From A.W. Tozer
We can't walk with the Holy Ghost unless we agree to walk the way He walks and go in the direction He is going.
I started this blog soon after the death of my beautiful 17-year-old son, Hayden, as a way to deal with my grief. I titled it "Dear Hayden" because at first I wrote as if I was writing to him. My use of the word "dear" ended up being twofold: "used as an affectionate or friendly form of address" and "regarded with deep affection; cherished by someone." Many posts are saved quotes, song lyrics, Bible verses, poems, etc. with credit given to the actual authors as much as possible. Enjoy~
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Vibes
From S. McNutt
She doesn't just let anyone in, she only vibes with certain people. For her, the vibes tell her how to manuever.
She doesn't just let anyone in, she only vibes with certain people. For her, the vibes tell her how to manuever.
Cultivate humility
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Cultivate Humility
God loves humility. Could that be the reason he offers so many tips on cultivating it? May I (...ahem) humbly articulate a few? If you want to be humble:
Assess yourself honestly.
Don't take success too seriously.
Celebrate the significance of others.
Don't demand your own parking space.
Never announce your success before it occurs.
Speak humbly.
One last thought to foster humility-Live at the foot of the cross.
Paul said in Galatians 6:14, "The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging!" Do you feel a need for affirmation? Does your self-esteem need attention? You don't need to drop names or show off. You need only to pause at the base of the cross and be reminded of this! The Maker of the stars would rather die for you than live without you. And that's a fact. So, if you need to brag...brag about that!
Cultivate Humility
God loves humility. Could that be the reason he offers so many tips on cultivating it? May I (...ahem) humbly articulate a few? If you want to be humble:
Assess yourself honestly.
Don't take success too seriously.
Celebrate the significance of others.
Don't demand your own parking space.
Never announce your success before it occurs.
Speak humbly.
One last thought to foster humility-Live at the foot of the cross.
Paul said in Galatians 6:14, "The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging!" Do you feel a need for affirmation? Does your self-esteem need attention? You don't need to drop names or show off. You need only to pause at the base of the cross and be reminded of this! The Maker of the stars would rather die for you than live without you. And that's a fact. So, if you need to brag...brag about that!
You are here
In today's headlines on annarbor.com:
"Street art project #NotACrime to feature Detroit poet Robert Hayden"
Right after I noticed this, the Lifehouse song, From Where You Are came on. I sent a picture of the headline to K and ONJ's Twist of Fate came one, which he texted some lyrics from a few weeks ago.
Also, Cinema Paradiso by Josh Groban is always on. The title makes me think of you since part of it is Cinema. I need you so much this week-thank you! Love you!
"Street art project #NotACrime to feature Detroit poet Robert Hayden"
Right after I noticed this, the Lifehouse song, From Where You Are came on. I sent a picture of the headline to K and ONJ's Twist of Fate came one, which he texted some lyrics from a few weeks ago.
Also, Cinema Paradiso by Josh Groban is always on. The title makes me think of you since part of it is Cinema. I need you so much this week-thank you! Love you!
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Take care of yourself
From Oprah
I encourage you to take care of yourself. Love yourself, because only people who love themselves have enough love to give to the rest of the world.
I encourage you to take care of yourself. Love yourself, because only people who love themselves have enough love to give to the rest of the world.
Put down
Sometimes God's blessings are not in what He gives, but in what He takes away. Stop trying to pick up what God told you to put down.
Capacity
From A.W. Tozer
God desires to reveal to us that His capacity to forgive is bigger than our capacity to sin.
God desires to reveal to us that His capacity to forgive is bigger than our capacity to sin.
Your value
By Christine Caine
Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.
Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.
Monday, January 29, 2018
It's a relationship
Your relationship doesn't need to make sense to anyone, except you and your partner. It's a relationship. Not a community project.
I'm a woman
Yes, I'm a woman. I push doors that clearly say PULL...I laugh harder when I try to explain why I'm laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers in math. I hide the pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story when it's really not. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don't care about me. I try to do things before the microwave beeps. I listen to you even when you don't listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I'm a woman!
You are mine
While praying one day a woman asked, "Who are you, God?"
He answered, "I am."
"But who is, 'I am?'"she asked.
He replied, "I am love, I am peace, I am grace, I am joy,
I am strength, I am safety, I am shelter, I am power,
I am the Creator, I am the Comforter,
I am the beginning and the end.
I am the way, the truth, and the light."
With tears in her eyes she looked toward heaven
and said, "Now I understand. But, who am I?"
God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and
whispered, "You are mine."
He answered, "I am."
"But who is, 'I am?'"she asked.
He replied, "I am love, I am peace, I am grace, I am joy,
I am strength, I am safety, I am shelter, I am power,
I am the Creator, I am the Comforter,
I am the beginning and the end.
I am the way, the truth, and the light."
With tears in her eyes she looked toward heaven
and said, "Now I understand. But, who am I?"
God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and
whispered, "You are mine."
Life's messy
I was just thinking at Carter's basketball game on Saturday how messed up I was last year at this time and this came up.
From Lysa Terkeurst
Life's messy.
But it doesn't mean
we have to get messed up
in the process.
From Lysa Terkeurst
Life's messy.
But it doesn't mean
we have to get messed up
in the process.
Did not even know it
From A.W. Tozer
I rarely know where I am going in my life's journey, but I look back and see that God has been leading my every step and I did not even know it.
I rarely know where I am going in my life's journey, but I look back and see that God has been leading my every step and I did not even know it.
Too short
If you miss someone, tell them.
If you love someone, show it.
Life is too short to keep your feelings inside.
If you love someone, show it.
Life is too short to keep your feelings inside.
Without courage
Without courage we will simply accumulate a collection of good ideas and regrets.
-Andy Stanley
-Andy Stanley
Benefit of others
By Bill Johnson
The favor you've been given is not meant to benefit you; it is for the benefit of others.
The favor you've been given is not meant to benefit you; it is for the benefit of others.
Destroyed myself
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did I realize who I really was.
The best thing
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.
Ugly shoes
From Surviving the Loss Of An Older Child
I am wearing a pair of shoes, they are ugly shoes
uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think
I can take another step, yet I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are
my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them,
but once you put them on you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before
they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
(This version from sayinggoodbye.org)
I am wearing a pair of shoes, they are ugly shoes
uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think
I can take another step, yet I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are
my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them,
but once you put them on you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before
they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
(This version from sayinggoodbye.org)
Friday, January 26, 2018
Our self-esteem
By Toby Mac
Our self-esteem comes from who we are before God, not what we do before men.
Our self-esteem comes from who we are before God, not what we do before men.
For His name's sake
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
For His Name's Sake
Proverbs 16:18 reminds us as humility goes before honor, "Pride goes before a fall." Ever wonder why churches are powerful in one generation but empty the next? The Bible says, the Lord will tear down the house of the proud. God hates arrogance.
He hates it because we haven't done anything to be arrogant about. Is there a Pulitzer for ink? Can you imagine a scalpel growing smug after a successful heart transplant? Of course not. They are only tools. So are we. We may be the canvas, the paper, or the scalpel, but we are not the one who deserves the applause.
David declares who does in Psalm 23, "He makes me...He leads me...He restores my soul...For His name's sake." For His name's sake! No other name. This is all done for God's glory. He takes the credit, not because He needs it but because He knows we cannot handle it!
For His Name's Sake
Proverbs 16:18 reminds us as humility goes before honor, "Pride goes before a fall." Ever wonder why churches are powerful in one generation but empty the next? The Bible says, the Lord will tear down the house of the proud. God hates arrogance.
He hates it because we haven't done anything to be arrogant about. Is there a Pulitzer for ink? Can you imagine a scalpel growing smug after a successful heart transplant? Of course not. They are only tools. So are we. We may be the canvas, the paper, or the scalpel, but we are not the one who deserves the applause.
David declares who does in Psalm 23, "He makes me...He leads me...He restores my soul...For His name's sake." For His name's sake! No other name. This is all done for God's glory. He takes the credit, not because He needs it but because He knows we cannot handle it!
Humble yourselves
Today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
James 4:10
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord,
and He will lift you up.
James 4:10
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord,
and He will lift you up.
Liberal/legalistic
A liberal church says you are welcome here and you do not have to clean up your life.
A legalistic church says you are not welcome here until you clean up your life.
Jesus says you are welcome here and I will change your life from the inside out. John 8:11
A legalistic church says you are not welcome here until you clean up your life.
Jesus says you are welcome here and I will change your life from the inside out. John 8:11
Not one of them
From Charles H. Spurgeon
I may know all the doctrines of the Bible,
but unless I know Christ,
there is not one of them that can save me.
I may know all the doctrines of the Bible,
but unless I know Christ,
there is not one of them that can save me.
Real repentance
Legalistic remorse says,
"I broke God's rules,"
While real repentance says,
"I broke God's heart."
-Tim Keller
"I broke God's rules,"
While real repentance says,
"I broke God's heart."
-Tim Keller
Someday
From She was a rainbow, but he was color blind
Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you've never seen, they'll look at you like you're everything they've been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it.
Take care
Remember to take care of yourself. Sometimes you get so busy taking care of others that you forget that you are important too.
Intimacy
Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.
Your energy
This is fascinating. It's from the FB group, Surviving After The Loss Of An Older Child by I Am A Mother To An Angel.
If nothing else can assuage some of the fear of death, the below advice from physicist Aaron Freeman via NPR should do it:
You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed.
You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly.
If nothing else can assuage some of the fear of death, the below advice from physicist Aaron Freeman via NPR should do it:
You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed.
You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly.
Walk away
When I shut my mouth and turn to walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It simply means your stupid a** isn't worth any more of my time.
Stronger
And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair.
-Henri Nouwen
-Henri Nouwen
Hurts so much
The reason it hurts so much to separate us is because our souls are connected. -Nicholas Sparks
To you
By someone who writes a lot..."Unknown"
I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartaches, my regrets. Everything. And when we're together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you.
I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartaches, my regrets. Everything. And when we're together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you.
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Solid
She came to them solid, and strong and they broke her into pieces, breaking her till she was left in fragments, in portions. So she went through a few years lost and miserable, depressed and angry. Now she is her own universe, finding light from her dark years, creating galaxies in herself, being whole. She's born again, creating herself everyday. She's fixing the cracks in her soul, the dents left in her heart.
-Romana Rubyy
-Romana Rubyy
A relationship
By Trent Shelton
A relationship is a privilege.
not a chore.
Love should be appreciated,
not taken for granted.
A relationship is a privilege.
not a chore.
Love should be appreciated,
not taken for granted.
Dying
By Toby Mac
If you found out you were dying, would you be kinder, love more, live more?
Well, you are.
We all are.
If you found out you were dying, would you be kinder, love more, live more?
Well, you are.
We all are.
The heart of God
From A.W. Tozer
It's my prayer that the evangelical church will discover that salvation is not a lightbulb only, not an insurance policy against hell, but a gateway into God and into His heart.
It's my prayer that the evangelical church will discover that salvation is not a lightbulb only, not an insurance policy against hell, but a gateway into God and into His heart.
You always have hope
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional (excerpts)
You Always Have Hope
This isn't the end. Don't give up. There's a better place than this. And I will lead you there.
Psalm 121:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all harm-He will watch over your life."
You Always Have Hope
This isn't the end. Don't give up. There's a better place than this. And I will lead you there.
Psalm 121:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all harm-He will watch over your life."
Trust your perfect Guide
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Trust Your Perfect Guide
The story is told of a man on an African safari deep in the jungle. The guide had a machete and was whacking away the tall weeds and thick underbrush. The traveler, wearied and hot, asked in frustration, "Where are we? Do you know where you're taking me? Where is the path?" The seasoned guide stopped and looked back at the man and replied, "I am the path."
We ask the same questions, don't we? We ask God, "Where are you taking me? Where's the path?" Oh, he may give us a hint or two, but that's all. If he did give us more, would we understand? No, like the traveler, we are unacquainted with this jungle. So rather than give us an answer, He gives us a far greater gift...Jesus gives us Himself. He says it in Matthew 28:20, "I am with you always to the very end of the age." We need that reminder!
