Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
Hebrews 10:30-31
For we know Him who said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. And again, "The Lord will judge His people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
I started this blog soon after the death of my beautiful 17-year-old son, Hayden, as a way to deal with my grief. I titled it "Dear Hayden" because at first I wrote as if I was writing to him. My use of the word "dear" ended up being twofold: "used as an affectionate or friendly form of address" and "regarded with deep affection; cherished by someone." Many posts are saved quotes, song lyrics, Bible verses, poems, etc. with credit given to the actual authors as much as possible. Enjoy~
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Find someone
Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you, who knows you aren't perfect but treats you as if you are, who's biggest fear is losing you, who says "I love you" and means it with all of their heart, someone who believes leaving and giving up isn't an option.
One day someone will
One day someone will
walk into your life and get it
right where everyone else got it
wrong. One day you won't have to
wait for a call or a text back. One
day you won't be the only one
giving your all.
One day you'll finally meet
someone who wants to help you
grow in life. One day you'll finally
meet someone who isn't afraid to
give "love" another chance.
One day you'll finally meet
someone you can trust with
everything. One day you'll have
your best friend, your biggest
supporter and your teammate
all wrapped up into one person.
Consistency
And when he asked what it was
that he could give her that she'd
never had before, her answer
was so simple.
Consistency, she said.
"If you want to give me something
that no man has ever given to me, then
don't give me mixed signals nor mixed
emotions that leave me wondering.
I'm tired of wondering. If you're
going to be here with me, then be
here, if you ever feel the need
to leave, then stay gone.
All I need at this point
from someone is consistency."
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
In each other
By Rumi
The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
One moment
If out of time I could pick one moment and keep it shining always new,
of all the days I have lived I'd pick the moment I met you.
of all the days I have lived I'd pick the moment I met you.
Her walls
He broke down her walls without her even noticing
and when he rebuilt the walls
he added windows to let the sunshine in.
and when he rebuilt the walls
he added windows to let the sunshine in.
Damaged people
The Way Damaged People Love
Damaged people love you like you are a crime scene
before a crime has even been committed.
They keep their running shoes beside their souls every night,
one eye open in case things change whilst they sleep.
Their backs are always tense as though waiting
to fight a sudden storm that might engulf them.
Because damaged people have already seen hell.
And damaged people understand that every evil demon
that exists down there was once a kind angel before it fell.
Damaged people love you like you are a crime scene
before a crime has even been committed.
They keep their running shoes beside their souls every night,
one eye open in case things change whilst they sleep.
Their backs are always tense as though waiting
to fight a sudden storm that might engulf them.
Because damaged people have already seen hell.
And damaged people understand that every evil demon
that exists down there was once a kind angel before it fell.
I refuse
I Refuse!
I refuse to be discouraged,
To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted,
and here's the reason why:
I have a God who's mighty,
Who's sovereign and supreme,
I have a God who loves me,
And I am on His team.
I refuse to be discouraged,
To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted,
and here's the reason why:
I have a God who's mighty,
Who's sovereign and supreme,
I have a God who loves me,
And I am on His team.
Glory in tribulations
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Romans 5:3-4
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:3-4
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Complementarianism and Patriarchy
From Flying Free FB page. I tried to print out the article about it, but it was way to confusing.
Some definitions:
complementarianism: men and women have different but complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage, family life, religious leadership, and elsewhere
patriarchy: a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it
Is There a Line Between Complementarianism and the Patriarchy Movement?
by Ashley Easter
Where is the line between patriarchy that "dangerously disempowers women" and patriarchy that simply disempowers women? Isn't disempowering women as a whole dangerous?
Is it possible that both Complementarianism and the Patriarchy Movement are based off the same theological framework, Patriarchy? Could it be that there is an overlapping and no clear line between the two? Is it possible the only distinction is how thoroughly one follows through this theology?
Some definitions:
complementarianism: men and women have different but complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage, family life, religious leadership, and elsewhere
patriarchy: a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it
Is There a Line Between Complementarianism and the Patriarchy Movement?
by Ashley Easter
Where is the line between patriarchy that "dangerously disempowers women" and patriarchy that simply disempowers women? Isn't disempowering women as a whole dangerous?
Is it possible that both Complementarianism and the Patriarchy Movement are based off the same theological framework, Patriarchy? Could it be that there is an overlapping and no clear line between the two? Is it possible the only distinction is how thoroughly one follows through this theology?
She loves anyway
I know I've posted this before, but worth repeating.
She is strong, but not in the ways most people think.
She loves more than she'll ever get back and she knows it.
And yet, she loves anyway.
She is strong, but not in the ways most people think.
She loves more than she'll ever get back and she knows it.
And yet, she loves anyway.
Lose one blessing
By C.S. Lewis-one of my favorite quotes
When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place.
When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place.
Loving herself
"Children need to see the right man loving their mother."
Or maybe children need to see their mother loving herself.
Or maybe children need to see their mother loving herself.
Broken hearts
She spent her whole life fixing broken hearts, yet she didn't know how to fix her own...
She will
The problem is women think he will change, he won't.
The mistake men make is thinking, she'll never leave,
She will
The mistake men make is thinking, she'll never leave,
She will
For your consideration
By Alfa (?)
I knew you were special when I opened my soul for your consideration, and instead of saying I was too much work to take on, you stepped inside and made yourself at home.
I knew you were special when I opened my soul for your consideration, and instead of saying I was too much work to take on, you stepped inside and made yourself at home.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Repentant predators
Predators is a strong word to me, but the same principles apply
From Flying Free FB page
From Restory, the website of Mary DeMuth
Be Wise about Repentant Predators
We've possibly grown numb to the cavalcade of abuse allegations both within and outside the church. Recently the Grand Jury investigation in Pennsylvania went public. Willow Creek is reeling in the aftermath of allegations against its founder, Bill Hybels. A well know missions agency is dealing with one woman's painful story of one of their own. Last week, Publisher's Weekly posted a story about sexual harassment allegedly happening in Christian writing conferences. If you would like to see a microcosm of the brokenness of the church, simply read the comments on that post or many like it.
(And be assured, this is just one story of many, repeated in many industries, associations, churches and ministries).
There is such a thing as secondary victimization (though I'm not wild about the word victim). It happens when the survivor finally (after years of fear, difficulties, and after effects of abuse) tells their story and instead of mercy and empathy, they receive hostility, unbelief or shaming.
What did you wear?
What vibe were you giving off?
Why didn't you slap them? I certainly would have.
Why did it take you so long to report?
Are you sure it happened?
Have you owned your own sin in the interaction?
I am over these kinds of wholly uninformed, loveless responses. Can you imagine Jesus asking these questions of victims?
But I'm ever more over the well-articulated repentances of caught offenders.
We must remember a few things about serial sexual predators.
They are practiced.
They spend a lifetime perfecting their techniques. Theirs is not a crime of convenience (where a victim just happened to come across their path), but of continual, dogged, almost-job-like preparation. They study. Like a velociraptor, they learn. And try new techniques. They're almost like magicians in their ability to practice sleight of hand and word.
They are charming
They get away with serial predation precisely because they're charming. They know how to befriend and be kind to 98% of the population and seek out the vulnerable. They tell the vulnerable 2% that no one would believe even if they did tell. Why? Because they are typically not the person you'd expect to be a predator. The 98% is part of their overall plan. In 98% of their lives, they're upstanding, helpful, generous, funny, self-deprecating, "honest," and engaging.
So if or when victims bring something to light, so few believe them. Why? Because who want to believe that your amazing friend is actually a wolf in sheep's clothing! Surely not! Surely the #metoo movement has gone crazy, and now every accusation is false. Knowing just how hard it was for me to disclose my own abuse, I know that the grand majority of people how quietly whisper their abuse are telling the truth.
They can spin
It's particularly telling in the writing industry, but it's also true elsewhere. Predatory people have learned how to spin a story to demean and demoralize a victim to such an extent that after you read or hear their words, you're convinced the predator is the victim.
Be very, very cautious about a predatory person who plays on your empathy. Be very, very wary of a person who demeans their accusers or gossips maliciously about anyone who has brought an accusation to light.
They repent only when they're exposed
While true repentance can happen when someone is caught in the act (I'm thinking of Matthew 18 here or the man caught with his father's wife in Corinthians), if a predatory person repents only after exposure, be cautious. There's a vast difference between saying eloquent words of repentance after being caught and actually quietly repenting, asking forgiveness of each victim, and working toward restorative justice.
What about redemption?
But let's say the predatory person actually has repented. Shouldn't we offer grace immediately? Aren't we people of redemption? And who are we to cast stones? Wouldn't we be better off looking at our own sin? Isn't it gossip to refer to the Publisher's Weekly article?
It is not gossip to expose predators. It's telling the truth for the sake of preventing future victims. When they began harming others, they relegated their "right" to privacy.
And in terms of casting stones, yes, of course, we examine ourselves. But what if our introspection means we don't report very real predation? What if society operated that way? What if I knew that a person was a murderer and would most likely murder again? Would I refrain from reporting simply because I, too, struggle with sin? How ridiculous is that? My own sin struggle is a separate issue from being an agent of justice. My greater allegiance must be to the One who made us, who calls murder (and rape) wrong. My allegiance must be to protect the innocent.
My friend Jennifer wrote this:
"Forgiveness-biblical or otherwise-never entails the dismissal or denial of consequences. Quite the opposite in fact.The carte blanche, faux grace is as insidious as it is heretical. Grace is never to be a cloak for vice and true repentance-the real, original word-involves turning & going the other way. Not a bit about trumpeting your newfound victimhood or hiding behind some childish squeal of "can't touch me, I'm safe cuz I said the Magic Words!" The response of these folks is garbage. Fear-fueled, people-pleasing, ear-tickling garbage."
Besides that, redemption is more nuanced than blindly inferring it upon perpetrators. First, if the predator is fake-repentant, offering them quick, cheap grace simply emboldens and empowers them to continue in their predatory behavior unchecked. Do you really want that to happen?
And if the predatory person has abused their power, it would be unkind to them and to future victims to welcome them back into that arena of temptation.
However, so many stories all over the world and all over Christendom favors the redemptive narrative to the detriment of further victims. Abusers are allowed to do the predatory shuffle-to move from publishing house, to position of authority, to speaker, to luminary. Which makes it even harder for victims to speak up. The fame and believability of the one in power overshadows the "small" story of the abused.
And let's not forget that this is not about sex. This is not about consensual affairs. This is about coercive control and abuse of power.
Even so, let's say the person has truly repented (more than just feeling bad about being exposed, but a genuine horror at the damage they've done to others). Even if he or she repents and asks for forgiveness and goes to therapy to understand their demons (which is an important part of the eventual restoration process), it doesn't negate two very important things:
1. Ethical standards have been violated (and, in some instances, crime has occurred).
2. The victim remains harmed, and is left to deal with the aftermath of the abuser's actions.
Which leads to a story:
The Hit and Run Analogy
I equate a serial perpetrator to an unruly drunk driver. Perhaps they've been caught in smaller indiscretions before, warned many times, or maybe they've gotten away with it for years. Even so, on one particular day, this drunk driver jumps a curb and hits an unsuspecting pedestrian.
(And it doesn't matter what that pedestrian was wearing).
Then the driver flees. A hit and run.
He or she begins to believe that there are no repercussions for driving drunk. So they keep doing it. Keep jumping curbs and harming people-people who have to go to the hospital, who enter rehab to learn how to walk again, who will never be the same.
