Discussion last night

Last night Dad and I had a discussion about ending our marriage. We both agreed it's going nowhere and that nothing seems like it's going to change. Dad felt the need to inform Pastor of our decision in an email and he did not react well as expected. Oh boy.

I feel like I have more to say about this but I don't know where to begin. I can no longer teach Sunday School or Junior Church. Thanks, Bill. That's what he wanted. It's not like I parade around acting like I'm so great and holy-Pastor asked me to teach that Sunday School class in the fall because there was no one else to. I wasn't sure because having Carter in my class usually doesn't work well and I was mentally drained from just losing you. I said yes though. Even though I don't think I'm good at teaching or having kids listen to me.

Same with Junior Church. Bill volunteered us again at one point and then bailed. I didn't want to leave Mrs. Reid and the Carnes hanging so I stuck it out, even though it was hard on my own. I just feel bad for them, because who else will do it? There's nobody. I keep trying to get out of these things, but I keep being asked to help again. Like secretarial stuff. Is anyone doing that? I thought Becky Banks was at one point. And then Sarah didn't do that great of a job. And decorations. Once Sarah was gone, it was back to me again. Which is fine. I'm not complaining-I'm just saying these things choose me, I don't choose them. And they keep re-choosing me.

It's just like with potluck. At one point when I had kids to chase, I had no idea how to set up/clean up for potluck. Now I am the "expert." That's fine but I don't know why other people can't help me. It's a lot of work. I don't think people realize that. And the coffee table-does no one else care about keeping it clean/stocked?

Darn it-Pastor makes me feel like dirt. Like nobody else sins in the church except me/us. I know the Reids have marital problems. And what about Ashley's sin of premarital sex and pregnancy? And Becky's? And Daniel spending time in jail? Does anyone get "punished" for that? No, their kids are loved and accepted, James is still a deacon, etc. He acts like I have a choice with these marital problems. I am under constant verbal attack. What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to survive-emotionally, financially, psychologically, in all the ways I need to survive. Yet, Bill keeps pulling me down as I am crawling my way up.

I think God and I are ok. Am I mistaken? Pastor only knows what he is told about our situation. God sees it all. Pastor hears from Bill's skewed viewpoint and what I choose to share. There are things I don't even share out of kindness. Or things I can't explain. How many times can I make sure I am "saved"? I have done it several times to make sure. What Bill is doing is wrong-bottom line. Why do I have to keep telling myself that over and over? Help me Lord! I think you are hearing my prayers. I hope you are! Love you Hayden!