Trust Your Perfect Guide
The story is told of a man on an African safari deep in the jungle. The guide had a machete and was whacking away the tall weeds and thick underbrush. The traveler, wearied and hot, asked in frustration, "Where are we? Do you know where you're taking me? Where is the path?" The seasoned guide stopped and looked back at the man and replied, "I am the path."
We ask the same questions, don't we? We ask God, "Where are you taking me? Where's the path?" Oh, he may give us a hint or two, but that's all. If he did give us more, would we understand? No, like the traveler, we are unacquainted with this jungle. So rather than give us an answer, He gives us a far greater gift...Jesus gives us Himself. He says it in Matthew 28:20, "I am with you always to the very end of the age." We need that reminder!
Look to the source
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional (excerpts)
Look To The Source of Help
David said in Psalm 121: "I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from?" And David answers his own question,"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you, will not slumber. The Lord watches over you. The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life."
Look To The Source of Help
David said in Psalm 121: "I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from?" And David answers his own question,"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you, will not slumber. The Lord watches over you. The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life."
Meditate
Today's Bible Verse of the Day
Philippians 4:8
Meditate on These Things
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:8
Meditate on These Things
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Ocean of courage
From Luminous Light Studio
There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being. There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache. What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the wreckage of their life to build something beautiful, brand new, against every odd that is stacked against them. -Nikita Gill
There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being. There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache. What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the wreckage of their life to build something beautiful, brand new, against every odd that is stacked against them. -Nikita Gill
She
She doesn't follow the crowd and she doesn't fit the mold because being like the world is not really her goal. Her trust is in the Lord and she longs for much more than anything this world could ever have in store.
Going back
my mom once said "going back to an old relationship is like reading your favorite book and expecting a different ending to happen..."
Undeniably click
Ever meet someone & the two of you just undeniably click? No awkward stage, no anxiety, they just radiate good vibes...Yeah that's the best.
Difficult path
From Toby Mac
If your path is difficult, it is sometimes because your calling is higher.
If your path is difficult, it is sometimes because your calling is higher.
Best place
By Unknown
The best place in the world is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you at your best, but will pick you up and hug you tight at your weakest moment.
The best place in the world is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you at your best, but will pick you up and hug you tight at your weakest moment.
Walking away
By Toby Mac
Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.
Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.
Who you are
Who You Are-A Message To All Women
by Jon Jorgenson
(Listen to this, a couple times, listen to it as though God is speaking, not man)
You are beautiful, you are smart, you are funny, you are kind, you are unique.
You are worthy of LOVE and AFFECTION, you are never too much and you are always enough.
You are precious, you are a diamond, a rose, a pearl, the most stunning of all God's creations.
You are worth more than you can ever imagine.
Your worth is more than the numbers on a scale or the hair product you use or the shoes you wear.
More than how many girls wish they were you or how many guys wish they had you.
More than the price tags on your clothes or the percentage on the top of your math test or even the number of followers you have on Twitter.
Your worth surpasses ALL EARTHLY THINGS because in the eyes of the Lord God, you are LOVED.
You are worth dying for, regardless of who YOU think you are.
Whether you model in a magazine or you model pottery with grandma.
Whether you're on the hot list or the not list, whether you're head cheerleader or a high school drop out.
Whether you're Miss Popular or you never had ANYONE you can call a FRIEND.
Whether you love yourself or love your life or you can't stand to look in the mirror and you feel as if everything in your life is falling apart.
Whether you're such a winner or you feel like the world's biggest failure.
Regardless of who you think you are the reality is you deserve Someone who will give up their LIFE for you.
Because YOU are POWERFUL and STRONG and CAPABLE.
Read about the women in the Bible.
These women changed the world FOREVER.
And inside of EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU is a woman with that same POWER.
And that same STRENGTH and that SAME WORLD-CHANGING CAPABILITY and your responsibility is to find that woman and SET THAT WOMAN FREE.
This is WHO YOU ARE.
And any voices in your mind that try to tell you differently are from the ENEMY.
And the next time you hear that voice, say NOT ME SATAN. I am the daughter of the LIVING GOD.
CHERISHED, LOVED AND ADORED ABOVE ALL THINGS BY THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS FOR THE GLORY OF ALL THINGS.
I AM AWESOME.
PLEASE DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
by Jon Jorgenson
(Listen to this, a couple times, listen to it as though God is speaking, not man)
You are beautiful, you are smart, you are funny, you are kind, you are unique.
You are worthy of LOVE and AFFECTION, you are never too much and you are always enough.
You are precious, you are a diamond, a rose, a pearl, the most stunning of all God's creations.
You are worth more than you can ever imagine.
Your worth is more than the numbers on a scale or the hair product you use or the shoes you wear.
More than how many girls wish they were you or how many guys wish they had you.
More than the price tags on your clothes or the percentage on the top of your math test or even the number of followers you have on Twitter.
Your worth surpasses ALL EARTHLY THINGS because in the eyes of the Lord God, you are LOVED.
You are worth dying for, regardless of who YOU think you are.
Whether you model in a magazine or you model pottery with grandma.
Whether you're on the hot list or the not list, whether you're head cheerleader or a high school drop out.
Whether you're Miss Popular or you never had ANYONE you can call a FRIEND.
Whether you love yourself or love your life or you can't stand to look in the mirror and you feel as if everything in your life is falling apart.
Whether you're such a winner or you feel like the world's biggest failure.
Regardless of who you think you are the reality is you deserve Someone who will give up their LIFE for you.
Because YOU are POWERFUL and STRONG and CAPABLE.
Read about the women in the Bible.
These women changed the world FOREVER.
And inside of EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU is a woman with that same POWER.
And that same STRENGTH and that SAME WORLD-CHANGING CAPABILITY and your responsibility is to find that woman and SET THAT WOMAN FREE.
This is WHO YOU ARE.
And any voices in your mind that try to tell you differently are from the ENEMY.
And the next time you hear that voice, say NOT ME SATAN. I am the daughter of the LIVING GOD.
CHERISHED, LOVED AND ADORED ABOVE ALL THINGS BY THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS FOR THE GLORY OF ALL THINGS.
I AM AWESOME.
PLEASE DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Profiting from trials
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
James 1:2-3
Profiting from Trials
My brethren, count it
all joy when you
fall into various
trials, knowing that
the testing of your
faith produces patience.
James 1:2-3
Profiting from Trials
My brethren, count it
all joy when you
fall into various
trials, knowing that
the testing of your
faith produces patience.
Be not deceived
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
Galatians 6:7-8
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked;
for whatever a man sows, that he
will also reap. For he who sows to
his flesh will of the flesh reap
corruption, but he who sows to
the Spirit will of the Spirit
reap everlasting life.
Galatians 6:7-8
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked;
for whatever a man sows, that he
will also reap. For he who sows to
his flesh will of the flesh reap
corruption, but he who sows to
the Spirit will of the Spirit
reap everlasting life.
Keep asking, seeking, knocking
You know I love it when the Bible Gateway Verse of the Day has a title. Here's one
Matthew 7:7-8
Keep Asking, Seeking, Knocking
Ask and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find;
knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives,
and he who seeks finds, and to
him who knocks it will be opened.
Matthew 7:7-8
Keep Asking, Seeking, Knocking
Ask and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find;
knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives,
and he who seeks finds, and to
him who knocks it will be opened.
Holly B. article
This is an article about Holly Butcher whom I just posted about. It breaks her letter down into steps. It's by Patrick Wanis from Fox News.
1. Life is a gift and your time could be up at any moment.
"It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right. I'm 27 now. I don't want to go. I love my life. I am happy. But the control is not in my hands."
2. Your problems are tiny and often meaningless.
"Those times you are whinging about ridiculous things (something I've noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem."
3. Stop worrying about the small stuff-and when things don't go your way.
"Let all that s*** go...I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole."
4. What really matters in life are love, friends and family.
"I'm watching my body waste away before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more Birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more.
5. Being healthy doesn't equal having the body everyone else wants you to have.
"...work just as hard on finding your mental, emotional and spiritual happiness too. That way you might realise just how insignificant and unimportant having this stupidly portrayed perfect social media body really is."
6. It's true: it's more blessed to give than to receive.
"Give, give, give...It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more."
7. Material things and gifts don't create love and connection.
"This year, our family agreed to do no presents...those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could...Anyway, moral of the story-presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas..."
8. The best things in life are free.
"Get up early sometimes and listen to the birds while you watch the beautiful colours the sun makes as it rises. Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that.
9. Reassess and readjust your life's priorities.
"Work to live, don't live to work."
10. Live with joy and purpose, not fear or guilt.
"Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy. Eat the cake. Zero guilt."
11. Live for yourself; not to please others.
"Say no to things you really don't want to do."
12. Express love now-don't wait until it's too late.
"Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have."
13. You have control over your life, and no time to be miserable.
"Also, remember if something is making you miserable, you do have the power to change it-in work or love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don't know how much time you've got on this earth so don't waste it being miserable."
14. At your very last moment, you will remember the people you love.
"...a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend it here on Earth with my family, friends, and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life...'Til we meet again."
1. Life is a gift and your time could be up at any moment.
"It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right. I'm 27 now. I don't want to go. I love my life. I am happy. But the control is not in my hands."
2. Your problems are tiny and often meaningless.
"Those times you are whinging about ridiculous things (something I've noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem."
3. Stop worrying about the small stuff-and when things don't go your way.
"Let all that s*** go...I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole."
4. What really matters in life are love, friends and family.
"I'm watching my body waste away before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more Birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more.
5. Being healthy doesn't equal having the body everyone else wants you to have.
"...work just as hard on finding your mental, emotional and spiritual happiness too. That way you might realise just how insignificant and unimportant having this stupidly portrayed perfect social media body really is."
6. It's true: it's more blessed to give than to receive.
"Give, give, give...It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more."
7. Material things and gifts don't create love and connection.
"This year, our family agreed to do no presents...those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could...Anyway, moral of the story-presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas..."
8. The best things in life are free.
"Get up early sometimes and listen to the birds while you watch the beautiful colours the sun makes as it rises. Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that.
9. Reassess and readjust your life's priorities.
"Work to live, don't live to work."
10. Live with joy and purpose, not fear or guilt.
"Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy. Eat the cake. Zero guilt."
11. Live for yourself; not to please others.
"Say no to things you really don't want to do."
12. Express love now-don't wait until it's too late.
"Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have."
13. You have control over your life, and no time to be miserable.
"Also, remember if something is making you miserable, you do have the power to change it-in work or love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don't know how much time you've got on this earth so don't waste it being miserable."
14. At your very last moment, you will remember the people you love.
"...a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend it here on Earth with my family, friends, and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life...'Til we meet again."
Holly B.
This was written by someone named Holly Butcher who died at the age of 27. I am writing it just as she wrote it.
A bit of life advice from Hol:
It's a strange thing to realise and accept your mortality at 26 years young. It's just one of those things you ignore. The days tick by and you just expect they will keep on coming; Until the unexpected happens. I always imagined myself growing old, wrinkled and grey-most likely caused by the beautiful family (lots of kiddies) I planned on building with the love of my life. I want that so bad it hurts.
That's the thing about life; It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right.
I'm 27 now. I don't want to go. I love my life. I am happy...I owe that to my loved ones. But the control is out of my hands.
I haven't started this 'note before I die' so that death is feared - I like the fact that we are mostly ignorant to it's inevitability...Except when I want to talk about it and it is treated like a 'taboo' topic that will never happen to any of us..That's been a bit tough. I just want people to stop worrying so much about the small, meaningless stresses in life and try to remember that we all have the same fate after all so do what you can to make your time feel worthy and great, minus the b.s.
I have dropped lots of my thoughts below as I have had a lot of time to ponder life these last few months. Of course it's the middle of the night when these random thoughts pop into my head most!
Those times you are whinging about ridiculous things (something I have noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem. Be grateful for your minor issue and get over it. It's okay to acknowledge that something is annoying but try not to carry on about it and negatively affect other people's days.