Let's say there are 30 victims. No repentance. No getting caught. Just more drunk driving, more harm, more brazen confidence-all while drunk driver publicly excels in other areas, seemingly unaffected by what they've done.
Then one day, the investigator on all these cases uncovers that they didn't realize there were cameras in all the accident areas. So they catch the drunk driver on camera and arrest the person. The drunk driver, faced with extremely incriminating evidence over the span of years, confesses, then "repents."
Even so, they cannot take back the harm. The hit and run happened (many times, many lives). It devastated the pedestrians who will battle injuries for life, whether or not the driver repented. Their "repentance" cannot negate the crime, nor can it erase the damage done. For their sake, the victims (in order to move on with their lives without bitterness), may have forgiven the drunk driver, but even that forgiveness does not erase the aftermath.
In a legal situation, the drunk driver will be prosecuted, and if they ever get out of prison, they'll most likely not be allowed to operate a car again, or they'll have to breathe into a device to be able to start their car. And the victims will have the right to file civil cases, against the driver to be recompensed financially for all the pain, medical care, and damages done to them.
In the case of sexual assault or harassment, these situations seldom darken the courtroom, and victims seldom sue. But the analogy stands. EVEN IF the person repents, that does not make everything happy again, tied up in a bow.
Zaccheus and Repentance
When I think of genuine repentance and restoration (because I do love a good redemption story), I remember Zaccheus who broke bread with Jesus in his home in Luke 19:
"Zaccheus stopped and said to the Lord, 'Behold, Lord, half of my possessions I will give to the poor, and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will give back four times as much.' And Jesus said to him, 'Today salvation has come to this house, because he, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:8-10).
Zaccheus experienced true repentance. He looked back on his life, saw his sin against others, and chose willingly of his own volition to do whatever he could to pay restitution. Once he declared his intentions before Jesus, salvation graced him. He moved from crooked tax collector to redeemed follower of Jesus, and the bridge to that glorious place was a repentance backed by restorative action. It is my sincere prayer that those who have preyed on others will find this kind of redemptive path.
But let's be careful, friends. Let's be discerning when someone (who has multiple victims) claims repentance. Just because the person is nice or seems sad for getting caught, remember that there are people aching in the aftermath of their predation, and that even their repentance cannot remove what has already been done.
I explore predatory people in my upcoming book, The Seven Deadly Friendships. You can take a quiz to find out if you're in a predatory (or narcissistic) relationship here.
From Flying Free FB page
From Restory, the website of Mary DeMuth
Be Wise about Repentant Predators
We've possibly grown numb to the cavalcade of abuse allegations both within and outside the church. Recently the Grand Jury investigation in Pennsylvania went public. Willow Creek is reeling in the aftermath of allegations against its founder, Bill Hybels. A well know missions agency is dealing with one woman's painful story of one of their own. Last week, Publisher's Weekly posted a story about sexual harassment allegedly happening in Christian writing conferences. If you would like to see a microcosm of the brokenness of the church, simply read the comments on that post or many like it.
(And be assured, this is just one story of many, repeated in many industries, associations, churches and ministries).
There is such a thing as secondary victimization (though I'm not wild about the word victim). It happens when the survivor finally (after years of fear, difficulties, and after effects of abuse) tells their story and instead of mercy and empathy, they receive hostility, unbelief or shaming.
What did you wear?
What vibe were you giving off?
Why didn't you slap them? I certainly would have.
Why did it take you so long to report?
Are you sure it happened?
Have you owned your own sin in the interaction?
I am over these kinds of wholly uninformed, loveless responses. Can you imagine Jesus asking these questions of victims?
But I'm ever more over the well-articulated repentances of caught offenders.
We must remember a few things about serial sexual predators.
They are practiced.
They spend a lifetime perfecting their techniques. Theirs is not a crime of convenience (where a victim just happened to come across their path), but of continual, dogged, almost-job-like preparation. They study. Like a velociraptor, they learn. And try new techniques. They're almost like magicians in their ability to practice sleight of hand and word.
They are charming
They get away with serial predation precisely because they're charming. They know how to befriend and be kind to 98% of the population and seek out the vulnerable. They tell the vulnerable 2% that no one would believe even if they did tell. Why? Because they are typically not the person you'd expect to be a predator. The 98% is part of their overall plan. In 98% of their lives, they're upstanding, helpful, generous, funny, self-deprecating, "honest," and engaging.
So if or when victims bring something to light, so few believe them. Why? Because who want to believe that your amazing friend is actually a wolf in sheep's clothing! Surely not! Surely the #metoo movement has gone crazy, and now every accusation is false. Knowing just how hard it was for me to disclose my own abuse, I know that the grand majority of people how quietly whisper their abuse are telling the truth.
They can spin
It's particularly telling in the writing industry, but it's also true elsewhere. Predatory people have learned how to spin a story to demean and demoralize a victim to such an extent that after you read or hear their words, you're convinced the predator is the victim.
Be very, very cautious about a predatory person who plays on your empathy. Be very, very wary of a person who demeans their accusers or gossips maliciously about anyone who has brought an accusation to light.
They repent only when they're exposed
While true repentance can happen when someone is caught in the act (I'm thinking of Matthew 18 here or the man caught with his father's wife in Corinthians), if a predatory person repents only after exposure, be cautious. There's a vast difference between saying eloquent words of repentance after being caught and actually quietly repenting, asking forgiveness of each victim, and working toward restorative justice.
What about redemption?
But let's say the predatory person actually has repented. Shouldn't we offer grace immediately? Aren't we people of redemption? And who are we to cast stones? Wouldn't we be better off looking at our own sin? Isn't it gossip to refer to the Publisher's Weekly article?
It is not gossip to expose predators. It's telling the truth for the sake of preventing future victims. When they began harming others, they relegated their "right" to privacy.
And in terms of casting stones, yes, of course, we examine ourselves. But what if our introspection means we don't report very real predation? What if society operated that way? What if I knew that a person was a murderer and would most likely murder again? Would I refrain from reporting simply because I, too, struggle with sin? How ridiculous is that? My own sin struggle is a separate issue from being an agent of justice. My greater allegiance must be to the One who made us, who calls murder (and rape) wrong. My allegiance must be to protect the innocent.
My friend Jennifer wrote this:
"Forgiveness-biblical or otherwise-never entails the dismissal or denial of consequences. Quite the opposite in fact.The carte blanche, faux grace is as insidious as it is heretical. Grace is never to be a cloak for vice and true repentance-the real, original word-involves turning & going the other way. Not a bit about trumpeting your newfound victimhood or hiding behind some childish squeal of "can't touch me, I'm safe cuz I said the Magic Words!" The response of these folks is garbage. Fear-fueled, people-pleasing, ear-tickling garbage."
Besides that, redemption is more nuanced than blindly inferring it upon perpetrators. First, if the predator is fake-repentant, offering them quick, cheap grace simply emboldens and empowers them to continue in their predatory behavior unchecked. Do you really want that to happen?
And if the predatory person has abused their power, it would be unkind to them and to future victims to welcome them back into that arena of temptation.
However, so many stories all over the world and all over Christendom favors the redemptive narrative to the detriment of further victims. Abusers are allowed to do the predatory shuffle-to move from publishing house, to position of authority, to speaker, to luminary. Which makes it even harder for victims to speak up. The fame and believability of the one in power overshadows the "small" story of the abused.
And let's not forget that this is not about sex. This is not about consensual affairs. This is about coercive control and abuse of power.
Even so, let's say the person has truly repented (more than just feeling bad about being exposed, but a genuine horror at the damage they've done to others). Even if he or she repents and asks for forgiveness and goes to therapy to understand their demons (which is an important part of the eventual restoration process), it doesn't negate two very important things:
1. Ethical standards have been violated (and, in some instances, crime has occurred).
2. The victim remains harmed, and is left to deal with the aftermath of the abuser's actions.
Which leads to a story:
The Hit and Run Analogy
I equate a serial perpetrator to an unruly drunk driver. Perhaps they've been caught in smaller indiscretions before, warned many times, or maybe they've gotten away with it for years. Even so, on one particular day, this drunk driver jumps a curb and hits an unsuspecting pedestrian.
(And it doesn't matter what that pedestrian was wearing).
Then the driver flees. A hit and run.
He or she begins to believe that there are no repercussions for driving drunk. So they keep doing it. Keep jumping curbs and harming people-people who have to go to the hospital, who enter rehab to learn how to walk again, who will never be the same.
Let's say there are 30 victims. No repentance. No getting caught. Just more drunk driving, more harm, more brazen confidence-all while drunk driver publicly excels in other areas, seemingly unaffected by what they've done.
Then one day, the investigator on all these cases uncovers that they didn't realize there were cameras in all the accident areas. So they catch the drunk driver on camera and arrest the person. The drunk driver, faced with extremely incriminating evidence over the span of years, confesses, then "repents."
Even so, they cannot take back the harm. The hit and run happened (many times, many lives). It devastated the pedestrians who will battle injuries for life, whether or not the driver repented. Their "repentance" cannot negate the crime, nor can it erase the damage done. For their sake, the victims (in order to move on with their lives without bitterness), may have forgiven the drunk driver, but even that forgiveness does not erase the aftermath.
In a legal situation, the drunk driver will be prosecuted, and if they ever get out of prison, they'll most likely not be allowed to operate a car again, or they'll have to breathe into a device to be able to start their car. And the victims will have the right to file civil cases, against the driver to be recompensed financially for all the pain, medical care, and damages done to them.
In the case of sexual assault or harassment, these situations seldom darken the courtroom, and victims seldom sue. But the analogy stands. EVEN IF the person repents, that does not make everything happy again, tied up in a bow.
Zaccheus and Repentance
When I think of genuine repentance and restoration (because I do love a good redemption story), I remember Zaccheus who broke bread with Jesus in his home in Luke 19:
"Zaccheus stopped and said to the Lord, 'Behold, Lord, half of my possessions I will give to the poor, and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will give back four times as much.' And Jesus said to him, 'Today salvation has come to this house, because he, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:8-10).
Zaccheus experienced true repentance. He looked back on his life, saw his sin against others, and chose willingly of his own volition to do whatever he could to pay restitution. Once he declared his intentions before Jesus, salvation graced him. He moved from crooked tax collector to redeemed follower of Jesus, and the bridge to that glorious place was a repentance backed by restorative action. It is my sincere prayer that those who have preyed on others will find this kind of redemptive path.
But let's be careful, friends. Let's be discerning when someone (who has multiple victims) claims repentance. Just because the person is nice or seems sad for getting caught, remember that there are people aching in the aftermath of their predation, and that even their repentance cannot remove what has already been done.
I explore predatory people in my upcoming book, The Seven Deadly Friendships. You can take a quiz to find out if you're in a predatory (or narcissistic) relationship here.
Walk in love
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Ephesians 5:1
Walk in Love
Therefore be imitators of God as dear children.
Ephesians 5:1
Walk in Love
Therefore be imitators of God as dear children.
Others
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Philippians 2:3-4
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his best interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his best interests, but also for the interests of others.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
The most damaging counseling mistakes
From Flying Free FB page
From My Only Comfort website
The most damaging counseling mistakes
This could also be called, "Lessons from Ignaz Semmelwies." He was a fascinating man. He was the first one to suggest that doctors wash their hands between patients. He was ridiculed and soundly mocked, put down, and outcast for it. Everyone knew that sickness came from spirits, bad air, bad joojoo, or God's curse. What did handwashing have to do with it? He's just being worldly. There have got to be Bible verses about the evils of medicine. Isn't it "trusting in man" or something like that?
