From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 John 3:18
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
When it costs
This makes me think of the "d"
If we're not speaking out when it costs, then it doesn't matter enough.
If we're not speaking out when it costs, then it doesn't matter enough.
Face your Father first
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Face Your Father First
Prayer:
Father, You are good
Your heart is good
You are always right
The weather's bad, the economy is bad;
but God you are awesome!
Face Your Father First
Prayer:
Father, You are good
Your heart is good
You are always right
The weather's bad, the economy is bad;
but God you are awesome!
A future and a hope
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
Love the Lord
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Matthew 22:37-39
Jesus said to him, "You shall love the Lord you God with all you heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
Matthew 22:37-39
Jesus said to him, "You shall love the Lord you God with all you heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
Live through Him
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
1 John 4:9
In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
1 John 4:9
In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
Spirit of fear
From today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
61 signs
Aahh! That's a lot! I feel like I have to keep reminding myself about this as the "guilt" creeps in.
61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship
from LiveBoldBloom
Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse can be more insidious and elusive.
In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.
The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.
However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse can occur in any relationship-between parent and child, in friendships, and with relatives.
What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.
In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.
It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.
It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.
Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with-perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.
They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful, and powerless.
Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BDP), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.
The victim of the abuse quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.
But the effects of long-term emotional abuse can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
If you aren't sure what constitutes emotionally abusive behavior, read the list of signs below.
Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in a relationship:
Domination and control
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line. As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child. You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions. He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you? Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords. You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it. All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases. You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner may say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line. And your abuser has an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heel may be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
Signs of Verbal Abuse
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you. Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk. Your abuser's words and actions when you speak tell you volumes; you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is. If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents. You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain. Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down and make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation. Your abuser might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm, when used by an abuser, is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows the abuser to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly. It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you. Unlike the more covert abuse method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your abuser can get. He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them. Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments. They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up. You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.
15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations. Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.
Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it." You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs. He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you. Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up and get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you to handle it every time.
19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled. You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner. They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety. You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her to help. so you might as well do it yourself."
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense. You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened. You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of her or her slip-up.
24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up. If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care-especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs. There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him being there for you.
You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good. If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter-unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.
Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty. You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it. In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you. When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness. You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the icebergs is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look"-the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else." It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.
Unpredictable Behavior
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament but with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body. One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist. She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.
Chaos and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong. She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.
39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him. He interrupts you to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late. The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.
Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on. Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever success you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel or praise of support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving. You might have a soft spot for the pain of other or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back. She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.
Gaslighting
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial. No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her. Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened her? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses you or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing. But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right. He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that are causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening. If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.
The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety. You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.
What immediate action can you take?
Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:
Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves-even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.
Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.
Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologize to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.
Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."
You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.
Seeks support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.
Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.
Can an emotional abuser change?
It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change. The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.
According to author Lundy Bancroft, here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:
-Admit fully to what they have done.
-Stop making excuses and blaming.
-Make amends.
-Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.
-Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.
-Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.
-Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process-not declaring themselves "cured."
-Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.
-Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).
-Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.
-Carry their weight and sharing power.
-Change how they act in heated conflicts.
-Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).
61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship
from LiveBoldBloom
Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse can be more insidious and elusive.
In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.
The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.
However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse can occur in any relationship-between parent and child, in friendships, and with relatives.
What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.
In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.
It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.
It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.
Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with-perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.
They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful, and powerless.
Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BDP), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.
The victim of the abuse quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.
But the effects of long-term emotional abuse can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
If you aren't sure what constitutes emotionally abusive behavior, read the list of signs below.
Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in a relationship:
Domination and control
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line. As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child. You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions. He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you? Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords. You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it. All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases. You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner may say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line. And your abuser has an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heel may be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
Signs of Verbal Abuse
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you. Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk. Your abuser's words and actions when you speak tell you volumes; you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is. If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents. You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain. Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down and make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation. Your abuser might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm, when used by an abuser, is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows the abuser to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly. It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you. Unlike the more covert abuse method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your abuser can get. He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them. Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments. They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up. You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.
15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations. Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.
Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it." You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs. He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you. Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up and get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you to handle it every time.
19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled. You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner. They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety. You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her to help. so you might as well do it yourself."
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense. You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened. You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of her or her slip-up.
24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up. If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care-especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs. There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him being there for you.
You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good. If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter-unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.
Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty. You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it. In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you. When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness. You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the icebergs is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look"-the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else." It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.
Unpredictable Behavior
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament but with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body. One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist. She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.
Chaos and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong. She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.
39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him. He interrupts you to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late. The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.
Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on. Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever success you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel or praise of support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving. You might have a soft spot for the pain of other or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back. She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.
Gaslighting
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial. No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her. Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened her? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses you or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing. But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right. He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that are causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening. If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.
The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety. You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.
What immediate action can you take?
Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:
Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves-even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.
Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.
Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologize to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.
Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."
You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.
Seeks support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.
Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.
Can an emotional abuser change?
