If I answered

From the beginning: I got a weird text from Dad yesterday. It said, "Okay I know you hate me and in your mind I'm the worst husband and dad that ever existed in the entire world, but the slandering by you and your family and friends need to stop now. You are potentially ruining my business, which in turn impacts you and the kids as well."

Here's my answer to him: "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I don't appreciate when you throw something out there and refuse to discuss it."
"I also don't like it when you accuse me of things before getting my side or asking me about it. You did that with the Don situation last week and you do that with pretty much everything else."

This was at 12:49 pm. There was no response from Dad all day. At 3:45 pm, I received a lengthy email from Pastor Matt, telling me that Grammy said some mean things about Dad that got back to him and that I need to stop talking bad about him, etc. He also went on to accuse me of many other things. I have found that answering Pastor Matt's messages to me doesn't do any good, as he takes things out of context or tries to explain away my concerns. I just felt the need to write a response for myself, "If I answered." Here it is.

(I'm not going to quote entire email, just parts that I feel need to be recorded in order to make sense of my response).

"I heard form Bill that you received the earlier two copies of our letter and have chosen not to respond. That is sad for us as a council and church family because you promised us that you would work hard to repair any breach in fellowship. We are hoping you will keep your promise."

My answer: I told Dad that I had received the letters from church but that I wasn't going to respond, since it should be obvious that I am proceeding with the divorce, etc. Dad assured me that it was fine-that is was just a formality on the church's part to make sure I knew what was going on. This is obviously not the case. I am not aware of any "promise" I made to work to repair any breach in fellowship, unless it's part of the membership agreement or something.

In response to what Pastor said about Grammy's behavior: I am not responsible for things that someone else says. I do not agree with what she said and don't believe she should be saying that to people, but Grammy is an adult and knows Dad pretty well since dealing with him for the past 22 + years. She knows he has not come to family gatherings on purpose, has upset/insulted Grandfather on many occasions and has some obvious issues.

As for talking about Dad to others, I am simply sharing my troubles with family and friends in an attempt to get some advice and help. Am I not allowed to do that? I am not making up stuff that he's been doing, I am just sharing facts. I felt the need to share some of the things he was doing to make sure I wasn't going crazy and receive affirmation that what he's been doing is wrong.

Pastor Matt also mentioned how Dad is consistent in speaking kindly of me to others and asking prayer for my well being. What about how he announced the divorce on Facebook? He did that with the intention of embarrassing me. We had agreed not to tell anyone for a while. There were relatives and friends of mine who had no idea and were very shocked and concerned to find that information out in such a public manner. He's done several similar things, like posting marriage quotes, etc. that are targeted at me obviously as his spouse. Why doesn't that count?

Pastor Matt:  "You have asserted that 'Bill is mean' is a fact, but you cannot substantiate that claim."

My answer: Several months ago, maybe even years ago, I wrote a post on this blog entitled
"It's a Question of Character." I wrote that to be able to figure out what my problem with Dad was. This included many, many examples of broken promises, bad choices, etc. I emailed this to Pastor Matt at one point. When he and Dad read it, they basically viewed it as a record of wrongs which the Bible discourages and refuted or explained away every point I had.

Pastor Matt recently asked me for an example of Dad's bad behavior. I mentioned a big one from the week of your funeral when I requested that Grandma Elsie get rides to the visitations and service from someone other than us. I didn't want to deal with her schedule, picking her up, worrying about getting her home, etc. I felt it was a reasonable request. Dad didn't think so and he told me he upset I made her because this is the first grandchild she's lost. Well, it's the first son I lost, so I thought that gave me some more choices. I even texted her and said I was sorry I upset her. Her response: "I have nothing to say to you." (Every time I recall this story, it burns me up on the inside). Grandma Elsie had three other options for rides-Uncle Johnny, Becky and Brenda. Actually more if you count all of her sisters, etc. I wasn't leaving her totally hanging-I knew she had other ride options.

Anyway, Pastor Matt used this as my only example for the divorce and when he recounted it, he neglected to mention what was going on at the time, which is an extremely important part of the story. He said that Christians need to serve others. As I wrote in another post today, "I think Christians should get a break from serving others the week their son dies." Also, it would take more than one example for me to divorce him. It was one example. I don't know why he didn't understand that.

This is out of order, but Pastor Matt can't understand why I can't explain my problem with Bill (have several times) and that how do I expect to explain it to God. I don't have to explain it to God. He knows what's been going on-He's there. God knows our hearts, souls and thoughts. I don't need to explain anything to God-He already knows!

Pastor Matt ended the email this way:  "Either (1) the council and the church family has been hoodwinked all these years about Bill's character, or else (2) you have been deceived by your own sinfulness and the church has been deceived about your testimony. If #1, then you should be able to prove it. Otherwise, we have no choice but to conclude #2.

My answer: It's definitely #1. I don't need to prove it. No one listens to or believes my "proof". I would say "ask the kids" but I don't want to put them in the middle any more than they already are. God knows. The truth will come out. Someday they will realize they sided with the wrong person in this situation.