Notes from some other book about emotional/verbal abuse
Such assaults are shockingly evil and can so deeply traumatize partners they may not recover a full sense of self for years to come.
Refusing to respond or talk to the person with whom one is supposedly in a relationship, is seemingly the most extremely irrational behavior of all forms of verbal abuse
-demonstrates that the perpetrator has no relationship with the partner
Withholding seems to be the most toxic form of verbal abuse
-the partner may find out how her mate's day has gone and what his plans are only by listening to his conversations with other
abuser: the person in the incident or incidents who perpetrates the abuse
abuse: those behaviors that attempt to diminish or violate another person, including that person's interests, actions, creations and so forth
verbally abusive relationship: a relationship of oppressor to oppressed in contradistinction to one in which two people are related in mutuality and interdependence
*Some therapists are directive, believing that they know what you should do, or how you should be - but your own insight is far more meaningful that someone else's *
The abuse of power in the "therapeutic" relationship is an outcome of therapy based in Reality I
Many women wrote that abuse took place in front of their therapist and their therapist said nothing about it. A number of women said they experienced abuse from their therapist! "You're equally responsible! - "It takes two!" - "Will you two just quit fighting!" is how the abuser chooses to respond
Even when an abuser has acknowledged his abusive behavior, he may find that it takes great effort and much time to stop it. And even when he seems to have stopped it, a verbally abused partner may be too traumatized to even entertain the idea of rebuilding the relationship with him.
The therapist would invite him to both accept that patriarchy had destroyed the relationship and to let go of it without blaming the partner.
Denial - partner is twice abused - once by the abuse and once by its denial
he is a person and his behavior is a choice
responsibility for abuse rests with the abuser
bad therapists - invested in privileging their "expert" knowledge over valuing the partner's experience
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
BPD
Found these random notes from a book I read about Borderline Personality Disorder. They are arranged by page #, but can't track down info on the title at the moment. Still good information though.
p.44
When we're lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love others have for us. This is very comforting, even if these people are far away - sometimes even if they're no longer living. This ability is known as object constancy.
p.63
Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."
p.74
Each person is responsible for 50% of the relationship
p.75
If you love yourself, you won't let people abuse you. If you support and accept the behavior, you may be encouraging it to continue.
p.80
It is very stressful to be around someone who may severely berate you at any moment with no visible provocation.
p.82
One day, I realized that instead, I had abandoned myself.
p.87
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
p.88
...it is still their decision how to act.
p.99
The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions.
p.92
With BPD, the cause of an argument is not necessarily the actual event but the borderline's interpretation of that event.
p.96
don't take it personally
p.100
Some non-BP's...let others take advantage of them because they felt they didn't deserve better.
You do not have to listen to anyone else tell you that you're an awful, terrible person. You have a choice.
p.101
Every day, we teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will and won't accept, what we refuse to confront, and what we let slide. We may believe that we can make another person's troublesome behavior disappear if we don't make a fuss. But the message we send is: "It worked. Do it again."
p.105
If you find yourself involved with a BP, you can bet that you have unfinished business with a parent.
p.106
You must understand that you do have the power to change your relationships and your life, but it is likely going to be frightening at first. The alternative is to live a fairly unhappy and unsatisfying life in which fear dictates your choices and your relationships.
Me: He took me away from me
p.112
If there appears to be little relationship between your actions and those of the person with BPD, you will see all the more clearly that the person's behavior is not about you.
p.116
splitting, overgeneralizations, illogical connections
p.118
Boundaries are rooted in our beliefs about what we deserve and don't deserve.
p.119
It's like the difference between giving someone a gift and being robbed.
p.120
People with healthy emotional limits understand and respect their own thoughts and feelings.
p.122
People with limits feel more in control of their lives because they realize they have a choice about the behavior they will tolerate.
p.129
....it was only when I started taking care of myself that I was really able to care for others.
