God's will

Lately I have been really wishing that all of this didn't happen and that you were still here. The longing that this brings is almost unbearable. I just wished that the accident didn't happen and that you were still here and that we were trying to figure out how to pay your tuition at EMU right now and dealing with all of the other little problems that seemed huge before the morning of August 20, 2015.
   I know this isn't going to happen of course. I've wrestled with this in my mind millions of times and I don't know if it makes me feel better to think that way or if I am just trying to stay sad (which, believe me, is not a problem) so I can feel closer to you.
  For some reason, though, on my way home from working at Target on Saturday morning around 7:00 am, I had the thought that I knew that what happened was God's will or it wouldn't have happened. I then thought, I am wishing for something that is against God's will. I remember Pastor has presented this situation in this way a few times that,for whatever the reason, God allowed this to happen and we just need to learn to accept/live with it. I always found that sounded a bit cruel and matter-of-fact. Once again, as always, I am grateful for Pastor's insight, even though it might take me a little while to understand it sometimes.
   Anyway, to recap, I realized that my wishing that you were still here and would be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. was never part of God's plan for this year or beyond. My wishing for this goes against what God wants, and as a Christian, I should always want God's will and have prayed for it. How could I not want what God wants? He knows best, and something I have continually told myself since the accident is that as much as we love you, dear Hayden, we have to love God more. And believe me, we love you SO MUCH!
  That helped me a lot-like someone snapped their fingers and I snapped out of a certain way of thinking. There's so many other aspects of this loss that I have to get through, but this cleared up a big issue. I shared this with Dad and Hope and Carter. I think Dad knows in his head that this is true, but I don't know if he's taking it to heart yet. Hope and Carter were very receptive to it and agreed with me. God knows best-that's it. And he has the best-YOU!