Easter message

I checked the family Facebook page for the Kubasiaks, the family who lost two children in an auto accident. Their oldest survived the accident and is recovering. Here is a poem the dad wrote:

I hid some eggs today, just in case
Some along the window sills, one in the vase
Been hiding eggs you see for 18 years
But today I hide them fighting back the tears
Angelic voices sing though to calm me down
Voices so familiar that I spun around, voices sweet with harmony
What a triumphant sound

We hear them every day you know as we see their smiles
We believe they're home in paradise but all the while,
We would have rather had them here with us for another hundred years
To hold them close, to love them, to calm their fears

But reassured by the promise of Easter day we look heaven bound
Like Christ our loved ones are free and soaring high, not in the ground
And next year I'll hide the eggs again but no one else will see
Yes I'll hid them Annie, for you and me and for Emily.

HAVE A BLESSED EASTER, EVERYONE, LOVE THE KUBASIAKS

Elisabeth Elliott

I came across a quote from Elisabeth Elliott, so I looked her up to see what books she has written, etc. I found out she just died last year in 2015. I thought she died a long time ago for some reason. I read that her husband was killed when he was a missionary which she wrote a book about it. Here is her quote and I will record the titles of the books I would like to read of hers.

If it is God's will you want more than anything in the world, it's going to mean endurance.

Books:
Tract-Facing the Death of Someone You Love
Through Gates if Splendor
A Path Through Suffering
Discipline: The Glad Surrender
The Path of Loneliness
Be Still My Soul
These Strange Ashes:  Is God Still in Charge?
Savage, My Kinsman

Note to self: I thought I had a quote from her already, but it was Elizabeth Edwards

DNA

In one of Rick Warren's messages, he mentioned something about how it doesn't matter what your parents were like, if they were good or bad parents, etc. God just wanted their DNA to make you.
 I think it was in one of the messages that touched on grieving your past losses but I don't remember-I just remembered I wanted to record that idea. It would be more helpful in the context of the message, but I don't know which one it was related to and why I didn't write it down. It's a lovely thought though and explains a lot.

A Gift

This is from another post from the Scribbles & Crumbs Facebook page project called #OnComingAlive. I've posted other things from this. They are all stories from grieving mothers who are finding hope in their heartache. This lady struggled with infertility and lost three children. I didn't find that the whole story applied, but there are bits and pieces that are helpful.

(Talking about grief): "Does it get better?" she asks. I know she's hoping I will say that it does.
"It gets different," I respond.

The only evidence I have of my three children are black and white pictures from our infertility clinic. The photos show three blobs of 8 cells; and they are my children.

My children I parent from afar.

A grief journey that many will never understand or even try to understand.

A journey that has changed my life so much that I can say I am actually learning to trust it. I am honored God chose my husband and me to be their parents, if only in so much as forever wondering about them and getting that one grainy black and white picture.

(My own note: I am so thankful that I have SO much more of you than that!I feel bad for this lady though.)

Because so much has been born of them.

Without them I would not have fought my way out of darkness. Without them I would not have changed my entire life to become the incredible woman living the life I never dreamed today. Without them, my legacy would have been much different.

Because God chose me to be their mother, I found my place in His story.

Because I am their mother, I defined my own happy ending through my longing joy, in what I call the complicated gray.

The complicated gray is the muck we must walk into, the space between the happiness and the anger, the trust and the loss, the worry and the acceptance, the joy and the longing. Because when I give myself permission to feel it all, to walk into the complicated gray, life awakens in color.

And in that color I have painted a life redefined, a life of coming alive.

Alive in (she lists many things)

Alive in deeper and healthier relationships.

Alive in breaking the silence.

Alive in changing the conversations.

Alive in helping others.

Alive in birthing a rare kind of parenthood.

Ends with:  "You are a gift," she finally breaks the silence.

"I have become a gift because of them."

by Justine Brooks Froelker

Perfect peace

Yesterday I was stressing about money, Dad's job, etc. I prayed for perfect peace but I didn't specify about what. I woke up today feeling incredible, and I don't think it's just from the two shots of Nyquil I took last night. I think I actually received the gift of perfect peace in general. I will let you know if this lasts-Praise God for even a few hours of it so far! It's amazing! You're amazing too-I love you!

Cross Walk

On Good Friday last week, I participated in a Cross Walk uptown that Jeanette Brenner from the Methodist Church organized. The idea was to carry a cross around town and stop at different places to pray, like for the grieving/dying at the funeral home, fire department, church, city hall, etc.
   Many different denominations and churches were represented and I realized when I was with them that as long as we all love Jesus and are saved, all of us in that group would be going to heaven. I know that's a simple thought, but I always thought that our church and the way we viewed things was the only right way. There are churches, for example, that I know are ok with gay marriage, drinking, etc. Those things are sinful, but as long as you believe and accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you can still go to heaven.
   I guess I realized that God isn't not going to let someone in because of a technicality or flaw in their belief system. As long as someone knows that Jesus is the way and accepts His gift of salvation, the other stuff is secondary. I mean, there are definitely things that believers do that aren't Biblical, but those aren't going to keep someone out of heaven if they believe.
  We are flawed as human beings. That's why we needed a Savior. I don't think God is going to be that nit-picky about what church we went to, how we behaved, etc. I mean it's important to try to be like Christ, but He knows we are all at different points with that. I don't think he wants to make it that hard and keep everybody out. All we have to do is accept His free gift of salvation. Amen!

After thought: It's weird, I feel like I have more assurance that you're in heaven right now and I get nervous sometimes that maybe I won't make it there. I guess because I still have time to make sure, etc. How many times though do I have to make sure? I guess it's still a little scary until you're actually there. That would be a costly mistake. I guess because I'm the only one who can decide that for myself.

A new box to check

Hope had a health form at home that she needed filled out for water polo, even though I thought I turned everything in. She was reading through the questions and checking "yes" or "no" and there was an interesting question that we now have to check "yes" on. Here it is:

Section heading: Your family's heart health questions

Has any family member or relative died of heart problems or had an unexpected or unexplained sudden death before age 50 (including drowning, unexplained car accident or sudden infant death syndrome?)

That was very interesting to me.

Another coincidence

I just remembered that Taryn and Buddy were in the Chicago area at the time of your accident and were able to turn around and come back after they heard about your accident. They were there from day one. It's probably good that they weren't all the way in New York or New Jersey, which is about an 8-hour drive away.

Safe and Sound

This song always reminds me of you now. Hope used it for a water polo video for the banquet when you were a Junior because it's a good song and because it was played a lot at games. Here it is:

Safe and Sound by Capital Cities

I could lift you up
I could show you what you wanna see
And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck
Even if the sky is falling down
I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound

I could fill your cup
You know my river won't evaporate
This world we still appreciate

You could be my luck
Even in a hurricane of frowns
I know that we'll be safe and sound

Safe and sound
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound
We're safe and sound
Hold your ground
Safe and sound

I could show you love
In a tidal wave of mystery
You'll still be standing next to me

You could be my luck
Even if we're six feet underground
I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound
Safe and sound
Hold your ground
Safe and sound

I could lift you up
I could show you what you want see
And take you where you wanna be

You could be my luck
Even if the sky is falling down
I know that we'll be safe and sound

(Repeats here and there)

Prejudice

Dad introduced a new concept to me that I had heard about here and there but never really thought about too much. He is trying to start a new program at his work where he gives back some of his earnings from every transaction to a charity like Poured Out, ChadTough, etc. I thought it was a good idea when I heard more about it, not only because it's a nice thing to do and a way to honor you, but also to make him stand out from the many mortgage companies.
   Initially, Concord was on board and Dad was meeting with different realtors about it. However, Dad's manager got a call from a realtor who was unhappy about the program and said they weren't going to do business with NOIC in the future because of it. Some of the reasoning behind it was because death is "uncomfortable" which Rob (Dad's manager) agreed with. I thought about that one for a long time. Is it uncomfortable just in the fact that it happened to us or talking about it? We didn't choose this to happen. We don't like it either. We can't do anything about it.
    I guess I can understand why they asked Dad to not include the "haydenstrongforever" hashtag on his work emails. They probably don't want to be associated with anything, like if he posted a Christian saying or something or something political. But they were focused on how the whole situation has negative connotations. Yes, death is negative. Sorry. I guess I just don't know even what it is I'm trying to figure out.
   It feels like discrimination or something. That somebody would not do a mortgage with Dad because it's uncomfortable for them knowing that you died or something. It's hard for me to comprehend that, especially on this side of the death. I know I probably felt uncomfortable when other people lost children, like the Ledfords and the Brenners, like I didn't know them well enough to know what to say right away. I think that's different though. I don't think I would have shunned them and not want to do business with them if that was an option. I don't know.
   It just made me think of when we go anywhere, if people feel awkward around us or think it's weird if we laugh at something or smile, etc. What are we supposed to do though? Not do anything? Not go anywhere? Not live anymore? Believe me, there are days when I would rather not do anything, and to tell the truth, if it weren't for Hope and Carter, I probably wouldn't. I just hope it's not dishonoring to you. I know you wouldn't think so. You would want us to go on.
  It will be interesting to discuss this in the group at Ele's Place tonight. The bottom line is, we can't control other's opinions. I admit that sometimes Dad goes overboard on Facebook when he's feeling really sad about you and posts lots of videos and old pictures, but I guess if people don't want to see that, they can unfriend him or something. I don't know. It's just a whole new weird aspect on everything. I will keep you posted. Love you!
  

