubt her perceptions? What better way to cause her to have such low self-esteem that she becomes dependent on her abuser?
   Emotional-abuse victims become so convinced they are worthless that they believe no one else could possibly want them. Therefore, they stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. The ultimate fear is that of being all alone. And, of course, the idea of being alone is extremely frightening to someone who doesn't have a good sense of self. For such a person, being alone means feeling like a child who is all alone in a cruel world with no one to turn to.
   As noted, it is not uncommon for a woman to be emotionally abused by more than one person. This is because the pattern of abuse often started when she was a child, so she has grown up with low self-esteem and the expectation of being abused. As a result, she continually attracts abusive people in her life. While Maggie's abusers were men, not all emotional abusers are male. In fact, some women use other, less assertive women as targets for acting out their anger and rage. There are also misogynistic females-that is, women who have a deep dislike, distrust, and disdain for other women. And some women may be so envious and jealous of a female friend that they undermine and sabotage the friend's relationships or career.
   Even though emotional abusers can be of either sex, most women reading this book will likely be concerned about their relationships with abusive boyfriends or husbands. Therefore, I will refer to the emotional abuser as "he" throughout unless I am specifically referring to a female abuser.

Sexual Harassment
Although this term is used most often with regard to work settings, a woman can be sexually harassed by anyone, including her husband. Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual advances or physical or verbal conduct of sexual abuse. Whenever a woman is pressured into becoming sexual against her will, whether it be because she doesn't choose that person as a sexual partner or because she doesn't feel like being sexual at the time, it is considered sexual harassment.

Taking Steps Toward Recovery
Because of the undermining nature of emotional abuse, because it tears down your self-esteem and causes you to doubt yourself and your perceptions, you will undoubtedly continue to question whether or not you are actually being emotionally abused. You may sometimes think that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, or that you are making a big deal out of nothing. Even if you are able to hold on to the fact that you are indeed being emotionally abused, you may still believe that you deserve to be treated in an abusive manner. Your abusive mate might tell you that he couldn't get so angry with you if he didn't love you so much. Your abusive boss might apologize for yelling at you, but at the same time excuse his behavior by telling you that he wouldn't get so angry with you if you tried harder or listened to his instructions better. It is important for you to understand that an emotional abuser will always blame his victim for his abusiveness and will always have a excuse for his behavior.

The "Selfless" Woman
The selfless woman is one with a very shaky sense of identity. Because her mother was either too smothering and controlling and didn't allow her to separate from her, or because her mother was rejecting and abandoning and didn't provide adequate nurturing, the selfless woman did not develop a strong identity and sense of self.
  Some mothers, themselves deprived of necessary nurturing and care when they were children, are incapable of being what psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott calls "good enough" mothers to their children. The good-enough mother is there for her child both physically and emotionally, providing continuity, responding readily to her child, and believing from the start that her baby exists in her own right. Without good-enough mothering, a child is deprived of the very foundation upon which it can build a self.
    To overcome her indistinct and mostly negative self-image, the selfless woman may "take on" the personality, identity, or appearance of another person. She often suffers from chronic feelings of emptiness, depression, and helplessness. A selfless woman usually has an extraordinary sensitivity to real or imagined rejection, and while she can be clingy and possessive at times, she can also be very rejecting of others. This is because she both craves and fears intimacy. She fears both being abandoned and being smothered-the latter coming from her fear of losing what little self she has. Needless to say, this makes it difficult for her to maintain stable relationships, since she frequently gives mixed messages ("Come here-go away").
   Romantic attachments for the selfless woman are highly charged, filled with turbulence and rage, and they are usually short-lived. Although she feels continually victimized by others, this woman continues to desperately seek out new relationships, because for her being alone feels more intolerable than mistreatment.
   Because of her deep self-loathing, the selfless woman distrusts others' expressions of caring. She often pursues those who are inaccessible and runs away if her overtures are accepted.
   She seldom learns from past mistakes.Since she doesn't often observe patterns in her own behavior, she tends to repeat destructive relationships. For example, a selfless woman will often return to an abusive ex-husband, who will proceed to abuse her again.
   No matter what others do to hurt or betray her, she keeps forgiving them, believing that they have finally learned their lesson and are going to change. She may decide never to see an abusive person again after he has finally done something so horrible to her that even she has to admit it is unacceptable. But before long, she has allowed herself to be charmed back into believing in the person again. She has convinced herself that this time he is truly sorry, that he has changed.
   The following questions may further help you decide if you are a selfless woman:
    -Do you tend to blame yourself when things go wrong?
    -If you make a mistake, do you see yourself as all bad?
    -Do you try to anticipate what others want or how they want you to act?
    -Do you placate others, or try to "buy"them, in an attempt to keep harm at bay?
    -Do you have a difficult time with change?
    -Does taking risks make you feel frightened or apprehensive?
    -Do you have a history of alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, compulsive
      gambling or shopping, shoplifting, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts?
    -Do you often have violent outbursts of rage?
(Side note: Out of all the types of abused women, this is the one I most identified with, especially later in the book when they talk about a relationship between a selfless woman and narcissist).