p.136
Living with constant criticism and blame can be like dwelling in a smog-filled city: when you're living there, the smog is unnoticeable because you're in the middle of it.
p.140
The emptiness belongs to the person with BPD, and the only person who can fill it is the BP themselves.
p.142
...remind yourself that your version of reality is equally valid as anyone else's
p.146
...you need to return to the belief that you have a right to all of your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Good or bad, right or wrong, they are a part of you.
p.162
When someone with BPD is highly emotionally aroused, do not expect them to act in a logical way. It isn't going to happen. Not because they're not willing to, but because they cannot.
p.163
Realize that extreme rage directed at you or your children is verbal and emotional abuse. Even if you think you can handle it, over time, it can erode your self-esteem and poison the relationship. When you try to swallow your feelings, they usually end up surfacing elsewhere in a way you didn't expect. This can leave you even more isolated in the long run.
p.180
...they may tell a child they are selfish for wanting to spend time with friends
p.181
Some BP's act toward children as if they are all good or all bad
p.192
Judges, lawyers, and activists tell us that while physical abuse can be verified and measured in court, emotional abuse cannot.
...judges may discount or ignore even what you believe to be extreme emotional abuse
p.194
Parenting is the toughest job in the world. Constant invalidation is part of it
Distortion Campaigns
Reduce Your Vulnerability
Consider Not Responding
Answer Questions Without Being Defensive
p.220
People who care about someone with BPD are usually in a great deal of pain. Staying in the relationship as it is seems unbearable. But leaving seems unthinkable or impossible...If you feel this way, you are not alone.
p.223
...it is important to be guided by your own values - not someone else's
p.226
But when BP's refused to take any responsibility for the couple's problems, no matter how hard non-BP's tried to rescue the relationship, the relationship usually ended.
And he can't destroy me because he does not define me. I do.
p.227
Invest in your own sanity for once.
p.229
There can be healing and hope
p.44
When we're lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love others have for us. This is very comforting, even if these people are far away - sometimes even if they're no longer living. This ability is known as object constancy.
p.63
Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."
p.74
Each person is responsible for 50% of the relationship
p.75
If you love yourself, you won't let people abuse you. If you support and accept the behavior, you may be encouraging it to continue.
p.80
It is very stressful to be around someone who may severely berate you at any moment with no visible provocation.
p.82
One day, I realized that instead, I had abandoned myself.
p.87
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
p.88
...it is still their decision how to act.
p.99
The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions.
p.92
With BPD, the cause of an argument is not necessarily the actual event but the borderline's interpretation of that event.
p.96
don't take it personally
p.100
Some non-BP's...let others take advantage of them because they felt they didn't deserve better.
You do not have to listen to anyone else tell you that you're an awful, terrible person. You have a choice.
p.101
Every day, we teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will and won't accept, what we refuse to confront, and what we let slide. We may believe that we can make another person's troublesome behavior disappear if we don't make a fuss. But the message we send is: "It worked. Do it again."
p.105
If you find yourself involved with a BP, you can bet that you have unfinished business with a parent.
p.106
You must understand that you do have the power to change your relationships and your life, but it is likely going to be frightening at first. The alternative is to live a fairly unhappy and unsatisfying life in which fear dictates your choices and your relationships.
Me: He took me away from me
p.112
If there appears to be little relationship between your actions and those of the person with BPD, you will see all the more clearly that the person's behavior is not about you.
p.116
splitting, overgeneralizations, illogical connections
p.118
Boundaries are rooted in our beliefs about what we deserve and don't deserve.
p.119
It's like the difference between giving someone a gift and being robbed.
p.120
People with healthy emotional limits understand and respect their own thoughts and feelings.
p.122
People with limits feel more in control of their lives because they realize they have a choice about the behavior they will tolerate.
p.129
....it was only when I started taking care of myself that I was really able to care for others.
p.136
Living with constant criticism and blame can be like dwelling in a smog-filled city: when you're living there, the smog is unnoticeable because you're in the middle of it.