I used to think the same way. I was taught that anything learned about counseling from a (hushed gasp) secular counselor, or, the most shocking of all, the psychologist (!) was just one step away from inviting the devil to dinner. I heard of a sermon where the pastor said that anyone who goes to a psychologist is denying Christ and the sufficiency of Scripture. Stupid hand-washers!
I say this to my shame, for I used to believe and counsel the same way, and have since repented of my ungodly, unbiblical attitude.
If we will put aside our pride and listen to the voice of simplicity, and just "wash our hands" we will learn from our mistakes and quit killing the souls of those who come to us for help.
Here are the biggest mistakes we still make-soul killers-in no particular order. By the way, for you "nouthetic" people out there, each one of these mistakes is a mistake because it contradicts Scripture, not because unbelievers say they are wrong. I agree with you that Scripture alone is our only guide. So let's hear what it says. So here is my list. I suspect there will be more to come.
1. We say, "It takes two to ruin a marriage." Or "It takes two to fight." No. The Bible nowhere teaches this. Abel didn't cause Cain to sin. David didn't provoke Saul. Jesus didn't provoke Judas. Joseph wasn't to blame for his slavery. Stephen didn't cause his stoning. And on and on. In fact, David said, "I am for peace, but when I speak they are for war." (Psalm 120:7). There is a difference between David and those who sought to kill him. They wanted him dead because they "were for war", not because "it takes two to fight." Quit making this completely unbiblical statement. It simply isn't true.
2. When we hear of pornography use, we say, "Are you satisfying him in bed?" This one astounds me. Everyone listen up: Pornography and marital sexuality are as different as night and day, dark and light, good and evil. One is an expression of our one flesh intimacy, an act of love and mutual dignity and honor. The other is assault. A man who assaults doesn't learn how not to assault by being taught to assault his wife instead. Just stop. Porn is death, murder, darkness. It isn't "sex with the wrong person." It is as far as from the love of marriage as death is from life. Just stop. Now read Ephesians 5 again-from the beginning, not just the "submit" part. Fornicators need Christ and repentance, not a "porn-star wife." Sheesh.
3. (Similar to 3) We hear of a man committing adultery, and assume it is because the wife isn't loving him enough. This comes from a horrible interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7. If you want to know what it really means, you can listen here. But, again, adultery is not simply sex with the wrong person. It is death, folly, madness-assault. The same applies, by the way, with the sexes reversed.
4. When we hear the cry of the soul against injustice done, and we say, "You are just bitter." Not only is this NOT the meaning of "bitter" in Scripture, the hatred of sin and the cry for justice is NOT sinful. It is what it means to be in God's image. Jesus will not come in justice because he is bitter, but because he is just. We long for that day. We long to see our enemies destroyed, and justice reign. It is what Psalm 72 is all about. The promise of the kingdom is NOT that we should quit being "bitter" but that Christ will come with justice and righteousness in his hands. This is how we learn to put off anger, wrath and malice. Not by pretending that injustice is OK. You can learn more here.
5. When someone is weeping, we assume that they are trying to manipulate us. Very common, but again, contrary to Scripture. I am so glad that Jesus doesn't treat us like that. Paul said to "weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15). Can someone show the passage that says, "Beware of those who weepeth, for they are seeking to manipulate thee." ? Compassion with wisdom can only be taught b the Holy Spirit.
6. We automatically assume that depression is a sin. Depression is sometimes medical-an imbalance of chemicals. Counselors, learn the signs of depression and get people to medical help if needed. But sometimes, our sighs and tears are just the proper response to living in a cursed world, far from the shores of the celestial city. We aren't home yet, and sometimes that makes us sigh and weep.
7. We make the same assumptions with every medical condition we don't want to deal with. Chronic illness? Just laziness. Bipolar? Just rebellion. ADHD? Just a scam. Tourette's? Just looking for attention. They could stop if they wanted to. This one makes me want to scream at people.
8. We assume that every problem that anyone can have can be fixed if we just find the right thing to rebuke them for.
And so we have turned into the most heartless bunch. Cruel, unkind, uncaring, fools. Heaping burdens of shame on those who come to us for help. It is no wonder that people won't see pastors for guidance anymore. We forgot how to be compassionate. We look for the simple fix, when maybe we just need to listen, to stop and hear, to offer a kind word. Maybe point someone to Christ, who sweat great drops of blood, who was afraid, who wept at the tomb of Lazarus-KNOWING that he was about to raise him from the dead.
Weeping doesn't mean I don't believe the promise; fear doesn't mean I'm not trusting God; sadness doesn't mean I am unthankful. These things mean I am human, just like my Lord. And He came to redeem this flesh and this blood. He suffered with every infirmity, and was without sin, to redeem me, my body and soul. The day will come when every tear will be dried, but that day is not today.
So excuse me if I weep now and then. Don't mind me if I get afraid sometimes. Don't sing "joy, joy, joy" at me when the infirmities of the flesh are sometimes too much to bear. Yes, I know that God is good. Yes, I know that He is coming again. Yes, I know that all things work together, and so on. But right now I'm sad. If all you can say is "All things work together for good!", then just go away.
These are some of my thoughts today. What are yours? What is the worst thing you've heard? It seems like I am missing some. I expect this blog will be continued...
From My Only Comfort website
The most damaging counseling mistakes
This could also be called, "Lessons from Ignaz Semmelwies." He was a fascinating man. He was the first one to suggest that doctors wash their hands between patients. He was ridiculed and soundly mocked, put down, and outcast for it. Everyone knew that sickness came from spirits, bad air, bad joojoo, or God's curse. What did handwashing have to do with it? He's just being worldly. There have got to be Bible verses about the evils of medicine. Isn't it "trusting in man" or something like that?
I used to think the same way. I was taught that anything learned about counseling from a (hushed gasp) secular counselor, or, the most shocking of all, the psychologist (!) was just one step away from inviting the devil to dinner. I heard of a sermon where the pastor said that anyone who goes to a psychologist is denying Christ and the sufficiency of Scripture. Stupid hand-washers!
I say this to my shame, for I used to believe and counsel the same way, and have since repented of my ungodly, unbiblical attitude.
If we will put aside our pride and listen to the voice of simplicity, and just "wash our hands" we will learn from our mistakes and quit killing the souls of those who come to us for help.
Here are the biggest mistakes we still make-soul killers-in no particular order. By the way, for you "nouthetic" people out there, each one of these mistakes is a mistake because it contradicts Scripture, not because unbelievers say they are wrong. I agree with you that Scripture alone is our only guide. So let's hear what it says. So here is my list. I suspect there will be more to come.
1. We say, "It takes two to ruin a marriage." Or "It takes two to fight." No. The Bible nowhere teaches this. Abel didn't cause Cain to sin. David didn't provoke Saul. Jesus didn't provoke Judas. Joseph wasn't to blame for his slavery. Stephen didn't cause his stoning. And on and on. In fact, David said, "I am for peace, but when I speak they are for war." (Psalm 120:7). There is a difference between David and those who sought to kill him. They wanted him dead because they "were for war", not because "it takes two to fight." Quit making this completely unbiblical statement. It simply isn't true.
2. When we hear of pornography use, we say, "Are you satisfying him in bed?" This one astounds me. Everyone listen up: Pornography and marital sexuality are as different as night and day, dark and light, good and evil. One is an expression of our one flesh intimacy, an act of love and mutual dignity and honor. The other is assault. A man who assaults doesn't learn how not to assault by being taught to assault his wife instead. Just stop. Porn is death, murder, darkness. It isn't "sex with the wrong person." It is as far as from the love of marriage as death is from life. Just stop. Now read Ephesians 5 again-from the beginning, not just the "submit" part. Fornicators need Christ and repentance, not a "porn-star wife." Sheesh.
3. (Similar to 3) We hear of a man committing adultery, and assume it is because the wife isn't loving him enough. This comes from a horrible interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7. If you want to know what it really means, you can listen here. But, again, adultery is not simply sex with the wrong person. It is death, folly, madness-assault. The same applies, by the way, with the sexes reversed.
4. When we hear the cry of the soul against injustice done, and we say, "You are just bitter." Not only is this NOT the meaning of "bitter" in Scripture, the hatred of sin and the cry for justice is NOT sinful. It is what it means to be in God's image. Jesus will not come in justice because he is bitter, but because he is just. We long for that day. We long to see our enemies destroyed, and justice reign. It is what Psalm 72 is all about. The promise of the kingdom is NOT that we should quit being "bitter" but that Christ will come with justice and righteousness in his hands. This is how we learn to put off anger, wrath and malice. Not by pretending that injustice is OK. You can learn more here.
5. When someone is weeping, we assume that they are trying to manipulate us. Very common, but again, contrary to Scripture. I am so glad that Jesus doesn't treat us like that. Paul said to "weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15). Can someone show the passage that says, "Beware of those who weepeth, for they are seeking to manipulate thee." ? Compassion with wisdom can only be taught b the Holy Spirit.
6. We automatically assume that depression is a sin. Depression is sometimes medical-an imbalance of chemicals. Counselors, learn the signs of depression and get people to medical help if needed. But sometimes, our sighs and tears are just the proper response to living in a cursed world, far from the shores of the celestial city. We aren't home yet, and sometimes that makes us sigh and weep.
7. We make the same assumptions with every medical condition we don't want to deal with. Chronic illness? Just laziness. Bipolar? Just rebellion. ADHD? Just a scam. Tourette's? Just looking for attention. They could stop if they wanted to. This one makes me want to scream at people.
8. We assume that every problem that anyone can have can be fixed if we just find the right thing to rebuke them for.
And so we have turned into the most heartless bunch. Cruel, unkind, uncaring, fools. Heaping burdens of shame on those who come to us for help. It is no wonder that people won't see pastors for guidance anymore. We forgot how to be compassionate. We look for the simple fix, when maybe we just need to listen, to stop and hear, to offer a kind word. Maybe point someone to Christ, who sweat great drops of blood, who was afraid, who wept at the tomb of Lazarus-KNOWING that he was about to raise him from the dead.
Weeping doesn't mean I don't believe the promise; fear doesn't mean I'm not trusting God; sadness doesn't mean I am unthankful. These things mean I am human, just like my Lord. And He came to redeem this flesh and this blood. He suffered with every infirmity, and was without sin, to redeem me, my body and soul. The day will come when every tear will be dried, but that day is not today.
So excuse me if I weep now and then. Don't mind me if I get afraid sometimes. Don't sing "joy, joy, joy" at me when the infirmities of the flesh are sometimes too much to bear. Yes, I know that God is good. Yes, I know that He is coming again. Yes, I know that all things work together, and so on. But right now I'm sad. If all you can say is "All things work together for good!", then just go away.
These are some of my thoughts today. What are yours? What is the worst thing you've heard? It seems like I am missing some. I expect this blog will be continued...
Friday, September 14, 2018
Church-mom
From Flying Free Facebook page
Can We Talk About Church-Mom Culture?
by Katie Alicea
After I became a mother five years ago, it became really hard to feel like I fit in at church. Church-mom culture (CMC) is a very active subculture that pervades churches world-wide. Being a part of CMC basically takes the mom-guilt most of us already feel and adds in some God-guilt for good measure. I have learned by attending mom groups at church that there are a lot of assumptions that every woman feels the same way about God and has the same "right" perspective. I heard a lot of "as we all already know," and "of course you have all read this," and "Everyone knows this part of the Bible means this" and "We all know____is a sin," and so on.
