I will be punished

As I pondered this thought just now, I thought of Someone Else Was punished for something He didn't do. What was His crime? Claiming to be God. But guess what, He was.

I can't compare what is happening to me to that, I know. It's on two different stratospheres or however far the two can get from each other. But the thought of it does make me tear up.

It actually feels nice to not be sinning this morning, and by sinning, I mean reaching out to K. When he says things like, "Have a nice weekend" or "Have a nice week", I wonder if its code for "leave me alone." I don't think it is because I still reach out to him and he responds. Still.

I know I'm going to get caught again. I know it. I have to keep altering my approach, and taking more steps to hide things. It feels so wrong. It is wrong. If, or should I say when. I'm found out again, what will be my explanation to everyone? I told them I wouldn't do the very thing I'm doing. That verse was brought up yesterday. Here it is.

Romans 7:15-24:  For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

(I just tried to end this, but when I looked at the title, the emphasis could be on the "punished" but it could also be on the "I". For that matter, "will" could be emphasized.)

Let's focus on the "punished." My punishment is being ex-communicated from the church. That's huge. The word could go out to other churches and I couldn't attend a like-minded church as well. I wouldn't be allowed to assemble myself with others. I wouldn't be able to see my church family and I wouldn't be able to serve them as I love to do. No more decorating, no more cleaning up after potluck. No more times with Carter in the pews. No more seeing Hopie play. No more reaching out to the little kids there. No more ordering Sunday School materials or Promotion Sundays. Who would do that? It's hard. I have it down now. I have a role there. And now I have to be there for Betty. I can't leave her now.

What's Bill's punishment? Nothing. He would get to stay. After all, it was "his" church first. Forget the 22 years I have served there. It's just as much my church as his. Maybe more mine. He comes out smelling like a rose. Poor Bill. Look what he has to put up with. Because of "her", he can't sleep, he can't perform his job adequately, he can't make any money. Because of "her", he has high blood pressure and diabetes and can't stick to a diet or exercise program. Because of "her" he has no real friends and a lackluster relationship with his kids. Because of "her" all he has the motivation to do is sit around and watch TV all the time. (The more I say this, the more ridiculous it sounds). Because he says he's sorry after every abominable thing he does, it's ok. He repented. He's a repentant sinner. I am not, apparently. How could I keep hurting my husband when he does so much for me? What is my problem?

Those rants seem to address the "will" and the "I" as well. I will make Christ look bad. I don't want that. It will ruin my testimony, present and future. My kids will be mad at me. No one would ever accept any relationship with K, out of my household anyway. This is costly! Am I worth it? Christ thought I was worth dying for. But I don't think He died for me to keep sinning on purpose. Help me, Lord!

Came back to this after thinking some more. What am I being punished for...