It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change. The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.
According to author Lundy Bancroft, here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:
-Admit fully to what they have done.
-Stop making excuses and blaming.
-Make amends.
-Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.
-Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.
-Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.
-Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process-not declaring themselves "cured."
-Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.
-Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).
-Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.
-Carry their weight and sharing power.
-Change how they act in heated conflicts.
-Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).
Monday, February 26, 2018
Together again
This song was played at Rydeon this weekend and I decided to look it up. I'm pretty sure it's about being together again once someone dies.
Together Again
by Janet Jackson
There are times
When I look above
And beyond
There are times when I feel your love
Around me baby
I'll never forget my baby
(I'll never forget you)
There are times when I look above and beyond
There are times when I feel your love around me baby
I'll never forget my baby
When I feel that I don't belong
Draw my strength
From the words when you said
Hey it's about you baby
Look deeper inside you baby
Dream about us together again
What I want (is) us together again baby
I know we'll be together again cuz
Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin back at me
Dancin in moonlight
I know you are free
Cuz I see your star
Shinin down on me
(together again, ooh)
Good times we'll share again
(together again, ooh)
Makes me wanna dance
(together again, ooh)
Say it loud and proud
(together again, ooh)
All my love's for you
Always been a true angel to me
Now above
I can't wait for you to wrap your wings around me baby
Oooh wrap them around me baby
Sometimes hear you whisperin
No more pain
No worries will you ever see now baby
I'm so happy for my baby
(together again, ooh)
Good times we'll share again
(together again, ooh)
Ooh it makes me wanna dance
(together again, ooh)
Say it loud and proud
(together again, ooh)
All my love's for you
There are times when I look above and beyond
There are times when I feel you smile upon me baby
I'll never forget my baby
What I'd give to hold you close
As on earth
In heaven we'll be together baby
Together again my baby
Friday, February 23, 2018
Be a nuisance
This is from lady that the school was named after where the shooting was in Florida...Marjory Stoneman-Douglas.
Be a nuisance where it counts; Do your part to inform and stimulate the public to join your action. Be depressed, discouraged, and disappointed at failure and the disheartening effects of ignorance, greed, corruption and bad politics-but never give up.
Be a nuisance where it counts; Do your part to inform and stimulate the public to join your action. Be depressed, discouraged, and disappointed at failure and the disheartening effects of ignorance, greed, corruption and bad politics-but never give up.
Religion
From Timothy Keller
Religion says, "I obey; therefore I am accepted!"
Christianity says, "I'm accepted; therefore I obey!"
Religion says, "I obey; therefore I am accepted!"
Christianity says, "I'm accepted; therefore I obey!"
The only person
From C. Joybell C.
The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.
The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.
No fear in love
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
Love does no harm
From one of Bible Gateway's Verses of the Day
Romans 13:10
Love does no harm to a neighbor.
Romans 13:10
Love does no harm to a neighbor.
Thursday, February 22, 2018
7 sneaky ways
From Reach Out Recovery
7 Sneaky Ways You May Be Abused
by Leslie Glass
Are you lavished with love one minute and raged at the next? Abusive behavior is a way to manipulate and control. And it's so confusing. On one side you want to be loved and loving, and those are great qualities. But controlling people who become emotional abusers are not able to manage or understand their feelings. Instead, they use their feelings to manage others.
Abusive Behavior Confuses And Punishes You
Manipulators are often narcissists who believe they are sensitive and good, while the other people in their lives are thoughtless, unkind, angry and cause things to go wrong in their world. If you live with a manipulative person, you may be in constant fear of punishment for something you've done wrong, or might do wrong, and are always trying to prevent or fix it. You become controlled be fear that your loved one will hurt or accuse or confuse or punish you. Here are 7 qualities of people who emotionally abuse their loved ones.
1. Chronic Anger
Is someone you love seething with rage almost all the time and finds any reason at all to let the feeling loose on you? The abuser controls you by fear that he/she will erupt with anger over absolutely nothing, even a smile on your face.
2. Projecting His Or Her Negative Feelings On You
Does someone say, "You're always mad at me. You're so critical, you're so controlling," or a dozen other things to make you believe you're the negative one. The abuser is actually the one who feels these emotions and projects them on you. That way you're the bad one and he is the good one or the victim in the relationship.
3. Hypersensitivity
Does he/she make you feel you have to walk on eggshells? He/she tells you you hurt his feelings. You did something on purpose to ignore or bother him. This sensitivity makes you wonder if you are unkind, cold, mean and you are on the defensive about every action you make and everything you say.
4. Confusing the Issue
Are you lawyered to death. Does someone twist everything you say into something you didn't mean? This is actually turning your own words against you. You say one thing, and your abuser repeats these words as something else. It's another kind of lying, but again puts you in the wrong and on the defensive. You may end up being the one who blows up or feels guilty.
5. Lying About Things In the Past Or That's Happening Now
Does someone lie to you about what happened in the past, and even set up situations that repeat the same kind of incident over and over, but insist these things aren't happening? This is sometimes called gaslighting. If you're abused like this, you can feel you're crazy. Whatever you think is reality is actually shifting sands. When you doubt yourself, the abuser is in control.