The Narcissist
Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, recurrent fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love; a craving for constant attention and admiration; and feelings of rage, humiliation, or haughty indifference when criticized or defeated. In addition, narcissists have at least two of the following characteristics: a sense of entitlement (that is, they view themselves as desirable, talented, and special and thus entitled to special recognition and unconditional acceptance); exploitativeness (the tendency to take advantage of others and disregard their rights); oscillation between extreme overidealization  and devaluation of others; and lack of empathy (meaning not just an inability to recognize how others feel but often also the inability to recognize that others have feelings at all).
   Even though narcissists are often arrogant and vain and seem to feel superior to others, they in fact have very low self-esteem. They find it hard to accept constructive feedback of any kind or to go beyond superficial relationships.

Some Unhealthy Matches: The Selfless Woman and the Narcissist
It makes sense that the selfless woman be attracted to a narcissist, who appears to have the qualities she lacks-self-confidence and a willingness to take risks. Having a tendency to fantasize a great deal herself, the selfless woman easily gets caught up in the narcissist's illusionary world of fantasies and dreams and buys into his own grandiose self-image. Because she has few interests of her own, she is easily caught up in the life of the narcissist, who demands her total attention and adoration. She gets lost in him, and he loves it. He is strongly opinionated, and she goes along with all of his opinions and ideas. Because the selfless woman has a fear of being smothered, she feels comfortable with the narcissist, who is also incapable of true intimacy. Unfortunately, many selfless women interpret the Narcissist's lack of interest in them and tend to devalue them as evidence that they are uninteresting and unimportant. Even though her self-esteem is being greatly damaged, because she is so afraid of being alone, the selfless woman will probably not leave the narcissist unless he rejects her so completely (my own note: how he treated me when we lost Hayden) that her pride forces her to let go.
  As time goes on, however, the selfless woman may begin to see the narcissist for who he really is. If she stands up to him, he will feel insulted and become enraged, accusing her of no longer believing in him and of not supporting him. He will become even more defensive and bent on making her doubt her perceptions.
   She will either buckle under again or she will begin to see through his defenses. She in turn will then begin to devalue him-since he is not all good therefore all bad. She will feel trapped and critical, feeling as if she is with an imposter and that the entire relationship was a hoax. She will feel like she is with a stranger-as if she really never knew him at all and will chastise herself for being such a fool.
  In addition, even though she does not value herself, she may eventually resent the fact that he obviously does not value her. She will get tired of the fact that his needs, his ideas, and his feelings are all important and that he seldom, if ever, has time to listen to her or take an interest in what she is doing.

The Abandoning, Rejecting Parent
(My note: book says that because you are used to abuse, you seek out abusers because that is "normal"to you. Idea of "original abusers")
In addition to being unresponsive, some parents are also unaffectionate. Anita shared with me, "I can't remember my father hugging or kissing me. Even to this day he seems very uncomfortable with affection. I hugged him at my graduation from college and he stiffened up so much that I felt terribly rejected and embarrassed. (My note: Like when I tried to hug my dad at the cemetery the day of your funeral and all he told me was "Stay strong." I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I then asked if he could tell me that, and he did, but it sounded weird. Forced. I forced him to say it).
  "I loved my father and couldn't understand why my love for him wasn't returned. I kept wondering what was wrong with me and I kept trying to be a better daughter so he'd love me." Not having her father's time, attention, or direction, Anita felt worthless and assumed that there was something wrong with her, otherwise her father would have wanted to be with her.

Unfinished Business
(My note: this is when you write letters-don't have to be sent- to your original abusers. I will probably try this exercise at some point. Reminder: Check book on parameters first)

Becoming Your Own Good Parent: Discovering the Child Within
See p. 126-127 for this exercise

When Is It Best to Leave?
(My note: not all of these apply, but most of them do)
If you have identified your current abuser as an antisocial personality, a misogynist, a narcissist, or  destroyer, there is little hope for the relationship. Such people have serious emotional disturbances and require intensive, long-term psychotherapy if there is to be any hope for change. No matter how much they want to change, or how hard they try, they simply can't do it on their own.
   Although I run the risk of oversimplifying, if any of the following circumstances exist in your current relationship in general, it is probably best that you begin working on leaving the relationship.