Once you do that, get out there and take a freaking big breath of that fresh Aussie air deep in your lungs, look at how blue the sky is and how green the trees are; It is so beautiful. Think how lucky you are able to do just that-breathe.
You might have got caught in bad traffic today, or had a bad sleep because your beautiful babies kept you awake, or your hairdresser cut your hair too short. Your new fake nails might have got a chip, your boobs are too small, or you have cellulite on your arse and your belly is wobbling.
Let all that s*** go...I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole. I'm watching my body waste away right before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more Birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more.
I hear people complaining about how terrible work is or about how hard it is to exercise-Be grateful you are physically able to. Work and exercise may seem like such trivial things...until your body doesn't allow you to do either of them.
I tried to live a healthy life, in fact, that was probably my major passion. Appreciate your good health and functioning body-even if it isn't your ideal size. Look after it and embrace how amazing it is. Move it and nourish it with fresh food. Don't obsess over it.
Remember there are more aspects to good health than the physical body...work just as hard on finding your mental, emotional and spiritual happiness too. That way you may realise just how insignificant and unimportant having this stupidly portrayed perfect social media body really is...While on this topic, delete any account that pops up on your news feeds that gives you any sense of feeling s*** about yourself. Friend or not...Be ruthless for your own well-being. (I added emphasis)
Be grateful for each day you don't have pain and even the days where you are unwell with man flu, a sore back or a sprained ankle, accept it is s*** but be thankful it isn't threatening and will go away.
Whinge less, people!...And help each other more.
Give, give, give. It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more. Since I have been sick, I have met the most incredibly giving and kind people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words and support from my family, friends, and strangers; More than I could ever give in return. I will never forget this and will be forever grateful to all of these people.
It is a weird thing having money to spend at the end... when you're dying. It's not a time you go out and buy material things that you usually would, like a new dress. It makes you think how silly it is worth spending so much money on new clothes and "things" in our lives.
Buy your friend something kind instead of another dress, beauty product or jewelry for that next wedding. 1. No-one cares if you wear the same thing twice 2. It feels good. Take them out for a meal, or better yet, cook them a meal. Shout their coffee. Give/buy them a plant, a massage or a candle and tell them you love them when you give it to them.
Value other people's time. Don't keep them waiting because you are s*** at being on time. Get ready earlier if you are one of those people and appreciate that your friends want to share their time with you, not sit by themselves, waiting on a mate. You will gain respect too! Amen sister.
This year, our family agreed to do no presents and despite the tree looking rather sad and empty (I nearly cracked Christmas Eve!), it was so nice because people didn't have the pressure of shopping and the effort went into writing a nice card for each other. Plus imagine my family trying to buy me a present knowing they would probably end up with it themselves...strange! It might seem lame but those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could. Mind you, it was easier to do in our house because we had no little kiddies there. Anyway, moral of the story-presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas. Moving on.
Use your money on experiences...Or at least don't miss out on experiences because you spent all your money on material s***.
Put in the effort to do that day trip to the beach you keep putting off. Dip your feet in the water and dig your toes in the sand. Wet your face with salt water.
Get amongst nature.
Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them through the screen of your phone. Life isn't meant to be lived through a screen nor is it about getting the perfect photo...enjoy the bloody moment, people! Stop trying to capture it for everyone else.
Random rhetorical question. Are those several hours you spend doing your hair and makeup each day or to go out for one night really worth it? I've never understood this about females.
Get up early sometimes and listen to the birds while you watch the beautiful colours the sun makes as it rises.
Listen to music...really listen. Music is therapy. Old is best.
Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that.
Talk to your friends. Put down your phone. Are they doing okay?
Travel if it's your desire, don't if it's not.
Work to live, don't live to work.
Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy.
Eat the cake. Zero guilt.
Say no the things you really don't want to do.
Don't feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life...you might want a mediocre life and that is so okay.
Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.
Also, remember if something is making your miserable, you do have the power to change it-in work or love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don't know how much time you've got on this earth so don't waste it being miserable. I know that is said all the time but it couldn't be more true.
Anyway, that's just this one young gals life advice. Take it or leave it, I don't mind!
Oh and one last thing, if you can, do a good deed for humanity (and myself) and start regularly donating blood. It will make you feel good with the added bonus of saving lives. I feel like it is something that is so overlooked considering every donation can save 3 lives! That is a massive impact each person can have and the process really is so simple.
Blood donation (more bags than I could keep up with counting) helped keep me alive for an extra year-a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend it here on Earth with my family, friends and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life.
...-Til we meet again.
Hol
Xoxo
A bit of life advice from Hol:
It's a strange thing to realise and accept your mortality at 26 years young. It's just one of those things you ignore. The days tick by and you just expect they will keep on coming; Until the unexpected happens. I always imagined myself growing old, wrinkled and grey-most likely caused by the beautiful family (lots of kiddies) I planned on building with the love of my life. I want that so bad it hurts.
That's the thing about life; It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right.
I'm 27 now. I don't want to go. I love my life. I am happy...I owe that to my loved ones. But the control is out of my hands.
I haven't started this 'note before I die' so that death is feared - I like the fact that we are mostly ignorant to it's inevitability...Except when I want to talk about it and it is treated like a 'taboo' topic that will never happen to any of us..That's been a bit tough. I just want people to stop worrying so much about the small, meaningless stresses in life and try to remember that we all have the same fate after all so do what you can to make your time feel worthy and great, minus the b.s.
I have dropped lots of my thoughts below as I have had a lot of time to ponder life these last few months. Of course it's the middle of the night when these random thoughts pop into my head most!
Those times you are whinging about ridiculous things (something I have noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem. Be grateful for your minor issue and get over it. It's okay to acknowledge that something is annoying but try not to carry on about it and negatively affect other people's days.
Once you do that, get out there and take a freaking big breath of that fresh Aussie air deep in your lungs, look at how blue the sky is and how green the trees are; It is so beautiful. Think how lucky you are able to do just that-breathe.
You might have got caught in bad traffic today, or had a bad sleep because your beautiful babies kept you awake, or your hairdresser cut your hair too short. Your new fake nails might have got a chip, your boobs are too small, or you have cellulite on your arse and your belly is wobbling.
Let all that s*** go...I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole. I'm watching my body waste away right before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more Birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more.
I hear people complaining about how terrible work is or about how hard it is to exercise-Be grateful you are physically able to. Work and exercise may seem like such trivial things...until your body doesn't allow you to do either of them.
I tried to live a healthy life, in fact, that was probably my major passion. Appreciate your good health and functioning body-even if it isn't your ideal size. Look after it and embrace how amazing it is. Move it and nourish it with fresh food. Don't obsess over it.
Remember there are more aspects to good health than the physical body...work just as hard on finding your mental, emotional and spiritual happiness too. That way you may realise just how insignificant and unimportant having this stupidly portrayed perfect social media body really is...While on this topic, delete any account that pops up on your news feeds that gives you any sense of feeling s*** about yourself. Friend or not...Be ruthless for your own well-being. (I added emphasis)
Be grateful for each day you don't have pain and even the days where you are unwell with man flu, a sore back or a sprained ankle, accept it is s*** but be thankful it isn't threatening and will go away.
Whinge less, people!...And help each other more.
Give, give, give. It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more. Since I have been sick, I have met the most incredibly giving and kind people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words and support from my family, friends, and strangers; More than I could ever give in return. I will never forget this and will be forever grateful to all of these people.
It is a weird thing having money to spend at the end... when you're dying. It's not a time you go out and buy material things that you usually would, like a new dress. It makes you think how silly it is worth spending so much money on new clothes and "things" in our lives.
Buy your friend something kind instead of another dress, beauty product or jewelry for that next wedding. 1. No-one cares if you wear the same thing twice 2. It feels good. Take them out for a meal, or better yet, cook them a meal. Shout their coffee. Give/buy them a plant, a massage or a candle and tell them you love them when you give it to them.
Value other people's time. Don't keep them waiting because you are s*** at being on time. Get ready earlier if you are one of those people and appreciate that your friends want to share their time with you, not sit by themselves, waiting on a mate. You will gain respect too! Amen sister.
This year, our family agreed to do no presents and despite the tree looking rather sad and empty (I nearly cracked Christmas Eve!), it was so nice because people didn't have the pressure of shopping and the effort went into writing a nice card for each other. Plus imagine my family trying to buy me a present knowing they would probably end up with it themselves...strange! It might seem lame but those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could. Mind you, it was easier to do in our house because we had no little kiddies there. Anyway, moral of the story-presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas. Moving on.
Use your money on experiences...Or at least don't miss out on experiences because you spent all your money on material s***.
Put in the effort to do that day trip to the beach you keep putting off. Dip your feet in the water and dig your toes in the sand. Wet your face with salt water.
Get amongst nature.
Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them through the screen of your phone. Life isn't meant to be lived through a screen nor is it about getting the perfect photo...enjoy the bloody moment, people! Stop trying to capture it for everyone else.
Random rhetorical question. Are those several hours you spend doing your hair and makeup each day or to go out for one night really worth it? I've never understood this about females.
Get up early sometimes and listen to the birds while you watch the beautiful colours the sun makes as it rises.
Listen to music...really listen. Music is therapy. Old is best.
Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that.
Talk to your friends. Put down your phone. Are they doing okay?
Travel if it's your desire, don't if it's not.
Work to live, don't live to work.
Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy.
Eat the cake. Zero guilt.
Say no the things you really don't want to do.
Don't feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life...you might want a mediocre life and that is so okay.
Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.
Also, remember if something is making your miserable, you do have the power to change it-in work or love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don't know how much time you've got on this earth so don't waste it being miserable. I know that is said all the time but it couldn't be more true.
Anyway, that's just this one young gals life advice. Take it or leave it, I don't mind!
Oh and one last thing, if you can, do a good deed for humanity (and myself) and start regularly donating blood. It will make you feel good with the added bonus of saving lives. I feel like it is something that is so overlooked considering every donation can save 3 lives! That is a massive impact each person can have and the process really is so simple.
Blood donation (more bags than I could keep up with counting) helped keep me alive for an extra year-a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend it here on Earth with my family, friends and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life.
...-Til we meet again.
Hol
Xoxo
More confident
On annarbor.com today:
"More confident" Hayden Lavigne backstops Michigan to sweep over Penn State
"More confident" Hayden Lavigne backstops Michigan to sweep over Penn State
January FB post
This is what I posted for the January "month-a-versary"
<3 Hayden <3 A name I love to hear but don't hear nearly enough anymore. Time marches on, and another year is upon us, without you. I love and miss you now as much as I did on the day we lost you, actually even more.
(Six hearts-one for each letter of your name)
"Time heals all wounds."
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue
and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone.
(Six hearts)
"It's Not About Forgetting"
by Lexi Behrndt
It's not about forgetting
Or acting like the scars aren't there,
Or trying to remember your face,
Or the curve of your smile.
It's not about avoiding
The pain and the ache,
The memories I'll never hold.
The space between us.
It's about the light in your smile
Finding its way into mine.
And the fire in your eyes
Setting aflame my soul.
With love.
With compassion.
With goodness.
With hope.
It's about you.
Your legacy, your light
Your name, your memory,
And love that never dies.
You left me better.
You left me braver.
You left me kinder.
You left me with the best parts of you.
(Six hearts)
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
-Franchesca Cox
(I took a picture of the "Hayden" picture we have of the B&W photos)
<3 Hayden <3 A name I love to hear but don't hear nearly enough anymore. Time marches on, and another year is upon us, without you. I love and miss you now as much as I did on the day we lost you, actually even more.
(Six hearts-one for each letter of your name)
"Time heals all wounds."
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue
and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone.
(Six hearts)
"It's Not About Forgetting"
by Lexi Behrndt
It's not about forgetting
Or acting like the scars aren't there,
Or trying to remember your face,
Or the curve of your smile.
It's not about avoiding
The pain and the ache,
The memories I'll never hold.
The space between us.
It's about the light in your smile
Finding its way into mine.
And the fire in your eyes
Setting aflame my soul.
With love.
With compassion.
With goodness.
With hope.
It's about you.
Your legacy, your light
Your name, your memory,
And love that never dies.
You left me better.
You left me braver.
You left me kinder.