p.140
The emptiness belongs to the person with BPD, and the only person who can fill it is the BP themselves.
p.142
...remind yourself that your version of reality is equally valid as anyone else's
p.146
...you need to return to the belief that you have a right to all of your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Good or bad, right or wrong, they are a part of you.
p.162
When someone with BPD is highly emotionally aroused, do not expect them to act in a logical way. It isn't going to happen. Not because they're not willing to, but because they cannot.
p.163
Realize that extreme rage directed at you or your children is verbal and emotional abuse. Even if you think you can handle it, over time, it can erode your self-esteem and poison the relationship. When you try to swallow your feelings, they usually end up surfacing elsewhere in a way you didn't expect. This can leave you even more isolated in the long run.
p.180
...they may tell a child they are selfish for wanting to spend time with friends
p.181
Some BP's act toward children as if they are all good or all bad
p.192
Judges, lawyers, and activists tell us that while physical abuse can be verified and measured in court, emotional abuse cannot.
...judges may discount or ignore even what you believe to be extreme emotional abuse
p.194
Parenting is the toughest job in the world. Constant invalidation is part of it
Distortion Campaigns
Reduce Your Vulnerability
Consider Not Responding
Answer Questions Without Being Defensive
p.220
People who care about someone with BPD are usually in a great deal of pain. Staying in the relationship as it is seems unbearable. But leaving seems unthinkable or impossible...If you feel this way, you are not alone.
p.223
...it is important to be guided by your own values - not someone else's
p.226
But when BP's refused to take any responsibility for the couple's problems, no matter how hard non-BP's tried to rescue the relationship, the relationship usually ended.
And he can't destroy me because he does not define me. I do.
p.227
Invest in your own sanity for once.
p.229
There can be healing and hope
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Truly accepted
by Bob Goff
People grow where they're truly accepted, not where they're merely informed.
People grow where they're truly accepted, not where they're merely informed.
Retrace
I think I just came across this recently somewhere else
by Bob Goff
Sometimes God lets us lose hope for a moment,
so we'll retrace our steps
and find Him all over again.
by Bob Goff
Sometimes God lets us lose hope for a moment,
so we'll retrace our steps
and find Him all over again.
Not our job
from Toby Mac
It's not our job to fix people. It's our job to love them even while they're broken.
(Favorite word in this: while, meaning the brokenness is not permanent)
It's not our job to fix people. It's our job to love them even while they're broken.
(Favorite word in this: while, meaning the brokenness is not permanent)
Hide
by A.W. Tozer
No Christian, if he is right with God, should ever need to hide anything in his life.
(Side note: I have been guilty of this here and there)
No Christian, if he is right with God, should ever need to hide anything in his life.
(Side note: I have been guilty of this here and there)
Something amazing
from Toby Mac
Don't miss out on something that could be amazing just because it could also be difficult.
Don't miss out on something that could be amazing just because it could also be difficult.
Don't force
by Toby Mac
Don't force pieces that don't fit.
(Note to self: these next several quotes I came across as I was going through old papers. Sometimes I use them as a sign of what was going on at this time in my life, but these don't necessarily apply)
(Note to self: these next several quotes I came across as I was going through old papers. Sometimes I use them as a sign of what was going on at this time in my life, but these don't necessarily apply)
27 Myths
Found them all! From Lifesavingdivorce.com
27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don't Apply to Committed Christians
Americans love marriage, and deeply religious Americans arguably love it more than anyone. The U.S. has one of the highest marriage rates of any peer country. As a nation we love tales of romance and true love. We lionize the nuclear family. And even though we don't look much like the 1950s anymore, most of us look down on tabloid scandals of cheating, quickie weddings, and lack of commitment. Society and churches put a lot of pressure on people to stay married. If you were brought up with traditional values, your parents likely propelled you toward marriage. (Nothing wrong with that! I love being married.) That's the path for most people even today. Our friends, workplaces, churches, and even the government rewards it. For example, we have more than 1,000 federal statutes that favor married adults over single adults. So from the day we're born we've gotten messages praising marriage and condemning divorce. And many of these messages are well-meaning.