1.  Your partner is now, or is threatening to become, physically violent.
Physical abusers often begin by emotionally abusing their victims. The more emotional abuse a woman takes, the more permission the abuser feels he has to be abusive. As his anger intensifies and as the relationship deteriorates, he may resort to physical violence as a way of getting control. If he has already hit you, even if it was "just a slap," you are in danger. Don't fool yourself, as so many women have done! If he has hit you once, he will inevitably do it again, and the next time it will be harder. Don't accept the excuse that he was drunk or high when he hit you. He hits you because he is a coward or a bully. If he drinks or uses drugs, that's a different problem.(My note: This doesn't really apply, but I remember him pushing me once when we were in an argument. I was holding baby Hayden at the time).

2. You have reached the point where YOU are becoming physically violent.
If you have become so frustrated and angry that you have reached a breaking point and have begun to act out our anger in a physical way, you are also in danger. You could hurt someone seriously, or you could be hurt seriously yourself. Even if your physical acting out does not hurt your abuser physically, you are still being abusive by doing it and you are risking being hurt if he hits you back. (My note: I hate to admit this, but I have gotten so frustrated with Dad that I have beaten on his chest before, etc., so this definitely applies.)

3. You have begun to fantasize about harming or killing your abuser. 
If you have reached this point, you are feeling trapped and believe there is no way out. But there most certainly is a better way out than risking being put in prison for the rest of your life. He isn't worth it. You need to take responsibility for your anger and find a more constructive way of releasing it...Making  plan of action so you can get out of this potentially disastrous relationship will help you feel less trapped and less desperate. (My note: I have not fantasized about harming or killing Dad, but I have fantasized about if he died some other way).

4. You are seriously questioning your sanity.
If your abuser is using gaslighting techniques on you or is telling you that you are crazy, your mental health is being jeopardized. The longer you stay in a relationship like this, the more you will doubt yourself, and the stronger the possibility is that you will, indeed, have some kind of emotional breakdown.

5. Your children are being abused by the abuser or are being damaged by your relationship with him.
Women often fool themselves into thinking that as long as their husbands or boyfriends are not physically or sexually abusing their children, the children are not being damaged. This couldn't be further from the truth. Children are affected by any disruption in the family, and they are severely affected by seeing or hearing their mother be abused in any way. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your children don't know what is going on. They are aware when someone is being cruel or unfair to their mother. They hear you crying, and they know you are unhappy. Not only are your children being damaged in the present by being around abusive behavior, but you are providing them with a poor role model and setting them up to be either victims or victimizers when they grow up.

6. The abusive person totally devalues you.
An important element of nearly all emotionally abusive relationships is an inequality of power. This is most often brought about because one person feels superior to the other. When one person is devalued and the other is idealized, the idealized one feels entitled to preferential treatment, which can lead to controller mentality.
  If you are in a relationship with someone who devalues you, looks down on you, and doesn't recognize your worth, there is little or no hope for the relationship. Ask yourself these questions:

Does this person see me as an equal?

Does he have a general attitude of being superior to me?

Do I believe this person is superior to me?

If you answered no to the first question or yes to either or both of the other two, you are in an unequal relationship where you are being devalued by the other person and/or you are devaluing yourself. Any good relationship-whether with your mate, a friend, or a parent-is a relationship of equals. This means that both parties contribute equally to the relationship (even if this is done in entirely different ways), and each person values the other's contribution. For example, while the man in a relationship may make more money, the woman should be equally valued for keeping up the home and taking care of the children.

Taking a Stance
There are only two circumstances that will stop an abuser from continuing to abuse you. The first, and most significant, is when an abuser recognizes he is abusive and needs to change. However, most emotional abusers are unwilling to look at their problems and have an investment in making their victims feel responsible for any problems in the relationship.
   The second way that change can occur is for the victim to refuse to put up with any more abusive behavior. Taking this stance will require you to make a commitment to yourself that you are no longer willing to tolerate abuse, and that you will let your abuser know this

Bad Reasons for Staying:
(My note: I chose the ones that stood out to me)
"He says he loves me."
Many emotional abusers are incapable of really loving anyone. They are so caught up in satisfying their own needs that they are unable to even be aware of the other person's needs, much less to satisfy those needs. When we truly love someone, we are able and willing to sometimes put our own needs aside in order to give our loved one what he needs.When we really love someone, we are willing to admit when we are wrong and to work on our problems so that we don't continually keep hurting the other person.