6. The Silent Treatment
Are you given the silent treatment as a form of punishment and have to beg for forgiveness. The silent treatment is withholding and punishing. This is also a common way of controlling someone.
7. Playing The Victim
Does he/she make you feel you're the reason things go wrong? Playing the victim means the abuser manages his/her anger by creating a world in which you have consistently let them down, failed them, done the wrong thing. Playing the victim makes you feel responsible for another person's failures, mistakes and problems in life. This makes you feel guilty and motivates you to work harder at fixing your abuser's problems.
Troubled relationships are not just love or marriage relationships, you can be abused by friends, family members, siblings, even your children at any age.
If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship with a spouse or a lover be sure to get legal help and stay safe.
7 Sneaky Ways You May Be Abused
by Leslie Glass
Are you lavished with love one minute and raged at the next? Abusive behavior is a way to manipulate and control. And it's so confusing. On one side you want to be loved and loving, and those are great qualities. But controlling people who become emotional abusers are not able to manage or understand their feelings. Instead, they use their feelings to manage others.
Abusive Behavior Confuses And Punishes You
Manipulators are often narcissists who believe they are sensitive and good, while the other people in their lives are thoughtless, unkind, angry and cause things to go wrong in their world. If you live with a manipulative person, you may be in constant fear of punishment for something you've done wrong, or might do wrong, and are always trying to prevent or fix it. You become controlled be fear that your loved one will hurt or accuse or confuse or punish you. Here are 7 qualities of people who emotionally abuse their loved ones.
1. Chronic Anger
Is someone you love seething with rage almost all the time and finds any reason at all to let the feeling loose on you? The abuser controls you by fear that he/she will erupt with anger over absolutely nothing, even a smile on your face.
2. Projecting His Or Her Negative Feelings On You
Does someone say, "You're always mad at me. You're so critical, you're so controlling," or a dozen other things to make you believe you're the negative one. The abuser is actually the one who feels these emotions and projects them on you. That way you're the bad one and he is the good one or the victim in the relationship.
3. Hypersensitivity
Does he/she make you feel you have to walk on eggshells? He/she tells you you hurt his feelings. You did something on purpose to ignore or bother him. This sensitivity makes you wonder if you are unkind, cold, mean and you are on the defensive about every action you make and everything you say.
4. Confusing the Issue
Are you lawyered to death. Does someone twist everything you say into something you didn't mean? This is actually turning your own words against you. You say one thing, and your abuser repeats these words as something else. It's another kind of lying, but again puts you in the wrong and on the defensive. You may end up being the one who blows up or feels guilty.
5. Lying About Things In the Past Or That's Happening Now
Does someone lie to you about what happened in the past, and even set up situations that repeat the same kind of incident over and over, but insist these things aren't happening? This is sometimes called gaslighting. If you're abused like this, you can feel you're crazy. Whatever you think is reality is actually shifting sands. When you doubt yourself, the abuser is in control.
6. The Silent Treatment
Are you given the silent treatment as a form of punishment and have to beg for forgiveness. The silent treatment is withholding and punishing. This is also a common way of controlling someone.
7. Playing The Victim
Does he/she make you feel you're the reason things go wrong? Playing the victim means the abuser manages his/her anger by creating a world in which you have consistently let them down, failed them, done the wrong thing. Playing the victim makes you feel responsible for another person's failures, mistakes and problems in life. This makes you feel guilty and motivates you to work harder at fixing your abuser's problems.
Troubled relationships are not just love or marriage relationships, you can be abused by friends, family members, siblings, even your children at any age.
If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship with a spouse or a lover be sure to get legal help and stay safe.
Lies
From I Am A Mother To An Angel
My mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is,
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is,
She'll say that she's alright.
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She doesn't have a choice, you see.
Nor the strength enough to yell.
Ask my mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.
She will love me all her life.
I sure loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky you got in here, mom,
With all the lies you told!"
-Author Unknown
My mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is,
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is,
She'll say that she's alright.
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She doesn't have a choice, you see.
Nor the strength enough to yell.
Ask my mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.
She will love me all her life.
I sure loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky you got in here, mom,
With all the lies you told!"
-Author Unknown
Facets
How the pain of missing people never stops. When you burn your finger in a fire, it hurts, but it only hurts one way because you know what caused the pain and why the pain is there, and you know that it will settle, in a bit. But heart pain has facets. A thousand different sides, sharp and hard; most of them you don't even know exist, even when you're looking straight at them. When someone dies...you may think you know why your heart hurts. But wrapped in there are a hundred kinds of fear all tangled in a knot you can't untie. Nobody wants to be alone. We all fear being left alone, being left behind. I know such things exist. But you must learn to see death as something more than loss, more than absence, more than silence. You must learn to make mourning into memory. For once a person takes leave of his life, that life becomes so much more a part of ours. In death, they come to be in our keeping. The dead find their rest within us. Thus, in remembrance, we are never alone.
