To my child

 from "Old Collection", subcategory Letters from the heart

I forgot this existed. It's a letter I wrote to the baby I miscarried before I got pregnant with you...

To My Child

You were an answer to prayer

I don't know the moment you were conceived but I knew you were there right from the start

I was already confident of the answer to the pregnancy test before I even took it

Everyone was so excited

The first grandchild

The first great-grandchild

It was too good to be true-

and, alas, it truly was

When everyone at work found out, I got hugs and kisses from people I hardly knew cared that much

It felt so good

Somehow though, during the whole time, I was afraid to believe you were there

I tried to talk to you and imagine you really being there and it felt awkward

I didn't really feel a bond with you

Then I started getting sick

I thought it was morning sickness

Before that I did have some spotting - it petrified me

I was so afraid of losing you

Everyone convinced me not to worry about it

I still did

I finally got so scared that I gave it to Jesus

I told Him that if it was His will for you to go then so be it

I was tired of worrying about it

When I finally went to the doctor I was so nervous

I felt like I didn't belong there

When I took the urine test

I noticed that my strip wasn't pink like the other ladies'

And then Friday came

Friday, November 22, 1996

A day I will never forget

The nurse was kind of rude to me

And then there was the always awkward pelvic exam with the doctor

The only highlight was when he brought in the ultrasound machine

I was so excited

How was I to know that the first time I saw you would be the last time I saw you

I saw you!

So tiny

A real baby

But something was wrong

I didn't realize it but the doctor was anxiously searching for your heartbeat

It was so quiet for so long

Where was it?

Why weren't you moving?

I went from total elation to total despair when I heard the doctor's words, "I'm sorry."

Sorry for what? 

What was going on?

I was pregnant when I came in and now I'm not?

Then I felt a wave of nausea and I had to lie down

What had happened?

How could you be dead when you hadn't even been born yet?

I heard the strains of the doctor's voice mumbling about some kind of procedure and then laying down a brochure on the counter

Then he left

What was going on?

Was he sure?

Don't you want to double check?

Is my baby really dead?

Don't I get some answers?

What was I supposed to tell everybody?

What was I supposed to do?

I didn't believe them

I hoped they were wrong

I didn't want to have you removed if you were still alive!

Where are you now?

Will you be in heaven?

You're not even all the way developed yet

If I see you there will you know who I am?

Will you know that I was going to be your mother?

That I was your mother?

That I am your mother?

I'm sorry you had to die

I hope I didn't cause it

I miss you

I wish you were still with me

But I know you're in good hands

You're in the best hands that there are

You won't ever have to sin or be hurt in or by this world

Your father nor I will ever raise our voice to you

We will never strike you in anger or belittle you

You won't ever have to experience feelings of rejection from your family

You will never feel what it's like to be caught in the middle of a divorced family

Now that I think about it, as your mother I couldn't wish for anything better

To be raised by the loving Hand of our Lord

To never experience the plague of sin

I do wish I had a chance to know you but since it had to be this way, I take comfort in the fact that you are with the Lord

I will remember your face always and look forward to seeing it again on that glorious day when we all go to live in Heaven for eternity

I will always love you, dear one, and you will always be my first child

With love from your mother