"I love him."  (My note: I don't, but the explanation was helpful)
The chances are very high that what you identify as love is dependence, fear of being alone, or need. It is difficult to truly love someone who is constantly hurting you, constantly damaging your self-esteem.

"I am going to work harder on the relationship."
(My note: I've been told to do this)
Instead of reacting to abusive criticism with justified anger, emotionally abused women tend to blame themselves for whatever happens and to look to themselves to improve the situation. They stay in abusive relationships, convincing themselves that if only they cooked better, cleaned the house better, or lost some weight, their husbands would stop being abusive.

"I expect too much from him; from now on I'm going to try to accept him as he is."
(My note: I don't believe this, but the explanation was helpful)
Chances are that you have been doing this for too long already. Emotionally abused women expect themselves to accept the impossible, to be satisfied with next to nothing. You deserve so much more than you are getting already that lowering your expectations will serve only to lower your self-esteem further.

What Will He Do if I Decide to Leave?
The abuser will probably try to hang on to you when he senses that you are trying to get away. He is used to having you around to take his frustrations out on and to blame when things go wrong in his life. A typical abuser will try any or all of the following tactics to get you to stay:

He will use his best weapons, threats and promises. He may promise he won't ever hurt you again. He may tell you that he has totally changed. But it is important for you to realize that if he were in control of himself in the first place, he would not have been abusive. No matter what he tells you, he can't stop on his own; he needs help. If he tells you he is in control of himself, ask yourself this: If he was in control of his behavior all along, then why did he choose to treat me abusively?

He may try to destroy your self-esteem and make you believe that you can't survive without him. He may tell you that you are so fat (or dumb, or ugly) that he is the only one who would put up with you. He might try to convince you that you could never get another man. These are all lies, and he does not even believe them himself or he wouldn't feel so threatened.

A typical abuser will try to separate his victim from outside support-family, friends, coworkers. If he senses you are going to leave him, he will try even harder to isolate you. You need to break out of your isolation. Join a support group, go back to school, or make new friends so that you can begin to get feedback from people other than the abusive person.

The best reason to leave a relationship is that you have decided that this person or situation is not good for you. And the only time you should stay is if you truly believe that you can now take care of yourself with this person. There is no virtue in staying in an impossible, destructive relationship or situation. Making a clean break can be the most courageous act of all.
   Whatever decision you make, your focus needs to be on you, not your abuser. You need to continually work on increasing your assertiveness and your self-esteem and on completing your unfinished business from the past.

Staying in an Abusive Love Relationship
You may have each exacerbated the other's tendencies to be insecure, abusive, or possessive by pushing buttons and calling forth the past for the other person. You may have added to each other's insecurities, anger, and distrust through rejection, lack of trust, or possessiveness.

Learning to Take Care of Yourself
One of the most important things you can begin to do to take care of yourself is to begin to put your own needs first.

Because of all your prior conditioning, you may believe that taking care of yourself is a very selfish act. But your highest responsibility is to yourself. When you take care of your own needs first, you will be able to be a genuinely caring, giving person...

Eventually, you will find that nothing bad happens to you just because you think of yourself first or because you do what you want to do.

Stop Rescuing and Enabling
...emotionally abused women rescue people who are quite capable of taking care of themselves. They rescue people from their responsibilities by taking care of their responsibilities for them.

Rescuing or enabling is not act of love.

In reality, he will probably do much better without your help, and without someone else to depend on and blame for his problems.

Establish Limits and Boundaries
The emotional abuser will test you to see whether you are serious or will change your mind. After all, since you haven't meant what you said in the past and have made so many empty threats, it is natural that he won't believe you right away. But over time, it will become more and more clear that you do mean what you say.

You can assert yourself and still respect the feelings and rights of other people. You can express your feelings without being obnoxious. Being assertive is not being aggressive, pushy, or selfish. It is being able to state your views and desires directly, honestly, and spontaneously, to act without indecision, and to be true to yourself.

...the purpose of speaking up is not to change the other person's point of view, but merely to assert yours.

Release Your Anger in Constructive Ways
Sometimes the only way a woman who feels powerless can communicate her resentment is by "holding out" sexually. (Also, as I mentioned in the first part of the book, it is often impossible to feel sexual toward someone who is emotionally abusing you because you feel angry and because you don't feel safe or comfortable in being that vulnerable.)