You left me with the best parts of you.
(Six hearts)
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
-Franchesca Cox
(I took a picture of the "Hayden" picture we have of the B&W photos)
Friday, January 19, 2018
S, A & D
Stress, anxiety, and depression are caused when we are living to please others.
-Paul Coelho
-Paul Coelho
Not even yourself
Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. (See title)
Because you're strong
The enemy is not fighting you because you're weak. He's fighting you because you're strong.
Healing
By Unknown
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed.
It means the damage no longer controls our lives.
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed.
It means the damage no longer controls our lives.
Chosen
God only puts us
through as much as we
can handle, so the people
who struggle the most,
have been chosen by God
to be the strongest ones.
Amen
Not every day
Not every day is a good day,
show up anyway.
Not everyone tells the truth,
trust anyway.
Not everyone will love you back,
love anyway.
Not every game will be fair,
play anyway.
It's like
THE DEATH OF A CHILD
it's like losing your breath
and never catching it again,
It's a forever panic attack
feeling your heart dying
as your soul is screaming for them
and no matter what you
try to do
you continue to lose your mind.
Strong men
From Michelle Obama
Strong men-men who are truly role models-don't need to put down women to make themselves feel powerful.
Strong men-men who are truly role models-don't need to put down women to make themselves feel powerful.
Everything you do
I know I've posted this before, but worth repeating
By A.W. Tozer
If God gives you a few more years, remember, it is not yours. Your time must honor God. Your activity must honor God, and everything you do must honor God.
Relying on God
From C.S. Lewis
Relying on God has to start all over everyday. As if nothing has yet been done.
Relying on God has to start all over everyday. As if nothing has yet been done.
Gaslighting
This term came up in the article I previously read which led to this article.
7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship
by Preston Ni, Psychology Today
"If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as the truth."
"Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others." -Paramahansa Yogananda
Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt him or herself, and ultimately lose her or his own sense of perception. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she's insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.
In its milder forms, gaslighting creates a subtle, but inequitable, power dynamic in a relationship, with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter's unreasonable, rather than fact-based, scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of mind-control and psychological abuse.
Multiple studies and writings have focused on the phenomenon of gaslighting and its destructive impact. Here are seven stages through which a pathological gaslighter dominates a victim. Depending on the situation, there may be variations in the order and the number of gaslighting stages involved.
1. Lie and Exaggerate. The gaslighter creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee ("There's something wrong and inadequate about you"), thereby putting the gaslightee on the defensive.
"My wife is a pathetic loser, and she needs to know the truth." -Anonymous husband
"The work your department does is a waste of time and resources. How do you even justify your employment?" -Anonymous manager
"I hate it when you put groceries on the checkout counter that way. I told you before I HATE IT!" -Mother to daughter at supermarket
2. Repetition. Like psychological warfare, the falsehoods are repeated constantly in order to stay on the offensive, control the conversation, and dominate the relationship.
3. Escalate when challenged. When called on their lies, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by doubling and tripling down on their attacks, refuting substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection), sowing doubt and confusion.
4. Wear Out the Victim. By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down their victim, who becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, fearful, debilitated, and self-doubting. The victim begins to question his or her own perception, identity, reality.
5. Form Codependent Relationships. The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as "excessive or psychological reliance on a partner." In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling the gaslightee by the strings. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.
6. Give False Hope. As a manipulative tactic, the gaslighter will occasionally treat the victim with mildness, moderation, and even superficial kindness or remorse, to give the gaslightee false hope. In these circumstances, the victim might think, "Maybe he's really not THAT bad," "Maybe things are going to get better," or "Let's give it a chance."
But beware! The temporary mildness is often a calculated maneuver intended to instill complacency and have the victim's guard down before the next act of gaslighting begins. With this tactic, the gaslighter also further reinforces a codependent relationship.
7. Dominate and Control. At its extreme, the ultimate objective of a pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate, and take advantage of another individual, or a group, or even an entire society. By maintaining and intensifying an incessant stream of lies and coercions, the gaslighter keeps the gaslightees in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and fear. The gaslighter can then exploit their victims at will, for the augmentation of their power and personal gain.
Definition of marginalization: treatment of a person, group, or concept as insignificant or peripheral
7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship
by Preston Ni, Psychology Today
"If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as the truth."
"Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others." -Paramahansa Yogananda
Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt him or herself, and ultimately lose her or his own sense of perception. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she's insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.
In its milder forms, gaslighting creates a subtle, but inequitable, power dynamic in a relationship, with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter's unreasonable, rather than fact-based, scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of mind-control and psychological abuse.
Multiple studies and writings have focused on the phenomenon of gaslighting and its destructive impact. Here are seven stages through which a pathological gaslighter dominates a victim. Depending on the situation, there may be variations in the order and the number of gaslighting stages involved.
1. Lie and Exaggerate. The gaslighter creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee ("There's something wrong and inadequate about you"), thereby putting the gaslightee on the defensive.
"My wife is a pathetic loser, and she needs to know the truth." -Anonymous husband
"The work your department does is a waste of time and resources. How do you even justify your employment?" -Anonymous manager
"I hate it when you put groceries on the checkout counter that way. I told you before I HATE IT!" -Mother to daughter at supermarket
2. Repetition. Like psychological warfare, the falsehoods are repeated constantly in order to stay on the offensive, control the conversation, and dominate the relationship.
3. Escalate when challenged. When called on their lies, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by doubling and tripling down on their attacks, refuting substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection), sowing doubt and confusion.
4. Wear Out the Victim. By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down their victim, who becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, fearful, debilitated, and self-doubting. The victim begins to question his or her own perception, identity, reality.
5. Form Codependent Relationships. The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as "excessive or psychological reliance on a partner." In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling the gaslightee by the strings. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.
6. Give False Hope. As a manipulative tactic, the gaslighter will occasionally treat the victim with mildness, moderation, and even superficial kindness or remorse, to give the gaslightee false hope. In these circumstances, the victim might think, "Maybe he's really not THAT bad," "Maybe things are going to get better," or "Let's give it a chance."
But beware! The temporary mildness is often a calculated maneuver intended to instill complacency and have the victim's guard down before the next act of gaslighting begins. With this tactic, the gaslighter also further reinforces a codependent relationship.
7. Dominate and Control. At its extreme, the ultimate objective of a pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate, and take advantage of another individual, or a group, or even an entire society. By maintaining and intensifying an incessant stream of lies and coercions, the gaslighter keeps the gaslightees in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and fear. The gaslighter can then exploit their victims at will, for the augmentation of their power and personal gain.
Definition of marginalization: treatment of a person, group, or concept as insignificant or peripheral
Object constancy
More on narcissism. This explains so much...
Narcissists aren't capable of something called "object constancy"-and it helps explain why they are so cruel to the people they date
When we quarrel with our loved ones, most of us have the ability not to do too much damage. This is because of something called object constancy. It basically means having the ability to still have a positive emotional bond with someone when you are also feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed with them.
If you date a narcissist, chances are they saw you as a worthy target, then they love bombed you into thinking they were your perfect match. They target strong, successful people to prey on partly because they like a challenge, and partly because it makes them look good. However, then they start breaking down your spirit with their abusive, gaslighting behavior, then discard you suddenly and brutally.
People who have been in narcissistic, abusive relationships often describe their partner as having a "Jeckyll and Hyde" behavior-one moment they are acting like everything is perfect and you are the love of their life, but something switches and a monster appears in front of you who is angry, cruel, and threatening.
According to Shannon Thomas, a therapist and author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse", abusive people can switch between Jeckyll and Hyde so easily because they never take any responsibility for their actions. This is also why they are able to move on so quickly from seemingly relationship-ending arguments, sometimes pretending that they didn't happen at all.
"If nothing ever sticks to them, if there's no actual remorse, and no guilt of any kind, then it's always someone else's fault."
The lack of object constancy in the narcissist's mind means they cannot cope with the idea that the person they are dating doesn't exactly fit into how their ideal mate should look, think, and behave. When they realize the person they are with is human, with faults and imperfections, that's it.
Therapist Perpetua Neo told Business Insider that the behavior of narcissists in abusive relationships is so insidious that the victims stop respecting themselves. Narcissists can never change, she said, and the best thing survivors can do is run far away from them as fast as they can.
"You want to make sure you reclaim your life in a different way. When you're with a narcissist, you stop doing things for yourself because they don't like you doing things for yourself, " Neo said. "Be really clear in your head that this person is a narcissist and really nothing can be done about it. The only thing you can do about it is to take care of yourself."
Author: Lindsay Dodgson, Business Insider
Narcissists aren't capable of something called "object constancy"-and it helps explain why they are so cruel to the people they date
When we quarrel with our loved ones, most of us have the ability not to do too much damage. This is because of something called object constancy. It basically means having the ability to still have a positive emotional bond with someone when you are also feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed with them.
If you date a narcissist, chances are they saw you as a worthy target, then they love bombed you into thinking they were your perfect match. They target strong, successful people to prey on partly because they like a challenge, and partly because it makes them look good. However, then they start breaking down your spirit with their abusive, gaslighting behavior, then discard you suddenly and brutally.
People who have been in narcissistic, abusive relationships often describe their partner as having a "Jeckyll and Hyde" behavior-one moment they are acting like everything is perfect and you are the love of their life, but something switches and a monster appears in front of you who is angry, cruel, and threatening.
According to Shannon Thomas, a therapist and author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse", abusive people can switch between Jeckyll and Hyde so easily because they never take any responsibility for their actions. This is also why they are able to move on so quickly from seemingly relationship-ending arguments, sometimes pretending that they didn't happen at all.
"If nothing ever sticks to them, if there's no actual remorse, and no guilt of any kind, then it's always someone else's fault."
The lack of object constancy in the narcissist's mind means they cannot cope with the idea that the person they are dating doesn't exactly fit into how their ideal mate should look, think, and behave. When they realize the person they are with is human, with faults and imperfections, that's it.
Therapist Perpetua Neo told Business Insider that the behavior of narcissists in abusive relationships is so insidious that the victims stop respecting themselves. Narcissists can never change, she said, and the best thing survivors can do is run far away from them as fast as they can.
"You want to make sure you reclaim your life in a different way. When you're with a narcissist, you stop doing things for yourself because they don't like you doing things for yourself, " Neo said. "Be really clear in your head that this person is a narcissist and really nothing can be done about it. The only thing you can do about it is to take care of yourself."
Author: Lindsay Dodgson, Business Insider
More about narcissists
I was trying to find that video I watched yesterday on this topic but couldn't find it. I will have to keep working on it.
When I was looking for that, I came across another article about it.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence is a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
The narcissistic personality:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of her.
9. Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
When I was looking for that, I came across another article about it.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence is a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
The narcissistic personality:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of her.
9. Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Never Enough
This is from the movie, The Greatest Showman, which I have already seen 3 times. I love it and this music is amazing. Here's one of the songs.
Never Enough
by Loren Allred
I'm tryin' to hold my breath
Let it stay this way
Can't let this moment end
You set off a dream in me
Gettin' louder now
Can you hear it echoing?
Take my hand
Will you share this with me?
'Cause darling without you
All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough
Never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough
Never be enough
For me
Never, never
Never, never
Never, for me
For me
Never enough
Never enough
Never enough
For me
For me
For me
All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough
Never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough
Never be enough
For me
Never, never
Never, never
Never, for me
For me
Never enough
Never, never
Never enough
Never, never
Never enough
For me
For me
For me
For me
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Narcissist
This term keeps coming up. I watched an interesting video that Jennifer RR posted. I decided to look up definitions of the word. It makes sense.
Narcissist: pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes
Symptoms: excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle criticism, and a sense of entitlement
According to the video, a relationship with this type of person does a lot of damage to your self-esteem. It sounds like they are impossible to please. I could never understand why he never cared when I cried...Interesting. He still doesn't.
Narcissist: pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes
Symptoms: excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle criticism, and a sense of entitlement
According to the video, a relationship with this type of person does a lot of damage to your self-esteem. It sounds like they are impossible to please. I could never understand why he never cared when I cried...Interesting. He still doesn't.
