He is wrong

I have this thought often but I then I turn around and start blaming myself for my marriage problems. (By the way, I think I hate the word "marriage" because whenever I hear Dad say it, it's always in a negative way.) I know I am far from the perfect wife, but he is doing a lot of things wrong.

As I discussed with Hope, Dad falls asleep almost every week during the sermon. What is the point of that? Hope said that a Christian shouldn't do that. They should be interested in the Word and want to learn it. It should be riveting. Not something to fall asleep during.

He is too much into worldly things-his phone, TV, going out to eat/movies, drinking beer, etc. It's like he knows all of the lingo and how to "act" as a Christian-even his public prayers are good. But that doesn't mean anything if he doesn't live it day-to-day. Why is he so paranoid about carrying a gun everywhere and making sure the doors are locked, there's security lighting, etc.? It's like he knows the things to say to "fit in" but he doesn't believe them in his heart.

He never says he's sorry. Never. It's the same way with how he knows how to act nice around others, but when he's at home it's a whole different story. And he's so lazy! There are obviously things that need to be done around the house-things that don't necessarily cost money. But he does nothing! Even when we have the money, he spends it on stupid things. That's why he was so against having the graduation party at our house-he's embarrassed at the condition of the house, as he should be! He doesn't shovel, he doesn't mow, he doesn't take out the garbage, what does he do? He doesn't provide. He puts us more into debt. He makes everything more difficult. He made that fancy back on your headstone and now we can't pay for it. He gets a lease against my wishes in my name and now we can't pay what we owe on it. He eats out when there is a fridge-full of homemade dinner food at home, but he will look past that and either have cereal or peanut butter because he's too lazy to put a plate together for himself.

He's sporadic about church attendance, even before Hayden's accident. We used to go to Sunday School, morning service, evening service and we were always there Wednesday nights. Now he is down to almost making it for morning service and even that is not always a given. He eats whatever he wants, healthy or not (always not), plays basketball as much as possible, not for exercise but for fun with his friends (of which he has very few friends), takes off and doesn't care to tell anyone where he is going or answer his phone when we are asking where he is.

And what about when he flew off the handle about me "interrupting" his voice text? To stupid Steve (not that Steve is stupid, but it wasn't to a client or anything). I truly have not ever pondered voice texting and didn't think that my voice would be picked up on his message. I just wanted to tell him that if he was talking to the kids that they weren't home anyway. And then he freaks out and makes me answer why I did that, why I have to be so controlling and I wouldn't answer, so he stopped the car on the side of the highway and threatened to stay there until I answered. It was an honest mistake-usually if he's leaving an important message with someone, he will ask for silence or something and I was just trying to tell him something. That was totally uncalled for and undeserved.

He keeps saying if I want to leave then to go ahead. He can't afford the house on his own. I can't either but at least I have resources to help me. I really don't know what to do. If I am quiet, I get in trouble, if I say stuff, I get in trouble. Lord, help me! I don't know what to do! I don't want to live off of his mom's credit card for the next two weeks-please provide another way! Thank you Lord! Love you boy!