Learning How to Handle Abusive People: Dealing with Criticism
Make the assumption that most insulting remarks, even when couched as "constructive criticism," mean less about you than about the person doing the criticizing.

Try never to get into a verbal battle with an emotional abuser. He will inevitably win the argument because he's so good at zeroing in on your insecurities. Most emotional abusers are like defense attorneys: no matter what you say, they will somehow turn it back on you.

Response to "I am just being honest" or "I'm just trying to help you": Tell the person that he doesn't need to take on the responsibility for your life, that you are an adult who is fully capable of taking care of yourself, and that you can get all the information about yourself that you need in a less painful way.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
From Alice Koller: But think of all the ways there are to lie, and I'll have done every one of them. Pretending to like something because someone in authority does. Evading a question. Saying only part of what I believe. Not saying anything at all. Shaping my words to fit what I know will be acceptable. Smiling when someone intends to be funny. Looking serious when my thoughts are elsewhere. Agreeing when I haven't even thought over the matter. Drawing someone out just because I know he wants to talk. Trying to amuse in order to avoid talking about something I'm not sure of.
   Acting. For the dear love of God, how could I not have understood it before! Those are all pieces of acting. And I don't know where it ends. I have to try to think of one thing I've done that was for free.

Like Alice Koller...you may have pretended to be someone else for so long that you have nearly lost yourself.

How to Change Your Relationship Pattern
Don't give your heart away immediately, only to have it broken yet again.

They don't know how to have a relationship and maintain a sense of themselves at the same time.

Because you may have a tendency to become "lost" in another person and to become confused about the boundaries between yourself and others, try the following centering exercise after you have an intense exchange (whether it be a conversation, an intimate moment of touching and closeness, or a sexual experience):

Sit alone quietly with your eyes closed.

Start breathing deeply, imagining that with each inhale you are coming back into yourself.

Give Up Your Fantasy of the Knight on the White Horse
If you keep looking for someone to take care of you, you will continue to attract people who are overcontrolling and critical, and you will continue to be abused.
  No one can rescue you or save you from yourself. You must begin to meet your own needs, relying on yourself for the nurturing you need,

Provide Your Children with Proper Discipline and Limits
Mutual, loving confrontation is a significant part of all successful and meaningful human relationships. Without it the relationship is either unsuccessful or shallow.

Continuing to Change
Whatever you do, do not be critical of yourself for having to learn a lesson one more time. Often, the lessons we have learned the hard way are the ones that stick with us the most.

Advice to the Sinner
...recognize that if God can forgive you then you must forgive yourself.

Advice to the Drama Junkie
Because you are so used to drama, chaos, and crises, it will take some time for you to get used to peacefulness and calm. As you become healthier, you may go through a period of time when you fear that the "bubble will burst"or the "other shoe will drop" and things will go back to the way they used to be. You may also have the fear that since things have been getting better, you are somehow going to be punished or will have to "pay" for feeling good. You deserve to have all the good feelings it's possible for a person to have, and it's time to let yourself feel good.

Getting Used to Healthy Relationships
I don't know if I'd recognize a healthy relationship if I saw one. I'm not used to being listened to when I make a request. I am used to people being defensive when I have a complaint. And I'm not used to someone actually changing a behavior so as not to hurt me,

Because of the emotional abuse that you have sustained, it is difficult for you to believe that there are, indeed, others who can meet your needs, and that you deserve to have your needs met.

As you continue with your recovery, you will begin to recognize people as their own unique selves instead of as mere shadows from your own past. You will be able to really hear what they are saying instead of misinterpreting their words. And you will be able to take in their love instead of pushing it away, negating it, or being suspicious of it.
   It can be very painful to receive genuine love. Because we are so used to being hurt and deprived, when someone gives us love that is free of expectations, criticism, and games, we can have a hard time taking it in.
   And once we do begin to take in love, we may be overwhelmed with a tremendous feeling of pain. We may begin to cry and sob intensely, not being able to stop. This is because the love we are receiving reminds us of the times we felt unloved and uncared for. Some of you are so filled with pain that you will need to make room for the love. As painful as it is, you must make room and then allow this new, healthy love to come into you, to fill up the empty spaces inside.
   Until now, you have felt that you needed to close off your heart as a protection against further hurt and betrayal. Now, it is time to start opening up your heart again-opening your heart to love.

Perfectly

From something called Soulful Penguin

She isn't perfect and maybe neither is he, but her hand fits into his perfectly.

Do you ever

Do you ever just want to sit next to someone and listen to everything they could possibly say about anything ever just because you like their face and their voice and their general existence?