Love You Too

I was thinking last night that I needed to have a dream about you and I did! We were at Deborah Nkanga's wedding (that was weird). It was in some theater thing where the seats were all on an angle and the "stage" was below us. I had a special dress on that someone bought for me. The wedding was going on, etc. and you were down there but you weren't in the wedding. You were just down there in shorts and a t-shirt and you looked up at me and said, "I love you." Thank you for that!

Loss Can Make Us More

This is part of the Scribbles & Crumbs project called #OnComingAlive which I have posted from before. 

"It is therefore not true that we become less through loss--unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness we can still find the light. In death we can also find life. It depends on the choices we make."
-Jerry Sittser, "A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss"

Days after my first son died, a book arrived. A dear friend, not knowing how to comfort the broken, devastated woman I had become in just the few hours my son lived and died, sent me Jerry Sittser's A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss.

Frankly, I didn't want to grow. I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to kill myself, but...I certainly did not want to live one minute longer.

After years of infertility and failed adoption attempts, and finally, a perfect pregnancy achieved with the help of IVF, the beautiful child my husband and I prayed for for over 11 years unexpectedly and shockingly died the day after it was born.

And I wanted to die with him.

For weeks, I was near catatonic. I went through the motions of breathing and day-to-day life and still? In my head, I plotted how I'd die.

I would just stop eating. It would make sense--a bereaved mother so traumatized that she just withered away...But this book came. And, in desperate attempt to make meaning of the most horrific thing I'd ever known, I began to read it.

I began to realize that my pain, while great, was not isolated. This world was so full of pain that I could only get on my knees at night and give thanks that the pain of so many others was NOT my pain. I began to understand that there is nothing special about me and loss...nothing that makes me immune to pain and suffering and grief any more than anyone else. But what I learned, through the camaraderie of others who'd walked this path of devastation, was that loss did not have to define me.

I could always be Matthew's mother but I did not always have to be a shattered mother. I could live a life that was marked by sorrow, but encompassed by joy. I could take the heartache our family was given and allow it to destroy me or I could allow my grief to settle in my bones, reminding me every rainy day that it was there, and I needed to take it easy, but never taking my life over so I was continually crippled with the pain.

I chose to believe as Jerry Sittser did--that the seemingly 'randomness' of my tragedy was a very bad chapter of the most amazing and beautiful book--authored by God Himself. I did not want to believe this just to survive...I chose to believe this because I wanted to thrive.

The loss of my sons (I lost another baby boy, Trey, two-and-a-half years after Matthew died) absolutely changed the woman I was before I was before they lived and died. I'd be lying if I said that all the lessons I've learned and gifts I've been given in the aftermath was worth their lives. Nothing, nothing on this earth is worth that.

But I'd also be lying if I said that their lives, however brief, and more, their deaths, heartbreaking as they were, have not inspired me to live every day with the desire to thrive and not just survive.

To me, there is a big difference in living and being alive. If our hearts beat and our lungs fill with air? We are alive. To live, though? To truly and fully live this life and thrive in it? It's a conscious choice I gratefully and joyfully make every day--a privilege I don't take for granted and an honor to make in memory of my sons.

-Lori Mullins Ennis, Still Standing magazine

He Writes the Best Stories

This was on Mrs. Carnes' (Jael's) Facebook page last week. She shared a post from someone else's page (Matt Herbster) I teared up a few times when I read the end of it, but I was able to copy it down today. Here is most of it:


Three years ago today, Julie won the victory. Her faith became sight! She made me promise to never say she "lost her battle" with cancer. I remember her saying, "Dying, for the Christian, is never losing!" Jesus died and rose again and conquered death so we might live again. I'll see Julie again. I hurt today because I miss her, but I rejoice today because of salvation through Jesus alone that allows Julie to live forever with Him! I rejoice in His goodness.

(paragraph on update on his kids)

God has been good to me. My first wife is with her Lord. My children are doing well. I'm married to an amazing woman who shows me the love of Christ in her non-stop servant's heart. Never doubt God's plans. He always writes the best stories.

Psalm 40:5
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which you have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.

"Getting Through What You're Going Through" notes (Stage 5-Sanctification) by Rick and Kay Warren

Transformed by Trouble
Stage 5-Sanctification

God's #1 purpose in your life is to make you like Jesus.

From the very beginning God decided that those who came to him--all along he knew who would--should become like his Son.  (Romans 8:29)

God wants us to grow up...like Christ in everything. (Ephesians 4:15)

We look at the Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. (Colossians 1:15)

Then God said, 'Let us make human beings in our image and likeness. (Genesis 1:26)

WHAT GOD USES TO MAKE YOU LIKE JESUS
1.  God uses His Spirit
2.  God uses His Word
3.  God uses other people
4.  God uses problems (pressure, pain, suffering)

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going...

Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in us...

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.  (2 Corinthians 4:8-18)

Don't be bewildered or surprised when you go through the fiery trials ahead, for this is no strange, unusual thing that is going to happen to you.  (1 Peter 4:12)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son. (Romans 34:18)

We know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character... (Romans 5:3-4)

We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him. (Romans 8:17)

HOW SHOULD I RESPOND?
1.  Remember God's plan is good
     Our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an
     immeasurably great glory that will last forever!  (2 Corinthians 4:17)

2.  Rejoice and give thanks
     Give thanks IN all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  (1Thess. 5:18)
     Rejoice in the Lord always.  (Philippians 4:4)

3.  Refuse to give up
     ...let the process go on until all your endurance is fully developed, and you will find that you have
    become men of mature character...with no weak spots.  (James 1:3-4)

Personal notes:
everything will make more sense knowing this (that purpose in life is to become more like Jesus)
Like Father, like Son
The fruit of the spirit
sanctification-become like Jesus
putting you in opposite situation
to teach love-puts you with hard to love people
to teach joy-times of sadness
joy is internal
to teach peace-times of stress and conflict
to teach patience-be forced to wait
Every problem has a purpose
We are transformed by our troubles
Other people mean it for bad, but God uses it for good
expect problems in this world
everything on earth is broken
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
-God's will always done in heaven, rarely happens on earth
God was there the same way he His son died as when your son died
even out of brokenness, God can bring good
God could've kept His Son off the cross but He had a greater plan
    

Mother Teresa Quote about love

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

Serenity Prayer-full version

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.    Amen

Getting Through What You're Going Through notes (Stage 4-Surrender)by Rick and Kay Warren

Surrender: The Path To Peace
REVIEW
IN SHOCK-cry out to God, let others help me
IN SORROW-you go through it, not around it
                     -list the losses you never grieved
                     -identify what is really lost
                     -ask Jesus to heal my broken heart
IN STRUGGLE-learn to lament in the Biblical way (feel angry)
Complain:  tell God what I think is unfair or painful
Appeal to God's nature
Remind God of what He has said (promises)
Express my total trust in God

Everything written in the Scriptures was written to teach us, in order that we might have HOPE (Romans 15:4)

SURRENDER-pathway to peace
David's Loss Of A Child-1 Samuel 12:16-24
David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. the leaders of the nation pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused. Then on the seventh day the baby died. David's advisers were afraid to tell him. 'He was so broken up about the baby being sick,' they said. 'What will he do to himself when we tell him the child is dead?' But when David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. 'Is the baby dead?' he asked. 'Yes,' they replied. (2 Samuel 12:16-19)

(God didn't spare His Own Son or David's son who was a man after God's own heart)

