Depiction of a believer's death, found in Randy Alcorn's book, "Heaven". I have read something similar to this before but was so glad to come across this again after what's happened.
I'm standing on the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She's an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come down to mingle with each other. And then I hear someone at my side saying, "There, she's gone."
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There, she's gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes"
And that is dying.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
God's will
Lately I have been really wishing that all of this didn't happen and that you were still here. The longing that this brings is almost unbearable. I just wished that the accident didn't happen and that you were still here and that we were trying to figure out how to pay your tuition at EMU right now and dealing with all of the other little problems that seemed huge before the morning of August 20, 2015.
I know this isn't going to happen of course. I've wrestled with this in my mind millions of times and I don't know if it makes me feel better to think that way or if I am just trying to stay sad (which, believe me, is not a problem) so I can feel closer to you.
For some reason, though, on my way home from working at Target on Saturday morning around 7:00 am, I had the thought that I knew that what happened was God's will or it wouldn't have happened. I then thought, I am wishing for something that is against God's will. I remember Pastor has presented this situation in this way a few times that,for whatever the reason, God allowed this to happen and we just need to learn to accept/live with it. I always found that sounded a bit cruel and matter-of-fact. Once again, as always, I am grateful for Pastor's insight, even though it might take me a little while to understand it sometimes.
Anyway, to recap, I realized that my wishing that you were still here and would be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. was never part of God's plan for this year or beyond. My wishing for this goes against what God wants, and as a Christian, I should always want God's will and have prayed for it. How could I not want what God wants? He knows best, and something I have continually told myself since the accident is that as much as we love you, dear Hayden, we have to love God more. And believe me, we love you SO MUCH!
That helped me a lot-like someone snapped their fingers and I snapped out of a certain way of thinking. There's so many other aspects of this loss that I have to get through, but this cleared up a big issue. I shared this with Dad and Hope and Carter. I think Dad knows in his head that this is true, but I don't know if he's taking it to heart yet. Hope and Carter were very receptive to it and agreed with me. God knows best-that's it. And he has the best-YOU!
I know this isn't going to happen of course. I've wrestled with this in my mind millions of times and I don't know if it makes me feel better to think that way or if I am just trying to stay sad (which, believe me, is not a problem) so I can feel closer to you.
For some reason, though, on my way home from working at Target on Saturday morning around 7:00 am, I had the thought that I knew that what happened was God's will or it wouldn't have happened. I then thought, I am wishing for something that is against God's will. I remember Pastor has presented this situation in this way a few times that,for whatever the reason, God allowed this to happen and we just need to learn to accept/live with it. I always found that sounded a bit cruel and matter-of-fact. Once again, as always, I am grateful for Pastor's insight, even though it might take me a little while to understand it sometimes.
Anyway, to recap, I realized that my wishing that you were still here and would be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. was never part of God's plan for this year or beyond. My wishing for this goes against what God wants, and as a Christian, I should always want God's will and have prayed for it. How could I not want what God wants? He knows best, and something I have continually told myself since the accident is that as much as we love you, dear Hayden, we have to love God more. And believe me, we love you SO MUCH!
That helped me a lot-like someone snapped their fingers and I snapped out of a certain way of thinking. There's so many other aspects of this loss that I have to get through, but this cleared up a big issue. I shared this with Dad and Hope and Carter. I think Dad knows in his head that this is true, but I don't know if he's taking it to heart yet. Hope and Carter were very receptive to it and agreed with me. God knows best-that's it. And he has the best-YOU!
Graduation cards
There is a pile of your graduation cards in the top drawer of the china cabinet (the one you love so much-ha,ha). There are held in a stack by a rubberband and whenever I would notice them, it would make me a little sad because, of course, who knew this would have happened so shortly after graduation.
I was looking for the one from Jake (I always feel funny calling him that-should I call him Jacob? But that sounds weird too) because I knew he wrote a lot in it and wanted to see how exactly he worded some of his advice about "experimenting" and stuff. I think I just wanted to see if you were a secret druggie or something. I know you would be so mad at me for saying that to you because you always got mad when I brought that subject up. Sorry! I decided this weekend to look through the stack of cards and I couldn't remember at all what the picture on the front of the card was so I started looking through the cards. (I shouldn't have been surprised to find later that it was at the very bottom of the stack-of course!)