Trust God to lead
Excerpts from Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Trust God To Lead
Isn't this what God gave the children of Israel? He promised to supply them with manna each day, but He told them to collect only one day's supply at a time. Matthew 6:34 says to give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. God's leading you-so leave tomorrow's problems until tomorrow.
Trust God To Lead
Isn't this what God gave the children of Israel? He promised to supply them with manna each day, but He told them to collect only one day's supply at a time. Matthew 6:34 says to give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. God's leading you-so leave tomorrow's problems until tomorrow.
No temptation
Today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear it.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Walking in the Spirit
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day yesterday
Galatians 5:16
Walking in the Spirit
I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Galatians 5:16
Walking in the Spirit
I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Sparkling flashes
Quote from C.S. Lewis. Part of another post but was reminded of it by picture I took in front of Caribe Royale on Sunday with ray of light coming down. Later on, I noticed that the ray with some clouds looked like it formed the letter "A". Not telling anyone that though. Interesting that I didn't get to post this until today because there was a flash of light last night from a meteorite.
What sparkling flashes of God's wit and brilliance-His coruscations-have caused your mind today to run back up the sunbeam to the sun and given you cause to give thanks and to worship the Lord?
(Definition of coruscations: a sudden gleam or flash of light; a striking display of brilliance or wit)
What sparkling flashes of God's wit and brilliance-His coruscations-have caused your mind today to run back up the sunbeam to the sun and given you cause to give thanks and to worship the Lord?
(Definition of coruscations: a sudden gleam or flash of light; a striking display of brilliance or wit)
Without complaining
Today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Philippians 2:14-16
Do things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
Philippians 2:14-16
Do things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
Start over
Start over, my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to. -Madalyn Beck
Day I Die
I've heard this song in the car a few times. I thought the lyrics would be more profound than they are. Still wanted to remember this song. The sound of it reminds me of the "Good Grief" song and "Like A River Runs."
Day I Die
by The National
I don't need you, I don't need you
Besides I barely ever see you anymore
And when I do it feels you're only halfway there
Young mothers love me even ghosts of
Girlfriends call from Cleveland
They will meet me anytime and anywhere
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
Don't do this, I don't do this to you
Don't expect me to enjoy it
'Cause I really don't have the courage not to turn the volume up inside my ears
For years I used to put my head inside the speakers
In the hallway when you get too high and talk forever
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
I get a little punchy with the vodka just like my great uncle Valentine Jester did
But he had to deal with those people like you who made no g**d*** common sense
I'd rather walk all the way home right now than to spend one more second in this place
I'm exactly like you Valentine, just come outside and leave with me
Let's just get high enough to see our problems
Let's just get high enough to see our fathers' houses
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
The day I die, the day I die
Where will we be?
Do you know what matters?
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Do You Know What Matters?
A man once went to a minister for counseling. "I've lost everything," he bemoaned. "Oh!" the preacher said, "I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your faith." "No," the man corrected him, "I haven't lost my faith."
"Well then," the minister said, "I'm sad to hear you've lost your character." "I didn't say that," the man corrected. "I still have my character."
"I'm so sorry you lost your salvation," the minister said. "That's not what I said," the man objected, beginning to lose his patience. The preacher explained, "You have your faith, your character, and your salvation. Seems to me that you've lost none of the things that really matter."
We haven't either. You and I could pray like the Puritan. He sat down to a meal of bread and water. He bowed his head and declared, "All this and Jesus too?" Can't we be equally content? Paul says in 1 Timothy 6:6: "godliness with contentment is great gain!"
Do You Know What Matters?
A man once went to a minister for counseling. "I've lost everything," he bemoaned. "Oh!" the preacher said, "I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your faith." "No," the man corrected him, "I haven't lost my faith."
"Well then," the minister said, "I'm sad to hear you've lost your character." "I didn't say that," the man corrected. "I still have my character."
"I'm so sorry you lost your salvation," the minister said. "That's not what I said," the man objected, beginning to lose his patience. The preacher explained, "You have your faith, your character, and your salvation. Seems to me that you've lost none of the things that really matter."
We haven't either. You and I could pray like the Puritan. He sat down to a meal of bread and water. He bowed his head and declared, "All this and Jesus too?" Can't we be equally content? Paul says in 1 Timothy 6:6: "godliness with contentment is great gain!"
A pasture for the soul
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional (excerpts)
A Pasture for the Soul
With his own pierced hands, Jesus created a pasture for the soul. He pried loose the huge boulders of sin. In their place He planted seeds of grace and dug ponds of mercy. Can you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of the shepherd when the work is completed and he sees his sheep rest in the tender grass? Can you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of God when we do the same?
A Pasture for the Soul
With his own pierced hands, Jesus created a pasture for the soul. He pried loose the huge boulders of sin. In their place He planted seeds of grace and dug ponds of mercy. Can you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of the shepherd when the work is completed and he sees his sheep rest in the tender grass? Can you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of God when we do the same?
Give up your bag of burdens
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional (excerpts)
Give Up Your Bag of Burdens
No one wants your worries. The truth is, you don't want them either. No one has to remind you of the high cost of anxiety, but I will anyway. Worry divides the mind. It splits our energy between today's priorities and tomorrow's problems. The result is half-minded thinking.
Hebrews 4:16 encourages us to "boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy, and in His grace, find timely help." God's help is timely! God will do the right thing at the right time. And what a difference that makes!
Give Up Your Bag of Burdens
No one wants your worries. The truth is, you don't want them either. No one has to remind you of the high cost of anxiety, but I will anyway. Worry divides the mind. It splits our energy between today's priorities and tomorrow's problems. The result is half-minded thinking.
Hebrews 4:16 encourages us to "boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy, and in His grace, find timely help." God's help is timely! God will do the right thing at the right time. And what a difference that makes!
When grief makes life weird
This is by Gary Roe who wrote an excellent book called Shattered. Here are excerpts.
"This is weird. Everything is different, but it all looks the same. It's like living in some kind of alternate universe,"...
Like many losses, (child's) illness and death came out of nowhere. The shock was immense.
The shock waves soon hit (child's) friends and classmates. Practically the entire school was at the funeral. Most were stunned and silent. There was simply nothing to say that could make much of a difference.
"Surreal, I guess that's what you would call it. Nothing seems real,"...
For weeks, (child's) family lived in a stunned silence of the surreal. (Child's) absence was palpable. Everything felt weird, and wrong.
Living in an alternate universe
When our lives are struck by loss, our world changes immediately. Of course, we don't experience all the changes at once. We experience them over the days, months, and even the years that follow. This creates a "disconnect" between us and the world at large.
Our world is different. We have a new, huge hole in our hearts. So we find ourselves in this in-between place. We know our child is gone, but a part of us hasn't accepted that yet. We don't want to accept it, or perhaps we just can't.
Our world has cracked wide open, but we don't know what this fully means. We do know the whole world seems empty because our loved one is no longer in it.
"Everything is weird now. You're not here anymore, and I don't want that to be real."
"This is weird. Everything is different, but it all looks the same. It's like living in some kind of alternate universe,"...
Like many losses, (child's) illness and death came out of nowhere. The shock was immense.
The shock waves soon hit (child's) friends and classmates. Practically the entire school was at the funeral. Most were stunned and silent. There was simply nothing to say that could make much of a difference.
"Surreal, I guess that's what you would call it. Nothing seems real,"...
For weeks, (child's) family lived in a stunned silence of the surreal. (Child's) absence was palpable. Everything felt weird, and wrong.
Living in an alternate universe
When our lives are struck by loss, our world changes immediately. Of course, we don't experience all the changes at once. We experience them over the days, months, and even the years that follow. This creates a "disconnect" between us and the world at large.
Our world is different. We have a new, huge hole in our hearts. So we find ourselves in this in-between place. We know our child is gone, but a part of us hasn't accepted that yet. We don't want to accept it, or perhaps we just can't.
Our world has cracked wide open, but we don't know what this fully means. We do know the whole world seems empty because our loved one is no longer in it.
"Everything is weird now. You're not here anymore, and I don't want that to be real."
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
I fell apart
What a beautiful thing it is, to be able to stand tall and say, "I fell apart, and I survived."
General note
Just as a general note, you should eliminate any thought that there is an expectation that you do anything by any age. You don't have to be married with kids by 25. It's ok to be 16 and never been kissed. There's nothing wrong with you if you haven't graduated from college by 22. You're not a failure because you don't have your dream job at 30. There are no rules to life. You don't get special points for achieving certain things by a deadline. Just go at your own speed. It's not a race.
Blue
I found this statement interesting from K. He wrote it and then sent me a picture of the outfit he was wearing. It made more sense after he sent the picture.
Blue is not the word for the way that I feel!
Blue is not the word for the way that I feel!
Joy is a decision
On that wall at Lululemon at Orlando outlet mall
Joy is a decision
a really brave one,
about how you are
going to respond to life.
Joy is a decision
a really brave one,
about how you are
going to respond to life.
Don't settle
One day you're gonna come across a man that will worship the ground you walk on. Do not stop until you find that man. He will love and cherish every inch of you (personality, body, mind, etc.) And he will do everything in his power not to lose you. Don't settle for half-a** men.
I am who I am
I am who I am.
Like me, love me.
Take me, leave me.
Know that I am a true
friend to the end and
ask for nothing in
return except two
things, don't hurt
me or use me.
Like me, love me.
Take me, leave me.
Know that I am a true
friend to the end and
ask for nothing in
return except two
things, don't hurt
me or use me.
They're worth it
Apply for that job. Date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city. Do all the things that scare you, they're worth it.
Hugs
Hugs are actually so underrated especially those hugs that are so tight u can literally feel the other person's heartbeat n for a moment everything feels so calm and safe like nothing can hurt you.
Sweet girl
From J. Raymond
Sweet girl, I sincerely hope that you realize your worth by now. You seem to find the calm in the dead center of your own storms. And along the way, it seems that a few you held close were too afraid to stay. They ran with your winds. I'm asking you, practically pleading with you, to see that not every one is meant to share your shelter. Let your hellish weather rain down when it must. It's love you've earned now, more than just lust.
Sweet girl, I sincerely hope that you realize your worth by now. You seem to find the calm in the dead center of your own storms. And along the way, it seems that a few you held close were too afraid to stay. They ran with your winds. I'm asking you, practically pleading with you, to see that not every one is meant to share your shelter. Let your hellish weather rain down when it must. It's love you've earned now, more than just lust.
Ultimate punishment
The ultimate punishment is watching another man love the woman you took for granted.
Liars
Ironically enough, Dad initially posted this.
Liars know how to turn things around and make it seem like it's all your fault.
Liars know how to turn things around and make it seem like it's all your fault.
Cancel your subscription
From Toby Mac
Sometimes you just need to cancel your subscription to people's issues.
Sometimes you just need to cancel your subscription to people's issues.
You'll forget
By Lang Leav
Leave him, let him go. Don't be the crazy ex-girlfriend or the shoulder to cry on. You're more than just an ego boost, a story he can tell someone he wants to impress. Just walk away with your head held high and don't give him another second of your time. I know you love him so much that every step is killing you. But this is the moment you'll look back on the day you put yourself first. Go and make something beautiful of your life and I promise you, one day you'll forget he was ever there.
Leave him, let him go. Don't be the crazy ex-girlfriend or the shoulder to cry on. You're more than just an ego boost, a story he can tell someone he wants to impress. Just walk away with your head held high and don't give him another second of your time. I know you love him so much that every step is killing you. But this is the moment you'll look back on the day you put yourself first. Go and make something beautiful of your life and I promise you, one day you'll forget he was ever there.
Hasn't surrendered
I'm sure I've recorded this before, but worth repeating from A.W. Tozer
While it looks like things are out of control, behind the scenes there is a God who hasn't surrendered His authority.
While it looks like things are out of control, behind the scenes there is a God who hasn't surrendered His authority.
And God
Self love is so important. Because when you're all alone and it's 3 in the morning and you're lying on the floor crying and shaking and wishing it all would end, who's going to be there for you? You. You have to pick yourself up and find the strength to carry on. At the end of the day, you're all you've got.