STEPS OF SURRENDER
1. Accept what cannot be changed.
    David said, 'I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I thought perhaps the Lord would be
    gracious and let the child live. But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back
    again?    (2 Samuel 12:22-23)
2. Not the end of the story/belief
    I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me. (2 Samuel 12:23b)
    One day closer to reuniting every day
    We can't see heaven from here-help my unbelief
3. Take care of yourself
    Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes.
    (2 Samuel 12:20a)
    participate in life again
    can grieve and live simultaneously
4. Refocus on God through worship
    Then he went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord.(2 Samuel 12:20b)
    I tried to understand all this, but it was too hard for me to see until I went to the Temple of God.
   Then I understood... (Psalm 73:16-17)
   quietness, stillness
   safe place
5. Do something productive
    After that, he returned to the palace and ate. (2 Samuel 12:20c)
    palace-place of productivity
    don't have to stop mourning in order to start moving-requires faith
6. Keep on loving even in your pain
    Then David comforted Bathsheba, his wife, and slept with her. She became pregnant and gave
    birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. (2 Samuel 12:24)
    Love=pain, pain deepens love
    We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our
    lives for our brothers and sisters. (1 John 3:16)

Personal notes:
The death of a son or daughter is one of the hardest losses to deal with in your life
In a pit, can't get out of it
Grief gets us through transitions in life
Losses you've never grieved
Let go of pain
Everyone has bad things happen to them
Three choices: destroy you, define you, develop you
Minds reject shocking news
Acceptance-doesn't mean you stop caring, it doesn't hurt, it's good
*What do I need to accept that's over in my life?*
Beauty from ashes-how is the question
Mystery pot of questions
God will not let ashes be the end of the story
reference to A Grace Disguised book:
Think of past-loved one there
Hard to envision a future without them
Limbo land-stay in present
nagging sense of guilt-forgetting or neglecting loved one?
The future is the Lord's
Temptation-to turn away from God
not long-term responses/solutions
THIS GOD
2 Corinthians 5:7-walk by faith, not by sight
step out on it, holds you up, more we trust
Take a step of faith
Redirect your love
What you've got left
Mother Theresa, paradox of love: If you love until it hurts then there can be no more hurt, only more love
Whole serenity prayer (look up)

   

Getting Through What You're Getting Through notes (Stage 3-Struggle) by Rick and Kay Warren

Struggle: When Life Makes No Sense
Because you (sinned)...all your life you will struggle (Genesis 3:17)

LIFE IS A STRUGGLE
Jacob's Example

-We struggle with other people
  Jacob struggled:
   with his brother, two wives, in-laws and 12 sons
-We struggle with ourselves
  I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do
  very thing I hate...No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't...
  But there is a law at work within me that is at war with my mind. (Romans 7:15-23)
-Our real struggle is with God
  As a man Jacob struggled with God.  (Hosea 12:3b)
  JACOB'S WRESTLING MATCH
  Jacob sent his family across the Jabbok River but he stayed behind, alone. That night, a Man came 
  and wrestled with him until daybreak. When the Man saw that he wasn't winning the struggle, he hit
  Jacob on the hip, and it was thrown out of joint. The Man said, 'Let me go; daylight is coming.'
  Jacob said I WON'T LET GO UNTIL YOU BLESS ME.'

  The Man asked 'What is your name? 'Jacob,' he replied. The man said, 'Your name will no longer
  be Jacob. You have STRUGGLED WITH GOD and with men, and you have WON; so your name
  will be ISRAEL.'

    Jacob:  "deceiver/manipulator"        Israel:  "struggled with God/Prince with God"

  Then God blessed him there. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, 'It is because I saw God face
  to face and yet my life was spared.'  (Genesis 32:23-30)

HOW TO WRESTLE WITH GOD AND GET BLESSED
1.  (C) Complain/Tell God what I think is unfair or painful
     Examples: Job, Heman, Jeremiah
2.  (A) Appeal/Appeal to God's nature
     Examples: Abraham, Moses, Hezekiah, David, Jehoshaphat
     His nature: God's love, power, character
3.  (R) Remind/Remind God of what He's said
     Then Jacob prayed, "O God of my grandfather Abraham and my father, Isaac-you told me to
     return to my land and to my relatives, and you promised to treat me kindly. I am not worthy
    of all the faithfulness and unfailing love...but O Lord, please rescue me from my brother, Esau.
    I am afraid that he is coming to kill me...But you promised to treat me kindly and to multiply
    my descendants...  (Genesis 32:9-12)
    remind of His promises, "You said..."
4.  (E) Express trust/Express my total trust in God
     Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him. (Job 13:15)
     Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; and even though
     the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; and even though the flocks die in the
     fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet will I still rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God
    of my salvation. The Sovereign Lord is my strength!  (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

My notes:
because sin has broken everything in the world
Why we struggle with God:
(1) We doubt His wisdom
(2) We want to be in control
no-win struggle--some problems never going away
God loves when we struggle with Him
  opposite of struggling is turning away
  wrestling-face to face encounter
  all about who's in control
When God asks a question, He already knows the answer
Jacob won
  changes identity, changing perspective
"It's just like me to be..."
He cares deeply about how we feel
1 Peter 5:7:  Casting all your cares...
Allows us to argue with Him
Lament-passionate complaint to God
complain to vs. complain about
65 of Psalms-laments
Pattern-CARE (above)
What are you tolerating in your life?
-complain to, not about
-in faith
Psalm 55:17
Job 13:15 Though He slay me, I will trust in Him
**Way you win-surrender**
All unanswered questions
give up control, God you're in control
Jacob limping because of hip
-strongest muscle in body
reminder to depend on God rest of life
(This hit me hard-it is again just to think about it. The biggest part of me-one third of me or all of me three times over-are my children. My heart will be disabled the rest of my life because of losing you. But that will remind me the rest of my life that God is in control and I need to totally depend on Him.)

Thursdays

I just found out by chance that Grammy only volunteers at the U of M Hospital on Thursdays. Isn't that amazing that she was there the day of your accident? If it had been any other day of the week, she wouldn't have been there. It just goes to show how God orchestrates everything.

Come Back

This was on the Facebook page today of I Am A Mother To An Angel

Come Back.
Even as a shadow,
Even as a dream.

-Euripedes

Time To Say Goodbye

I have always loved this song. I never knew what the English lyrics were though, because I have only heard it sung by Andrea Bocelli in Italian or instrumental versions of it.

Time To Say Goodbye

When I am alone and sit and dream
And when I dream the words are missing
Yes I know that in a room so full of light
That all the light is missing
But I don't see you with me, with me
Close up the windows, bring the sun to my room
Through the door you've opened
Close inside of me the light you see
that you met in the darkness

Time to say goodbye
Horizons are never far
Would I have to find them alone
without true light of my own with you
I will go on ships over seas
that I now know
No, they don't exist anymore
It's time to say goodbye

When you were so far away
I sit alone and dream of the horizon
Then I know that you are here with me,
with me
Building bridges over land and sea
Shine a blinding light for you and me
To see, for us to be

Time to say goodbye
Horizons are never far
Would I have to find them alone
without true light of my own with you
I will go on ships over seas
that I now know
No, they don't exist anymore
It's time to say goodbye

so with you I will go
on ships over seas
that I now know
No, they don't exist anymore
It's time to say goodbye

so with you I will go...

I love you

(The lyrics weren't as sad as I thought. They're beautiful)

The Scientist

I thought I had already recorded these lyrics, but I guess not. I want to go back to the start. You are one of the only things I would want to do all over again.

The Scientist by Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Trouble

This song is by Coldplay and when it comes on, it makes me think you're saying this to me, but you were never trouble to me. I never noticed all of the spider/spider web references, but oh, well.

Trouble by Coldplay

Oh, no, I see
A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said,

Oh, no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well, if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh, no, I see
A spider web, and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,
Singing out...

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well, if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no, I never meant to do you harm/

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

Thank God for you

Someone posted this for David Rhoads who just lost his wife Leslee Neithammer to cancer a few weeks ago:

Even though life is not the same without our loved one, we have to thank God for the time that we had with them, for the love they gave to us and for the memories we have of them.

Getting Through What You're Going Through-Part 3 Notes (Stage 2-Sorrow) by Rick and Kay Warren

Getting Through Life's Losses
Getting Through What You're Going Through-Part 2

What I've Learned About Grief

1. Loss is unavoidable but grief is a choice.
    There is no life without change
    There is no change without loss
    There is no loss without pain, but grief is a choice

2. Grief is healthy
    When Jesus saw Lazarus' sister sobbing, and saw how all those with her were crying also, his
    heart was touched; and he was deeply moved...Then Jesus started crying. 'See how much he loved
    Lazarus!' they said. (John 11:33-36)

Unhealthy reactions
Repression:  Unconsciously trying to block out painful thoughts
Suppression: Consciously trying to block painful thoughts

3.  God grieves with me!
    The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
  
4.  Grief is healed in community
     Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
    When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow. (Romans 12:15_
    Comparing never comforts

5.  Grief takes time
     There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven...a time to weep
     and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

Steps to Moving Forward
1.  List the losses I've never grieved
     Jesus said "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)
     Why don't we let ourselves grieve? Fear!
     Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with
     me. (Psalm 23:4)
    shadows-make things appear bigger than they are
 (I always thought of this verse as making light of death, that it was just the shadow of death, but    this makes it seem bigger than it is)
(On this topic, there have been so many losses I have never grieved-parents' divorce, parents' unloving treatment of me, my marital problems, financial problems. I just bypassed these things and lived with them as if there was nothing wrong with them. I need to deal with them and realize that these were wrong and sad and unfair!)

