Q & A

from Flying Free

Always helpful...

Why do you think longtime church friends refuse to help when the wife starts telling the truth, and shun her, but end up helping the abusive husband instead? Why does the church refuse to acknowledge that this is a serious problem, and take real steps to address it? Why is there no church discipline?
1.  There are two different worldviews at play here. In one worldview, women are relegated to underling status - created only to serve under a man and not a whole lot more. In that worldview it isn't proper for a woman to protest her lot in life. Men are innately deserving of royal treatment from their woman (a married woman is viewed as the property or extension of the husband), and if they are unhappy or cruel or rude or abusive, the issue lies with the woman. She isn't doing her job to make him happy. If she were more submissive, happier, kept the home cleaner, kept the kids quieter, read her husband's mind, and never gave him feedback, then maybe he'd be nicer to her. Everyone who buys into this worldview will be upset when you buck the status quo. Your friends support the husband because they believe he is the right and you are in the wrong. Period.
2.   The church preaches the worldview.
3.   The church DOES discipline one of the parties. The female who bucks their system. She is usually the one who is kicked out.
4.   It's a spiritually abusive environment - and the answer is not to try to change others - the church or your friends or the abuser. The answer lies in changing yourself and moving away from groups and institutions that teach that worldview. Study for yourself. Read the book of John.

Should I tell my spouse my plans for leaving and/or filing for divorce?
I think the answer to this is going to be different for different people. I think it is good to take things slowly and in increments to avoid a huge blow-up. One suggestion is to say that you are moving out to give yourself some space and time to think through what you can and can't handle anymore in the marriage. If you are leaving yourself, this is all you need to say, if anything. If you want him to move out - then you'll need outside help. Most abusive men will not just move out because you asked them (my experience).

After some time has passed you can file for divorce if you want - and when they are served papers that is their message. OR, you can tell them in advance if you have a good reason for doing so. Often when you give an abusive person a heads up about your plans, they will do things to thwart those plans, so it isn't always the best idea. It really depends on you and that person and your circumstances.

Do you think, when deciding whether to reconcile or divorce (after months of separating, watching, weighing, etc) that it is possible to be absolutely sure you're making the right decision. In other words...is it reasonable/plausible/realistic to think/wait for that absolute feeling?
I think it is. But having that absolute feeling is NOT the same as WANTING absolutely to do it. We often know in our gut what we should do - but we don't want to do it, so we rationalize it away. I DO encourage women to make sure they are sure of their choice before jumping off that cliff - because the consequences are extremely painful - and the way out will take Herculean effort in many cases. You need to have that confidence and resolve in order to get all the way from point A to point B. I waited - longer than I probably should have - to be certain. But when I made that decision,  I knew I would never look back. And I never did. You want to be at that place, and it definitely takes time. Be patient with yourself and let the process unfold naturally.

How do I know if he is changing this time, he is getting counseling and the church has talked to him, not to me though. He is doing "some" things to show he is trying, but this has been what he does for the past 23 years. He is a chronic liar. He cheats me and the family out of money and his time. I do and don't want to believe again. I am SOOOOO very tired of being on this roller coaster and want off desperately. Trying to hold on but there is not much left and I have no more strength.
First of all, you and your church cannot force a person to change. That is an unhealthy crossing of boundaries. You are responsible for you. It is a tragic situation that many churches will reach out to the abusive spouse to help "force" them to change rather than giving their energy and resources to women and children who are trying to recover from the abuse. Our job as believers is to minister to the people who come to us for help. Not force people who don't want help to change. Because here's the deal. Change only happens for real when a person pursues and desires it for themselves. Conviction that leads to real repentance and real change has to come from inside a person - not from external pressure. External pressure will force an abuser to change on the outside - go through hoops- in order to maintain their reputation and their control. It's all about image management at that point.

The reason you wonder if you can trust him this time is because he is a liar and a cheat. You can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. That's not your issue. That's a normal result of what happens in a relationship where one person chronically lies and cheats. The question you should be asking yourself is not whether or not you can trust that he's changing. Because the answer to that is NO. The question you should be asking is what YOU are going to do about the fact you can't trust him. How is that going to impact your future? You get to decide that. Not your lying, cheating spouse. Not your religious community. YOU are the one who has to live with the consequences of being in close proximity to a liar and a cheater. So YOU get to decide what to do about that. How do you know when it's time to walk away and never look back? How do you find the strength and courage to do so...
Do these three things:
1.   Remind yourself over and over that the past is the best predictor of the future. Abuse is a cycle. It has a good side and a bad side. Of course, abuse is all bad, but the good side is what hooks you in. If you can remember that the good part of the cycle is a worm on a hook, you'll stop seeing it as good. Just because an abuser has a good day (and that's usually when everything is going his way) doesn't mean he's fixed.
2.   Set up some boundaries, implement them, and watch what happens when you stick to your guns. All hell usually breaks loose. Sometimes this is all it takes to open your eyes to the reality of the abuse and give you the motivation and momentum to do something about it for yourself.
3.   Walking away is tricky and horrifically painful on every level. I wrote a blog post about how it's like climbing out of a pit on a hot ladder. Every step hurts. But the alternative is to stay at the bottom of the pit. You get to decide when you've had enough and when you're ready for the painful journey.