Those messages become destructive when directed at people who are in seriously distressed marriages. I'm talking about the 40% of marriages that include adultery, physical abuse, severe substance abuse, emotional abuse, abandonment and severe neglect. In these situations, these messages are actually harmful.
Researchers have found (to their surprise) that deeply religious people stay in horrible marriages longer and endure far worse abuse than average. In the face of marriage-endangering behavior, many religious people double down and try harder. They pray. They fast. They go to their pastor. They try to be kinder, more forgiving, more sexually available, less argumentative, blaming themselves and bending over backwards to save their marriage. But a long time passes, and none of these things work.
Others might walk away, but these devout people just put their head down and charge through life trying to make the best of a bad situation. Sometimes the marriage improves. Sometimes the vulnerable spouse puts their foot down and says "No more," and gives consequences for bad behavior. And often that's enough to turn the marriage around. But when it doesn't - when a selfish person feels entitled to cheat, lie, intimidate, or control you - and have their own way - these marriages can become dangerous.
Let's look at those messages and see if they apply to your destructive marriage.
Myths of Divorce: You're divorcing because...
Myth 1: You just fell out of love.
TRUTH: No. Many divorces are life-saving.
Myth 2: You just don't take God-ordained marriage seriously.
TRUTH: Life-saving divorcees took marriage very seriously. Their spouse didn't - with their actions, not just their words.
Myth 3: You just didn't try hard enough.
TRUTH: People in the most destructive marriages try harder, and longer, than most people.
Myth 4: You didn't attend church enough.
TRUTH: Churchgoing doesn't make dangerous marriages safe, and it doesn't make dangerous spouses magically change.
Myth 5: Christians have to forgive over and over again, forever
TRUTH: Christians can forgive and get out of a destructive marriage.
Myth 6: You're exaggerating! We'd all know if your spouse was that bad!
TRUTH: It is almost impossible to spot dangerous spouses from outside of the marriage.
Myth 7: It's your fault, because "it takes two to tango."
TRUTH: It only takes one destructive spouse to make a marriage dangerous.
Myth 8: It's your fault, because you're not perfect, either.
TRUTH: We don't have to be perfect before we call for a stop to abuse and cruelty.
Myth 9: You can't demand good treatment. Christians have no rights.
TRUTH: It is godly and biblical to call for justice and loving treatment, for ourselves and others.
Myth 10: It's your fault, because you didn't give your spouse enough sex.
TRUTH: Cheating or sexual abuse is never justified. Your spouse's sexual addiction or deviance can't be fixed by giving them more sex.
Myth 11: It's your fault, because you deserve punishment.
TRUTH: No one deserves abuse or cruelty - ever. God calls us to love one another, not mistreat and betray each other.
Myth 12: It's your fault, because you didn't submit enough.
TRUTH: Submission doesn't prevent abuse. If there is abuse, commanding more submission makes things worse, not better.
Myth 13: The person who files for divorce caused the divorce.
TRUTH: The person who betrays, abuses, and breaks the vows is the one who caused the divorce.
Myth 14: Divorcing bestows a curse on your family.
TRUTH: A life-saving divorce brings God's freedom to the family, not a curse.
Myth 15: God will heal your marriage if you pray enough.
TRUTH: God does promise to heal all marriages in answer to our prayers. Sometimes, he answers our prayers by helping us get out of a marriage when it turns dangerous.
Myth 16: It's God's will for you to suffer quietly in your marriage.
TRUTH: God's will is for justice, love, and truth to be lifted high - not for his children to live in silent suffering and bondage.
Myth 17: Marriage is God's best way to mature you.
TRUTH: God matures us in many ways, not only through marriage. He can mature us through a life-saving divorce and through rebuilding our lives afterward.