2.  Identify what I've really lost
     -grieve what was actually lost-stability, security, etc.

3.  Have the courage to lament
     A Lament:  a passionate expression of grief to God
     An act of worship that can include complaining to God
    God can handle your pain

4.  Ask Jesus to heal my broken heart
    The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who honor him. For he
    understands how weak we are. (Psalm 103: 13-14)
    Jesus: God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted... (Luke 4:18)

grief is key to spiritual growth
  not just death, many other losses
only healthy response to loss
painful
   Jesus grieved
weak men are afraid of showing their emotions
what makes you a human-grieving
God hates loneliness
who shows up, who doesn't
Don't get over grief, you get through it
  don't try to fix everybody, everything
Need to deal with losses in life or get stuck there
Lament
Grief is key to future blessings in life
unmourned losses-all still waiting there
**wherever there's a shadow, there's a light**
Best way to prepare for loved one's death is to prepare for your death


    

Hope's First Game

Hopie had her first water polo game tonight. She scored two goals! A ton of people came to watch-the Aulisas, the Calders, Aunt Gretchen, Grandma Elsie, Grammy and Grandfather, Uncle Jordan, Grandma Joonie and Gary, Mrs. Judge, Connor, Ellery, (there might have been more).
  She told me on the way home though that she started crying during the National Anthem (they taped Emily Manuell singing it) because you weren't there for her first game. I told her later on, "I think he was there." You wouldn't have missed it for anything!
   It was funny because I was thinking how insignificant your first game was because you had no idea what you were doing and we had no idea what water polo even was. Who knew then how much playing water polo would affect your life. The friends you made, the skills you developed-there are so many things. You paved the way for your sister and brother too simply by being willing to try something new.
   The thought has crossed my mind that maybe if you hadn't have been involved with water polo you would still be alive today since the accident happened on your way to coaching water polo. I don't think that's how it works. Water polo was your life. A big, happy part of it. You wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was part of who you were.
   You should have seen all of the boys in WWP last night after Hope's game. The pool was full! I took a picture-there were about 50 boys. You would have been so proud. I'm sure that you are part of the reason for drawing attention to the sport and the club. Thank God for you, Hayden Milton Smith! You blessed the world in so many ways! Water polo is part of your legacy. Your influence and impact will last for generations!

Story of Grief from Faithit

This was a really good article from the website Faithit. I'm debating over whether I should just take notes or write the whole article out. I think I will start with notes.

Title: Standing Over Her 'Little Man's' Grave, This Mom Made a Powerful Decision to Speak Up

"Grief is not discriminatory. It's like an ocean, it's always there, but it is not until the tide comes in that I feel overwhelmed by its presence."

"It's easy to focus solely on my pain and loss, to get swept up in the suffering and heartache and fall into a pit of self-pity, feeling alone and misunderstood."

"There came a day when I realized I had a choice. It happened to be while standing over my son's grave the day he was buried...I knew my only choice was to live, to share my 'taboo' and unspeakable story and to allow God to piece me back together as He saw fit. In His time, like only He could."

"My life has consisted of many layers, difficult chapters, and hard seasons, and it's ultimately up to me how long I allow each one to dictate me."

Grace makes us strong to bear trials, but we still have to bear them.  -Charles Spurgeon

"I now have to live with the reality that my son is no longer here in my arms due to a tragic accident."

"I prayed fervently as I held Will's almost lifeless body that he would be healed, believing with every ounce of my being that God could do it in that moment. I prayed a prayer of utter confidence in my God to do a miraculous work, to 'take this cup.' Yet I held the weight of his body in my arms for the very last time that tragic day."

"I lived the next few years clinging to God but also very disappointed and confused that He couldn't have just answered those cries for a miracle that day, to spare my family and me from this tragic fate. When I saw someone else's miracle and answered prayer I felt a sting of jealousy and my sorrow that much deeper. As awful as that may sound, it's true. Jealousy, bitterness, anger, and doubt, mixed with pain, grief and sorrow is quite the medicine for self-implosion if I kept brewing within."

"Then there was the moment that I finally realized my prayer was answered that day. Will was healed. Will was okay. Will IS healed and he IS okay. It just doesn't look like I had envisioned."

"God came near to me in that moment and every moment thereafter; the broken-hearted, just as His Word proclaims."  (I have found this to be so true since the day of your accident. Thank you God for being so near to me every moment!)

"God's faithfulness and character didn't change because my world was turned upside down. God is good ALWAYS. It's easy to shout that from the mountaintops of answered prayers and fulfilled dreams. But how about from the cemetery? Is He still good while I stand over my son's grave? Can I shout of His faithfulness even there?"

"Jehovah-Jireh. God provides. He sees the Big picture while I see and feel shattered hearts and dreams. He sees the beginning and end, while I see the here and now. My finite being cannot begin to comprehend His infinite being. I have to keep my eyes fixed on the cross."

(I'm pretty much quoting the whole article!)

"When the 'what-ifs' come flooding in like a tidal wave of destruction and the 'should-have's' won't seem to subside. When the 'could-have's' play in the forefront of my mind like a never ending picture. I have to trust and know that He is in control. He weeps with me. He predestined us all before time, knowing our beginnings and our last days. (Job 14:15) Though my time with Will will never seem like enough; He came and defeated death so that I and we may grieve with hope."

"This world is not my home. I can feel displaced some days as I yearn for the eternal place that has been prepared for me, but I know that as long as He puts life into my being, I have a purpose to fulfill. It will look different than anyone else's and that's okay because we are all unique and beautiful, knit together by a perfect God. Comparing and sizing myself up to other's callings and accomplishments won't gratify or enable me to run and finish my race or fulfill my purpose. There is purpose in my pain...And in yours, too."

"I'm learning that storms in life can ultimately quench a weary soul when endured in the right spirit. The realization of how temporary and fleeting this life is, is a special offering from Him to me. I don't have every question answered, and I don't need to. That's faith."

"...the reality of God being bigger and greater than this crushing pain is taking up permanent residence in my heart and mind as the years of yearning and grief have perpetuated. The constant ache can establish a desire for heaven that wouldn't exist without suffering."

"Romans 8:28 is a verse that has encouraged me at my darkest hour, a verse that I clung to when nothing made sense. ...I have declared its Promise over our loss since day 1. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

"It doesn't say 'some things' or 'most things', my loss isn't out of the realm or grasp of this promise. So I stored it in my broken heart and frazzled mind, knowing that He would make good on this promise in my life."

"I cannot sit here today and claim that Will not being here is 'good.' I cannot say that I wouldn't change what happened if I could. But I can say that through this suffering I have seen God do and work some pretty miraculous things. He has strengthened me on days that I just couldn't, and people now know Him who didn't before. He has used me to help the suffering and poor in spirit, just as He used so many others while I was downcast. That's what this community is for."

"We cannot allow the pain to overshadow the promise. Beauty will rise from the ashes of our broken dreams and we will come alive in the midst of devastation."

"Though our losses here seem so concrete and those we love are irreplaceable, it's not permanent. When despair rears its ugly face, know that there is hope that can't be extinguished in Christ."

"Life is Goodbye Life is Hello" notes by Alla Bozarth-Campbell

I didn't have a lot of notes from this book from Ele's Place, but there were some good things in it:

grieved-injured, heavily burdened

-lost a part of my own self

shock-protecting us against reality of hurt, lest it be too great to bear

similarity between journal and journey

It won't last forever

If winter comes, can spring be far behind?

Goodbye means "God be with you"

The expression of gratitude is always a graceful way to say goodbye, even to a part of ourselves: "I bless you, I release you."

Time offers us the eternal present of possibility

Every loss creates a space where something new and wonderful may happen

"Suffering itself has no value; it is the use that one makes of suffering, through attitude and action, that can have value. Although suffering teaches nothing, I can decide to teach myself through suffering. I can teach myself to become more human and loving, more honest and powerful. Living through desperation and despair with courage and honesty can prepare us to be more understanding of and compassionate toward ourselves and others, more discerning of the difference between avoidable and unavoidable suffering, more determined to eradicate the former from our lives. Above all, through loss experiences we can teach ourselves a new kind of joy--one which is large enough to contain our pain and to transform it into a new kind of power, the power to make us whole."