-Ari Berk
-Ari Berk
The day
One of the hardest things that has ever been required of me was the day that I had to let go as the angels carried you up to heaven.
Faith
By Max Lucado
Faith...is the conviction that God knows more than we do about life and He will get us through it, God's still in control.
Faith...is the conviction that God knows more than we do about life and He will get us through it, God's still in control.
Not the broken one
From M.C. Greene
Forgive yourself for trusting someone who meant only to deceive you.
You are not the broken one.
Forgive yourself for trusting someone who meant only to deceive you.
You are not the broken one.
Submit
Men want females to submit to them & be all for them & nobody else, YET they fail to realize in order for a female to do this...he has to make her happy. When a woman is happy, she'll do anything her man asks of her. PERIOD.
Not worthy
From A.W. Tozer
God loves you not because you are worthy, but because He is God and you are a fixture in His mind.
God loves you not because you are worthy, but because He is God and you are a fixture in His mind.
Billy Graham
Billy Graham died yesterday (which you probably know). What an amazing man and legacy!
"The most thrilling thing about heaven is that Jesus Christ will be there. I will see Him face to face. Jesus Christ will meet us at the end of life's journey."
"Someday you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don't believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I will just have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of Heaven."
"I am not going to Heaven because I have preached to great crowds or read the Bible many times. I'm going to Heaven just like the thief on the cross who said in that last moment, 'Lord, remember me.'"
"When we reach the end of our earthly journey, we will have just begun."
"We aren't only called to become Christians, we are also called to be Christians."
"The most thrilling thing about heaven is that Jesus Christ will be there. I will see Him face to face. Jesus Christ will meet us at the end of life's journey."
"Someday you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don't believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I will just have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of Heaven."
"I am not going to Heaven because I have preached to great crowds or read the Bible many times. I'm going to Heaven just like the thief on the cross who said in that last moment, 'Lord, remember me.'"
"When we reach the end of our earthly journey, we will have just begun."
"We aren't only called to become Christians, we are also called to be Christians."
Not good enough
Do you ever feel physically sick because you think you're not good enough for anyone and can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try
Fought so hard
When you have fought so hard to get back on your feet, don't ever go back to the people who knocked you down.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Never ignore
Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Separate us
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
Romans 8: 35, 37
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution,
or famine or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loves us.
Romans 8: 35, 37
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution,
or famine or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loves us.
Not fancy
This is from one of Max Lucado's Daily Devotionals. The title of it is Chat With God in the Closet.
Jesus is low on fancy but high on accessibility.
Jesus is low on fancy but high on accessibility.
No one
Was reading over lyrics of a Fun song (I think it was Stars) and this stood out to me:
No one is ever gonna stop us now.
No one is ever gonna stop us now.
Seeks love
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day.
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates friends.
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates friends.
Monday, February 19, 2018
2 1/2 years
To my dear sweet Hayden: Two years and six months...seems significant, but it's just another day without you. To quote something you tweeted once from Calvin & Hobbes, "Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon-everything is different."
To everyone else: Everything is different. I've lost some friendships and made new ones. I have a different outlook on life. I feel like I have a message to share with people I know who have sons his age-sons who are at a crossroads now with their lives, college, careers. There can be so much to worry about at this stage, but moms, be thankful for that. I don't have any more worries about Hayden-instead I have sorrow. I am glad that he is at peace and in the presence of the Lord now, but I miss him so much. I don't mean to scare anyone, but what happened to me can happen to anyone. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so treasure what you have now. I'm not saying this to get anyone to feel sorry for me, I want to use it as a reminder for you to cherish every moment that God gives you with your precious children.
I will leave you with an old thought and a new thought. The old thought is from some of my old blog posts I've been going through:
"Death changes everything.
Time changes nothing.
I still miss the sound of your voice,
the wisdom in your advice,
the stories of your life
and just being in your presence.
I miss you as much today
as I did the day you died.
I just miss you."
The new thought is from something I came across the other day on a Facebook page for mothers who have lost older children. It's by someone named Leah DuCharme:
"If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.
If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.
Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.
One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.
Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.
And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, the empty aching,
the answered prayers,
the sleepless nights,
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...
The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.
And in the time, they'll fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.
To everyone else: Everything is different. I've lost some friendships and made new ones. I have a different outlook on life. I feel like I have a message to share with people I know who have sons his age-sons who are at a crossroads now with their lives, college, careers. There can be so much to worry about at this stage, but moms, be thankful for that. I don't have any more worries about Hayden-instead I have sorrow. I am glad that he is at peace and in the presence of the Lord now, but I miss him so much. I don't mean to scare anyone, but what happened to me can happen to anyone. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so treasure what you have now. I'm not saying this to get anyone to feel sorry for me, I want to use it as a reminder for you to cherish every moment that God gives you with your precious children.
I will leave you with an old thought and a new thought. The old thought is from some of my old blog posts I've been going through:
"Death changes everything.
Time changes nothing.