And on top of all that are even more assumptions and judgments about how you should discipline your children, where, when, and how you should feed your babies and children, how you should view modern medicine and science, where your children should go to school, how you should decide to give birth, how you should feel about being a mother, how you should view women's role in leadership in the church, how you should view your role as a wife, and last, but certainly not least how much you should love watching other people's children in the church nursery.
Are you exhausted yet? You can really feel should-on in that kind of environment.
I came to my Christian faith just over 12 years ago shortly after leaving a decade-long abusive relationship. Desperate to leave the life I had been living far behind me, I quickly began attending a church. Much to my relief, the church community seemed to immediately embrace me in my broken state and welcome me in. I was overwhelmed with invitations to every potluck, event, or group hang-out. After a few short months, I was at the church any time the doors were open. All of my close friends, who by then felt like family because of all the time we spent together, were a part of my church. Since living the life of a "good Christian girl" was all new to me, I made sure to observe everyone around me and study what others did so I could do it too. Every compliment about how godly I had become or how well I was understanding the Word of God fueled the part of me that wanted so badly to be accepted, respected, and loved.
In order to keep the compliments and praise coming, any part of myself that didn't fit in with my church community died a swift death without pomp or circumstance.
I needed the life I lived before, where I was disappointing people with all my screw ups, to be gone forever. If a part of myself felt doubt or questioned anything, I told it to hush because I couldn't trust my feelings. I needed others to tell me how to be and the church is the perfect place to find that kind of direction.
Things went great for about a year or so, but then everything started to change. The questions and doubts I tried to chase away kept coming back. The parts of my personality I tried to kill off rose from the dead and decided they weren't going away. I felt broken. I tried going to a different church. And then another one. And another one after that, but my "otherness" kept following me.
All the churches I attended over the years have been different from each other in some ways, but what has remained the same in all of them is this unhealthy part of church culture which requires at least some degree of assimilation in order to be invited into or remain in the "inner circle."
If you weren't in the inner circle, then you were a project-a person to "help."
I was told "all are welcome" in church. Over and over again I saw it on church signs, bulletins, and church websites, and heard it out of the mouths of pastors and parishoners alike. But what I was realizing is that while the invitation is genuine, it comes with a caveat-a caveat no one says out loud and most likely don't even know they are participating in.
The caveat is this: Anyone is welcome to attend church as long as they understand they are expected to assimilate to church culture (both within that church and also within the larger church) and change in ways that have little or nothing to do with the kind of holy change we are called to that grows us in healthy ways all while allowing us to be ourselves. (That kind of god-directed change doesn't have a timeline and doesn't use guilt or shame.)
I finally had a realization that I had left one unhealthy relationship where someone was telling me how to be, what to do, and how to think, and moved on to another one. All of the pressure to conform and the lack of desire (and truly, inability) to do so forced me to figure out ways to be a woman and mom of faith who wants friendship and community, but doesn't want to participate in or be crushed by the church-mom culture works.
The first thing I did was begin to trust myself. When something didn't feel right to me or I felt hurt, I began to speak up. The more I trusted myself, the more confidence I gained to be who I was created to be all along. And the more myself I became, the closer I felt to God.
The next thing I did was expand my friendships and community to include others outside the church. This may sound obvious, but I had to ask myself honestly if I was really open to people who weren't a part of, and were not going to be a part of, my church. When I became more mindful about this, I was able to create some of the deepest and richest relationships I've ever had, both inside and outside of the church, with people from all religions, cultures, races, orientations, and ages. The more diverse my community becomes, the more clearly I see God and the more I understand myself.
Unhealthy church culture tells us we need to be fearful of surrounding ourselves with people, ideals, and beliefs different from our own because it will pull us away from God, but I have found out first hand this is just not true. When Jesus tells us to love God and love our neighbor as we love ourselves, he didn't say our neighbor sitting next to us in the pew. Loving others as opposed to tolerating others is what we are called to do.
And finally, I have allowed myself to feel the hurt and pain that comes from being a part of an unhealthy church culture. I feel the anger and I don't allow the idea that anger is wrong to push it down. Once I felt the anger, I am able to use those feelings to fuel my desire to speak up and advocate for church reform. Changing culture can take a long time, but the more we push against these things which were created by man and not God, the faster they will shift. Allowing ourselves time to mourn and express our disillusionment with the church is not unholy or without grace. Unhealthy church culture demands we rush through or completely dismiss the anger and pain to immediately forgive and show grace. But that's not how forgiveness and grace work. In order to truly change unhealthy church culture to actually be inclusive for everyone it is going to take a church that is willing to truly listen, believe, understand, change, be open and vulnerable, then rinse and repeat.'
As women and mothers we need to be willing to trust ourselves and know the difference between the kind of change all humans are called in order to make us the best versions of ourselves, and the kind of change others put on us for their own agenda or comfort. We can't control anyone but ourselves, so when we find that our needs aren't being met or we aren't feeling welcome at church, we need to speak up and say something. If things don't improve, it's okay to leave. It really is. There is so much love available out there in this wild world, we just have to be courageous enough to seek it.
Can We Talk About Church-Mom Culture?
by Katie Alicea
After I became a mother five years ago, it became really hard to feel like I fit in at church. Church-mom culture (CMC) is a very active subculture that pervades churches world-wide. Being a part of CMC basically takes the mom-guilt most of us already feel and adds in some God-guilt for good measure. I have learned by attending mom groups at church that there are a lot of assumptions that every woman feels the same way about God and has the same "right" perspective. I heard a lot of "as we all already know," and "of course you have all read this," and "Everyone knows this part of the Bible means this" and "We all know____is a sin," and so on.
And on top of all that are even more assumptions and judgments about how you should discipline your children, where, when, and how you should feed your babies and children, how you should view modern medicine and science, where your children should go to school, how you should decide to give birth, how you should feel about being a mother, how you should view women's role in leadership in the church, how you should view your role as a wife, and last, but certainly not least how much you should love watching other people's children in the church nursery.
Are you exhausted yet? You can really feel should-on in that kind of environment.
I came to my Christian faith just over 12 years ago shortly after leaving a decade-long abusive relationship. Desperate to leave the life I had been living far behind me, I quickly began attending a church. Much to my relief, the church community seemed to immediately embrace me in my broken state and welcome me in. I was overwhelmed with invitations to every potluck, event, or group hang-out. After a few short months, I was at the church any time the doors were open. All of my close friends, who by then felt like family because of all the time we spent together, were a part of my church. Since living the life of a "good Christian girl" was all new to me, I made sure to observe everyone around me and study what others did so I could do it too. Every compliment about how godly I had become or how well I was understanding the Word of God fueled the part of me that wanted so badly to be accepted, respected, and loved.
In order to keep the compliments and praise coming, any part of myself that didn't fit in with my church community died a swift death without pomp or circumstance.
I needed the life I lived before, where I was disappointing people with all my screw ups, to be gone forever. If a part of myself felt doubt or questioned anything, I told it to hush because I couldn't trust my feelings. I needed others to tell me how to be and the church is the perfect place to find that kind of direction.
Things went great for about a year or so, but then everything started to change. The questions and doubts I tried to chase away kept coming back. The parts of my personality I tried to kill off rose from the dead and decided they weren't going away. I felt broken. I tried going to a different church. And then another one. And another one after that, but my "otherness" kept following me.
All the churches I attended over the years have been different from each other in some ways, but what has remained the same in all of them is this unhealthy part of church culture which requires at least some degree of assimilation in order to be invited into or remain in the "inner circle."
If you weren't in the inner circle, then you were a project-a person to "help."
I was told "all are welcome" in church. Over and over again I saw it on church signs, bulletins, and church websites, and heard it out of the mouths of pastors and parishoners alike. But what I was realizing is that while the invitation is genuine, it comes with a caveat-a caveat no one says out loud and most likely don't even know they are participating in.
The caveat is this: Anyone is welcome to attend church as long as they understand they are expected to assimilate to church culture (both within that church and also within the larger church) and change in ways that have little or nothing to do with the kind of holy change we are called to that grows us in healthy ways all while allowing us to be ourselves. (That kind of god-directed change doesn't have a timeline and doesn't use guilt or shame.)
I finally had a realization that I had left one unhealthy relationship where someone was telling me how to be, what to do, and how to think, and moved on to another one. All of the pressure to conform and the lack of desire (and truly, inability) to do so forced me to figure out ways to be a woman and mom of faith who wants friendship and community, but doesn't want to participate in or be crushed by the church-mom culture works.
The first thing I did was begin to trust myself. When something didn't feel right to me or I felt hurt, I began to speak up. The more I trusted myself, the more confidence I gained to be who I was created to be all along. And the more myself I became, the closer I felt to God.
The next thing I did was expand my friendships and community to include others outside the church. This may sound obvious, but I had to ask myself honestly if I was really open to people who weren't a part of, and were not going to be a part of, my church. When I became more mindful about this, I was able to create some of the deepest and richest relationships I've ever had, both inside and outside of the church, with people from all religions, cultures, races, orientations, and ages. The more diverse my community becomes, the more clearly I see God and the more I understand myself.
Unhealthy church culture tells us we need to be fearful of surrounding ourselves with people, ideals, and beliefs different from our own because it will pull us away from God, but I have found out first hand this is just not true. When Jesus tells us to love God and love our neighbor as we love ourselves, he didn't say our neighbor sitting next to us in the pew. Loving others as opposed to tolerating others is what we are called to do.
And finally, I have allowed myself to feel the hurt and pain that comes from being a part of an unhealthy church culture. I feel the anger and I don't allow the idea that anger is wrong to push it down. Once I felt the anger, I am able to use those feelings to fuel my desire to speak up and advocate for church reform. Changing culture can take a long time, but the more we push against these things which were created by man and not God, the faster they will shift. Allowing ourselves time to mourn and express our disillusionment with the church is not unholy or without grace. Unhealthy church culture demands we rush through or completely dismiss the anger and pain to immediately forgive and show grace. But that's not how forgiveness and grace work. In order to truly change unhealthy church culture to actually be inclusive for everyone it is going to take a church that is willing to truly listen, believe, understand, change, be open and vulnerable, then rinse and repeat.'
As women and mothers we need to be willing to trust ourselves and know the difference between the kind of change all humans are called in order to make us the best versions of ourselves, and the kind of change others put on us for their own agenda or comfort. We can't control anyone but ourselves, so when we find that our needs aren't being met or we aren't feeling welcome at church, we need to speak up and say something. If things don't improve, it's okay to leave. It really is. There is so much love available out there in this wild world, we just have to be courageous enough to seek it.
Unity through humility
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Philippians 2:1-2
Unity Through Humility
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Philippians 2:1-2
Unity Through Humility
Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Don't confess?
From Flying Free FB page
Don't Confess Your Sins?
by Chris Moles
How Counseling Victims to Confess Their Sin Emboldens Abusers
Last week in our support group for survivors of domestic abuse, one of the participants approached me after class to tell me about a counseling session she had with a biblical counselor at her church a few days earlier. This dear lady is living with a very harsh husband who constantly berates her. He tells her how worthless he thinks she is regularly, so she went to counseling in hopes of finding a way to have peace in the midst of a very destructive marriage. Her counselor rightly told her that the only person she can change is herself, and then began to help her uncover her sins and shortcomings as a wife. The focus was on the marriage, and in the end, my friend left with a popular book on how to be a godly wife. As she relayed the story tears came to her eyes. She explained how she had spent years trying to be a better wife, and looking at her own sin, but that only seemed to worsen her husband's sense of entitlement.