"The more meaning whatever is lost had for you, or the more of yourself and your life or time you invested in it, the more meaning, the more of yourself, the more life and time will go into the healing."

-some cling to pain as a link to what was lost (Dad)

"This is altogether different from selfish clinging to pain for reasons of self-pity, masochism or to gain attention from others." (Dad)

"To all of you who are now grieving:
Take as long or as short a time as you need. Become an active agent of your own life again. Discover the art of possibility. The tools are your own creativity and faith. You have it all within you. You can do what you need to do to be healed."

Your Love Oh Lord

Yesterday your cousin Melissa posted a video of herself on Facebook singing this song for us. It's by Third Day. There are very few lyrics, but it's based on Psalm 36 which I looked up as well. Neither the song nor the Psalm has a lot of meaning to me right now, but I thought I would record the words of both.

Your Love Oh Lord

Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide
I will lift up my voice
To worship you, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings

(When I start to type things and they're not in the right place, where do they go? Just wondering!)

Psalm 36

Man's Wickedness and God's Perfections
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David the servant of the Lord.

An oracle within my heart concerning the transgression of the wicked:
There is no fear of God before his eyes.
For he flatters himself in his own eyes,
When he finds out his iniquity and when he hates.
The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit;
He has ceased to be wise and to do good.
He devises wickedness on his bed;
He sets himself in a way that is not good;
He does not abhor evil.

Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavensl
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the great mountains;
Your judgements are a great deep;
O Lord, You preserve man and beast.

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.
They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.
For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.

Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You,
And Your righteousness to the upright in heart.
Let not the foot of pride come against me,
And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away.
There the workers of iniquity have fallen;
They have been cast down and are not able to rise.

Scribbles & Crumbs Overload

I came across the Facebook page for Scribbles & Crumbs and I wanted to write down every post! I have to admit, they are much more encouraging than I Am a Mother to an Angel. Some of those are just depressing! I might add to this later, but here are some good ones:

Great grief is the product of great love. And like love, grief has the capacity to grow. There won't ever be a day when you're not grieving, but that doesn't mean you are sentenced to a lifetime of misery.  -Franchesca Cox

You are a part of me, a part that will never leave. My memory could never erase you, nor the pain of your absence nor the joy of your existence. You are within me, carried within my heart, the undercurrent of my thoughts, the inspiration of my days.  -Lexi Behrndt

The hole never gets any smaller--instead my life grows larger around it.

The hole never closes--instead, it's become part of the fabric of my existence.

The hole never disappears--instead, it holds her place.  -Mandy Hitchcock


**Note-there was a link to a Facebook page called Hayden's Hope on one of the quotes. I checked it out and there were stories of little kids with heart transplants**

So I made a choice. I chose to wake up every day and search for my son in the beauty of the little things. The everyday things that are often overlooked. I chose to spread his love through the world like a blanket and wrap it around everyone I possibly could.  -Jessi Snapp

Even when it doesn't make sense, and even when you feel like the smallest person in the world. Even when you feel incapable and unqualified and it doesn't seem fathomable that you could make it through another day. Even when you think the world would be better off if you found a deep, dark hole to take up residence in and hide. Even when you're paralyzed by fear and unworthiness.

Even in those moments, this is the story you've been given, and with it, no matter how bruised and battered it may be, you have something to offer the world.    -Lexi B.

I have never felt more beautiful, capable, strong, wrecked and broken down. Everything is now magnetized. Yes, my sorrow is great, but there is also something magical that has occurred: my joy is greater, my hope is wider, my gratitude is deeper, my fear is falling away.   -Michaela Evanow

Alive. Broken and bruised, scars lining every visible part, her smile full, her eyes old. But her heart. Oh, her heart. Richer with compassion. Fuller from being broken. Inspired by loving someone more than this life. Truer from the memory of kissing them goodbye. She was mending. There would still be pain, to be sure. There would still be an ache for their presence, but in her heart, there was also more. There was gladness. She was rising from the ashes. She was coming alive. more alive than ever before.  -Lexi B.

Death is never the end, in more ways than one. Because now I can see that love echoes on long after one life ends, calling out from each grieving heart to the one they miss and falling on the ears of everyone around. This love, channeled, can mend broken, beating hearts, can move mountains, and has the power to change the world.   -Lexi B.

It's not over. The hard days have become less frequent, but still come with the same intensity with which they came in the beginning. But there is joy again. It has gotten easier to breathe.
-Kristin Hernandez

While a piece of my heart will always be missing, God gave me the desire to breathe again, hope again, find joy again, and live again.

For me, coming alive again began the day He spoke to my heart.  -John M. Ennis

Grief Never Ends

This was posted on Facebook by Aunt Brenda from "Scribbles & Crumbs" which I have posted from before I think.

As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle, and some days will feel sharp. But grief will last as long as love does--forever. It's simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede, once again. It's all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow and joy, pain and sweet love.

Record Breaker

Last night at Bandorama, we were sitting with Mrs. Brenner and Dad told her that he ran into Rev. Tuttle at OfficeMax (the pastor of the Methodist Church where your service was). He said they learned some things from your service, because it was the biggest service they've ever had at their church. What they learned was to have screens out in the lobby area so people could see what's going on in the service if they are unable to fit in the sanctuary.
   You are so loved, sweet boy. People packed that church to show their love for you. I think that made me a little bit proud, even though that seems weird to say. Love you so much!

You're A Sky Full of Stars

I don't know why I never wrote these lyrics down. This song always makes me think of you. When Hope made her water polo video for the banquet when you were a senior, this is the song she used. It used to make me tear up when I heard it because I missed water polo, but now it makes me miss you when I hear it. Luckily, I hear it all the time. Not that I need a reason to miss you.

A Sky Full Of Stars (Coldplay)

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I'm gonna give you my heart
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
'Cause you light up the path

I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I saw you

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I wanna die in your arms
'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I'm gonna give you my heart

I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I see you
I think I see you

'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
Such a heavenly view
You're such a heavenly view

Joey Feek

I followed her story since she it was announced that she had terminal cancer. She was part of a country singing duet. One thing I read about her was that she lost a brother to an auto accident when he was 17. She died recently at the age of 40. She was a Christian whose dad was saved through this ordeal and she said if that was the only reason why she died when she did, it was worth it.
  I wanted to remember this quote from her husband's blog:

"As we were gathered around her, holding hands and praying...my precious bride breathed her last," he wrote. "And a moment later took her first breath on the other side."

Don't Blame Trucks

Ever since your accident, I would hate to see Silverados and notice how huge they were, knowing that your body was at the mercy of that huge grill, etc. I would always imagine your precious little head against that metal and it was horrifying.
   When I was in the car though this weekend and passed a truck (a Crop Production Services truck, no less), right before that truck turned in front of me, the song "Forever Young" came on the radio by Rod Stewart. I know that's the closest thing to my "Forever Young" by the Canadian Tenors which will never be on the radio, and it made me think of you.
   Anyway, for some reason, I started talking out loud to myself and about the accident, and realized that your head never came into contact with that truck. The truck caused the force which crunched your car and the A-pillar caving in on your head in the car, but it's not like you were a pedestrian and there was nothing between you and the front of that truck.  Also, the force of being spun around did more damage to you as well. Those forces can't be seen-they're invisible. They result in damage and consequences, but I don't think I need to glare at those trucks with such hatred and contempt anymore. I know the physical aspect of the truck caused damage, but it crushed your car which caused the damage to you. You were still in your car and not open and exposed to the truck directly. I don't know why that makes me feel better about trucks, but I guess that's a good thing.
   This made me think of a verse in Colossians (I almost typed "Collisions" by mistake). Well these weren't exactly what I was remembering, but they are close:

Colossians 1:16:  For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him.

Ephesians 6:12:  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness, in the heavenly places.

It was a physical force of nature, related to the physical make-up of the truck, but there (I just thought of the picture of your car from the police report and realized that it was worse than from the crash itself since they had to extricate you from the vehicle.) Why are these things making me feel better? You still died from the accident! What could be worse than that? Your suffering is worse than that. You being in any kind of pain at all is worse than that. God spared you that suffering. His Own Son wasn't even spared that. Oh, how He loves us. Praise His Holy Name!

