Real change

I unfortunately was fooled by something like this...

From Flying Free

The cycles of abuse and addiction contain times of apology and penance. Do not mistake these times for real change.

Specificity in taking responsibility, ongoing empathy for those whom they have harmed and changed behavior without the need to be "seen" as changed are all signs of a more substantial change.

Generalized apologies and token acts of penance are often a smokescreen to get others to believe real change has happened and manipulate others into coming to their defense. Pay attention to their behavior six months later, not their words in the moment.

Please do not ask victims or those harmed by the abuser to "forgive" just because the addict or abuser is in the penance phase of the cycle. It plays right into the cycle. Those harmed need to set and maintain healthy boundaries, not just fling the door open to the next phase of the cycle. Expecting meaningful long term changes is not unforgiveness, it is wisdom. Talking about behaviors that demonstrate an ongoing cycle is not a failure to let go of the past, it is recognition that the problem is more than just individual behaviors.

by Bob Hamp