My friend also told me about the many counseling sessions she and her husband had attended together over the years, and how the counsel in those sessions was nearly always the same. Somehow she was made to feel responsible for her husband's sin. If she would just be more submissive, more "quiet and gentle," and more loving maybe her husband would be won without a word. She was always encouraged to look at her own sin, and never to keep a record of the wrongs done to her. For over 2 decades that is what she has done, but things have only gotten worse.
In joint counseling sessions, her husband usually listened very intently to all the instructions given to her, as well as her confessions of missing the mark in the relationship. It actually seemed those counseling sessions gave him ammunition when they got back home. The counselors had merely confirmed his beliefs about her incompetence as a wife, and proven that he needed to take a stronger hand in leadership. The truth is that their counselors had probably confronted his sin as well, but he simply chose to ignore those parts of the sessions. Besides, he was able to get his wife to freely admit to more than her fair share of the blame, so it was easy to turn the main focus of most sessions to that.
Abusive people are skilled at diverting the focus of counseling to less important issues. They also love to find counselors who will focus on marital roles rather than heart issues. Counselors who encourage wives to submit and yield to their husband's leadership can cause great harm. In all my years of working as an advocate, I've never seen a situation where submitting to mistreatment saved a a marriage. Usually, it has the opposite effect. It only serves to empower and embolden hearts that are filled with pride, while victims are left taking on the burden for the entire relationship.
No matter if the counseling is balanced, and equally focused on both spouses' sin, an abusive person will only hear instructions aimed at his or her spouse. As a result, even the best marital counselors will find themselves doing more harm than good. They may not see it in a session where the offending spouse is nodding his head in approval, and acting extremely motivated for change. However, things change once the couple gets back home, and the abuser begins to taunt his spouse using the advice of the counselor. When it comes to abusive and destructive relationships, marital counseling just doesn't work. Instead, it usually makes matters worse-particularly counsel that focuses on the victim's sin in front of an oppressive spouse.* If you're living in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to steer clear of joint marital counseling that puts the burden of the relationship and the abuse on you.
Let me just say that I am a Biblical counselor! I believe in the sufficiency of Scripture, and acknowledge that sin is the root cause of the overwhelming majority of problems we see in counseling. However, as an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse, I've seen a very troubling trend when it comes to our counseling strategies in cases of abuse. We've been taught that we need to get to the root sin issues with our clients, and rightly so. The problem occurs when we fail to recognize clear patterns of oppression that are nearly always present in cases of abuse. When we put couples in the same room for marital counseling and ask victims to confess their sins to their oppressors, we are arming their abusers. God's heart is for the weak and afflicted, and he opposes proud oppressors (Zec. 7:10, Ps. 72:4, Ps. 82:3-4). May he give us wisdom to do the same?
"How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked? Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Ps. 82:2-4
*Of course, victims are not without sin, but when we encourage confession of sin in front of an abuser we merely feed both spouses' faulty assumptions that the victim's sin caused the abuse. In my years of counseling, I'd have to say the victims' sin is rarely what counselors assume-it's not provoking the abuse! More likely, it is being ruled by "fear of man." Counsel that puts burden for the abuse on the victim is not only ineffective, but extremely harmful.
(Credit for this article also given to Joy Forrest)
Don't Confess Your Sins?
by Chris Moles
How Counseling Victims to Confess Their Sin Emboldens Abusers
Last week in our support group for survivors of domestic abuse, one of the participants approached me after class to tell me about a counseling session she had with a biblical counselor at her church a few days earlier. This dear lady is living with a very harsh husband who constantly berates her. He tells her how worthless he thinks she is regularly, so she went to counseling in hopes of finding a way to have peace in the midst of a very destructive marriage. Her counselor rightly told her that the only person she can change is herself, and then began to help her uncover her sins and shortcomings as a wife. The focus was on the marriage, and in the end, my friend left with a popular book on how to be a godly wife. As she relayed the story tears came to her eyes. She explained how she had spent years trying to be a better wife, and looking at her own sin, but that only seemed to worsen her husband's sense of entitlement.
My friend also told me about the many counseling sessions she and her husband had attended together over the years, and how the counsel in those sessions was nearly always the same. Somehow she was made to feel responsible for her husband's sin. If she would just be more submissive, more "quiet and gentle," and more loving maybe her husband would be won without a word. She was always encouraged to look at her own sin, and never to keep a record of the wrongs done to her. For over 2 decades that is what she has done, but things have only gotten worse.
In joint counseling sessions, her husband usually listened very intently to all the instructions given to her, as well as her confessions of missing the mark in the relationship. It actually seemed those counseling sessions gave him ammunition when they got back home. The counselors had merely confirmed his beliefs about her incompetence as a wife, and proven that he needed to take a stronger hand in leadership. The truth is that their counselors had probably confronted his sin as well, but he simply chose to ignore those parts of the sessions. Besides, he was able to get his wife to freely admit to more than her fair share of the blame, so it was easy to turn the main focus of most sessions to that.
Abusive people are skilled at diverting the focus of counseling to less important issues. They also love to find counselors who will focus on marital roles rather than heart issues. Counselors who encourage wives to submit and yield to their husband's leadership can cause great harm. In all my years of working as an advocate, I've never seen a situation where submitting to mistreatment saved a a marriage. Usually, it has the opposite effect. It only serves to empower and embolden hearts that are filled with pride, while victims are left taking on the burden for the entire relationship.
No matter if the counseling is balanced, and equally focused on both spouses' sin, an abusive person will only hear instructions aimed at his or her spouse. As a result, even the best marital counselors will find themselves doing more harm than good. They may not see it in a session where the offending spouse is nodding his head in approval, and acting extremely motivated for change. However, things change once the couple gets back home, and the abuser begins to taunt his spouse using the advice of the counselor. When it comes to abusive and destructive relationships, marital counseling just doesn't work. Instead, it usually makes matters worse-particularly counsel that focuses on the victim's sin in front of an oppressive spouse.* If you're living in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to steer clear of joint marital counseling that puts the burden of the relationship and the abuse on you.
Let me just say that I am a Biblical counselor! I believe in the sufficiency of Scripture, and acknowledge that sin is the root cause of the overwhelming majority of problems we see in counseling. However, as an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse, I've seen a very troubling trend when it comes to our counseling strategies in cases of abuse. We've been taught that we need to get to the root sin issues with our clients, and rightly so. The problem occurs when we fail to recognize clear patterns of oppression that are nearly always present in cases of abuse. When we put couples in the same room for marital counseling and ask victims to confess their sins to their oppressors, we are arming their abusers. God's heart is for the weak and afflicted, and he opposes proud oppressors (Zec. 7:10, Ps. 72:4, Ps. 82:3-4). May he give us wisdom to do the same?
"How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked? Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Ps. 82:2-4
*Of course, victims are not without sin, but when we encourage confession of sin in front of an abuser we merely feed both spouses' faulty assumptions that the victim's sin caused the abuse. In my years of counseling, I'd have to say the victims' sin is rarely what counselors assume-it's not provoking the abuse! More likely, it is being ruled by "fear of man." Counsel that puts burden for the abuse on the victim is not only ineffective, but extremely harmful.
(Credit for this article also given to Joy Forrest)
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Blind eye
On Flying Free FB page
God Doesn't Turn a Blind Eye to Abuse-Neither Should the Church
by Russell Moore
Sometimes Christians speak of being "pro-family" and having "strong family values" as though this would be, to everyone, a positive picture of Christianity. For many, though, the idea of "family" is terrifying. Many people have found their deepest suffering, even profound trauma, at the hands of family members.
One woman who had been through profound suffering at the hands of her stepfather told me she didn't think she could ever be a Christian, and the cross is the reason why. She heard the gospel preached, about the account of Jesus crying out, "Forgive them Father, they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34). If this is Christianity, she told me, she wanted nothing to do with it. She knew what she had experienced, and she couldn't simply wave that away as though it were nothing.
I understand what she meant. If I thought that were the gospel, I wouldn't believe it either. But it's not.
God's Wrath against Abuse
Many throughout the centuries have sought to protect the reputation of God by downplaying his wrath. To some degree, the impulse here is good, because many have a false view of God as an angry, sullen, punitive deity, not as the God of overflowing love Jesus revealed to us. God's wrath isn't a temper tantrum. On the other hand, those who point us away from the wrath of God do so at the peril of eclipsing God's own revelation of himself as holy and just, the One who "does not leave the guilty unpunished" (Ex. 34:7). At the cross, the apostle Paul wrote, God "condemned sin in the flesh" (Rom.8:3). This is important for us to know, especially those who survived awful things.
The skeptical woman I talked to was right in her intuitions. She wasn't vengeful. She knew, though, that someone would cover over what would happen to her is someone unjust. God agrees with her. He embedded in our consciences the understanding that the one who "justifies the wicked" is evil, as is the one who "condemns the righteous" (Prov. 17:5). Indeed, a major obstacle to belief in God is precisely what this woman senses: the fear that many acts of horrifying injustice get covered over and are never brought to justice. That ought to trouble us even more than it does. Our innate sense of justice, and disposition to oppose injustice, is part of our most basic humanity, not due to the fall but due to our creation in God's image. This is true even of those who would claim to be horrified by the idea of a wrathful God.
"At the cross, God's wrath and God's love come together; they don't cancel one another out."
The Civil War-era song "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" is direct with biblical imagery of God "trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored" and wielding a "terrible, swift sword" against the evil of slavery. The Americans singing the song were reminding themselves that slavery wasn't merely a matter of regional conflict, but of moral accountability-an accountability that would have begged for resolution even if the war hadn't succeeded.
Likewise, the civil rights movement grounded its nonviolent resistance to Jim Crow wickedness in the same terms, with Martin Luther King Jr. denouncing the violence of the Alabama police forces: "We will leave them standing before their God and the world splattered with the blood and reeking with the stench of our Negro brothers." He was pointing to a judgment seat where evil is held to account. He was saying what, in the same era, the folk-singer Odetta would sing to the terrorist forces of the Ku Klux Klan: "You may run on for a long time, but, let me tell you: God Almighty's going to cut you down."
All of this is grounded in the Scriptures themselves, both Old and New Testaments-God doesn't turn a blind eye to evil. If anything, the cross reaffirms that justice. Sadly, this hurt woman's view of the gospel probably came from professing Christians who wrongly represent God as she described. To our shame, many do this especially as it relates to the most hidden, and most horrifying, acts of physical or psychic horror against defenseless children. How many times have we heard of silence against some shocking act of abuse of a child or a spouse or someone else being covered over by religious people, sometimes even churches, because the predator is "forgiven by the blood of Christ"?
This sort of cheap grace isn't the good news of Jesus Christ.
"Wherever there's the abuse of the powerless by those in power over them, the church should demand accountability."
Wherever there's the abuse of the powerless by those in power over them, the churches should demand accountability. Where such misdeeds are violations of the civil law, the church should immediately alert those with the commission, given by God, to "carry out God's wrath on wrongdoers" (Rom. 13:4)-that is, the civil authorities. Moreover, the church should do everything possible to see to it that predators don't use the spiritual cover of Christ's name to commit their horrors. That includes the disclosure of any potential act of harm, and diligent cooperation with investigative bodies any time there is the suspicion of harm to a child or a spouse or anyone else.
Even as we do so, we know there are people walking about, maybe even in our own pews, who assume that because they were never caught in their physical or sexual or psychological abuse that means they've escaped accountability. We should remind such people that there's "nothing hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light" (Luke 8:17)-if not in this life, then in the one to come.
