Ten things

From Here Comes the Sun

Ten Things I Learned When My (Son) Died

10.  Death doesn't ask.
What you'd prefer. Who should go first. When it will happen. If you're ready or willing or what you'd give instead.

9.  Life doesn't mind.
You've read (his) autopsy eleven times. You're afraid to fall asleep and to wake up. Your hair is falling out and you've memorized crop circles on the ceiling and you haven't showered in five days. You get up and you go to bed and (he's) not there. You still have to pay the water bill.

8.  The true meaning of the following words, in no particular order.
Difficult. Helpless.
Numb, Futile, Blind.
Jealousy. Anxiety, Insomnia.
Beauty. Horrific.
Courage, Friendship.
Plasticity. Lost.

7.  Love conquers all.
Even death.

6.   Some people can hang.
And some cannot.

Call. Hug. Stay.
Sit with you on the hospital bed. On the hospital
floor. On the bedroom floor. On the bathroom
floor.
Hold your (son). Wrap (him) in tiny blankets
intently, softly. Sing to (him) as if (he) were alive.
Sift ashes through their fingers, entwined with
yours, into the ground.
Hold your head in their hands, hold your heart in
their words.
Check in. Send a card. Stick around.

5.   This doesn't matter.
Insert anything here. Literally anything. Whatever you're stressing over today, whatever's depriving you of sleep or making your insides loose or shortening your words, you could be laughing about in an instant, tomorrow, trust me.

4.   This does.
Their breath on the glass. Their hands on the fridge. Their cries down the hall and their hair in the shower. Their footsteps on the hardwood. Their spills. Their smells. Their eye rolls. The tops of their heads on your nose. Their texts and their awful jokes and their fevers at 3 am. Their carpet recitals and their holey sweatpants and their toys in the entryway. Rinse and repeat. Forever.

3.   Forgiveness is key.
Those people who didn't call? That person who said that awful thing? They were trying. They didn't try at all. They had no experience. They knew better. Forgive them. All of them. Forgive yourself, too.

2.    You should.
Say hello. Slow down. Eat the bread. Make the drive.

1.   You can.
Say goodbye. Endure. Remember. Survive.