Post-Florida rant

Dad was awful on our trip. AWFUL. It's too bad because we were seemingly doing ok before we left.

I could tell that he was getting "weird" on Saturday morning before we left. I told him, "You're getting weird." Being really quiet, giving short, one-word answers to everything. He always gets weird around special events anyway-holidays, trips, etc. Out of his comfort zone where he can't control his world. Expectations are higher, almost heightened. Out of the ordinary circumstances (we NEVER travel). No way out. Whatever.

I didn't let him ruin my trip though. I really didn't know what to expect out of it, but I decided that I was going to enjoy it no matter what. I'm glad I decided that.

First rule, broken. Stay off our phones. He couldn't do that. As soon as we found our seats on the plane, on his phone. Then, plugged in to a podcast. Shut out. Unavailable. Any question or comment was an annoyance. Pulling out the earbud, "What?" Never mind.

I didn't want to use his credit cards for whole trip. He's already got them run up. I offered to put some of food expenses on my card. He said no. This was his mentality the whole trip. "It's 0% interest, why not?" Because I don't want to still owe for a meal that I ate a month ago. That's why. Oh, well. Saved my money. Had it available to me when he wasn't available. I'm glad for that.

Got to Kevin's house. Beautiful. Two rooms to choose from. Hope and I chose the lighthouse room. Didn't know that room was cooler. Heard about it the whole trip that we picked the better room. Didn't know that-50/50 chance. Not going to switch.

Almost too many things to mention, or don't feel like bringing up again. Stupid, offensive comments. Him falling asleep in the car while Kevin was talking to him. Him not wanting to go with us for ice cream. Him threatening not to go the beach on Wednesday. Him getting on my case because I didn't want to go to the beach and we got to leave early when it started raining. I still went though. Doesn't that count for anything? Getting in trouble because I thought we were going to rotate beach chairs and we didn't. "You said you didn't want one." I know, I didn't want to add to the expense and the trouble. I thought we were going to share.

Him not having any relevant stories to share. Because he does nothing. He can't relate-most people don't just live on their phones and watch TV in their spare time. Well, probably a lot do actually. Hope was right-not only does he not act like a Christian man, he barely acts like a man. Doesn't share or put others first, only looks out for his best interest. "Me first."" I'm on vacation." So are we, Bill. Not a family man, according to Carter. So true.

Leaving dinner early one night to watch the rest of a TV show. I know it was only pizza, but still. Sitting there on his phone when we are just sitting there. I don't think I had a real conversation with him the whole time. Him apologizing to Kevin for making Kevin have to vacuum. When you have guests, sometimes you have to clean up after them. Kevin knows that. It's not a problem. He probably has to vacuum when there aren't guests there. Him insisting on "cleaning" the bathroom before we left. No need. Almost insulting. Kevin was going to clean it again anyway. It's ok. Apologizing to Kevin for having to put up with our dysfunctional family. Speak for yourself. He's the only dysfunctional part of our family.

Asking if we can get "real" pop. Kevin bought us diet pop which was very nice and thoughtful. But apparently it wasn't real. It made him feel bloated. Then don't drink it. And don't complain about something that someone buys for you.

Ripping me a new one when his phone got knocked over in the sand. I didn't know it was in the bag. I was more concerned with getting the umbrella back up. "Unbelievable!" Apologized for days later, but didn't matter. Shouldn't have happened in the first place. Picking and choosing what to apologize for. What about apologizing for, "Can you stop being you?" Ok. How do I do that? Maybe if you answered a question, I wouldn't have to "drill" you. I just couldn't understand why you were already asking about leaving the beach before we even got there.

New day-my thoughts went in a different direction last night. I don't know if I should make this part of this post or another post. Hmmm...

Other people don't know what my marriage is really like. How awful it is. They just want to see me show up at church every week, with my husband, and pretend nothing is wrong. "Just stay together." "You made a vow." I know that. I take my commitments very seriously. Almost too seriously. I know what the Bible says, I know what God says. Nobody has to point this out to me.

How dare someone come into my life and tell me what I can and can't do? Only God can do that. You can point out to me what God says, which I already know. It's ultimately up to me. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. "Keep the marriage together at all costs." Why? So I can live in misery and be able to say that I stuck it out? I know that divorce is bad. I know that was not my intention when I entered into this union. I didn't know he was going to treat me this way. "Your body is not your own." "You can't cut him off." Watch me! Why do I have to do things I don't want to do?(aside from what God asks me to do). Is that what God wants me to be-some robot wife with no opinion of my own? That's not how he made me. I am not inferior to my husband. We are equals in His sight. I am supposed to be submissive to him, but he is supposed to love and cherish me. This is not happening. He is taking advantage.

Lord, help me with this. I don't know what to do. He's trying now, but it's too late. The damage has been done. He's just saying he's sorry-he doesn't mean it. I can tell he is not truly repentant. Everything is a joke to him. You know what I asked you. Help me to wait for Your answer. Amen.