My husband left a few weeks ago after I set up some boundaries that made him very angry. I thought about sending him links to Patrick Doyle's videos on abusive relationships and what real repentance looks like while he is away; however, I just watched you video from the link in this email and you suggest not sending husbands information as they will turn it back on you. My question, finally, is could these videos help paint a clearer picture to him, and help me communicate, that I'm not willing to go on unless we seek individual counseling to see if change is possible?
When you begin to set boundaries with an abuser, the abuse cycle will intensify, yes. Absolutely. You want to know if you should send your husband some helpful videos to communicate your belief that you both need to work on YOURSELVES. My advice to you is NO. It's not your responsibility to spoon feed a person who has historically been closed to all personal feedback from you. He's made it clear what he likes and doesn't like. Why violate his boundaries in this area? You gleaned wisdom from PD videos? Awesome. Your abuser is a big boy. If he wanted help, he's be Googling information and help just like you did. The fact is, he doesn't want help. Don't give pearls to a fool. I recommend simply stating in as few words as possible with as little emotions as possible what your plans are. Just say, "I am no longer going to tolerate your abusive treatment. I'm getting help for myself to recover and heal. What you choose to do is your business. But if you continue to treat the kids and me abusively, I will take steps to deal with that in a legal manner. It may mean that our marriage will not last. I don't plan to warn you about this any further."

Why do I feel attachment to my husband and why don't I feel relief? Does this mean that I should go back to him?
What you are experiencing is trauma bonding, which basically means that you are physiologically addicted to that person. Chemicals like dopamine and serotonin along with stress chemicals get released in your body system during the different parts of the abuse cycle, and your body becomes addicted to those rushes. Getting away requires a time of detox which includes intense withdrawal symptoms. But once you've successfully gone through that process, you will be in a place where you can see clearly and make better decisions for yourself and move on with confidence and hope.

How do I learn to not be so critical of myself when I go backwards?
This is a personal growth thing. Human beings are naturally judgy and critical. We hate on ourselves and we hate on others. This is the opposite of what God intended. When we truly see ourselves through the eyes of our Father God, we relax and rest, knowing we are fully loved and fully safe no matter what we do. No matter how many mistakes we make or how many times we regress. In Flying Free we work on self-compassion and care. We cannot love others fully and with vulnerability if we hate ourselves. When we know we are safe, we then create safe places for others. This is growing up to the fullness of Christ in us.

How can I forgive myself? For marrying him in the first place? For divorcing him? How can I live the rest of my life without being oppressed by guilt, thinking I must have sinned because some Christians believe abuse isn't biblical grounds for divorce, but knowing that I was dying and I HAD to get out?
You feel guilty because you believe, deep down, that you've done something wrong. You can't forgive yourself because you feel no forgiveness from God. You are basically believing what other selfish and sinful human beings are telling you. But that's not what God tells us in His Word. People love to lay law on others. Remember the judgy, critical nature of humans? Jesus Christ took all your sin on Himself so you would no longer need to bear it. You can let go and leave it at the cross. His righteousness is now imputed to YOU. That means when God the Father looks at you, He sees all the holiness of God the Son looking back. It's a miracle! And one you can embrace and walk FREE in! You were not made to remain a caterpillar crawling on the ground. Jesus died so you could be transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

I had no contact, but we have children. We are in the middle of the divorce now, but the kids are having to deal with him directly. My 14-year-old is no longer wanting to see him because of the emotional damage she is experiencing. Our younger children don't understand yet. There is a GAL involved, but it takes time. How do I protect our children?
Your goal is to focus on your OWN parenting. You can't do anything about how your ex parents. What you need to do is practice empathetic parenting. Your kids will not be getting empathy from their father, so you get to do double duty parenting in this area. Empathy is extremely important for a human's healthy mental and psychological development. All people need to feel on a deep level that they are HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. If you can hear and validate your child's emotional world, they will trust you and be safe with you. Remember that we deal with our children's FEELINGS before we can solve problems. The child needs to feel valued for who they are, not what they do.

When you parent with empathy, you are in tune to your children's emotions all the time. You validate their feelings. When they come to you with something hurtful their dad did, simply listen and sit with them in the chaos of their emotions.

Don't coddle them and don't add gasoline to the fire of their drama. Be the adult. Stay calm. Stay in control. Teach them healthy boundary skills. For example. a daughter came home one weekend and said her dad kept kicking the back of her chair. She asked him to stop (and of course you never ask a narc to stop doing what they want to do) so he kept doing it and verbally attacked her by saying, "You're so crabby. What's the big deal? You're always such a crank." She calmly stated again, "Dad, I'm not crabby right now. I just don't want you to kick my chair." Of course, he didn't hear her at all, but at least she did her part. She spoke the truth out loud to herself, even if her dad was unwilling to see her as a separate person and respect her wishes to not have her chair kicked. Teaching your kids healthy boundaries will serve them well when they grow up and move on with their lives. They will undoubtedly meet other narcissistic people in the workplace and elsewhere. Hopefully they will be better at spotting them and dealing with them than we were.