Peace Still Here

Even since the last post and a horrible weekend with Dad home, I am happy to report that the peace I had from last week is still here. The heavy weight of sadness has lifted quite a bit. I still feel "bummed" about the accident, but it's not as awful. I am thankful for that.
    Hope and Carter continue to amaze me with their strength and positive outlook. Dad continues to amaze me at how horrible he is handling all of this. I totally believe that he picks fights on Sunday mornings to have an excuse not to go to church. It's like, fine if you don't want to go, but why do you have to yell and scream at everyone else and make a big scene? The worst part about him not going this week is that Pastor asked him specifically to take part in the service for the new church plant in Howell. He said that his prayer wouldn't have been heard because since we are "one" and we are fighting that God wouldn't hear his prayer anyway. How ridiculous is that? So everyone has to have absolutely no sin going on in their life every time they pray? That's not even possible. So God doesn't hear the prayers of a divorced person? Of course, he defended that because he says they ask forgiveness. He makes no sense!
   The fight was about taking two cars to church. Taking two cars works-I have tried to comply and go back to just taking the one, but something always comes up and we wish we had the second car. Dad thinks it would be beneficial to go "as a family" which I did for 15 years and ended up having an argument in the car every time. Dad's rebuttal to that was that I am the one who always argues-how can one person argue? I am also remembering how when I worked at Target on the weekends, I asked to not have to drive so I could sleep on the way, but that didn't change. I still ended up having to drive when he couldn't get up for Sunday School, etc. I can't yo-yo back and forth like he does. I grew accustomed to driving again just to make sure Carter made it to Sunday School, etc. so we wouldn't be late every week, etc. Plus I now have a Sunday School class to teach.
  Another one of Dad's "points" was that it was a waste of gas, so poor stewardship. (Does he know how much money he has "wasted" over the years?) I used to point that out when we had less money, but he didn't care then. And then after not going, he and Grandma Elsie "wasted gas" driving all over to three cemeteries to be depressing and visit graves.
   Also, when we were going to take two cars, he insisted that the kids ride with him because he never sees them. Yet, when he took off for the day, he was away from them for hours and hours. I'm recording this to remind myself of how he makes no sense.
  To top that off, he texted us all a picture of some red liquid in the driveway from the van, insisting that is unsafe to drive. This was a total afterthought and was not part of his original argument at all.
  I didn't mean for this to be a rant on Dad, but maybe it's good I recorded this because I still managed to retain my peacefulness throughout all of this nonsense. Just so you know, on Friday I told Dad that I didn't see anything changing in our marriage when he is unwilling to change and I am unwilling to change. I basically said I give up. I wasn't suggesting any changes right now with changing the living arrangements at all, but I just wanted to let him know where I was at. I have no interest in working on our marriage. And for some reason, I don't feel guilty about that like I do about other sins. He got back at me with that today by saying that I haven't worked on it for 20 years. Thanks a lot.
   Thanks for listening to this. I am sorry that you had to deal with this so much of your life. I don't know how much of it Dad laid on you. Now you're dead, and you're still hearing about it. No matter what happens, I love you! If I had to go through that to have you as a son, it was worth it! You're worth it! Love you so much! You taught me that life is too short to be unhappy. Thank you for that! Thank you for everything!

"The Mourning After" notes by Stanley P. Cornils

This was a short book from the Ele's Place, but very to-the-point and helpful

There Is Help For Your Grief

-only you can recover yourself

-"grief work"

Courage is not having the strength to go on; it's going on when you don't have the strength.

-you will never get over your loss but you can get through it

We Must Face It

admit to its presence

"When the world gave Jesus a cross, He accepted the worst thing that could ever happen to a man and transformed it into the greatest victory that has occurred in the world. He did not just bear the cross; He used it! And in so doing, He made it a symbol of glory and honor and victory with which we decorate our heroes."

-example of grain of sand inside of an oyster as a constant irritant, every year coated with film that becomes a pearl

 Grief Is An Emotion

"Death is one messenger to whom we cannot talk back."

The Work of Mourning

-we work our way through the various stages of grief

The Manifestations of Grief

-we control grief or it will control us

-have to learn to live with the problem

Acceptance

"There is an old story of an oak tree and a reed which grew close to each other on the side of a hill. One day the wind came with hurricane force, threatening to destroy them both. The oak stiffened its branches and prepared to fight, but the reed only quivered in terror. After the storm had passed, the oak lay uprooted on its side while the reed, uninjured, soon stood as straight and tall as ever. When the dying oak asked the reed what made the difference, the reed replied: 'I bent with the wind; I accepted it.'"

Expression or Suppression

-only remedy for grief is to grieve

Tears and Talk

-tears are helpful

"Our tears can be crystallized into lenses through which we can better see God's purpose for us and our loved one. God washes our eyes with tears so that we may see the otherwise invisible land where tears shall be no more."

"It is impossible not to mourn, but to mourn excessively is forbidden."

-excessive grief is seldom a genuine way of showing devotion to our departed loved one

-story of dream of girl in heaven in a pageant. Her candle wouldn't stay lit because her dad's tears kept putting it out

"It is natural for us to be disturbed, heartbroken and concerned when a loved one is taken from us. But to despair over much and to be unwilling to recognize God and the eternal life he gives us is both unwise and unhealthy. The sun always rises to shine through the clouds after the darkest night, but constant tears and lamenting will prevent us from seeing the light."

Emancipation

-this chapter started with saying it's the third step, so I will have to notice what the second and first ones were

-learning how to free ourselves from the bondage of the physical existence and coexistence with the loved one (this sounds really sad)
explanation: we must go over and over the memories of our loved one until we are sufficiently emancipated and free to go on and assume new relationships

-have to develop a new perspective, accept idea of living with a memory

-have to truly sever the relationship to set our loved one free and set our own selves free

-world of reality without our loved one

Readjustment

-sooner get back on feet in general, the better but take time to heal

You will never get over your grief, but you can get through it.

Guilt Feelings

-wrong-doing (I don't have any regrets, thank God!)

-if only's

Anger

-have to blame something or someone we feel

-anger is danger without the "D"

-"safety valves", like exercising, doing things with friends, etc.

Ambivalence

-hatred or resentment towards deceased (doesn't apply either, thank God!)

Abnormal Grief

"It is impossible not to mourn; but to mourn excessively is forbidden."  -The Talmud

-delayed reactions or change in conduct

-self-destruction

Religion and Grief

"Our faith will do much to determine how the traumatic experience of bereavement will affect us."

A person without faith has a greater handicap than one without feet.

"What we believe about the future, and how we anticipate a spiritual reunion with the departed, will determine the way we face up to sorrow and death. Those of us who have faith in God will find the mystery of death less perplexing because we believe that all of life and death are in the hands of God; this includes a belief in immortality and the conviction that we will be someday reunited with our loved ones."

-shouldn't come to faith after the fact as a soothing syrup or emotional anesthetic nor look upon religion as a means of safeguarding us from trouble

-religion already must be a part of our integral living (praise God I already had this!)

"However, religion in the life of one who has had experience in it can be a strong support in the time of sorrow; it can provide a light in the darkness of our disillusionment and despair; it can provide us with a source of power beyond human resources that will enable us to resolve a tragedy into a triumph and our sorrow into a sacrament."

"At a time like this we can sense the presence of God, as real and vital as breathing, and nearer than hands and feet. We will never know what it really means to walk with God in the deepest sense until we have walked with Him in the dark."

"God is the source of power and provides us with the strength for any situation."

"We, with God, can work this thing out together, for He will never leave us nor forsake us in our darkest hour."

-separation is still painful

"In a very real and effective way, our religion performs its most heroic feat as we stand beside the grave."

-God not punishing us by taking away our loved one

"They (the Biblical writers) saw the other side of the phenomenon, for they possessed the instrument of faith which enabled them to understand death."

"This doctrine (of resurrection) teaches us that death is not the end but is only a transition to another room in our Father's house. Our loved ones are not lost; rather, they have only gone before us. For them the experience is one of gain rather than of loss. They have been loosed and freed from the limitations of the flesh. They are 'absent from the body and present with the Lord.' (2 Corinthians 5:8)."

George MacDonald from The Hidden Life:  "death has two sides to it--one sunny and one dark, as this round world of ours is every day half sunny and half dark. We on the dark side call the mystery death; while they on the other, looking down in glad light, await the glad birth with other tears than ours."

"Our Christian faith makes death 'glorious and triumphant for through its portals we enter into the presence of the living God.'"

-people do watch us to see how we handle it as Christians

"We may never understand the reason why our loved one was taken from us, but the fact that God had a reason should comfort us and is better than if we were able to find a dozen reasons."

-God's permissive will

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.
-William James

"It would be easy for God to spare a life, but He performs a greater miracle when He changes our life attitude. When what seems to be a tragedy actually becomes a triumph, and when what is a farewell rite becomes a coronation, God has performed His great miracle of spiritual healing."