At the cross, God's wrath and God's love come together. They don't cancel one another out.
God Doesn't Turn a Blind Eye to Abuse-Neither Should the Church
by Russell Moore
Sometimes Christians speak of being "pro-family" and having "strong family values" as though this would be, to everyone, a positive picture of Christianity. For many, though, the idea of "family" is terrifying. Many people have found their deepest suffering, even profound trauma, at the hands of family members.
One woman who had been through profound suffering at the hands of her stepfather told me she didn't think she could ever be a Christian, and the cross is the reason why. She heard the gospel preached, about the account of Jesus crying out, "Forgive them Father, they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34). If this is Christianity, she told me, she wanted nothing to do with it. She knew what she had experienced, and she couldn't simply wave that away as though it were nothing.
I understand what she meant. If I thought that were the gospel, I wouldn't believe it either. But it's not.
God's Wrath against Abuse
Many throughout the centuries have sought to protect the reputation of God by downplaying his wrath. To some degree, the impulse here is good, because many have a false view of God as an angry, sullen, punitive deity, not as the God of overflowing love Jesus revealed to us. God's wrath isn't a temper tantrum. On the other hand, those who point us away from the wrath of God do so at the peril of eclipsing God's own revelation of himself as holy and just, the One who "does not leave the guilty unpunished" (Ex. 34:7). At the cross, the apostle Paul wrote, God "condemned sin in the flesh" (Rom.8:3). This is important for us to know, especially those who survived awful things.
The skeptical woman I talked to was right in her intuitions. She wasn't vengeful. She knew, though, that someone would cover over what would happen to her is someone unjust. God agrees with her. He embedded in our consciences the understanding that the one who "justifies the wicked" is evil, as is the one who "condemns the righteous" (Prov. 17:5). Indeed, a major obstacle to belief in God is precisely what this woman senses: the fear that many acts of horrifying injustice get covered over and are never brought to justice. That ought to trouble us even more than it does. Our innate sense of justice, and disposition to oppose injustice, is part of our most basic humanity, not due to the fall but due to our creation in God's image. This is true even of those who would claim to be horrified by the idea of a wrathful God.
"At the cross, God's wrath and God's love come together; they don't cancel one another out."
The Civil War-era song "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" is direct with biblical imagery of God "trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored" and wielding a "terrible, swift sword" against the evil of slavery. The Americans singing the song were reminding themselves that slavery wasn't merely a matter of regional conflict, but of moral accountability-an accountability that would have begged for resolution even if the war hadn't succeeded.
Likewise, the civil rights movement grounded its nonviolent resistance to Jim Crow wickedness in the same terms, with Martin Luther King Jr. denouncing the violence of the Alabama police forces: "We will leave them standing before their God and the world splattered with the blood and reeking with the stench of our Negro brothers." He was pointing to a judgment seat where evil is held to account. He was saying what, in the same era, the folk-singer Odetta would sing to the terrorist forces of the Ku Klux Klan: "You may run on for a long time, but, let me tell you: God Almighty's going to cut you down."
All of this is grounded in the Scriptures themselves, both Old and New Testaments-God doesn't turn a blind eye to evil. If anything, the cross reaffirms that justice. Sadly, this hurt woman's view of the gospel probably came from professing Christians who wrongly represent God as she described. To our shame, many do this especially as it relates to the most hidden, and most horrifying, acts of physical or psychic horror against defenseless children. How many times have we heard of silence against some shocking act of abuse of a child or a spouse or someone else being covered over by religious people, sometimes even churches, because the predator is "forgiven by the blood of Christ"?
This sort of cheap grace isn't the good news of Jesus Christ.
"Wherever there's the abuse of the powerless by those in power over them, the church should demand accountability."
Wherever there's the abuse of the powerless by those in power over them, the churches should demand accountability. Where such misdeeds are violations of the civil law, the church should immediately alert those with the commission, given by God, to "carry out God's wrath on wrongdoers" (Rom. 13:4)-that is, the civil authorities. Moreover, the church should do everything possible to see to it that predators don't use the spiritual cover of Christ's name to commit their horrors. That includes the disclosure of any potential act of harm, and diligent cooperation with investigative bodies any time there is the suspicion of harm to a child or a spouse or anyone else.
Even as we do so, we know there are people walking about, maybe even in our own pews, who assume that because they were never caught in their physical or sexual or psychological abuse that means they've escaped accountability. We should remind such people that there's "nothing hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light" (Luke 8:17)-if not in this life, then in the one to come.
At the cross, God's wrath and God's love come together. They don't cancel one another out.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Forgive and forget
From Here's the Joy by Rebecca Davis
How to handle those "forgive and forget" Scriptures
Occasionally I've talked with friends who have feared they haven't really forgiven the person who harmed them. "I keep thinking about the harm," she might say. "It keeps hurting. So that makes me think I haven't really forgiven."
It's not only a common feeling, but also a common accusation.
"You're still talking about that? You must not have forgiven. You must just be bitter."
After all, forgive and forget.
If you've forgiven, they say, then you will put it behind you and never speak of it again and never bring it back into your memory.
There are some Scriptures that are used to back up this assertion. So let's see what they are, because I passionately believe it's important to know and follow God's Word.
1. Top verse, Hebrews 8:12. The Lord is speaking: For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins so more.
If the Lord will forgive, they say, them His children should definitely follow Him in this same kind of forgiveness. After all, we do want to be like Him, right?
2. Almost-top verse. Philippians 3:13b-14. Paul is speaking, but most people would just assume that the first-person pronoun refers to the reader. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
The past is the past, right? (Of course it is, just like "sin is sin.") So since the past is the past, the argument goes, bringing and (past) incident up again acts like it's in the present. Which is obviously a no-no, because we're supposed to forget everything that's behind. Get it?
3. Big one: 1 Corinthians 13:5d Love keeps no record of wrongs.
It's important that you read this one in the NIV, because other versions don't translate it that way. (But this teaching appears to have become so engrained in the Christian culture that many people don't even know that.)
So, the argument goes, if you keep a record of wrongs-such as writing down a list of the ways the unsafe person manipulated you, lied to you, belittled you, betrayed you, and physically harmed you-then it's proof that you're bitter and vengeful and obviously unforgiving.
These are the main three Scriptures, I believe, that are used to guilt people into thinking that it's a sin to talk about the harm inflicted on them. (If there are other verses so used, we can discuss them in the comments.)
But of course these Scriptures need to be examined more closely, with context and word meanings.
1. Hebrews 8, in describing how the New Covenant is better than the Old, quotes from the Old Testament Scripture Jeremiah 31, which refers to a new covenant coming in "those days" (the days of the book of Hebrews), in which the Lord says,
I will put my laws in their minds,
and write them on their hearts,
and I will be their God,
and they shall be my people.
And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor
and each one his brother, saying, "Know the Lord,"
for they shall know me,
from the least of them to the greatest.
This is the context in which the Lord then declares:
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities,
and I will remember them no more.
There is a changed heart there, a changed heart wrought by the Lord Himself. He will remember the sins no more of the people He has transformed.
This Scripture, in fact, does show us exactly how to follow the Lord in "remembering sin no more."
It does not consist of refusing to think about the harm an unsafe person has done.
It does not consist of receiving flowery words and promises, which many harmful people are very good at delivering.
But rather it comes in seeing a transformed life, when the offender has repented and been truly changed by the power of God, showing long-term fruits of repentance. When the life transformed by the power of Jesus Christ is shown over the course of time (some have recommended more than two years in some cases, to demonstrate that the change isn't faked), when the offender is willing to acknowledge the harm done (and if it is a crime, to receive just consequences), then reconciliation can take place, which is different from forgiveness.
Does that mean the one who was victimized has forgotten the offenses?
That's unlikely but not really even a part of the equation. It only means that in spite of the offenses, a new life can begin. The offended one then won't bring the offenses willingly to mind ("remember" them) and won't continue talking about them (except to draw the contrast between the old and the new). Because why would she? A whole new life has begun.
2. I sure do hate it when Scriptures are taken out of context. The context of Philippians 3 is Paul's list of earthly accomplishments followed by his declaration that those earthly accomplishments have no power to accomplish his righteousness, which is all found in Jesus Christ.
This discussion has nothing to do with dealing with the harm others have caused you in the past. Nothing. Elsewhere Paul does talk about the harm others have caused him in the past (such as in 2 Timothy 4:14-18 or 2 Timothy 4:10), so it's quite clear he's willing to recount these "past" things.
The beauty of Philippians 3, that all our righteousness is in Christ and none of our righteousness is in any of our works (even forgiveness!) is truth that none of us can afford to miss. Don't let people confuse you into thinking it's talking about anything other than that.
3. The NIV has troubled me before with its misleading translations (one of which I talked about in this post) and "love keeps no record of wrongs" is another example.
The "love keeps no record of wrongs" verse is translated in the King James "thinketh no evil" and in the ESV "is not...resentful."
About this verse snippet, Robertson's Word Pictures says:
Taketh no account of evil...Old verb from logos, to count up, to take account of as in a ledger or notebook...with a view to settling the account.
That is, another way to say this would be "love doesn't want to retaliate or seek retribution," NOT the way the NIV translation is interpreted as "love ignores evil behavior."
It's actually preposterous and often very dangerous to think that if a friend of yours loves a harmful person, he or she should ignore the harmful things being done. Sometimes writing down the harm that has taken place (a "record," if you will) can be a step toward actually saving a person's life. Even though love will not want to retaliate, love dare not ignore evil behavior,
There are many examples in Scripture of the people of God refusing to ignore evil behavior and getting themselves to a safe place, even without retaliating. David would be one prime example- a man who over and over in the psalms kept a record of wrongs that had been done against him by his enemies, even those who pretended to be his friends.
So how would I advise a friend who is struggling with feeling like she can't forgive because she hasn't forgotten?
When no crime was involved in the pain an offender caused, I might say, "Look, you're willing for the person who hurt you to go his way without ever repaying the (metaphorical or actual) debt he left you with, and you hope the best for him, right? (Such as, you hope he'll come to the Lord and repentance.)
It's very common for one who has been harmed to respond positively to this question.
I might say, "But look at your arm. Metaphorically speaking, do you see the huge infected wound on your arm from the harm he inflicted on you? Do you see that you still need to get help for that? It still needs to be tended, to receive salve, sometimes to have infected places dug out, which will be painful. If it's not tended, it can become gangrenous. While it's healing, you're not going to be able to use your arm for a pretty long time. In fact, you may never regain full use of it."
Imagine then that the people of God to look at the huge wound on her arm and say, "You're still talking about that? You must not have forgiven. You must just be bitter. After all, forgive and forget."
This would either be very ignorant of how the body works, or in fact downright cruel.
But even if fellow Christians are ignorant or cruel, the person who has been wounded needs to understand that dealing with her wound does not indicate lack of forgiveness! In fact, her very life depends on recognizing and dealing with it.
In a case in which a crime has been committed against the person asking about forgiveness, well, I just have to say I am continually stunned at how many crimes in this very country of mine, which I love, go unreported, or if reported, ignored, while the victim of the crime is blamed for it.
As crimes continue to be allowed more and more in a civil society, the powerful will increase in their terror while those they terrorize will increase in suffering. (We've certainly seen this in corrupt nations like Columbia.)
Is it unforgiving to say that? What a ridiculous notion. It is simply longing for the justice that produces a safe society. Our God is a God of justice, and He expects His people to be a people of justice.
