Object constancy

More on narcissism. This explains so much...

Narcissists aren't capable of something called "object constancy"-and it helps explain why they are so cruel to the people they date

When we quarrel with our loved ones, most of us have the ability not to do too much damage. This is because of something called object constancy. It basically means having the ability to still have a positive emotional bond with someone when you are also feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed with them.

If you date a narcissist, chances are they saw you as a worthy target, then they love bombed you into thinking they were your perfect match. They target strong, successful people to prey on partly because they like a challenge, and partly because it makes them look good. However, then they start breaking down your spirit with their abusive, gaslighting behavior, then discard you suddenly and brutally.

People who have been in narcissistic, abusive relationships often describe their partner as having a "Jeckyll and Hyde" behavior-one moment they are acting like everything is perfect and you are the love of their life, but something switches and a monster appears in front of you who is angry, cruel, and threatening.

According to Shannon Thomas, a therapist and author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse", abusive people can switch between Jeckyll and Hyde so easily because they never take any responsibility for their actions. This is also why they are able to move on so quickly from seemingly relationship-ending arguments, sometimes pretending that they didn't happen at all.

"If nothing ever sticks to them, if there's no actual remorse, and no guilt of any kind, then it's always someone else's fault."

The lack of object constancy in the narcissist's mind means they cannot cope with the idea that the person they are dating doesn't exactly fit into how their ideal mate should look, think, and behave. When they realize the person they are with is human, with faults and imperfections, that's it.

Therapist Perpetua Neo told Business Insider that the behavior of narcissists in abusive relationships is so insidious that the victims stop respecting themselves. Narcissists can never change, she said, and the best thing survivors can do is run far away from them as fast as they can.

"You want to make sure you reclaim your life in a different way. When you're with a narcissist, you stop doing things for yourself because they don't like you doing things for yourself, " Neo said. "Be really clear in your head that this person is a narcissist and really nothing can be done about it. The only thing you can do about it is to take care of yourself."

Author:  Lindsay Dodgson, Business Insider