Losing it

Since yesterday I have been really upset about everything. It started when I was reading your Twitter page which was very enjoyable at first and then I came across the thing from Connor. It was bothering me and then I got over it. But then I asked Hope about it and asked her if she thought that was what caused your accident-you being on your phone somehow. She got annoyed and didn't want to talk about it. Later, at some point though, she said that Connor posted that (not sure if correct terminology for Twitter) as a joke because he took a picture of something while he was driving. Uh, oh-now that bothers me too.
   We went to Grandma's last night for dinner which was fine, but then I was stressing out about what kind of salad to make for Hope to take to Coach Katie's for the team dinner tomorrow night (which is now tonight). The thought crossed my mind here and there about if it will be weird for Hope to go there knowing that was the last place you stopped before your accident. I don't know. We finally decided on the salad stuff and it's fine now, but I don't know why I was so stressed out about it.
   While we were at Grandma's, Hope showed me a picture that Jake took at your gravesite that showed they dug up some ground for the little foundation for your stone. That was exciting for a second to see some activity, but then of course later I was wondering about when Arnet's is going to want the rest of the money we owe them and if we will have it at the time.
   Money stuff if insane right now. Dad quit Concord and he is on a run right now which is eating up the money again. He's only going to net a few hundred dollars on it. He keeps using up the money we have on the credit cards and in the bank accounts. I just sit here and watch it dwindle. I get paid this Friday but some of that has to make the van payment and a ton of other things. I had plans to take the kids to the aquarium by Great Lakes Crossing for a lame attempt at a spring break day trip, but now I am getting worried about having the money even for that. I don't want to back out of it though, because Hope has already told Katie she won't be at practice on Friday, Jake might come, etc.
   Dad has interviews tomorrow with Ann Arbor State Bank and Academy Mortgage, but I don't know if either one of them will give him any money right away. We need a lot of money by the 15th. Dad suggested a payday loan, but I don't want to get into that again. It's such a pain to get over there every payday, get the money out, pay it, get a reloan and run that money back to the bank-all over a one hour lunch break.
   I literally cannot handle these money issues of his anymore. It's way too much. I know I have been dealing with them all of our marriage, but I have nothing else in me after losing you. I know everything could change tomorrow once he has his interviews, but I almost don't care anymore. I am sick of his excuses for not making money, why nothing works out, etc.

(Side note: whenever I get too deep into my problems, something or someone comes along to snap me out of it. I think there's a reason for that-I am not going to be able to sit here and figure everything out. I just have to let it go, do what I can, and not think it to death. Thank you Lord, for that. Help me!)