I still miss the sound of your voice,
the wisdom in your advice,
the stories of your life
and just being in your presence.
I miss you as much today
as I did the day you died.
I just miss you."
The new thought is from something I came across the other day on a Facebook page for mothers who have lost older children. It's by someone named Leah DuCharme:
"If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.
If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.
Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.
One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.
Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.
And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, the empty aching,
the answered prayers,
the sleepless nights,
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...
The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.
And in the time, they'll fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.
What we learn
From r.h. Sin
So much of what we learn about love is taught by people who never really loved us.
So much of what we learn about love is taught by people who never really loved us.
Easy past
I've never met a strong person with an easy past. Be proud of your scars and take pride that you're still standing.
Evil-reverse
Abortion is the evil-reverse of the gospel. Instead of "I'll die for you," it says, "You die for me."
I just want
I just want someone to just be truly happy over me. Happy to see me. Happy to hear from me. Happy to know me.
Learn the difference
There's a difference between a boy who kinda likes you and a man who needs your soul next to his. Learn the difference.
You deserve
You deserve to be with someone who looks at you every single day like they've won the lottery and have the whole world in front of them.
If we are fortunate
This is from Surviving the Loss of An Older Child
It's by Leah DuCharme
If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.
If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones that our lives revolve around.
Life is a fragile affair
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.
One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.
Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.
And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...
The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying,
And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.
Urban dictionary
This made for an awkward but exciting conversation Sat. night. I sent out a photo of a donut shop that that had a letter missing in the sign, so it said, "Day Ight" donuts (instead of Daylight I'm guessing). I sent it to K and then later to Mom and Kaisa, but they all said they didn't get it.
I decided to look it up on urban dictionary to explain. When I sent it to K, it made me remember that there was a definition of Hayden on that once. Here it is:
"A Hayden is very smart but likes to hide it. He is sexy and confident. He is known as having a big ego but when really he doesn't think of himself like that, even though he acts it. Hayden is a very trustworthy person when you get to know them and the person you can tell all your problems to. He is kind when he wants to be and loves to crack the jokes. But watch out he is a flirt, he can make you fall in love with him without trying. If you have a Hayden in your life, you are very lucky."
Of course, that prompted other name look-ups. I'm not sure what website K looked up, but he said the one he found for his name made him out to be a sex maniac. Here's what I found for him:
"K is basically the best boyfriend ever. He's understanding, caring, and a great listener. You can act like a five year old with him but also have heart to heart conversations. K has his struggles but he always puts other people first. He acts strong but has a tendency to break down and not ask for help. He has the best eyes and personality. He can always manage to make you smile. K is the sweetest, funniest, most amazing guy you will ever meet. It is extraordinarily easy to fall in love with his cute, sweet, and incredible self."
Here's mine:
"A gorgeous lady that one of a kind, the most rare female on the face of the earth; the kind that every guy dreams about. She is confident, honest, loyal, protective of what she has, strong, artistic, beautiful inside and out, excellent lover. A tower of strength for those she cares for, the rock to her family. She is a person you can depend on, just don't go too far in crossing lines with her or those she loves. Or else you better run and get out of her way...because she will come out and get you."
I sent these both to him. Some of his answers were "Most definitely" and "Yes indeed" but not sure what he was referring to, because some of our texts were crossing. I think I will take it the way I want.
I decided to look it up on urban dictionary to explain. When I sent it to K, it made me remember that there was a definition of Hayden on that once. Here it is:
"A Hayden is very smart but likes to hide it. He is sexy and confident. He is known as having a big ego but when really he doesn't think of himself like that, even though he acts it. Hayden is a very trustworthy person when you get to know them and the person you can tell all your problems to. He is kind when he wants to be and loves to crack the jokes. But watch out he is a flirt, he can make you fall in love with him without trying. If you have a Hayden in your life, you are very lucky."
Of course, that prompted other name look-ups. I'm not sure what website K looked up, but he said the one he found for his name made him out to be a sex maniac. Here's what I found for him:
"K is basically the best boyfriend ever. He's understanding, caring, and a great listener. You can act like a five year old with him but also have heart to heart conversations. K has his struggles but he always puts other people first. He acts strong but has a tendency to break down and not ask for help. He has the best eyes and personality. He can always manage to make you smile. K is the sweetest, funniest, most amazing guy you will ever meet. It is extraordinarily easy to fall in love with his cute, sweet, and incredible self."
Here's mine:
"A gorgeous lady that one of a kind, the most rare female on the face of the earth; the kind that every guy dreams about. She is confident, honest, loyal, protective of what she has, strong, artistic, beautiful inside and out, excellent lover. A tower of strength for those she cares for, the rock to her family. She is a person you can depend on, just don't go too far in crossing lines with her or those she loves. Or else you better run and get out of her way...because she will come out and get you."
I sent these both to him. Some of his answers were "Most definitely" and "Yes indeed" but not sure what he was referring to, because some of our texts were crossing. I think I will take it the way I want.
