Terrible

from Give Her Wings

Many people have told me, "He's a bad husband but he's a good father." The truth is, men who abuse their partners are ALWAYS terrible fathers. They damage their children emotionally (sometimes physically or sexually), model for them that abuse is "normal" and that love and abuse "go together", and they set a horrible example of manhood. Even after separation or divorce, most abusers typically work to destroy the maternal-child bond, as a way of punishing the partner for leaving. Long-term, this abuse tactic damages the children even more than witnessing the violence.

Sadly, this is rarely understood by those working in child protection agencies and family courts. In the vast majority of contested custody cases, the man wins, and in most cases where is fighting to gain sole custody, he is an abuser. (Good parents nearly always work out a shared custody situation that will be in the best interests of the children, regardless of how they feel about each other.) LET IT BE KNOWN: It is flatly NOT in a child's best interest to EVER be in the unsupervised care of an abuser, under any circumstances!

So many people think if children are not being hit or hurt physically, and a man plays with them, gives them attention or buys them things, this constitutes being a "good father." IT DOES NOT! If this were all that were required, then a babysitter would easily meet the criteria.