The Story

This will be a good chalkboard quote: 

Maybe it's not about the happy ending, maybe it's about the story.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful boy named Hayden...



Thought: tears represent unspeakable love

Jacob's Driving Letter

You had this in your car. Jake gave this to you when you turned sixteen. The print-out itself was in bad shape from being in your car in the tow yard, exposed to the elements, so I wanted to get a good copy of it.
                                        
                                       Merry Happy Jolly Birthday!
                You're not only sixteen, but you're SEXteen! You get to drive now! Maybe Some Nights you can drive out and see me on the weekend! But we both know that probs won't happen. You got to be careful parking your car around in the high school parking lot, people might try and Sabotage your car because they are jealous of your awesomeness. Being able to drive around when ever you want, all by yourself, makes you feel so Alive and free; being able to drive off into the night to the place Where the Lines Overlap. There will be a Reptilia of new responsibilities you have now. Back in 1901 only few people had cars and drove around.
                 I can see it now, you will be cruising around in your car with the windows down and All the Pretty Girls will be Howlin' For You. You will be doing that all the time just for some Entertainment. Gravity is what keeps us flying so we have to drive around to get everywhere. You can drive To Kingdom Come. Being sixteen will give you a whole New Perspective on life. I Want You To not be afraid to go Against the Grain and try new things, just nothing too stupid. Only one more year in high school and two more until you're an adult. Seriously though, enjoy it while you can. I know I didn't as much as I should have and I regret it. I know after high school, You're Gonna Go Far, Kid. I have no clue how to fit Ode to Sleep in hear so that sucks.
                All seriousness happy birthday! Hope its a great one and sorry I'll miss it. I put my rules for driving on here that I made for Katie, Michael and Dunkel. I know I won't need to worry about you breaking some of them but I kept them on here anyways.

Jacob's Rules for Driving.
       1)  Be/leave 15 minuets early
            -That will generally give you enough buffer time if you hit traffic or something
       2)  On main roads you can get away with 5 over
            -But you should never have the need to speed cause you should give yourself enough time to
            get to where you are going
       3)  On highway you can get away with ten over
            -But don't be weaving in and out through traffic.
       4)  Don't talk on the phone while driving
            -Just for the first couple months till you get use to driving then use speaker phone when
            driving so you have both hands on the wheel
       5)  Never text while driving, it can wait!
            -Have a passenger read and send messages for you
       6)  Don't be that jackass blasting his music so the whole city can hear you
            -Feel free to blast your music but be able to hear whats going on outside of the car, such as
            police sirens.
       7) Road Rage will get you know where
           -You're gonna drive worse and more aggressive if you're pissed. So just take a breath and calm
           down
       8) If you can't see pull over
           -Sounds stupid, but it's for days of inclement weather. If it's pouring/blizzard and you can't see
           pull into the nearest PARKING LOT not the side of the road
       9) Obey parental curfew
           -Driving is a privilege respect what they say and be home at least five minutes before curfew
      10) If you are not in the state to drive DON'T DRIVE
            -If you are under the influence just call your parents and tell them the truth, don't drive around
            drunk, worse things can come from that. If worst comes to worst you can call me.



Jacob's Video

Jacob finished his Haiti video and posted it yesterday. It started out with your voice saying, "And, action!" and then he dedicated it to your memory in the beginning: In Honor and Loving Memory of Hayden Milton Smith (or something like that).
   The video itself was amazing and really gave me a taste of what Haiti was really like. I am so glad you were a part of that trip last year! There was a lot of footage of the area and interviews with most of the students who went, asking them what they would take back with them.
   What got me at the end of the video though is when Jacob thanked his parents and then thanked me and Dad. He said thanks not only for funding his trip but for raising a wonderful son. He said you changed his life. When I saw that, I literally choked up and cried for like half an hour afterwards. I am still so proud of you, Hayden Milton Smith and I love you.

Peace with God

After finishing that last book (Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow) I feel like I had a lot of my questions answered about your death. I don't think I was ever mad at God, I just had a lot of unanswered questions. This book (plus the ton I read before this one too) addressed things like how even Jesus asked God before He was crucified if there could be another way for God's plan to be carried out. That blew me away! The very reason that God sent His Son to this earth was to be crucified and the human side of Jesus was asking God if there was another way! God told His Own Son Jesus "No". God's plans must be carried out.
  There was also a part that addressed that your life was exactly as long as God ordained it to be. If you weren't killed in a car accident on August 20, 2015 at 7:38 am, you would have died some other way. That was your time to go. It wasn't too early to God. Your purpose on this earth had been accomplished in the 17 years, 10 months and 3 days that you were here. That was the plan before you were even born, before I was even born. All of our days are written in His book.
 (I'm not too happy about how this is coming across-I much prefer to quote others than use my own words. Oh, well)
   Also, it really hit home how much more of a miracle it is for God to save our souls than to preserve our physical bodies. He saves our souls eternally. We are so conditioned to look at the here and now and what is so temporary. If your body had been spared, your physical body would die again at some point. I read somewhere else that dying once is hard enough, why would we make you die twice? But when we are in Jesus, we don't die. He has the keys to death and the grave. You are not dead, just your body is. You are with Jesus right now. And you will be rejoined with your body when the Lord returns. Praise God for that!
  The book also addressed how sometimes, even though the thought of heaven is a comfort, it seems so far away. It is so close! Uh,oh-I feel like I am rambling. Many of these things are better covered in my notes from the book.

My point is, I feel like a heavy load has been lifted. My spirit feels lighter-lighter than it has in almost 7 months. This may not last, but I choose to enjoy it and appreciate it now. Thank you Lord! The miracle is that You are seeing me through this and healing me! I never would have thought that was possible before all of this happened. Thank you for the gift of Hayden! Thank you for using him for Your purposes! What more could a mother ask for? Love you sweet boy!

Here are some other thoughts that might improve this post:

I was starting to read a book called Who Dies? but realized the author was a Buddhist. Here is something I gleaned from the introduction though:

"I have also met those whose death was an inspiration to all about them. Who died with so much love and compassion that all were left filled with an unnamed joy for weeks afterward."

Another thought of being afraid of the "unknown" (death): so afraid of an "unknown" that we will stay in a horrible "known"
i.e. an abused child reluctant to leave abusive parent

"Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow" notes by Nancy Guthrie

This was a book from Amazon (not the Ele's Place library). I forgot how I came upon the title, but it is a wonderful book. The author lost two infant children to a metabolic disorder. Her daughter's name was Hope.

-at the graveside, their pastor said, "This is the place where we ask, 'Is the gospel really true?'"

-book includes eleven statements by Jesus that are hard to grasp in hard times

Chapter 1  Hear Jesus Saying, I, Too, Have Known Overwhelming Sorrow

Matthew 26:38:  My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.
Jesus understands the crushing weight and agonizing loneliness of grief.

"...he has things to reveal to us in this hard place, which we could not have been ready to listen for and learn without the hurt."

He will never leave us

Chapter 2 Hear Jesus Saying, I, Too, Have Heard God Tell Me No

Matthew 26:39: My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.

Jesus shows us what to do when God doesn't give us what we want.

(Personal note: Jesus prayed to God for deliverance and it did not happen)

God is sad with me

"We think, God, if you are powerful enough to have done things differently, why didn't you? How can I accept your comfort and believe you want to heal my broken heart when you could have kept me from experiencing this sorrow in the first place? If you'd only given me what I wanted, neither of us would have to be sad."

Hebrews 5:7-9: While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God's Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered. In this way, God qualified him as a perfect High Priest, and he became the source of eternal salvation for all those who obey him.

-Jesus at precipice of very purpose for which he left heaven and became human, pleading to God for there to be another way

John 12:27:  Now my soul is deeply troubled. Should I pray, 'Father, save me from this hour'? But this is the very reason I came!

"Does obeying you really have to cost this much?"

"It helps me to know that Jesus wrestled with God's plan for his life--and his death--even as he submitted to it, because I have wrestled with God's plan for my life even as I have sought to submit to it."

Matthew 26:39: I want your will to be done, not mine.

"We begin to truly believe that the joy of surrendering to his will is going to be worth whatever it may cost."

"It takes great faith to say to God, 'Even if you don't heal me or the one that I love, even if you don't change my circumstances, even if you don't restore this relationship, even if you allow me to lose what is most precious to me, I will still love you and obey you and believe that you are good. And I believe that you, as my loving Father, will use everything in my life--even the hard and hurtful things--for my ultimate good and your eternal glory, because you love me.'"

Chapter 3 Hear Jesus Saying, I Am Willing to Heal Your Deadliest Disease

Mark 1:41:  I am willing...Be healed!