I have
From Leonard Ravenhill as posted on A.W. Tozer's page
I have God, Jesus and two thirds of the angels on my side, what do you think I am going to do? Sit down and cry?
I have God, Jesus and two thirds of the angels on my side, what do you think I am going to do? Sit down and cry?
Dim your spirit
Text from K
Part of what I said: I kind of have to discover my new role with them besides "defender-against-Bill". There are a lot of changes waiting for me at home but I know they have to be made. Sorry it didn't work out to see you this weekend. It was nice though being in the same state as you for a little while.
K: The other afternoon on the phone you sounded different-relaxed, calm and cheerful. Please do not let anything dim your spirit. Safe travels....home
(Later on)
K: How are you Miss Hope & Mr Carter getting home?
Me: I wish another Lyft driver was picking us up but it's Bill
K: I said earlier, don't let anything dim your spirit. You're a good person and a really great Mom.
Me: Thank you
K: Remember, the use of silence can be a powerful tool......
Part of what I said: I kind of have to discover my new role with them besides "defender-against-Bill". There are a lot of changes waiting for me at home but I know they have to be made. Sorry it didn't work out to see you this weekend. It was nice though being in the same state as you for a little while.
K: The other afternoon on the phone you sounded different-relaxed, calm and cheerful. Please do not let anything dim your spirit. Safe travels....home
(Later on)
K: How are you Miss Hope & Mr Carter getting home?
Me: I wish another Lyft driver was picking us up but it's Bill
K: I said earlier, don't let anything dim your spirit. You're a good person and a really great Mom.
Me: Thank you
K: Remember, the use of silence can be a powerful tool......
Genuine love
From A.W. Tozer
When I come to Christ, I know that I am coming to Him, and His love for me is a genuine love that I can count on.
When I come to Christ, I know that I am coming to Him, and His love for me is a genuine love that I can count on.
There is no
Proverbs 21:30
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.
MLK, Jr.
Quote from MLK, Jr.
Life's most persistant and urgent questions is, "What are you doing for others?"
Life's most persistant and urgent questions is, "What are you doing for others?"
Always trust
From Higher Perspective
Always trust your first gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is.
Always trust your first gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is.
Obeys
From A.W. Tozer
The child of God must be completely obedient to the word of the Lord. The driver on the highway is safe, not when he reads the signs; but when he obeys them.
The child of God must be completely obedient to the word of the Lord. The driver on the highway is safe, not when he reads the signs; but when he obeys them.
Everyone is afraid
From Surviving After The Loss Of An Older Child by I Am A Mother To An Angel
Everyone is afraid of dying,
until you lose a child...
then you're afraid of living.
Everyone is afraid of dying,
until you lose a child...
then you're afraid of living.
Big life change
From Toby Mac
Making a big life change is pretty scary.
But you know what's even scarier?
Regret?
Making a big life change is pretty scary.
But you know what's even scarier?
Regret?
Like you own her
When you touch her, don't touch her with hesitation...touch her like you own her. Trust me, she'll know the difference.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Everything will be alright
Yes, I am a strong person, but every now and then I also need someone to take my hand and say everything will be alright.
(Side note: Someone told me this once and I believed him)
(Side note: Someone told me this once and I believed him)
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid to do something just because you are scared of what people will say about you.
People will judge anyway.
People will judge anyway.
A man's success
A man's success has a lot to do with the kind of woman he chooses to have in his life.
Not given a choice
Someone said to me,
"I don't know how you do it."
I replied,
"I wasn't given a choice."
"I don't know how you do it."
I replied,
"I wasn't given a choice."
Be good to people
From Toby Mac by Mandy Hale
Be good to people.
You will be remembered more for your kindness
than any level of success you could possibly attain.
Be good to people.
You will be remembered more for your kindness
than any level of success you could possibly attain.
Why he does it
From A.W. Tozer
It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it.
It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it.
From Hamilton
If I could spare his life
If I could trade his life for mine
He'd be standing here right now
And you would smile, and that would be enough
I don't pretend to know
The challenges we're facing
I know there's no replacing what we've lost
(Might be out of order)
There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
It feels easier to just swim down
If I could trade his life for mine
He'd be standing here right now
And you would smile, and that would be enough
I don't pretend to know
The challenges we're facing
I know there's no replacing what we've lost
(Might be out of order)
There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
It feels easier to just swim down
Subtle
By Mounaks
Life is so subtle sometimes that you barely notice yourself walking through the doors you once prayed would open.
Life is so subtle sometimes that you barely notice yourself walking through the doors you once prayed would open.
She's tried
She's tried talking to you, but you won't listen. She's cried herself to sleep at night, but you're not paying attention. She's tried everything in her power to get you to show her you still care. The sad part about it is...you probably won't see it until she's no longer there.
Becoming
By Lisa Bevere
The battle is not against who we have been,
it is all out war against who we are becoming.
The battle is not against who we have been,
it is all out war against who we are becoming.
Somebody
From A.W. Tozer
Somebody is going to control your mind.
Who is it going to be?
Is it going to be the advertiser?
Is it going to be the public school?
Is it going to be the media?
Or is it going to be God?
Somebody is going to control your mind.
Who is it going to be?
Is it going to be the advertiser?
Is it going to be the public school?
Is it going to be the media?
Or is it going to be God?
Maybe it's true
Maybe it's true,
maybe we don't know
what we have
until we've lost it.
But, maybe it's also true
that we don't know
what we're missing
until we find it.
maybe we don't know
what we have
until we've lost it.
But, maybe it's also true
that we don't know
what we're missing
until we find it.
Kindness
Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self discipline and strong self-esteem. Being kind is not always easy when dealing with rude people. Kindness is a sign of a person who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding and wisdom. Choose to be kind over being right and you'll be right every time because kindness is a sign of strength.
Always chose herself
She woke up every morning with the option of being anyone she wished.
How beautiful it was that she always chose herself.
How beautiful it was that she always chose herself.
A broken mind
Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Worse! You can heal broken bones; you can't heal a broken mind.
My children
My children will always come before myself. If me going without means they have what they need then I am perfectly content. Being a parent means sacrificing for your children without hesitation.
Come together
Things will slowly come together. Everything will work out for you. Have faith and be patient during the process.
Your intuition
From Rachel Wolchin
Never apologize for trusting your intuition-your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.
Never apologize for trusting your intuition-your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.
It just hurts
"It just hurts," she whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you'll give so much of yourself to a person, and they'll make you genuinely feel as if they'd do the same." She looked at the ground. "Except they don't, they never do. Out of every person I've ever invested myself into, I'm constantly the one who cares a little more," she says quietly, "and it hurts."
-unspell
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you'll give so much of yourself to a person, and they'll make you genuinely feel as if they'd do the same." She looked at the ground. "Except they don't, they never do. Out of every person I've ever invested myself into, I'm constantly the one who cares a little more," she says quietly, "and it hurts."
-unspell
One great girl
You only get one great girl in your life. You might have other good girls too but only one great girl that you will never forget for the rest of your life I promise you. Do not let that great girl go and do whatever it takes to keep her cause you'll regret letting her walk away.
Love
Love isn't always perfect. It isn't a fairytale or a storybook. And it doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, and every second was worth it because you did it together.
You will be loved
God said,
"You don't have to worry about love.
As long as I'm existing, you will be loved."
"You don't have to worry about love.
As long as I'm existing, you will be loved."
Enough is enough
From Dave Ramsey
When you get to the place of
"Enough is enough!
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!"
Everything changes.
When you get to the place of
"Enough is enough!
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!"
Everything changes.
With hope
From Mary Beth Chapman
We wait with hope
and we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
We wait with hope
and we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
Extremely weak
By Bobby J. Mattingly
If you have to hurt other people in order to feel powerful,
you are an extremely weak individual.
If you have to hurt other people in order to feel powerful,
you are an extremely weak individual.
Hide anything
From A.W. Tozer
No Christian, if he is right with God, should ever need to hide anything in his life.
No Christian, if he is right with God, should ever need to hide anything in his life.
True friends
This is from Marcus at Buschs
True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them.
True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them.
The only way
From Steven Furtick
The only way God can show He's in control
is to put us in situations we can't control.
The only way God can show He's in control
is to put us in situations we can't control.
Friday, January 5, 2018
God does not change
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
God Does Not Change
You and I are governed. The weather determines what we wear. Gravity dictates our speed, and health determines our strength. We may change these forces, alter them slightly, but we never remove them. God is an unchanging God, an uncaused God and an ungoverned God. He doesn't check the weather; He makes it. He doesn't defy gravity; He created it. He isn't affected by health; He has no body. Jesus said, "God is spirit" (John 4:24). Since He has no body, He has no limitations..."Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?" asked David in Psalm 139:7.
God-Unchanging. God-Uncaused. God-Ungoverned. Only a fraction of God's qualities, but aren't they enough to give you a glimpse of your Father? Psalm 90:2 says, "Before the mountains were born or you brought for the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God!"
God Does Not Change
You and I are governed. The weather determines what we wear. Gravity dictates our speed, and health determines our strength. We may change these forces, alter them slightly, but we never remove them. God is an unchanging God, an uncaused God and an ungoverned God. He doesn't check the weather; He makes it. He doesn't defy gravity; He created it. He isn't affected by health; He has no body. Jesus said, "God is spirit" (John 4:24). Since He has no body, He has no limitations..."Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?" asked David in Psalm 139:7.
God-Unchanging. God-Uncaused. God-Ungoverned. Only a fraction of God's qualities, but aren't they enough to give you a glimpse of your Father? Psalm 90:2 says, "Before the mountains were born or you brought for the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God!"
Middle C
Excerpts from Max Lucado's Daily Devotionals.
We Need a Middle C
You and I need a middle C. A still point in a turning world. An unchanging Shepherd. A God who can still the storm. A Lord who can declare the meaning of life. And according to David in Psalm 23-you have one. The Lord is your shepherd. He is your middle C!
We Need a Middle C
You and I need a middle C. A still point in a turning world. An unchanging Shepherd. A God who can still the storm. A Lord who can declare the meaning of life. And according to David in Psalm 23-you have one. The Lord is your shepherd. He is your middle C!
Snake
No matter how many times a snake sheds its skin, it will always be a snake.
Remember that before allowing people back into your life.
Remember that before allowing people back into your life.
When I took you home
This was on the page for the mothers who have lost older children. I'm thinking I might "alter" it a bit and use it for my January post. It was written by Lori McCarty on 1/2/2018.
On the day you were born we created a bond
From the moment I looked into your eyes.
We weren't expecting to have another
So you were a complete surprise
We doted on you and gazed in awe
At our gift that God had loaned,
I was so proud, excited and even a little nervous
When I took you home.
I had not prepared for another child,
And especially not a boy
But your big sister was absolutely overjoyed
To receive her brand new toy.
One minute I'm rocking you to sleep
Singing to you "Somewhere Out There"
And the next I'm taking you to school or practice,
Or dropping you off somewhere.
Those days of being "Mom's Taxi"
Are just a reminder of my worth
To a boy with dimples and big brown eyes
That I've known ever since his birth.
Soon after, the fast forward button was hit
And you ventured on your own.
I was left longing for the days
When you weren't quite so grown.
I wanted to rewind this life
And shrink you back into that little being;
But instead I was staring at your familiar face
Not believing what I was seeing.
So peaceful and still like the nights we spent
Rocking the chair while you were sleeping...
Only you aren't in your pajamas
And I certainly don't remember weeping.
We are taking you down Lincolnway again
Only this time we're not alone
There are hundreds of people behind us
On the day I took you home.
On the day you were born we created a bond
From the moment I looked into your eyes.
We weren't expecting to have another
So you were a complete surprise
We doted on you and gazed in awe
At our gift that God had loaned,
I was so proud, excited and even a little nervous
When I took you home.
I had not prepared for another child,
And especially not a boy
But your big sister was absolutely overjoyed
To receive her brand new toy.
One minute I'm rocking you to sleep
Singing to you "Somewhere Out There"
And the next I'm taking you to school or practice,
Or dropping you off somewhere.
