Bad things will happen

As you know, I have been having a rough few weeks. My period came this morning, so that explained a little bit (sorry!).

Carter has been sick this week and every day I pray for him to feel better and make it through school. He did today, finally, and it's Thursday. It gave me a sense of what people go through who have sick children who don't get better-like Chad Carr. Although I have had the thought that I wish we had more time with you to say good-bye, that would literally be torture, to keep hoping and praying and getting false hope and then reality setting in that your child is going to die. Hard on the family and hard on the child. Hard is such a weak way to describe what this must be like. I never really thought about in that much depth before. Standing there helpless while your child keeps getting worse and worse, and not being able to do anything about it. Praying for a miracle and not getting it. Having your worst fear come true. Whoa.

Most people take for granted that their child is going to get better, that they're going to go back to school, and life goes on. That is not a guarantee. Most of the time, when someone is in a car accident, they recover and then life goes on. Not always the case. We have to be prepared for that. I mean there's no way to prepare for that, but we have to know that bad things can happen and will happen. It doesn't mean freak out and worry about every little thing. It doesn't mean that God doesn't love us or we have done something wrong. It means that we have to keep going. I'm surprised to be saying this after the past few days. They were horrible! I just had nothing in me. It was scary. Like I didn't want to even come back. Like I didn't want my life. Like there was no point of anything.

It's weird though too because things are getting better with Dad. I think that anger and hate fueled me and provided a giant distraction from dealing with my feelings of losing you. Out of all that has happened with Dad over our whole marriage, I was just noticing on Monday how he took such good care of Carter when he was sick that day and I really appreciated that. I told him that too. That is a huge shift in my thinking and outlook. That can shake everything else up, I guess. Now I feel like I don't know what to talk about with my counselor tomorrow. Oh, well. I'm sure I can think of something. I'm pretty messed up!

Other things that I continue to struggle with are the forgiveness thing which might have cleared itself up with getting along better with Dad, and really grasping the fact the God loves me. When we started that study with the Bible Study ladies, I was crying during the video when it was talking about how much God loves us, how much God loves me. I feel like I so don't deserve that love. I don't. But God loves me anyway. That is such a huge concept-related to forgiveness too I suppose. We don't deserve to have our sins forgiven-I don't deserve to have my sins forgiven. But they are forgiven anyway. No one deserves it. No matter how "good" they are.

"God loves me. God is here. God is for me." These are the phrases we are to keep telling ourselves during this Bible study. How does God feel if I'm not sure if I believe He loves me? What else does He have to do? He made me! How would I feel if one of my children didn't believe I loved them? What an insult! I'm sorry, God! I am just so short-sighted. I am my own worst enemy, I swear. It's horrible. It's like something or someone inside me is trying to bring me down. Some evil voice, making sure I don't think much of myself, no matter what I do. That my only value is in what I do, not who I am.

That killed my spirit a lot too these past few weeks-not being able to keep up on the huge demands I put on myself-housework, laundry, cooking, working out, packing lunches, grocery shopping, etc. I'm a human being, not a human doing. Silly saying. Then feeling bad when I couldn't come to work, etc. I threw up at work and still stayed for two hours. Who does that? And no one cared anyway. It was fine.

Thank you for being with me and reaching out to me. It means the world to me. Love you!