Weekend blog

I need to blog on the weekend as well as during the week-so much seems to happen. This weekend was weird because there really wasn't anything happening on Saturday which is usually a bad thing. We didn't have any money to do anything and Dad was gone the whole day picking up his car in Indiana. I started working in the basement again, and that's always difficult because there are things I come across that make me sad.  
   This time I was coming at the cleaning up from a perspective I got from my little nightly devotional book about what to do with the "things." I'm so careful with everything of yours and tried to keep a lot of it as you left it, but was realizing that you will not ever be using those things again. At some point, except for some keepsakes, there isn't a reason to keep it. And then realizing that there are extra dressers we don't need now because Carter is using yours, etc. I put a lot of your clothes in that white dresser but the other wood one we really don't have a use for.
   I was thinking of this too from a standpoint of when I'm gone someday that a lot of my stuff will be gotten rid of, so why am I holding onto so many things now. I was thinking like stuff from Grandma's house that seems so sacred but it's really not. There's no point of it sitting on a shelf for years and years collecting dust just because "it was Grandma's." Maybe that will help me get rid of stuff. I don't know, I hope so.
   I was bummed about that thought and shared it with Dad and he actually said something that helped me, he said that you don't need that stuff anymore. At some point during the weekend I felt bad that I couldn't give you more than I was able to. I also had a sad thought when I was thinking about prom that maybe it turned Carrie off that we asked her to pay for her own prom ticket. At the time, though, everything was adding up like the tux, dinner, the corsage (which I felt bad that it wasn't bigger and nicer too), etc. I didn't know what was acceptable and then you checked with Robby C. and he said he and Kristin each bought their own tickets. That was a little different though because they had been dating for quite a while. I wondered if that was insulting to Carrie and maybe that didn't help things between you and her. I don't know. I guess if she liked you, she wouldn't have cared. Why didn't she like you? How could she not? The only thing I can think of is just because it was probably weird to start a relationship the last month of senior year. I guess it's ultimately good for her that she didn't, considering what happened to you. I don't know.
     When I think about all of these things, they are superficial, materialistic types of things that really don't matter now. They don't really matter period in the grand scheme of things. I just hope that nothing I did caused you heartache or sadness. I love you so much. I know I've made mistakes here and there like we all do. I'm just feeling bad about those right now.
   It's just unbelievable how long our money problems have lasted. There are so many things that have been affected by that problem. And here we are again-not knowing where Dad's next paycheck is coming from. I have no energy to worry about it or plan for it or anything. I've prayed about it and we just have to wait and see each day what happens. I am hesitant to sign up for anything with Hope's Hornet Invite this weekend because I don't know what the money situation will be.
  I was even thinking about how at almost each graduation party of Dad's nieces and nephew how we never have money to give them in the card. I think that happened with all of them except Amanda I think. It's just insulting. It's a double whammy with Dad because not only does he have trouble making money, he still spends it the same. And then he declares this weekend that he is going to succeed no matter what with this job and all I could think was, why hasn't he been that motivated at his other jobs to provide for us? When he was talking about getting a draw from whoever hires him, I pointed out that it helps at first but then there is always a lull between when his draw ends and his commissions kick in-which is true, it happens every time. He snapped back that he didn't need any of my negativity and didn't want to talk about it anymore. He said that no matter what he was going to make this work. That's fine and dandy to be that motivated, but there are things that can't be controlled, like the market, etc. He should know that. Someone could be determined to be an actor, for example, but it might not work out. There are so many factors. I mean, of course I hope this job works out, but there have been so many that haven't and they are all the same job pretty much, just different places. And then the trucking job didn't work out at all because he got lazy and "missed home" so his net income went down and down. Last week was like a nightmare trying to cover flights and gas for him there when we were scraping here. It was almost ridiculous. I make a decent income but I'm not able to budget as I would like because of all the crazy stuff he needs and does. And then he blows through my bonus every year. I told him to scale back on the renovations-all I wanted to do was get the room painted and he went overboard with Jim on the "temporary" kitchen. But no, he kept saying, "What would we need it for?" I pointed out how many things come up that we don't expect. And now the van needs work that we can't pay for. Hope is waiting and waiting to go to the dentist until we figure out if Dad is going to get dental insurance or if the office will still pay me back, I don't know where the money is coming from to pay the last lease payment on the 200 this Friday, etc. Dad suggested one of those cash advance places, but they are so hard to get out of once they get started. I just don't want to go there again. I could go on and on. Sorry-some of this doesn't involve you.  I guess what I want you to know is that over all these years, it's not like I was holding back or being greedy about things-I was just trying to survive. Love you sweet boy!