In the case of crimes, "forgive and forget" increases the danger in our society.
The only case in which "forgive and forget" even remotely approaches anything true is in the case of genuine repentance, not just in words, but in a transformed life.
That, after all, is what Christianity is all about.
How to handle those "forgive and forget" Scriptures
Occasionally I've talked with friends who have feared they haven't really forgiven the person who harmed them. "I keep thinking about the harm," she might say. "It keeps hurting. So that makes me think I haven't really forgiven."
It's not only a common feeling, but also a common accusation.
"You're still talking about that? You must not have forgiven. You must just be bitter."
After all, forgive and forget.
If you've forgiven, they say, then you will put it behind you and never speak of it again and never bring it back into your memory.
There are some Scriptures that are used to back up this assertion. So let's see what they are, because I passionately believe it's important to know and follow God's Word.
1. Top verse, Hebrews 8:12. The Lord is speaking: For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins so more.
If the Lord will forgive, they say, them His children should definitely follow Him in this same kind of forgiveness. After all, we do want to be like Him, right?
2. Almost-top verse. Philippians 3:13b-14. Paul is speaking, but most people would just assume that the first-person pronoun refers to the reader. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
The past is the past, right? (Of course it is, just like "sin is sin.") So since the past is the past, the argument goes, bringing and (past) incident up again acts like it's in the present. Which is obviously a no-no, because we're supposed to forget everything that's behind. Get it?
3. Big one: 1 Corinthians 13:5d Love keeps no record of wrongs.
It's important that you read this one in the NIV, because other versions don't translate it that way. (But this teaching appears to have become so engrained in the Christian culture that many people don't even know that.)
So, the argument goes, if you keep a record of wrongs-such as writing down a list of the ways the unsafe person manipulated you, lied to you, belittled you, betrayed you, and physically harmed you-then it's proof that you're bitter and vengeful and obviously unforgiving.
These are the main three Scriptures, I believe, that are used to guilt people into thinking that it's a sin to talk about the harm inflicted on them. (If there are other verses so used, we can discuss them in the comments.)
But of course these Scriptures need to be examined more closely, with context and word meanings.
1. Hebrews 8, in describing how the New Covenant is better than the Old, quotes from the Old Testament Scripture Jeremiah 31, which refers to a new covenant coming in "those days" (the days of the book of Hebrews), in which the Lord says,
I will put my laws in their minds,
and write them on their hearts,
and I will be their God,
and they shall be my people.
And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor
and each one his brother, saying, "Know the Lord,"
for they shall know me,
from the least of them to the greatest.
This is the context in which the Lord then declares:
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities,
and I will remember them no more.
There is a changed heart there, a changed heart wrought by the Lord Himself. He will remember the sins no more of the people He has transformed.
This Scripture, in fact, does show us exactly how to follow the Lord in "remembering sin no more."
It does not consist of refusing to think about the harm an unsafe person has done.
It does not consist of receiving flowery words and promises, which many harmful people are very good at delivering.
But rather it comes in seeing a transformed life, when the offender has repented and been truly changed by the power of God, showing long-term fruits of repentance. When the life transformed by the power of Jesus Christ is shown over the course of time (some have recommended more than two years in some cases, to demonstrate that the change isn't faked), when the offender is willing to acknowledge the harm done (and if it is a crime, to receive just consequences), then reconciliation can take place, which is different from forgiveness.
Does that mean the one who was victimized has forgotten the offenses?
That's unlikely but not really even a part of the equation. It only means that in spite of the offenses, a new life can begin. The offended one then won't bring the offenses willingly to mind ("remember" them) and won't continue talking about them (except to draw the contrast between the old and the new). Because why would she? A whole new life has begun.
2. I sure do hate it when Scriptures are taken out of context. The context of Philippians 3 is Paul's list of earthly accomplishments followed by his declaration that those earthly accomplishments have no power to accomplish his righteousness, which is all found in Jesus Christ.
This discussion has nothing to do with dealing with the harm others have caused you in the past. Nothing. Elsewhere Paul does talk about the harm others have caused him in the past (such as in 2 Timothy 4:14-18 or 2 Timothy 4:10), so it's quite clear he's willing to recount these "past" things.
The beauty of Philippians 3, that all our righteousness is in Christ and none of our righteousness is in any of our works (even forgiveness!) is truth that none of us can afford to miss. Don't let people confuse you into thinking it's talking about anything other than that.
3. The NIV has troubled me before with its misleading translations (one of which I talked about in this post) and "love keeps no record of wrongs" is another example.
The "love keeps no record of wrongs" verse is translated in the King James "thinketh no evil" and in the ESV "is not...resentful."
About this verse snippet, Robertson's Word Pictures says:
Taketh no account of evil...Old verb from logos, to count up, to take account of as in a ledger or notebook...with a view to settling the account.
That is, another way to say this would be "love doesn't want to retaliate or seek retribution," NOT the way the NIV translation is interpreted as "love ignores evil behavior."
It's actually preposterous and often very dangerous to think that if a friend of yours loves a harmful person, he or she should ignore the harmful things being done. Sometimes writing down the harm that has taken place (a "record," if you will) can be a step toward actually saving a person's life. Even though love will not want to retaliate, love dare not ignore evil behavior,
There are many examples in Scripture of the people of God refusing to ignore evil behavior and getting themselves to a safe place, even without retaliating. David would be one prime example- a man who over and over in the psalms kept a record of wrongs that had been done against him by his enemies, even those who pretended to be his friends.
So how would I advise a friend who is struggling with feeling like she can't forgive because she hasn't forgotten?
When no crime was involved in the pain an offender caused, I might say, "Look, you're willing for the person who hurt you to go his way without ever repaying the (metaphorical or actual) debt he left you with, and you hope the best for him, right? (Such as, you hope he'll come to the Lord and repentance.)
It's very common for one who has been harmed to respond positively to this question.
I might say, "But look at your arm. Metaphorically speaking, do you see the huge infected wound on your arm from the harm he inflicted on you? Do you see that you still need to get help for that? It still needs to be tended, to receive salve, sometimes to have infected places dug out, which will be painful. If it's not tended, it can become gangrenous. While it's healing, you're not going to be able to use your arm for a pretty long time. In fact, you may never regain full use of it."
Imagine then that the people of God to look at the huge wound on her arm and say, "You're still talking about that? You must not have forgiven. You must just be bitter. After all, forgive and forget."
This would either be very ignorant of how the body works, or in fact downright cruel.
But even if fellow Christians are ignorant or cruel, the person who has been wounded needs to understand that dealing with her wound does not indicate lack of forgiveness! In fact, her very life depends on recognizing and dealing with it.
In a case in which a crime has been committed against the person asking about forgiveness, well, I just have to say I am continually stunned at how many crimes in this very country of mine, which I love, go unreported, or if reported, ignored, while the victim of the crime is blamed for it.
As crimes continue to be allowed more and more in a civil society, the powerful will increase in their terror while those they terrorize will increase in suffering. (We've certainly seen this in corrupt nations like Columbia.)
Is it unforgiving to say that? What a ridiculous notion. It is simply longing for the justice that produces a safe society. Our God is a God of justice, and He expects His people to be a people of justice.
In the case of crimes, "forgive and forget" increases the danger in our society.
The only case in which "forgive and forget" even remotely approaches anything true is in the case of genuine repentance, not just in words, but in a transformed life.
That, after all, is what Christianity is all about.
No digging up the past
On Flying Free FB page today
Here's the Joy by Rebecca Davis
"Very present," in the person of our great Savior, the Lord Jesus, who cries out, "Come, thirsty soul, and drink! And then find that you become a spring for my Living Water."
No "digging up the past" allowed" : a response to nouthetic ("Biblical") counseling
(Side note: I heard this many times in counseling with Pastor Matt and comments from Dad)
Sometimes I deal with people who want healing and help from the Lord but are hesitant to "dig up the past" or who have counselors who don't want them to "dig up the past." For a while now, maybe over a year, I've been mulling over that pejorative expression.
"Digging up the past" to me conjures up a picture of going to a graveyard to dig up the bones or even the rotting corpse of something that needed to be left underground to decompose the way it's supposed to. A perverted and possibly very harmful activity.
This was my own mindset for many years. Years ago when someone who was struggling wanted me to mentor her, I remember thinking, "We won't go back to childhood stuff. That's just psychobabble."
Jay Adams, founder of nouthetic counseling, now known as "Biblical counseling," would agree. In a blog post in which he blames Freud with introducing the concept of "digging up the past" in order to find the source of people's problems, Adams asserts that it isn't Biblical or even possible to do so. He says it is "unnecessary, unproductive, and harmful." (Like digging up a decomposed body.)
The only times a nouthetic ("Biblical") counselor should "deal with" the past, Adams says, is when the past is in the present. I would agree, but the way Adams sees it and the way I now perceive it are different. He says the past has become the present when...
(1) the counselee needs to repent of a sin he committed in the past, or
(2) if something happened to the counselee in the past, such as abuse, that he didn't leave in the past so that it is now governing his present. Then the nouthetic ("Biblical") counselor needs to help him put it back in the past where it belongs. Nouthetic ("Biblical") counselors, he says, "encourage counselees to look to the past only to remember God's goodness to them in past times."
Only to repent of sin or to be rebuked for not "leaving" it in the past. What a handy tool this can be for abusers. Their victims, according to nouthetic ("Biblical") counseling, cannot bring up the past. If they do, they are in the wrong.
Don't dig up the past, they say, when it comes to a promise someone has made to change. Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church and member of the Gospel Coalition, advised married couples never to "dig up the past" to each other. Effectively this will mean that husbands and wives should never mention the past to each other. In the lives of many people who have spoken with me, this teaching has proven more than problematic, as an abusive or adulterous spouse begins to repeat old patterns, but the victimized one is not allowed to show that this behavior indicates a lack of repentance from the past abuses/adulteries. As one counselor told a friend, "He may have abused you in the past, but we need to see how you can move on from here." The abused wife might say, "But this is just like the pattern you promised me you would never repeat again..." and the husband can say, "There you go, digging up the past again."
Don't dig up the past, they say, when it comes to addressing extreme harm someone has done.
I know from personal experience talking with sexual abuse survivors who have been counseled with nouthetic counseling, especially those from the fundamentalist world of Bob Jones University, that the way nouthetic counselors help their counselees leave the past behind and put the past in the past is to
(1) urge them to forgive and
(2) tell them to put the past in the past, rebuking them for continuing to have flashbacks and nightmares, telling them that these rememberings mean they haven't forgiven. (After all, forgive and forget.) Since the Bible doesn't mention flashbacks and nightmares in regard to memories, they apparently reason, neither should they in counseling.
But as brain science has progressed over the course of the decades, books like The Body Keeps the Score and What Have We Done? have detailed the effects of trauma and "moral injury" on the souls and spirits of those who have endured unspeakable horrors.
Should we ignore these effects simple because the Bible doesn't mention "flashbacks" or "dissociation" or other terms that have come into the language by way of study of the brain and mind?
I talk with many people who struggle with their concept of God, often because their abuser was their father or their pastor or another authority figure who should have protected them. Often they believe they have forgiven, but they still struggle. Why? Is it simply because they need to memorize the Scripture and make themselves believe it, the way nouthetic counselors would teach?
In reply to someone who recently expressed hesitation at "digging up" old memories of trauma, I suggested that we see it in a different way. Rather than picturing the body in the graveyard (she admitted that was how she thought of it), I asked her to think of it as taking care of an old wound that had scabbed over but was infected underneath. There is some "digging" that has to be done, but it's to get out the infection. In the case of traumatic memories, it's to find the lies that are attached to the trauma-lies about God, self, and the world-and by the power of the Holy Spirit replace them with His truth.