Friday, February 16, 2018
Real relationships
Most people don't want to hear this, but real relationships that last involve a lot of forgiveness. You have to accept the fact that your partner isn't perfect & will hurt you, disappoint you, & upset you. You have to figure it out if you're willing to go through ups and downs with them.
(Maybe I will have one someday....)
(Maybe I will have one someday....)
Smile
This was interesting to me.
Smile, even if your smile is sad, for there is something more sad than a sad smile, it is the sadness of not knowing smile.
(Also confusing as I re-read it)
Smile, even if your smile is sad, for there is something more sad than a sad smile, it is the sadness of not knowing smile.
(Also confusing as I re-read it)
You'll want her back
From Herway.net
One Day You'll Want Her Back
She's been around for so long that you've taken her for granted. You thought that no matter what you said or did, she'd be there, because she's always been there. So you allowed yourself to treat her poorly. You allowed yourself to lose her.
How could you not see she was worth it? How could you not see she was the type of girl who deserved the world because she'd turn her world upside-down for you?
She tolerated you longer than anyone else would but she was always different, which is why she stayed so long. She always managed to find hope where nobody would ever think of looking. She managed to find hope in you when nobody thought there was any left. She stayed even when they told her to leave. She stayed even when you told her to leave.
She never wanted to leave your side. She never wanted to leave you high and dry. She didn't want to do it even when you made her feel like a wreck. Even when you told her to leave, she stayed. And she tried. And she fought for you. God knows how hard she tried and how hard she fought for you but it was until she realized there was nothing left to fight for and that even if she won that battle, she'd still leave the ring empty-handed. She would've never gotten you in the end.
Understand that she didn't leave you. You pushed her away.
Because no matter how different she might've been, no matter how strong she was, she got tired. And all the strength she had, she channeled it into leaving. You pushed her and she left even though she didn't want to.
You have no idea what you have done.
You have no idea how big of a mistake you've made in life. And the worst news for you is that there is nothing in this world you can do to undo it. Because once you take a girl like her for granted and you push her away and she actually leaves, there is no going back.
But, one day, you'll wake up and it will hit you.
One day, after you're done with all those airheaded girls you dated, after finishing living a meaningless life, after wandering for a long time and then deciding it's time to get serious about your life, it will hit you.
One day you'll wake up and you're gonna want her back.
Life will make you realize what you had - that girl who kept trying to be perfect for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you and loving you was the only way she knew how to do that. That girl who valued your flaws as much as your strengths. That girl you should've fought for, but you chose to let go.
That day you might get up out of bed all enthusiastic and you might make a plan of how to win her over. That day you'll finally make some sense out of your empty life and that day you'll finally have something to look forward to.
But by the time you get that she's more than worthy, there will be someone next to her who already spoiled her with his attention and admiration. She'll have someone who didn't take her for granted, someone who fought for her and not with her. You should've known that girls like her don't end up single. You should've known that there are guys who are just waiting for someone special like she is. It would be stupid to expect that she's going to be waiting for someone who never really appreciated her.
So when the reality hits you, don't try to approach her.
Don't bother telling her that she's the best thing you let slip through your fingers or how you appreciate everything she has ever done for you.
You didn't appreciate her when you had the chance and now she has moved on.
You're too late.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Independent females
Independent females are so undervalued...She doesn't even need you, she just wants you. She is going to do her own thing with or without you and that's a queen.
Love Differently
This is such a good article.
7 Ways Girls Broken By Narcissists Love Differently
from HerWay.net
(My favorite parts are about the new man who loves her)
I bet you thought you were in the most romantic love story of your life when you first met him. He brushed up against you and you clicked or he kissed you and your world turned upside down in a heartbeat. You fell under his control. You were his.
But that love story didn't last for long and it most certainly didn't have a happy ending. It took him a long time to lose the mask he put on for his one-man show to impress you, or maybe it's better to say for his hunt where he captured you in his cruel trap.
He was so addictive. You even knew he wasn't good for you, but you couldn't stop. You needed a fix of him and you kept coming back.
He was so consuming and convincing. His lies were so good that they bordered on fantasy. His story of his 'crazy' ex-girlfriend was so real that you believed every part of it until you later found out that she was only a victim the same as you were.
He slowly consumed you. He slowly set the scene the way it suited him. He needed things to be his way before he attacked. He faked interest in you and despite his own self-centeredness, he pretended that he had made you the center of his world. He wanted you to feel like you meant the world to him, so you started trusting him.
Once you trusted him, the rest was an easy game. He had you in his grip. You were powerless.
He isolated you from your friends and family because he convinced you that he was the only thing you needed and wanted in your life. When he finally succeeded in making you feel all alone in this world, he attacked.
The mask was off and suddenly this nightmare of yours became real. A little part of your hell became your reality and you couldn't escape it. You couldn't just wake up. It was real - it was happening.
These things became your everyday life. You couldn't escape it. He assured you that you were the crazy one. He twisted your memory, your identity, and he erased your self-esteem. You were an empty girl who he had fed with his twisted version of what was right. And you believed him.
