Exquisite beauty

by Anita Still from Surviving After the Loss of An Older Child

In my mind's eye, I imagined peering over God's shoulder, watching as He attached a radiant gem of vivid green (peridot is my firstborn's birthstone) to my tapestry. Curiously I wondered why the gem? After all, wasn't He attaching exquisite beauty during the greatest tragedy of my life? God looked up and our eyes met. His eyes were brimming with tears. Seeing God in tears made my eyes well up too, but I was still puzzled. Why would God be overcome with sadness while working on something so beautiful? Then it hit me. God knew my sorrow intimately, because He too had lost a son.

~She tells her son's story here~

So why the tapestry illustration? The tapestry is a poetic way for me to represent my life on earth. In my imagination, it is unfinished because my life is unfinished. God painstakingly works the fine stitches with real gold thread as He ponders the moments that have transpired in his daughter's life. Yes! I am God's daughter and so are you! (Whether one believes in Him or not doesn't change the fact that each child is either His son or daughter).

Before gold can be used in my tapestry, it must first be melted in the fires of tragedy to remove the impurities before it is spun into fine gold thread. God adds precious gems in places where my faith has been thoroughly tested, like the terrible tragedy that took the life of my son.

What do the gems represent? Gems are formed deep in the earth where all the right combinations come together: minerals, pressure, and heat. Once cut and polished, they are a pure vision to behold. Likewise, my heart grows deeper and richer in thought and action after tested by the pressure of adversity. Just as stress is required to make gems bright and beautiful, my soul has the opportunity to be refined and purified under the stress of loss.

The knowing look in the teary eyes of God told me that He understood my sorrow. He lost His only Son to crucifixion. It must have been torture for Him to not intervene. I wondered...was it torture also for God to not intervene to save the life of my son?

It is most difficult for us to comprehend that our children are allowed to die. I don't have the infinite mind of God, but this much I understand: He did not intervene to save His own Son because Jesus was on a life-and-death mission to save Planet Earth. If God had stepped in and prevented His Son's sacrifice, that would have changed the trajectory of humanity. There would be no hope of a Grand Reunion with our children someday.

I am so relieved I have reason to hope that I will see my beloved son again. While I wait in expectation, I cling to this truth: God knows my pain for He has experienced worse. For now, this must be enough. After all, I will have all of eternity to get my questions answered. With my firstborn sitting right beside me and surrounded by my family, we will listen as God fills in the missing details of Greg's story. He will fill in the details of your story too. Can you picture it?