Side note: I remembered this before, but I wanted to write it down. When you were writing your thank-you notes, I asked you to read some of the cards in your "funny" voice, since you were looking through each card to see who sent you a card and we had written how much they gave you in the card. (One way I remember this voice is when you said in it, "I'm a high school graduate.") Anyway, it was funny hearing you read some of those because they said things like you should be proud of what you accomplished, the sky's the limit, etc. and all of that serious-sounding stuff sounded really funny in that voice. Thanks for doing that for me!
Anyway, as I was looking through the cards to find the one from Jake/Jacob, I was reading some of what the cards said and some of what the people wrote to you. I'm guessing there were about 75 cards. Anyway again, I found it interesting how most of them were gushing about you and how wonderful you were and telling you best wishes in the next chapter of your life, may you follow God's path if they were from someone from church, good luck on your journey, etc. This made me think of when Pastor (Pastor Saxe used this term too) talks about someone's death at church or who he knew was a Christian, that they were "promoted" from this life to Heaven. It seems to me that graduation is the same idea as being promoted-you are completed with one part of your life and changing to another.
What a privilege then it was for you (though of course no one could have ever realized at the time) to be able to receive notes and letters from your closest friends and family, telling you how great you are and how they wished you the best for your future, etc. Although it wasn't intended for what happened, I noticed that it still applied. I am sure it is not common when someone dies unexpectedly to follow such a crossroads in your life when people are telling you all of those wonderful things, kind of like a "send off". I am so glad that you were able to receive those well wishes and not just us from the sympathy cards after the fact. It's not as sad looking at them now-I actually liked looking at those more than all of the sad sympathy cards.
I'm also glad you completed all of your thank you cards in July so all of those people could get a special little handwritten message from you. I saw the one you sent to the Laws on their coffee table a few weeks ago along with some of your senior pictures and the program from your service. I am so glad for your senior year and that we were given time to celebrate you graduation and all that you accomplished. Praise God for that and praise God for you!
I was looking for the one from Jake (I always feel funny calling him that-should I call him Jacob? But that sounds weird too) because I knew he wrote a lot in it and wanted to see how exactly he worded some of his advice about "experimenting" and stuff. I think I just wanted to see if you were a secret druggie or something. I know you would be so mad at me for saying that to you because you always got mad when I brought that subject up. Sorry! I decided this weekend to look through the stack of cards and I couldn't remember at all what the picture on the front of the card was so I started looking through the cards. (I shouldn't have been surprised to find later that it was at the very bottom of the stack-of course!)
Side note: I remembered this before, but I wanted to write it down. When you were writing your thank-you notes, I asked you to read some of the cards in your "funny" voice, since you were looking through each card to see who sent you a card and we had written how much they gave you in the card. (One way I remember this voice is when you said in it, "I'm a high school graduate.") Anyway, it was funny hearing you read some of those because they said things like you should be proud of what you accomplished, the sky's the limit, etc. and all of that serious-sounding stuff sounded really funny in that voice. Thanks for doing that for me!
Anyway, as I was looking through the cards to find the one from Jake/Jacob, I was reading some of what the cards said and some of what the people wrote to you. I'm guessing there were about 75 cards. Anyway again, I found it interesting how most of them were gushing about you and how wonderful you were and telling you best wishes in the next chapter of your life, may you follow God's path if they were from someone from church, good luck on your journey, etc. This made me think of when Pastor (Pastor Saxe used this term too) talks about someone's death at church or who he knew was a Christian, that they were "promoted" from this life to Heaven. It seems to me that graduation is the same idea as being promoted-you are completed with one part of your life and changing to another.
What a privilege then it was for you (though of course no one could have ever realized at the time) to be able to receive notes and letters from your closest friends and family, telling you how great you are and how they wished you the best for your future, etc. Although it wasn't intended for what happened, I noticed that it still applied. I am sure it is not common when someone dies unexpectedly to follow such a crossroads in your life when people are telling you all of those wonderful things, kind of like a "send off". I am so glad that you were able to receive those well wishes and not just us from the sympathy cards after the fact. It's not as sad looking at them now-I actually liked looking at those more than all of the sad sympathy cards.
I'm also glad you completed all of your thank you cards in July so all of those people could get a special little handwritten message from you. I saw the one you sent to the Laws on their coffee table a few weeks ago along with some of your senior pictures and the program from your service. I am so glad for your senior year and that we were given time to celebrate you graduation and all that you accomplished. Praise God for that and praise God for you!
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