Another great story from #OCA. This one has a profound thought that I'm going to have to ponder for a while. Naturally, my favorites of these stories are the ones that are God-centered. Maybe you can guess what it is.
(Background: they found out their daughter had a congenital heart defect before she was born. Had to have open heart surgery when she was only 5 days old and they discovered more complications. Sat beside her for 73 days waiting for her to recover.)
On the worst day of our lives, November 15, 2014, we held our youngest daughter as she forever fell asleep in our arms. I told her how proud I was of her, and how she was my hero. I sang You Are My Sunshine as she made her journey to Heaven (reminds me of how we sang Bible songs to you in the hospital room which is when you might have died. What a lovely thought that our songs were escorting you to heaven!), and I told her it was okay to go. I couldn't stop kissing her sweet face and telling her how much I loved her.
The moment we were told her heart was no longer beating, my world came to a standstill. What was going to happen now? My (oldest son) had just died, and now I was expected to go out into the world and carry on with life. In my mind, there was no possible way I could do this.
Thankfully, I was wrong.
(Hint: the next paragraph is important in guessing the profound thought!)
In order to take back my life, I had to find meaning as to why this all happened to (Hayden) and our family. As I thought about (Hayden) and (his) beautiful life, it all started to come together. Every day I prayed for (Hayden). I prayed (he) would be healed and (he) would no longer experience any pain and suffering. I prayed that I could take (his) place, and that (Hayden) would be spared from the pain. My prayers were answered, just not in the way I had imagined them to be. (So many people have said this!) You see, my baby is now pain free, in Heaven, and I am the one suffering. I am full of the pain, living without my (Hayden) here on earth, and that's okay. It's okay because I would rather be the one suffering instead of my child. That's my job as (his) mom. That was a huge moment for me.
Once I realized this, it has been easier for me to move forward in life without (Hayden). However, moving forward brings guilt that I am still trying to overcome. Initially, I thought moving forward meant that I was betraying (Hayden), but that's not the case. Moving forward is a step I need to take in order to be a good mom to (Hayden's) brother and sister...I never want my living children...to think I just rolled over and gave up on life after we lost (Hayden). I want to show my children that we can overcome the worst things thrown at us and become better people because of it. I want their lives to be richer because of the life we have lived. I want them to find faith, and know their (brother) is okay in Heaven. All of this can not happen if (Mom) is wallowing in despair.
That means I have to come out of this fire, and celebrate (Hayden's) life in every way possible. I learned that if I celebrate (Hayden) and speak of (him) daily, (he) will always be with us. I will forever have random, bad days because I am a grieving mom who misses her (Hayden) so badly that I physically hurt. That's what love feels like when you lose one of the most important people in your life.
Some may say (Hayden's) life was cut short, but I honestly believe in my heart that (Hayden) lived a full and beautiful life. I thought my hopes and dreams I had for my (son) died with (him) that (August) day, but they didn't. As long as I live, (he) will live on. (He) will live on through (his) siblings and every life (he) has touched. (He) was the strongest and bravest person I have ever met, and I wouldn't change anything about our journey. (Hayden) was chosen for me for a reason. I learn daily why (he) is my (son) and I feel so blessed that (he) is mine. If I were given the opportunity to start over and avoid the heartache, I wouldn't. I am head over heels in love with my (son) and will continue to share (Hayden's) love to anyone and everyone. I am rising above the pain and heartache so I can live a happy life in (Hayden's) memory.
Man, I love that (boy). Who knew such a (young) one, who had the most beautiful eyes, could change the world? But (he) did, and (he) will continue to. I love you (Hayden Milton), and you will forever be my hero.
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