So maybe we can put aside the expression "digging up the past," and instead use a non-pejorative expression like "dealing with" the past. But unlike what Jay Adams laid out, when you're struggling with the past, you won't look only for sin or lack of forgiveness in your life.
You can also, first of all, legitimately see a pattern in the life of someone who is harming you or others...and you shouldn't feel guilty for noting it. (Regarding "love keeps no record of wrongs"..)
And you can also understand the legitimate need for finding the embedded lies from past trauma and replacing them with the sound truth of God, gently, in the power of His Spirit.
We want to look to the past to remember God's goodness to us, for sure. But that is by far not the only reason to look to the past.
Dealing with the past is important, even crucial, in the life of probably every single person who walks the earth. Finding healing from a shattered heart and truly learning the truth about God, self, and the world, as it pertains to our life experiences-which have all happened in the past-is something everyone needs.
Every counselor who wants to counsel with the full body of Scripture will be deeply familiar with the promise of our Lord Jesus in Luke 4 when He quoted from the prophet Isaiah:
The spirit of the Lord is upon me; he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressors, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to him.
You can freely come to Jesus Christ and open up your past to Him. He is about far more than getting you to repent of sin and forgive. He wants to heal. He wants to gently give you truth. And He wants to set things right.
That's good news.
Here's the Joy by Rebecca Davis
"Very present," in the person of our great Savior, the Lord Jesus, who cries out, "Come, thirsty soul, and drink! And then find that you become a spring for my Living Water."
No "digging up the past" allowed" : a response to nouthetic ("Biblical") counseling
(Side note: I heard this many times in counseling with Pastor Matt and comments from Dad)
Sometimes I deal with people who want healing and help from the Lord but are hesitant to "dig up the past" or who have counselors who don't want them to "dig up the past." For a while now, maybe over a year, I've been mulling over that pejorative expression.
"Digging up the past" to me conjures up a picture of going to a graveyard to dig up the bones or even the rotting corpse of something that needed to be left underground to decompose the way it's supposed to. A perverted and possibly very harmful activity.
This was my own mindset for many years. Years ago when someone who was struggling wanted me to mentor her, I remember thinking, "We won't go back to childhood stuff. That's just psychobabble."
Jay Adams, founder of nouthetic counseling, now known as "Biblical counseling," would agree. In a blog post in which he blames Freud with introducing the concept of "digging up the past" in order to find the source of people's problems, Adams asserts that it isn't Biblical or even possible to do so. He says it is "unnecessary, unproductive, and harmful." (Like digging up a decomposed body.)
The only times a nouthetic ("Biblical") counselor should "deal with" the past, Adams says, is when the past is in the present. I would agree, but the way Adams sees it and the way I now perceive it are different. He says the past has become the present when...
(1) the counselee needs to repent of a sin he committed in the past, or
(2) if something happened to the counselee in the past, such as abuse, that he didn't leave in the past so that it is now governing his present. Then the nouthetic ("Biblical") counselor needs to help him put it back in the past where it belongs. Nouthetic ("Biblical") counselors, he says, "encourage counselees to look to the past only to remember God's goodness to them in past times."
Only to repent of sin or to be rebuked for not "leaving" it in the past. What a handy tool this can be for abusers. Their victims, according to nouthetic ("Biblical") counseling, cannot bring up the past. If they do, they are in the wrong.
Don't dig up the past, they say, when it comes to a promise someone has made to change. Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church and member of the Gospel Coalition, advised married couples never to "dig up the past" to each other. Effectively this will mean that husbands and wives should never mention the past to each other. In the lives of many people who have spoken with me, this teaching has proven more than problematic, as an abusive or adulterous spouse begins to repeat old patterns, but the victimized one is not allowed to show that this behavior indicates a lack of repentance from the past abuses/adulteries. As one counselor told a friend, "He may have abused you in the past, but we need to see how you can move on from here." The abused wife might say, "But this is just like the pattern you promised me you would never repeat again..." and the husband can say, "There you go, digging up the past again."
Don't dig up the past, they say, when it comes to addressing extreme harm someone has done.
I know from personal experience talking with sexual abuse survivors who have been counseled with nouthetic counseling, especially those from the fundamentalist world of Bob Jones University, that the way nouthetic counselors help their counselees leave the past behind and put the past in the past is to
(1) urge them to forgive and
(2) tell them to put the past in the past, rebuking them for continuing to have flashbacks and nightmares, telling them that these rememberings mean they haven't forgiven. (After all, forgive and forget.) Since the Bible doesn't mention flashbacks and nightmares in regard to memories, they apparently reason, neither should they in counseling.
But as brain science has progressed over the course of the decades, books like The Body Keeps the Score and What Have We Done? have detailed the effects of trauma and "moral injury" on the souls and spirits of those who have endured unspeakable horrors.
Should we ignore these effects simple because the Bible doesn't mention "flashbacks" or "dissociation" or other terms that have come into the language by way of study of the brain and mind?
I talk with many people who struggle with their concept of God, often because their abuser was their father or their pastor or another authority figure who should have protected them. Often they believe they have forgiven, but they still struggle. Why? Is it simply because they need to memorize the Scripture and make themselves believe it, the way nouthetic counselors would teach?
In reply to someone who recently expressed hesitation at "digging up" old memories of trauma, I suggested that we see it in a different way. Rather than picturing the body in the graveyard (she admitted that was how she thought of it), I asked her to think of it as taking care of an old wound that had scabbed over but was infected underneath. There is some "digging" that has to be done, but it's to get out the infection. In the case of traumatic memories, it's to find the lies that are attached to the trauma-lies about God, self, and the world-and by the power of the Holy Spirit replace them with His truth.
So maybe we can put aside the expression "digging up the past," and instead use a non-pejorative expression like "dealing with" the past. But unlike what Jay Adams laid out, when you're struggling with the past, you won't look only for sin or lack of forgiveness in your life.
You can also, first of all, legitimately see a pattern in the life of someone who is harming you or others...and you shouldn't feel guilty for noting it. (Regarding "love keeps no record of wrongs"..)
And you can also understand the legitimate need for finding the embedded lies from past trauma and replacing them with the sound truth of God, gently, in the power of His Spirit.
We want to look to the past to remember God's goodness to us, for sure. But that is by far not the only reason to look to the past.
Dealing with the past is important, even crucial, in the life of probably every single person who walks the earth. Finding healing from a shattered heart and truly learning the truth about God, self, and the world, as it pertains to our life experiences-which have all happened in the past-is something everyone needs.
Every counselor who wants to counsel with the full body of Scripture will be deeply familiar with the promise of our Lord Jesus in Luke 4 when He quoted from the prophet Isaiah:
The spirit of the Lord is upon me; he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressors, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to him.
You can freely come to Jesus Christ and open up your past to Him. He is about far more than getting you to repent of sin and forgive. He wants to heal. He wants to gently give you truth. And He wants to set things right.
That's good news.
Destruction of our faith
From Flying Free
Misogyny is the root of patriarchy. Patriarchy leads to abuse. Abuse leads to the destruction of our faith. And that's why I'm in this fight until I die.
Misogyny is the root of patriarchy. Patriarchy leads to abuse. Abuse leads to the destruction of our faith. And that's why I'm in this fight until I die.
Not random
From Toby Mac
You may not see it at the time, but God knows what He is doing.
It's not random.
It is part of His plan.
(The picture with this quote was of the center line on a road. I felt this was significant.)
You may not see it at the time, but God knows what He is doing.
It's not random.
It is part of His plan.
(The picture with this quote was of the center line on a road. I felt this was significant.)
Who made you smile
It doesn't matter who hurt you or broke you down
What matters is who made you smile again
What matters is who made you smile again
Get over
By Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
You will not get over the loss of a loved one; and you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.
(I think I've seen this added to the end of this before: "Nor would you ever want to.")
You will not get over the loss of a loved one; and you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.
(I think I've seen this added to the end of this before: "Nor would you ever want to.")
God the Help
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 12:1-2
God the Help of Those Who Seek Him. A Song of Ascents.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
Psalm 12:1-2
God the Help of Those Who Seek Him. A Song of Ascents.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
Monday, September 10, 2018
Pain of your past
By Toby Mac
The strength for your next season will come from the pain of your past.
Yes, your pain has a purpose.
The strength for your next season will come from the pain of your past.
Yes, your pain has a purpose.
Truth in love
From Mark Hall, Casting Crowns
People will listen when you speak truth in love. Especially after your acts show you love them.
People will listen when you speak truth in love. Especially after your acts show you love them.
Everything okay
By Me
I can't be so dependent on things turning out a certain way.
I just have to know that since You're there, everything is going to be okay.
I can't be so dependent on things turning out a certain way.
I just have to know that since You're there, everything is going to be okay.
A million women
I know there are a million women out there who look better than me, which is why I make sure I have more to offer than just my appearance.
Never left
I realized I was thinking of you, and I began to wonder how long you'd been on my mind. Then it occurred to me: Since I met you, you've never left.
Someday someone
Someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you've always wanted.
Done to them
Nothing annoys me more than when someone expects you to be okay with something that they wouldn't be okay with if it was done to them.
Woke up different
I think I've recorded this before, but worth repeating
She woke up different.
Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn't have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn't bring her peace. She realized that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking, and loyalty wasn't a word but a lifestyle. It was this day that her life changed. And not because of a man or a job but because she realized that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.
She woke up different.
Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn't have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn't bring her peace. She realized that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking, and loyalty wasn't a word but a lifestyle. It was this day that her life changed. And not because of a man or a job but because she realized that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.
Friendship
By C.S. Lewis
Friendship is born when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
Friendship is born when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
When you die
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
What Will Happen When You Die?
What will happen when you die? Scripture reveals some intriguing assurances! Jesus said to the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise" (Luke 23:43). "Today," Christ promised. No delay. No pause.
The thief closed his eyes on earth and awoke in paradise. The soul of the believer journeys home while the body of the believer awaits the resurrection. Paradise is the first stage of heaven. But it's not the final version of heaven. The final age will begin when Christ returns on the final day. He who created us will collect us. Scripture says "The Lord who scattered his people, will gather them!" (Jeremiah 31:10). Just as a seed becomes a plant, our fleshly body will become a spiritual body. This is God's promise to you. And because God's promises are unbreakable our hope is unshakable!
What Will Happen When You Die?
What will happen when you die? Scripture reveals some intriguing assurances! Jesus said to the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise" (Luke 23:43). "Today," Christ promised. No delay. No pause.
The thief closed his eyes on earth and awoke in paradise. The soul of the believer journeys home while the body of the believer awaits the resurrection. Paradise is the first stage of heaven. But it's not the final version of heaven. The final age will begin when Christ returns on the final day. He who created us will collect us. Scripture says "The Lord who scattered his people, will gather them!" (Jeremiah 31:10). Just as a seed becomes a plant, our fleshly body will become a spiritual body. This is God's promise to you. And because God's promises are unbreakable our hope is unshakable!
Uprightness
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 143:10
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.
Psalm 143:10
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.
Old age
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Isaiah 46:4
Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
Isaiah 46:4
Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
Friday, September 7, 2018
Personal growth
From Flying Free
Any personal growth that comes after abuse is a testimony to the strength of the survivor.
Shannon Thomas
Any personal growth that comes after abuse is a testimony to the strength of the survivor.
Shannon Thomas