Hold On To Hope

Excerpts from another #OCA story. This one is titled "Hold On To Hope" by Kristen Marshall

Over the past year, many people have said things like, "I don't know how you do it. You're so strong." The truth is I'm not strong. But my God is. He put a strength in me I never could have imagined. He was with me every step of the way. I could feel His presence in that first...He was there when we learned just how serious and complicated his condition was. And He was there when we were told (Hayden) wouldn't survive....But during those appointments, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I was able to calmly and courageously listen as the doctors delivered blow after blow to our hope--the hope that our son would live a perfectly normal, healthy life.

...I felt peace. I knew God's hand was on me even though I felt like my life was spinning dangerously out of control. He carried me through the worst of the worst. And I refused to give up my faith in Him when He was so very faithful to us.

Those first days after (Hayden's death) felt like I was in a pit of quicksand. I was reaching and reaching, trying to claw my way out of the darkness of grief, but it seemed like any kind of saving grace was just a little too far out of reach. But ever so slowly--almost too gradual for me to see--I was climbing my way out of the overwhelming darkness.

The last year has not at all been what I envisioned for myself, but I have survived. When I feel like I am too weak to go any further, I take just one more step. Sometimes I run, and sometimes I crawl, but I am still moving. I'll never stop moving. I have a story to tell-...He is my son, and I dare not let him down now. I am his (mom) and the only way I know how to parent him from this side of Heaven is to press on, keep going, keep loving, keep hoping. I will hold on to the hope I have that I will see him again one day. I will hold on for dear life.