Dealing with toxic people

This is by Gary Roe

Dealing with Toxic People

"People can be so insensitive and mean. Do they realize what they're saying?" Janet said, wringing a napkin in her hands.

Janet's daughter Courtney was a tough and determined survivor. Diagnosed with lymphoma in her late teens, Courtney battled through treatment regimens, kept her spirits up, and dedicated her life to serving others. One Thursday afternoon while she was having lunch with friends, she suddenly lost consciousness and stopped breathing. Courtney was 37.

"Words can cut deep," Janet continued. "Some people mean well, but others can be cruel. I miss Courtney. I always will. How can I not grieve?"

Some people can be toxic
The death of a loved one will powerfully impact our relationships. Some people will step up and be helpful. Others will disappear. Still others might be hurtful or demeaning.

Many people are scared, anxious, and living on the emotional edge. Some are surly, angry, and bitter. The pain tends to spill out in what we say. Words can be sharp and cutting, even cruel.

"Are you still grieving? What's wrong with you? Pull it together."

"Life goes on. You should be over this by now."

"I thought you were better and stronger than this."

"People die. It's part of life."

"Isn't she better off now? You should be happy."

We've all heard similar, equally shocking examples we could add to this list. Why do people say these things? Are they afraid of the pain? Has our grief triggered unresolved issues from their past? Has our loss unearthed some buried terror? Are they just mean?

It's important to realize that what people say is mostly about them-their emotions, fears, hurts, anger and pain. People who utter unkind, toxic statements are revealing something about themselves.

Our hearts have been shattered. The last thing we need is someone tromping into our lives and smashing the remaining pieces. We need support, compassion, and hope.

Here is one of the basic components for healthy grieving: Get around people who are helpful and limit exposure to those who aren't. We don't have time, energy, or space for toxic people. Their voice hinders grieving, recovery, and healing. They are best avoided. If we can't (family members or work associates, for example), we need to devise a survival strategy for when we have to be around them.

How do we respond to the toxic statements of others? One option is to not respond at all. Simply walk away. Unkind statements often don't deserve a response. In most cases, almost anything we say will only become gasoline on a fire. Toxic people are often bitter, angry, and looking for a fight. Firing back at a toxic person usually only leads to being shot at again.

If we feel we must say something, it might be best to come up with a canned response. "Thanks for your concern." "Yes, I'm still grieving. I always will." "I'm working on it."

We can't control the words or actions of toxic people, but we can limit the access they get to our hearts.

"I'll avoid toxic people. My heart is too important not to."