Those days of being "Mom's Taxi"
Are just a reminder of my worth
To a boy with dimples and big brown eyes
That I've known ever since his birth.
Soon after, the fast forward button was hit
And you ventured on your own.
I was left longing for the days
When you weren't quite so grown.
I wanted to rewind this life
And shrink you back into that little being;
But instead I was staring at your familiar face
Not believing what I was seeing.
So peaceful and still like the nights we spent
Rocking the chair while you were sleeping...
Only you aren't in your pajamas
And I certainly don't remember weeping.
We are taking you down Lincolnway again
Only this time we're not alone
There are hundreds of people behind us
On the day I took you home.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Should I
This is an excellent article from iBelieve.com.
Should I Stay Married or Can I Divorce?
by Elisabeth Klein
This is the question I am asked over and over and over again over email. Christian women in hard marriages from all over the world email me to ask me if they are allowed to leave their marriages.
I hate this question.
I hate this question because I know the pain that it represents.
I hate this question because it means that a woman must be living in some measure of isolation if she feels compelled to write a stranger to ask a life-altering question.
I hate this question because the answer is polarizing and life-changing and is never black and white.
I hate this questions because I refuse to answer it.
When I started writing about all of this a few years ago-hard Christian marriages, abuse, separation, divorce, the Church's response-I made a promise to myself and to God that I would never, ever tell a woman she should divorce her husband (or conversely that she should stay married).
(My strong opinion is that NO ONE should be telling a woman either of these things, but that's neither here nor there today).
This decision is, in my strong opinion, between the woman, her husband and God. And when it cannot be reached with the husband-which is often the case in difficult Christian marriages where abuse and addiction are involved-it is between the woman and her God to decide.
So though I cannot possibly answer this question for every single person, because it's not my place, and because it is such a complicated issue, and because every situation is different, and because volumes have been written on this topic, I do have some thoughts.
If you or your children are being physically abused:
Tell someone and get away. I am not saying you must divorce or should divorce. I am saying you need to seek shelter and make sure you and your children are safe. You should also come up with a safety plan. The decision to stay married or divorce comes after you're safe.
If your husband is unrepentantly unfaithful or your husband has literally left you:
You are biblically allowed to divorce. I am not saying you must divorce or should divorce but I am saying that you are free and clear to initiate a divorce. And anyone who tells you otherwise can come talk to me. And the apostle Paul.
If your husband is emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially or any other manner of consistently abusive towards you or has an unchecked addiction that is affecting your life and your marriage and your children:
(WARNING: this is where some Christians disagree with me and stones have been and will be thrown my way. Oh well.)
I believe this is considered abandonment as laid out in the Old Testament. I am not saying you must divorce or should divorce but I believe divorce is an option for you to consider.
I am begging you to keep reading. Some of you may think you just got what you came for-a get-out-of-jail-free card-and will stop reading. You have not. I have much more to say.
If you have fallen out of love, if you are unhappy, if your marriage takes work:
As a Christian, these are not reasons for divorce.
My story is not just one of a walk-away wife, as I've been told. I didn't just up and leave my marriage. I know some people who have. Okay, I know a lot of people who have. I believe that there are many, many people-Christian people-who should have freaking stayed married LONGER) and taken steps that they did not take but should have.
So I'm going to lay out what I believe should be done BEFORE initiating a divorce, even if you are in a very hard marriage. (And before you write me telling me I don't understand-PLEASE. I was in a difficult marriage-a very, very difficult marriage-for almost nineteen years. I asked Jesus to kill me, for heaven's sakes. I KNOW what a hard Christian marriage feels like. Don't get me started.)
So, before you just up and leave, sweet girls:
Stop praying.
What I mean by this is: stop praying that God will change your husband. Just stop. Instead, start praying for support. Start praying for help, for the right people to come around you. Start praying for wisdom. Start praying for you to speak only when necessary and for those words to be life-giving. Start praying for strength. Start praying for your heart to soften and heal and change.
Stop reading.
What I mean by this is: stop reading regular Christian marriage books that will make you feel like crap. Your marriage is on life support. You do not need a date night and to run to Victoria's Secret. You need different kinds of advice. Try Leslie Vernick's The Emotionally Destructive Marriage or my e-book, Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage.
Stop complaining.
Stop telling your friends-who more than likely cannot help you or do anything about your situation-over and over and over again how horrible your husband is and marriage are. Instead, get real help. I'm going to ask you to go to Christian counseling. Even if it's by yourself. And I'm going to ask you to tell someone in church leadership. Now, here's the thing. Some pastoral leaders are awesome and will totally get all this and will support and help you. I've met some and they give me great hope. But some will tell you to submit more or whatever. If the first person you tell doesn't get it, move on and talk to someone else. And keep talking to someone until someone truly understands you and helps you. This part will take perseverance and courage.
Stop expecting an easy answer or a quick fix.
If all you go to counseling or to church leadership for is to finally give you permission to leave your husband, you will not only be disappointed but you are not going for the right reasons. Your main motivation should be-even if you're dying inside-for God to heal you and your husband and restore your marriage. (I didn't say any of this would be easy). And then, if it comes to a place of that being an impossibility, of walking out of your marriage with grace and support.
When I went to church leadership for help. I did not expect an out, but I also had no idea what was ahead of me. I thought I had done all the hard work of counseling and reading and just plain staying the previous sixteen or so years up to that point when I didn't want to. I wanted credit for all that. I wanted all that to be enough. But that was nothing compared to what was about to be asked of me. What ended up happening was a team of eight people were pulled together to work with us (campus pastor, counselor, elder and his wife, mentor couple, mentor, and mediator) and then we spent fifteen months (FIFTEEN LONG MONTHS, if you can imagine that) meeting and being given assignments and splaying our lives out for everyone to judge and tell us what we should be doing and trying to put out marriage back on track and it was hell. It was the worst fifteen months of my life (and I've had some pretty sucky stretches of life, I'm tellin' ya). And yet, it was the best fifteen months of my life. Because after all had been done-meaning, after I had done every single (sometimes humiliating) thing I was asked to do-I was released to legally separate. And then three months later, I was served with divorce papers.
I could've just left , but I didn't.
Anytime during the almost nineteen years. And anytime during that church-led reconciliation attempt. But I am so deeply grateful that I stuck it out. Because when it was over, I was able to walk away with my head held high, and with the support of people who knew I didn't just bail.
Yes, you can just leave. You have free will. You can do whatever the heck you want to do. And some of you already have. And some of you will.
Listen, being a divorcee comes with problems. But there is a whole world of hurt that comes to the woman who leaves a marriage when she shouldn't (or before she should). There is a huge difference between the women who left the right way and the women who left the wrong way; I see it all the time.
And it can be prevented.
("I gave them over to their own stubborn hearts, to walk in their own counsels." -Psalm 81:12)
There are consequences that will be reaped for leaving a marriage when it shouldn't be left (or when it is left prematurely).
Such as, guilt that you will carry for a long, long time.
Such as, remarriage being frowned upon.
Such as, huge, life-defining regret.
Such as, having a very hard time letting go.
Such as, having a very hard time moving on.
Such as, having a very hard time healing.
Women still email me. Because when we are in pain, we want help and answers and a rescue. I cannot offer that. I cannot tell you, sweet, sweet woman, if you should stay or if you can go. Only God can tell you that.
But I can offer up that there is a good way to do this and a bad way to do this, and I can encourage the better, harder way with everything in me because I did it the better, harder way. (Not perfectly, mind you, but the longer, uphill way).
And I can tell you that I've been there. That I know the pain. That I know how it's a killing-your-spirit kind of pain. That I know that you don't think you have another day left in you to give but that you are stronger and braver than you think you are. That I know that you think you are alone, that no one has ever walked this road, that you have been abandoned, that God must not actually see you because why wouldn't he do something?? I know, honey. I really do know.
But I see you. And I know. And God sees you. And God knows. And he's not going anywhere. And he is your rescuer, though the rescue may come later than you hope or look different than you expect, but that rescue efforts are currently in full swing.
I'm so sorry you're in pain. I'm so sorry it's lasted this long. I'm so sorry you feel all alone.
God is with you. God will hold you. God will strengthen you. God will not leave you. And most of all, God loves you.
The LORD your God is with you, the Might Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. -Zephaniah 3:17
If this post resonated with you, you would benefit from Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage.
Should I Stay Married or Can I Divorce?
by Elisabeth Klein
This is the question I am asked over and over and over again over email. Christian women in hard marriages from all over the world email me to ask me if they are allowed to leave their marriages.
I hate this question.
I hate this question because I know the pain that it represents.
I hate this question because it means that a woman must be living in some measure of isolation if she feels compelled to write a stranger to ask a life-altering question.
I hate this question because the answer is polarizing and life-changing and is never black and white.
I hate this questions because I refuse to answer it.
When I started writing about all of this a few years ago-hard Christian marriages, abuse, separation, divorce, the Church's response-I made a promise to myself and to God that I would never, ever tell a woman she should divorce her husband (or conversely that she should stay married).
(My strong opinion is that NO ONE should be telling a woman either of these things, but that's neither here nor there today).
This decision is, in my strong opinion, between the woman, her husband and God. And when it cannot be reached with the husband-which is often the case in difficult Christian marriages where abuse and addiction are involved-it is between the woman and her God to decide.
So though I cannot possibly answer this question for every single person, because it's not my place, and because it is such a complicated issue, and because every situation is different, and because volumes have been written on this topic, I do have some thoughts.
If you or your children are being physically abused:
Tell someone and get away. I am not saying you must divorce or should divorce. I am saying you need to seek shelter and make sure you and your children are safe. You should also come up with a safety plan. The decision to stay married or divorce comes after you're safe.
If your husband is unrepentantly unfaithful or your husband has literally left you:
You are biblically allowed to divorce. I am not saying you must divorce or should divorce but I am saying that you are free and clear to initiate a divorce. And anyone who tells you otherwise can come talk to me. And the apostle Paul.
If your husband is emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially or any other manner of consistently abusive towards you or has an unchecked addiction that is affecting your life and your marriage and your children:
(WARNING: this is where some Christians disagree with me and stones have been and will be thrown my way. Oh well.)
I believe this is considered abandonment as laid out in the Old Testament. I am not saying you must divorce or should divorce but I believe divorce is an option for you to consider.
I am begging you to keep reading. Some of you may think you just got what you came for-a get-out-of-jail-free card-and will stop reading. You have not. I have much more to say.
If you have fallen out of love, if you are unhappy, if your marriage takes work:
As a Christian, these are not reasons for divorce.
My story is not just one of a walk-away wife, as I've been told. I didn't just up and leave my marriage. I know some people who have. Okay, I know a lot of people who have. I believe that there are many, many people-Christian people-who should have freaking stayed married LONGER) and taken steps that they did not take but should have.
So I'm going to lay out what I believe should be done BEFORE initiating a divorce, even if you are in a very hard marriage. (And before you write me telling me I don't understand-PLEASE. I was in a difficult marriage-a very, very difficult marriage-for almost nineteen years. I asked Jesus to kill me, for heaven's sakes. I KNOW what a hard Christian marriage feels like. Don't get me started.)
So, before you just up and leave, sweet girls:
Stop praying.
What I mean by this is: stop praying that God will change your husband. Just stop. Instead, start praying for support. Start praying for help, for the right people to come around you. Start praying for wisdom. Start praying for you to speak only when necessary and for those words to be life-giving. Start praying for strength. Start praying for your heart to soften and heal and change.
Stop reading.
What I mean by this is: stop reading regular Christian marriage books that will make you feel like crap. Your marriage is on life support. You do not need a date night and to run to Victoria's Secret. You need different kinds of advice. Try Leslie Vernick's The Emotionally Destructive Marriage or my e-book, Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage.
Stop complaining.
Stop telling your friends-who more than likely cannot help you or do anything about your situation-over and over and over again how horrible your husband is and marriage are. Instead, get real help. I'm going to ask you to go to Christian counseling. Even if it's by yourself. And I'm going to ask you to tell someone in church leadership. Now, here's the thing. Some pastoral leaders are awesome and will totally get all this and will support and help you. I've met some and they give me great hope. But some will tell you to submit more or whatever. If the first person you tell doesn't get it, move on and talk to someone else. And keep talking to someone until someone truly understands you and helps you. This part will take perseverance and courage.