Myth 18: God forbids all divorce, and divorce is the unpardonable sin.
TRUTH: Scripture shows that God gives permission for divorce.
Myth 19: Your divorce will shatter the image of Christ and the church.
TRUTH: No human being is powerful enough to shatter the image of Christ and the church. Abuse and betrayal dishonor Christ, not life-saving divorces.
(My own side note: reading through these, I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I stayed in that marriage. That divorce was life-saving. Wow!)
Myth 20: If you are godly, you can marry any Christian,and it will work.
TRUTH: It matters whom you marry, because a healthy marriage takes two to build, not just one.
Myth 21: Divorce will destroy your children. You should stay for the sake of your kids.
TRUTH: Dangerous marriages harm children by making them victims of cruelty, or witnesses of it. Life-saving divorce can get them to safety and help them to thrive.
Myth 22: It takes two parents to raise good kids.
TRUTH: Emotionally healthy single parents and stepparents can do as good a job raising healthy kids as anyone else.
Myth 23: You can't divorce your spouse, because they don't know any better.
TRUTH: We can put a stop to abuse even when the abuser doesn't "get it." We can love someone, and leave our dangerous marriage to them, at the same time.
Myth 24: If you stay and suffer, you might save your spouse, and you will glorify Christ.
TRUTH: Your spouse is not abusing you because of your faith, and Christ is not glorified by your anguish. Staying and suffering is no guarantee you'll win an abusive spouse to Christ.
Myth 25: You can only divorce if they hit you.
TRUTH: Emotional/verbal abuse, financial abuse, and spiritual abuse are all unacceptable forms of treatment and are grounds for divorce, both from a biblical and legal perspective.
Myth 26: Husbands must cleanse and sanctify their wives.
TRUTH: Jesus cleanses and sanctifies us, not our spouses. Husbands cannot and should not try to take the place of Jesus in their spouse's life.
Myth 27: You cannot divorce because you are one flesh and have a soul tie.
TRUTH: Our bond with the Lord is eternal and cannot be ended.
To you, dear friend: So if these myths torment you, making you second- and third- and fourth-guess yourself, cling to God's truth.
The abuse, neglect, infidelity, or other immorality is not your fault.
You tried hard enough - and then some! You've gone to counseling, you've set boundaries, you've carried out consequences. There is nothing more you can do. Your kids are not likely to be ruined forever if you get a life-saving divorce. Eight in ten children come out with no serious lifelong problems socially, emotionally or psychologically. God will not punish you for divorcing. On the contrary, he will help you through, and he will help you heal afterward.
Don't live in silent suffering, captive to the bad behaviors of your spouse, mired in perpetual disrespect. contempt, or misery. You are valuable to Jesus.
Let God's truth set you free.
To pastors and church leaders:
Devout people keep their marriage problems hidden. They keep praying for a miracle. So there's a good chance someone you know (maybe it's you) has never told their pastor, or anyone at church, about the abuse, infidelity, gambling addiction, or pedophilia. And when the problems become volcanic, and the vulnerable spouse - the one who invested and sacrificed themselves repeatedly - finally crumbles under the strain, no one believes them. If you want to help spouses in distress, please read Chapter 8 of the Life-Saving Divorce book.
These 27 myths are taken from the book, The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Marriages," by Gretchen Baskerville.
27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don't Apply to Committed Christians
Americans love marriage, and deeply religious Americans arguably love it more than anyone. The U.S. has one of the highest marriage rates of any peer country. As a nation we love tales of romance and true love. We lionize the nuclear family. And even though we don't look much like the 1950s anymore, most of us look down on tabloid scandals of cheating, quickie weddings, and lack of commitment. Society and churches put a lot of pressure on people to stay married. If you were brought up with traditional values, your parents likely propelled you toward marriage. (Nothing wrong with that! I love being married.) That's the path for most people even today. Our friends, workplaces, churches, and even the government rewards it. For example, we have more than 1,000 federal statutes that favor married adults over single adults. So from the day we're born we've gotten messages praising marriage and condemning divorce. And many of these messages are well-meaning.