But everything has an expiration date, and so does this nightmare. So many lies got to you in one place in a short period of time and they left a huge impact - they made a huge BOOM! You were left broken and alone, but finally free. You are now the girl who still knows how to love but you love differently...
1. You have no idea what real love is
Maybe you got a glimpse of what it should have been like at the beginning. He did the right thing in the beginning but it was all a lie. It wasn't because he loved you, it was because he wanted to lure you, to imprison you and destroy you. You never felt real love with him.
Now that you have met the right man, you don't know how to act around him. You doubt him and this unknown love you're receiving. You think everything is a big charade, a lie that will cost you later. His love confuses you and it takes time for you to relax and open up to accept something you deserved from the start.
2. You have trust issues
You didn't have a voice of your own in your previous relationship. You were just an outline and he held the brush to fill you in with the colors he chose. You hated those colors, but you couldn't erase them until you took control, until you took the brush and repainted yourself. You kept fearing you were going to be forced to relive the whole thing from the start. There was no trust. Your last relationship was built on lies.
It will take time for you to trust someone again, but your new man knows that. That's why he gives you all the space you need. That's why he doesn't want to be hurt by the things you do out of fear. He knows you need time to heal and he will be there for you. He will wait for you because he loves you.
3. You want to destroy everything that's good
You subconsciously destroy your chance of happiness. You try to sabotage the only real relationship you've ever had. You try to chase away the only man you has ever truly loved you. The fact he seems perfect scares you because the narcissistic bastard was also perfect, even too perfect, and you ended up in the lowest pit of your life's journey.
You try to ruin your relationship now because you can't accept the fact that something good is happening to you. You were poisoned for too long and you are unable to accept that there's a clean and healthy life waiting for you.
4. You apologize for everything
You were used to carrying all the weight of your relationship. You were used to being the one at fault all the time. You actually thought everything was your fault. You were in dead-end situations, where you didn't know how to react properly, so you reached for an apology every time. That was the only thing you knew would be the only thing he would accept.
The man who truly loves you doesn't let you apologize all the time. The man who's trying to show you real love is ready to confess when he is wrong. He is ready to say, "I'm sorry."
5. You're distant
It will take time for you to let go and trust anyone. You will keep your distance because you are still hurting and you are not sure if this guy is the right one. You've been beaten and you still ache. You don't want to ache any more. Your heart is telling you it's okay and that you should allow him to get near you, but your mind keeps running away.
Don't worry. That period won't last forever. He won't let it last. He will fight with everything he's got to prove himself and to gain your trust. He will tie you gently with his love and you won't be able to escape. He won't let you.
6. You are waiting for a 'boom'
There won't be any. You are insecure because things are running smoothly. He is the most wonderful man you've ever met and he keeps showering you with all the love and attention you deserve. It never stops. You are just waiting for lies to bounce back to you. You are waiting for a tsunami of evil and manipulative lies, but there is no tsunami in front of you. All you see is a clear sky and calm sea.
You keep your guard up because you are careful and scared. You've built a wall around you, which he will tear down with his love to find you to cherish and nourish back to health.
7. You need to feel safe
You need a promise that everything is going to be fine. You need him to make you believe that and it's hard because you have difficulties believing and you know it's not easy for him either. You need a safe place where you are loved and where you can finally love back.
You need him because you have all this love to give. You need him to scare away the fear and, with your help, open a new chapter of your life and your lives together.
He knows you love differently, that's why he loves you even more. You might have been broken when he met you, but you won't be for much longer.
7 Ways Girls Broken By Narcissists Love Differently
from HerWay.net
(My favorite parts are about the new man who loves her)
I bet you thought you were in the most romantic love story of your life when you first met him. He brushed up against you and you clicked or he kissed you and your world turned upside down in a heartbeat. You fell under his control. You were his.
But that love story didn't last for long and it most certainly didn't have a happy ending. It took him a long time to lose the mask he put on for his one-man show to impress you, or maybe it's better to say for his hunt where he captured you in his cruel trap.
He was so addictive. You even knew he wasn't good for you, but you couldn't stop. You needed a fix of him and you kept coming back.
He was so consuming and convincing. His lies were so good that they bordered on fantasy. His story of his 'crazy' ex-girlfriend was so real that you believed every part of it until you later found out that she was only a victim the same as you were.
He slowly consumed you. He slowly set the scene the way it suited him. He needed things to be his way before he attacked. He faked interest in you and despite his own self-centeredness, he pretended that he had made you the center of his world. He wanted you to feel like you meant the world to him, so you started trusting him.
Once you trusted him, the rest was an easy game. He had you in his grip. You were powerless.
He isolated you from your friends and family because he convinced you that he was the only thing you needed and wanted in your life. When he finally succeeded in making you feel all alone in this world, he attacked.
The mask was off and suddenly this nightmare of yours became real. A little part of your hell became your reality and you couldn't escape it. You couldn't just wake up. It was real - it was happening.
These things became your everyday life. You couldn't escape it. He assured you that you were the crazy one. He twisted your memory, your identity, and he erased your self-esteem. You were an empty girl who he had fed with his twisted version of what was right. And you believed him.