Stop expecting an easy answer or a quick fix.
If all you go to counseling or to church leadership for is to finally give you permission to leave your husband, you will not only be disappointed but you are not going for the right reasons. Your main motivation should be-even if you're dying inside-for God to heal you and your husband and restore your marriage. (I didn't say any of this would be easy). And then, if it comes to a place of that being an impossibility, of walking out of your marriage with grace and support.
When I went to church leadership for help. I did not expect an out, but I also had no idea what was ahead of me. I thought I had done all the hard work of counseling and reading and just plain staying the previous sixteen or so years up to that point when I didn't want to. I wanted credit for all that. I wanted all that to be enough. But that was nothing compared to what was about to be asked of me. What ended up happening was a team of eight people were pulled together to work with us (campus pastor, counselor, elder and his wife, mentor couple, mentor, and mediator) and then we spent fifteen months (FIFTEEN LONG MONTHS, if you can imagine that) meeting and being given assignments and splaying our lives out for everyone to judge and tell us what we should be doing and trying to put out marriage back on track and it was hell. It was the worst fifteen months of my life (and I've had some pretty sucky stretches of life, I'm tellin' ya). And yet, it was the best fifteen months of my life. Because after all had been done-meaning, after I had done every single (sometimes humiliating) thing I was asked to do-I was released to legally separate. And then three months later, I was served with divorce papers.
I could've just left , but I didn't.
Anytime during the almost nineteen years. And anytime during that church-led reconciliation attempt. But I am so deeply grateful that I stuck it out. Because when it was over, I was able to walk away with my head held high, and with the support of people who knew I didn't just bail.
Yes, you can just leave. You have free will. You can do whatever the heck you want to do. And some of you already have. And some of you will.
Listen, being a divorcee comes with problems. But there is a whole world of hurt that comes to the woman who leaves a marriage when she shouldn't (or before she should). There is a huge difference between the women who left the right way and the women who left the wrong way; I see it all the time.
And it can be prevented.
("I gave them over to their own stubborn hearts, to walk in their own counsels." -Psalm 81:12)
There are consequences that will be reaped for leaving a marriage when it shouldn't be left (or when it is left prematurely).
Such as, guilt that you will carry for a long, long time.
Such as, remarriage being frowned upon.
Such as, huge, life-defining regret.
Such as, having a very hard time letting go.
Such as, having a very hard time moving on.
Such as, having a very hard time healing.
Women still email me. Because when we are in pain, we want help and answers and a rescue. I cannot offer that. I cannot tell you, sweet, sweet woman, if you should stay or if you can go. Only God can tell you that.
But I can offer up that there is a good way to do this and a bad way to do this, and I can encourage the better, harder way with everything in me because I did it the better, harder way. (Not perfectly, mind you, but the longer, uphill way).
And I can tell you that I've been there. That I know the pain. That I know how it's a killing-your-spirit kind of pain. That I know that you don't think you have another day left in you to give but that you are stronger and braver than you think you are. That I know that you think you are alone, that no one has ever walked this road, that you have been abandoned, that God must not actually see you because why wouldn't he do something?? I know, honey. I really do know.
But I see you. And I know. And God sees you. And God knows. And he's not going anywhere. And he is your rescuer, though the rescue may come later than you hope or look different than you expect, but that rescue efforts are currently in full swing.
I'm so sorry you're in pain. I'm so sorry it's lasted this long. I'm so sorry you feel all alone.
God is with you. God will hold you. God will strengthen you. God will not leave you. And most of all, God loves you.
The LORD your God is with you, the Might Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. -Zephaniah 3:17
If this post resonated with you, you would benefit from Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
This is how you pushed her away
This is from the same website as the She Planned To Stay, But You Pushed Her Away. Not all of this applies, but some does. I'm just going to include excerpts.
This Is How You Pushed Her Away
You don't have a clue about women
Even though you are old enough to be someone's husband you just don't know anything about women. You don't know how they feel when they look in the distance, you don't know that she needs your support while she is going through rough times. You don't know that you need to hold her hand while someone is yelling at her. Honestly, you know nothing. And this is how you pushed her away.
You just care about her looks
...Just imagine how she feels when you are only complimenting her looks. What about her opinion? Don't you like when you lady is smart and intelligent? Doesn't that count nowadays?
You didn't ask her to stay
....No girl will return to you if you don't ask her to come back...
She left because she was tired of you
...She had to leave for her own sake. She had to leave to keep her common sense. She somehow had to find her way to save herself from this h... she was going through. Even leaving you was one of the most painful things to do, she had to do it eventually, because my dear you still don't understand how you pushed her away. And the truth is, she deserves the one who will understand that and put a smile on her face, cherish her and be blessed for having her. Unfortunately, you are not the one!
This Is How You Pushed Her Away
You don't have a clue about women
Even though you are old enough to be someone's husband you just don't know anything about women. You don't know how they feel when they look in the distance, you don't know that she needs your support while she is going through rough times. You don't know that you need to hold her hand while someone is yelling at her. Honestly, you know nothing. And this is how you pushed her away.
You just care about her looks
...Just imagine how she feels when you are only complimenting her looks. What about her opinion? Don't you like when you lady is smart and intelligent? Doesn't that count nowadays?
You didn't ask her to stay
....No girl will return to you if you don't ask her to come back...
She left because she was tired of you
...She had to leave for her own sake. She had to leave to keep her common sense. She somehow had to find her way to save herself from this h... she was going through. Even leaving you was one of the most painful things to do, she had to do it eventually, because my dear you still don't understand how you pushed her away. And the truth is, she deserves the one who will understand that and put a smile on her face, cherish her and be blessed for having her. Unfortunately, you are not the one!
You pushed her away
I'm going through all kinds of emotions right now. I'm realizing that I did try and that I did want it to work at one point.
She Planned To Stay, But You Pushed Her Away
by April Callaghan
She never thought she was perfect, but she tried to be perfect just for you.
She only had eyes for you. She wanted to be worthy of you and she wanted so hard to be worthy of your love. She hoped if she kept being a better version of herself, if she tried enough to meet your expectations, you would make a spot for her in your life. She tried to be perfect, she tried to work on her flaws and she smiled no matter how painful the things she was going through became, always hoping for better days to come.
She wanted nothing more than to be there for you.
She wasn't one of those girls who wanted to have you 24/7 even though you were on her mind all the time. She didn't have sky-high expectations nor did she ever wish to have something you couldn't offer her. Actually, she was the one ready to give all of herself to you.
She just wanted to be there for you. She wanted to be part of your life. She wanted to be a person you would find comfort in, she wanted you to know that you had her, day and night. When it came to you, she was selfless with how much she gave herself to you. By the end of the day, you didn't grant her that wish either.
She wanted to love you.
She wanted you to be the person to whom she would give her love to. She chose you over everything and everybody. She wanted to kiss you when you were sad, she wanted to hear what went wrong when you were mad, and when you were frustrated she wanted to listen and help you to get better. She was your person, but you were never really hers. You never allowed her to get close enough to let you feel what she felt.
She knew all your flaws, but she still valued them as much as your strengths.
She never expected you to be extraordinary. She never wanted you to be something you weren't. She accepted you just like that, just the way you were. She wasn't blind, she was perfectly aware of your flaws, but she still valued them as much as your strengths. She knew you were just a human and with all your flaws and all your mistakes, you were still perfect to her.
She should be next to you now, but she isn't.
Even though she wanted to stay, you pushed her away.
Truth be told, even though she is a good girl and she utterly cares about you, she wasn't able to stay. She wanted to, but you gave her no reason to stay. She couldn't continue bringing herself down just so she could keep you up. Down the road of giving you everything and getting nothing in return, she realized that sometimes you have to take care of yourself and sometimes you have to give up on love even when it's not what you really want to do. So she left.
But she didn't leave willingly, you pushed her away. You pushed her away by not telling her how much you loved her, you pushed her away by not appreciating her efforts, by not valuing all the things she did for you two. You pushed her away by always choosing others before her. ( I added emphasis on this)
There is no excuse for what you did to her.
You can't blame it on your past and you can't blame it on anyone else. You lost a good girl and this one is on you. You broke her. You never gave her what she deserved and all she ever wanted was to be in your life. You just needed to move and make a spot for her, but even that was too much to ask.
She was one of a kind and you let her slip away.
You should've loved her. You should've appreciated her. But you didn't. And that's why you don't have her anymore. When you showed her she had no place in her life, when you gave her nothing, she pulled herself together and she had enough dignity to walk away. But don't ever blame it on her. Because she didn't just walk away. A girl like her doesn't just walk away like that, you pushed her away.
But don't stress about it. She couldn't stay yours forever.
One day, you will no longer have a place in her heart because there will be someone out there who'll notice her. Who'll be able to see her for all she is. Someone who'll value her and treat her the way she deserves. But you'll never find anyone like her again. She was a once in a lifetime opportunity. And you missed it.
She Planned To Stay, But You Pushed Her Away
by April Callaghan
She never thought she was perfect, but she tried to be perfect just for you.
She only had eyes for you. She wanted to be worthy of you and she wanted so hard to be worthy of your love. She hoped if she kept being a better version of herself, if she tried enough to meet your expectations, you would make a spot for her in your life. She tried to be perfect, she tried to work on her flaws and she smiled no matter how painful the things she was going through became, always hoping for better days to come.
She wanted nothing more than to be there for you.
She wasn't one of those girls who wanted to have you 24/7 even though you were on her mind all the time. She didn't have sky-high expectations nor did she ever wish to have something you couldn't offer her. Actually, she was the one ready to give all of herself to you.
She just wanted to be there for you. She wanted to be part of your life. She wanted to be a person you would find comfort in, she wanted you to know that you had her, day and night. When it came to you, she was selfless with how much she gave herself to you. By the end of the day, you didn't grant her that wish either.
She wanted to love you.
She wanted you to be the person to whom she would give her love to. She chose you over everything and everybody. She wanted to kiss you when you were sad, she wanted to hear what went wrong when you were mad, and when you were frustrated she wanted to listen and help you to get better. She was your person, but you were never really hers. You never allowed her to get close enough to let you feel what she felt.
She knew all your flaws, but she still valued them as much as your strengths.
She never expected you to be extraordinary. She never wanted you to be something you weren't. She accepted you just like that, just the way you were. She wasn't blind, she was perfectly aware of your flaws, but she still valued them as much as your strengths. She knew you were just a human and with all your flaws and all your mistakes, you were still perfect to her.
She should be next to you now, but she isn't.
Even though she wanted to stay, you pushed her away.
Truth be told, even though she is a good girl and she utterly cares about you, she wasn't able to stay. She wanted to, but you gave her no reason to stay. She couldn't continue bringing herself down just so she could keep you up. Down the road of giving you everything and getting nothing in return, she realized that sometimes you have to take care of yourself and sometimes you have to give up on love even when it's not what you really want to do. So she left.
But she didn't leave willingly, you pushed her away. You pushed her away by not telling her how much you loved her, you pushed her away by not appreciating her efforts, by not valuing all the things she did for you two. You pushed her away by always choosing others before her. ( I added emphasis on this)
There is no excuse for what you did to her.
You can't blame it on your past and you can't blame it on anyone else. You lost a good girl and this one is on you. You broke her. You never gave her what she deserved and all she ever wanted was to be in your life. You just needed to move and make a spot for her, but even that was too much to ask.
She was one of a kind and you let her slip away.
You should've loved her. You should've appreciated her. But you didn't. And that's why you don't have her anymore. When you showed her she had no place in her life, when you gave her nothing, she pulled herself together and she had enough dignity to walk away. But don't ever blame it on her. Because she didn't just walk away. A girl like her doesn't just walk away like that, you pushed her away.
But don't stress about it. She couldn't stay yours forever.
One day, you will no longer have a place in her heart because there will be someone out there who'll notice her. Who'll be able to see her for all she is. Someone who'll value her and treat her the way she deserves. But you'll never find anyone like her again. She was a once in a lifetime opportunity. And you missed it.