Those messages become destructive when directed at people who are in seriously distressed marriages. I'm talking about the 40% of marriages that include adultery, physical abuse, severe substance abuse, emotional abuse, abandonment and severe neglect. In these situations, these messages are actually harmful.
Researchers have found (to their surprise) that deeply religious people stay in horrible marriages longer and endure far worse abuse than average. In the face of marriage-endangering behavior, many religious people double down and try harder. They pray. They fast. They go to their pastor. They try to be kinder, more forgiving, more sexually available, less argumentative, blaming themselves and bending over backwards to save their marriage. But a long time passes, and none of these things work.
Others might walk away, but these devout people just put their head down and charge through life trying to make the best of a bad situation. Sometimes the marriage improves. Sometimes the vulnerable spouse puts their foot down and says "No more," and gives consequences for bad behavior. And often that's enough to turn the marriage around. But when it doesn't - when a selfish person feels entitled to cheat, lie, intimidate, or control you - and have their own way - these marriages can become dangerous.
Let's look at those messages and see if they apply to your destructive marriage.
Myths of Divorce: You're divorcing because...
Myth 1: You just fell out of love.
TRUTH: No. Many divorces are life-saving.
Myth 2: You just don't take God-ordained marriage seriously.
TRUTH: Life-saving divorcees took marriage very seriously. Their spouse didn't - with their actions, not just their words.
Myth 3: You just didn't try hard enough.
TRUTH: People in the most destructive marriages try harder, and longer, than most people.
Myth 4: You didn't attend church enough.
TRUTH: Churchgoing doesn't make dangerous marriages safe, and it doesn't make dangerous spouses magically change.
Myth 5: Christians have to forgive over and over again, forever
TRUTH: Christians can forgive and get out of a destructive marriage.
Myth 6: You're exaggerating! We'd all know if your spouse was that bad!
TRUTH: It is almost impossible to spot dangerous spouses from outside of the marriage.
Myth 7: It's your fault, because "it takes two to tango."
TRUTH: It only takes one destructive spouse to make a marriage dangerous.
Myth 8: It's your fault, because you're not perfect, either.
TRUTH: We don't have to be perfect before we call for a stop to abuse and cruelty.
Myth 9: You can't demand good treatment. Christians have no rights.
TRUTH: It is godly and biblical to call for justice and loving treatment, for ourselves and others.
Myth 10: It's your fault, because you didn't give your spouse enough sex.
TRUTH: Cheating or sexual abuse is never justified. Your spouse's sexual addiction or deviance can't be fixed by giving them more sex.
Myth 11: It's your fault, because you deserve punishment.
TRUTH: No one deserves abuse or cruelty - ever. God calls us to love one another, not mistreat and betray each other.
Myth 12: It's your fault, because you didn't submit enough.
TRUTH: Submission doesn't prevent abuse. If there is abuse, commanding more submission makes things worse, not better.
Myth 13: The person who files for divorce caused the divorce.
TRUTH: The person who betrays, abuses, and breaks the vows is the one who caused the divorce.
Myth 14: Divorcing bestows a curse on your family.
TRUTH: A life-saving divorce brings God's freedom to the family, not a curse.
Myth 15: God will heal your marriage if you pray enough.
TRUTH: God does promise to heal all marriages in answer to our prayers. Sometimes, he answers our prayers by helping us get out of a marriage when it turns dangerous.
Myth 16: It's God's will for you to suffer quietly in your marriage.
TRUTH: God's will is for justice, love, and truth to be lifted high - not for his children to live in silent suffering and bondage.
Myth 17: Marriage is God's best way to mature you.
TRUTH: God matures us in many ways, not only through marriage. He can mature us through a life-saving divorce and through rebuilding our lives afterward.