Jesus knows what we need most of all.

-Jesus didn't heal everyone of everything

-every person who was physically healed by Jesus during his earthly ministry eventually died

-greater purpose of each miracle was to draw people into a deeper, spiritual reality

-God's saddest day probably wasn't when Jesus died on the cross, it was when Adam and Eve looked away from Him for joy and satisfaction (believed Satan's lie)

-there is a day coming when death and disease will be healed for good, but we are living in an in-between time in which suffering is an ongoing reality

Romans 8:23:  We believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.

-when we insist on complete healing in our lives now, "we're mistakenly expecting in this age what God has reserved for the next."

-wants to heal us from sin primarily

-more of a miracle to heal us from sin than physical disease

-have come to realize that Jesus did not withhold healing from her children who died. "He has taken them to himself and will, at the resurrection, give them glorious bodies" (Philippians 3:21)

-their healing was not second rate or second best, it is everything we would ask for and long for

Isaiah 53:5-6:  He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.

"Jesus did not die on the cross to give you a certain number of days of health on this earth but to fit you, body and soul, for eternity in a new heaven and a new earth."

-shows we don't understand how serious sin is and we don't value the eternal promises of God as much as we want him to fix our problems now

-have a hard time grasping the significance and reality of the life to come

Chapter 4 Hear Jesus Saying, I Will Save You from Yourself

Matthew 16:23:  You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God's."

Jesus saves us from a wasted life of always trying to get our own way.

-need to allow God to define what is good

-God does not owe us

"The way of Jesus is paradox."

-"self-denial is at the heart of what it means to follow him"

1 Peter 4:1-2:  Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

-following him will cost us everything

-follow Me into a life of significance

-He will more than make up for everything you lose along the way

Chapter 5  Hear Jesus Saying, I Will Keep You Safe

Matthew 10:28:  Don't be afraid of those who want to kill you. They can only kill your body; they cannot touch your soul.

Jesus protects us from eternal harm.

Isaiah 43:2:  But the Bible says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned."

-need to understand God's promises of protection

Matthew 10:28:  Don't be afraid of those who want to kill you. They can only kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

-Jesus' agenda is Kingdom advancement

-there is something more important to Jesus than our bodily comfort and safety-our spiritual conditions

-God's promises of protection are intended for our souls

-Satan brings suffering to try to diminish our faith, temptation to try to deceive us and doubt about God's love and goodness to try to estrange us from God

John 3:17:  God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

-Jesus absorbed the wrath of God in our place so we could be protected from it

Romans 5:9:  Since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's condemnation.

-this is how he protects those he loves

Chapter 6  Hear Jesus Saying, I Have a Purpose in Your Pain

John 9:3  This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.

Jesus gives us insight when we ask, "Why?"

-we want to know what caused the suffering as well as what purpose there is in it

-we often blame ourselves, not true though because someone has already been punished for your sin

-sometimes natural consequences of bad choices brings suffering

-natural result of living in a fallen, broken world

-some suffering is supernatural work of Satan

"Interestingly, the same tool of suffering that Satan seeks to use to destroy our faith is, in the hands of God, a tool God plans to use to develop our faith."

-some is loving discipline of the Father

-nothing happens to us that has not been appointed by him

-some suffering is more than just allowed by God, some is actively sent

-ordained, meaning he is the first cause behind everything-comes about by secondary causes

-examples: Joseph, Job, children of Israel, Jesus

-supreme sovereignty over all of my life

-quote from Charles Spurgeon included on other posts

-every day of their children's lives and their lives has been ordained by God before the foundation of the world (Psalm 139:16)

"...and even though what is happening to us might not be good, God intends it all for our ultimate good."

-God is using everything for good and God loves me

-the Cross was greatest evil of all time but also most precious gift

-that we would put the work of God on display for the world to see

"'The miracle likely isn't going to be that God will heal Hope. The miracle is going to be that God will heal you.'"

2 Corinthians 4:8-9,16: We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but we are not destroyed...That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.

-show the world the difference a connectedness to Jesus makes in the lowest places of life

Chapter 7 Hear Jesus Saying, I Will Give You a Heart for Forgiveness

Mark 11:25:  When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too.

Jesus empowers us to forgive people who don't deserve it.

-to forgive will cost us something

-more sensitive when we are in sorrow

-i.e. forgiving a drunk driver

-He was willing to pay the cost for our forgiveness

-our massive offenses toward God in comparison to what others have done to us and God forgave us

"Forgiveness flows out of a heart that has known and enjoyed forgiveness."

-forgiveness isn't minimizing what someone has done

-you don't owe me anymore, not even an apology, I will pay

"Forgiveness is choosing to absorb the pain and pay the debt yourself that you are rightfully owed, asking God to do a work of grace and quench the fiery anger in your heart."

-need to watch ourselves

"If we have enough faith to believe that God has forgiven us our enormous debt of sin, we have what we need to forgive others."

-enormity of our sin, greatness of God's mercy

-believe that justice will be done by God

Chapter 8  Hear Jesus Saying, I Am Enough for You

2 Corinthians 12:9:  My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

Jesus provides what we need when we need it.

-one of main ingredients of sorrow is emptiness

-God can work with empty, he can fill it with his own power and life

-Paul's thorn in the flesh-to keep him from becoming proud

2 Corinthians 12:9: My grace is all you need.

"He will give us the grace to endure the pain he does not take away."

-the power to go on when we think we can't make it one more day

2 Corinthians 12:9:  My power works best in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:10:  That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-we don't think God's grace will be enough

-enough grace for the difficulty of the day and more for the next, as needed

-enough to generate joy in the midst of great sorrow, enough to enable you to endure the loneliness and the reminders of loss everywhere, enough to keep you believing that God is good and that he loves you

ENOUGH

"I will be enough for whatever I allow into your life."

-daily dependence

-His Word is essential fuel

Chapter 9 Hear Jesus Saying, I Am Giving Life to Those Who Believe in Me

John 11:25-26:  I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this?

Jesus asks us to believe that death is not the end of life.

"...people who have had to say good-bye to the body of someone they love are the people who recognize how much the resurrection of Jesus really matters."

-resurrection can seem very far away though, offering little comfort for the here and now

"We have a hard time finding comfort in our future hope under the crush of present pain."

-He is life now

"Once we are made alive in Christ, our lives can never truly be extinguished."

-eternal life cannot be snuffed out and has actually already begun for anyone who has united himself to him, the resurrection and the life

"He provides victory over death in the actual present."

-when physical death comes, our bodies are buried, but our souls go immediately into the presence of God

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

"Do you believe that one you love who died in Christ is now enjoying the presence of God, which is better by far than life in this world?"

-have to believe into him

-our faith gives us strength, but doesn't make the loss hurt any less

-it has infused our loss with purpose and hope

-solid foundation of who Jesus is, what he has done, and what he has promised

"If you believe that your loved one who has died in Christ will experience the reality of a resurrected body in the new heaven and new earth, you will not get stuck in the mire of seeing death as a tragedy. You can begin to see it as an open door into unending joy."

-you won't see death as the end

"If you believe in Jesus, though you ache to have the one you love here with you, your love for that person and your confidence in the promises of God will actually help to turn this ache of sorrow into anticipation of joy. The reality of life beyond this world will become more real, and your longing for it will grow. Your thoughts of it will become less sentimental and more solid and sure."

-the real miracle is life after death

Chapter 10 Hear Jesus Saying, I Am in Control of Your Life and Your Death

Revelation 1:17-18: Don't be afraid!...I hold the keys of death and the grave.

Jesus soothes our fear of death.

"Do I really want Hope to live any longer than God has intended for her?"

"'The purpose of Hope's life will be completely accomplished in the number of days that God gives her.'"

"'God determined to take him to His home at the age of five; the means was incidental.'"

"My growing confidence that God was in control of Hope's life and death gave me peace."

Psalm 139: 15-16: You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

(Personal note: Right now I feel like I have perfect peace about you and what happened to you)

-Jesus holds the keys to death and the grave means he controls access

"No one goes there unless and until he opens that door. He holds the keys because he died and went there himself and emerged with the keys in his hand."

-even though it seems like the one you loved died much too soon, it was really right on time

-surrender all of the if-onlys

"Jesus himself controls life and death."

"This means that when you face the death of someone you love, you don't have to surrender that person to an unknown, uncaring nothingness. You can rest, knowing that the person you love who knows Jesus is safely in his care and under his loving control. Jesus holds the keys."

-nothing can separate you from my Father's love, not even death

Conclusion  Hear Jesus Saying, I Will Give You Rest

Matthew 11:28:  Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Jesus opens his arms to us.