Myth 18: God forbids all divorce, and divorce is the unpardonable sin.
TRUTH: Scripture shows that God gives permission for divorce.
Myth 19: Your divorce will shatter the image of Christ and the church.
TRUTH: No human being is powerful enough to shatter the image of Christ and the church. Abuse and betrayal dishonor Christ, not life-saving divorces.
(My own side note: reading through these, I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I stayed in that marriage. That divorce was life-saving. Wow!)
Myth 20: If you are godly, you can marry any Christian,and it will work.
TRUTH: It matters whom you marry, because a healthy marriage takes two to build, not just one.
Myth 21: Divorce will destroy your children. You should stay for the sake of your kids.
TRUTH: Dangerous marriages harm children by making them victims of cruelty, or witnesses of it. Life-saving divorce can get them to safety and help them to thrive.
Myth 22: It takes two parents to raise good kids.
TRUTH: Emotionally healthy single parents and stepparents can do as good a job raising healthy kids as anyone else.
Myth 23: You can't divorce your spouse, because they don't know any better.
TRUTH: We can put a stop to abuse even when the abuser doesn't "get it." We can love someone, and leave our dangerous marriage to them, at the same time.
Myth 24: If you stay and suffer, you might save your spouse, and you will glorify Christ.
TRUTH: Your spouse is not abusing you because of your faith, and Christ is not glorified by your anguish. Staying and suffering is no guarantee you'll win an abusive spouse to Christ.
Myth 25: You can only divorce if they hit you.
TRUTH: Emotional/verbal abuse, financial abuse, and spiritual abuse are all unacceptable forms of treatment and are grounds for divorce, both from a biblical and legal perspective.
Myth 26: Husbands must cleanse and sanctify their wives.
TRUTH: Jesus cleanses and sanctifies us, not our spouses. Husbands cannot and should not try to take the place of Jesus in their spouse's life.
Myth 27: You cannot divorce because you are one flesh and have a soul tie.
TRUTH: Our bond with the Lord is eternal and cannot be ended.
To you, dear friend: So if these myths torment you, making you second- and third- and fourth-guess yourself, cling to God's truth.
The abuse, neglect, infidelity, or other immorality is not your fault.
You tried hard enough - and then some! You've gone to counseling, you've set boundaries, you've carried out consequences. There is nothing more you can do. Your kids are not likely to be ruined forever if you get a life-saving divorce. Eight in ten children come out with no serious lifelong problems socially, emotionally or psychologically. God will not punish you for divorcing. On the contrary, he will help you through, and he will help you heal afterward.
Don't live in silent suffering, captive to the bad behaviors of your spouse, mired in perpetual disrespect. contempt, or misery. You are valuable to Jesus.
Let God's truth set you free.
To pastors and church leaders:
Devout people keep their marriage problems hidden. They keep praying for a miracle. So there's a good chance someone you know (maybe it's you) has never told their pastor, or anyone at church, about the abuse, infidelity, gambling addiction, or pedophilia. And when the problems become volcanic, and the vulnerable spouse - the one who invested and sacrificed themselves repeatedly - finally crumbles under the strain, no one believes them. If you want to help spouses in distress, please read Chapter 8 of the Life-Saving Divorce book.
These 27 myths are taken from the book, The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Marriages," by Gretchen Baskerville.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Covenant breakers
from Flying Free
Divorce isn't the breaking of the marriage covenant.
It's the legal process and ending of a marriage covenant that was already broken.
Women who initiate divorce from abusive men are not the covenant breakers.
We need to tell the truth about this to protect these women.
Divorce isn't the breaking of the marriage covenant.
It's the legal process and ending of a marriage covenant that was already broken.
Women who initiate divorce from abusive men are not the covenant breakers.
We need to tell the truth about this to protect these women.
Monday, April 6, 2020
Never really lived
I remember giving you this quote before you left for Haiti
You have never really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.
You have never really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.
Go to him
2 Samuel 12:23
But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
Judge vs. do
Came across some old quotes while going through papers. Not sure if I have them recorded already or not.
by Os Guiness
In our day, it is considered worse to judge evil than to do evil.
by Os Guiness
In our day, it is considered worse to judge evil than to do evil.
Thursday, April 2, 2020
Always will
She was never prepared for half of what she went through,
but she got through it.
She always will.
~She is me
but she got through it.
She always will.
~She is me
Lose hope
Posted by Toby Mac
by Bob Goff
Sometimes God
lets us lose
hope for a
moment, so
we'll retrace
our steps and
find Him all
over again.
by Bob Goff
Sometimes God
lets us lose
hope for a
moment, so
we'll retrace
our steps and
find Him all
over again.
Step away
from Flying Free
by Tara Mohr, Playing Big
You don't have to win the argument with your inner critic;
you have to step away from the conversation.
by Tara Mohr, Playing Big
You don't have to win the argument with your inner critic;
you have to step away from the conversation.
Good answer
from Flying Free
A good answer when someone expresses disagreement with a decision you've made regarding your own life. Works on older kids and others with a poor grasp of boundaries:
"I respect your right to have a different viewpoint based on your personal life experience and limited knowledge of my life experience. I hope you'll extend the same respect for my viewpoint which is based on my intimate understanding of my own circumstances."
A good answer when someone expresses disagreement with a decision you've made regarding your own life. Works on older kids and others with a poor grasp of boundaries:
"I respect your right to have a different viewpoint based on your personal life experience and limited knowledge of my life experience. I hope you'll extend the same respect for my viewpoint which is based on my intimate understanding of my own circumstances."
Your perfection
from Flying Free
When someone tells us we can live perfectly, grieve perfectly, love perfectly, raise children perfectly, or have well behaved emotions 24/7, they are promoting an enemy agenda. They are telling us we can be like God.
That's the lie from the Garden.
You will never do it perfectly. Your hope doesn't lie in how well you do things. Your hope lies in Jesus Christ. He is your perfection. You get to be a child of God. And He loves all His messy, very human children. Just as you are.
When someone tells us we can live perfectly, grieve perfectly, love perfectly, raise children perfectly, or have well behaved emotions 24/7, they are promoting an enemy agenda. They are telling us we can be like God.
That's the lie from the Garden.
You will never do it perfectly. Your hope doesn't lie in how well you do things. Your hope lies in Jesus Christ. He is your perfection. You get to be a child of God. And He loves all His messy, very human children. Just as you are.
1942
Have seen this posted in several places...
C.S. Lewis 1942
Satan: "I will cause anxiety,
fear and panic.
I will shutdown
business, schools,
places of worship,
and sports events.
I will cause economic turmoil."
Jesus: "I will bring together neighbours,
restore the family unit.
I will bring dinner back
to the kitchen table,
I will help people slow down their lives
and appreciate what really matters.
I will teach my children to rely on me
and not the world.
I will teach my children to trust me
and not their money and material resources."
C.S. Lewis 1942
Satan: "I will cause anxiety,
fear and panic.
I will shutdown
business, schools,
places of worship,
and sports events.
I will cause economic turmoil."
Jesus: "I will bring together neighbours,
restore the family unit.
I will bring dinner back
to the kitchen table,
I will help people slow down their lives
and appreciate what really matters.
I will teach my children to rely on me
and not the world.
I will teach my children to trust me
and not their money and material resources."
Caused
from 27 Myths About Divorce
(Note to self: find entire list)
The person who files for divorce caused the divorce.
The person who betrays, abuses, and breaks the vows is the one who caused the divorce.
(Note to self: find entire list)
The person who files for divorce caused the divorce.
The person who betrays, abuses, and breaks the vows is the one who caused the divorce.
My strength and refuge
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 62:7
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge,
is in God.
Psalm 62:7
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge,
is in God.
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