But everything has an expiration date, and so does this nightmare. So many lies got to you in one place in a short period of time and they left a huge impact - they made a huge BOOM! You were left broken and alone, but finally free. You are now the girl who still knows how to love but you love differently...
1. You have no idea what real love is
Maybe you got a glimpse of what it should have been like at the beginning. He did the right thing in the beginning but it was all a lie. It wasn't because he loved you, it was because he wanted to lure you, to imprison you and destroy you. You never felt real love with him.
Now that you have met the right man, you don't know how to act around him. You doubt him and this unknown love you're receiving. You think everything is a big charade, a lie that will cost you later. His love confuses you and it takes time for you to relax and open up to accept something you deserved from the start.
2. You have trust issues
You didn't have a voice of your own in your previous relationship. You were just an outline and he held the brush to fill you in with the colors he chose. You hated those colors, but you couldn't erase them until you took control, until you took the brush and repainted yourself. You kept fearing you were going to be forced to relive the whole thing from the start. There was no trust. Your last relationship was built on lies.
It will take time for you to trust someone again, but your new man knows that. That's why he gives you all the space you need. That's why he doesn't want to be hurt by the things you do out of fear. He knows you need time to heal and he will be there for you. He will wait for you because he loves you.
3. You want to destroy everything that's good
You subconsciously destroy your chance of happiness. You try to sabotage the only real relationship you've ever had. You try to chase away the only man you has ever truly loved you. The fact he seems perfect scares you because the narcissistic bastard was also perfect, even too perfect, and you ended up in the lowest pit of your life's journey.
You try to ruin your relationship now because you can't accept the fact that something good is happening to you. You were poisoned for too long and you are unable to accept that there's a clean and healthy life waiting for you.
4. You apologize for everything
You were used to carrying all the weight of your relationship. You were used to being the one at fault all the time. You actually thought everything was your fault. You were in dead-end situations, where you didn't know how to react properly, so you reached for an apology every time. That was the only thing you knew would be the only thing he would accept.
The man who truly loves you doesn't let you apologize all the time. The man who's trying to show you real love is ready to confess when he is wrong. He is ready to say, "I'm sorry."
5. You're distant
It will take time for you to let go and trust anyone. You will keep your distance because you are still hurting and you are not sure if this guy is the right one. You've been beaten and you still ache. You don't want to ache any more. Your heart is telling you it's okay and that you should allow him to get near you, but your mind keeps running away.
Don't worry. That period won't last forever. He won't let it last. He will fight with everything he's got to prove himself and to gain your trust. He will tie you gently with his love and you won't be able to escape. He won't let you.
6. You are waiting for a 'boom'
There won't be any. You are insecure because things are running smoothly. He is the most wonderful man you've ever met and he keeps showering you with all the love and attention you deserve. It never stops. You are just waiting for lies to bounce back to you. You are waiting for a tsunami of evil and manipulative lies, but there is no tsunami in front of you. All you see is a clear sky and calm sea.
You keep your guard up because you are careful and scared. You've built a wall around you, which he will tear down with his love to find you to cherish and nourish back to health.
7. You need to feel safe
You need a promise that everything is going to be fine. You need him to make you believe that and it's hard because you have difficulties believing and you know it's not easy for him either. You need a safe place where you are loved and where you can finally love back.
You need him because you have all this love to give. You need him to scare away the fear and, with your help, open a new chapter of your life and your lives together.
He knows you love differently, that's why he loves you even more. You might have been broken when he met you, but you won't be for much longer.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
That kind
That kind of love...
I want a "just checking in" kind of love.
a "baby did you eat today?" kind of love.
a "you're the first person I told" kind of love.
an "I love you before you leave" kind of love.
an "I love you" before we say bye kind of love.
an "I noticed that you need this so I got it for you".
a "we're not going to bed til we've made up".
a wipe my tears away kind of love.
a nonstop joke fest until I smile again kind of love.
a goofy smile when I walk in the room kind of love.
a hold me until my panic attack passes kind of love.
a rub my back after work kind of love.
I just want to feel completely, totally, truly loved.
Slight chance
If there's even a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy, RISK IT. Life's too short and happiness is too rare.
Weren't mature enough
R.I.P. to all the guys that lost a good girl because they weren't mature enough to keep her.
No more moments
I know it feels like you have all the time in the world, but you don't.
So stop playing it so cool.
Catch the moments of your life.
Catch them while you're young and quick.
Because sooner than you know it you'll be old and slow.
And there'll be no more moments to catch.
So stop playing it so cool.
Catch the moments of your life.
Catch them while you're young and quick.
Because sooner than you know it you'll be old and slow.
And there'll be no more moments to catch.
Unstoppable
From Beau Taplin
She was unstoppable, not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them.
She was unstoppable, not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them.
Those who watch them
Quote from Albert Einstein
The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.
The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Example of Jesus
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
The Compelling Example of Jesus
Prayer:
Father, you've made me your child through your Spirit. In your kindness you have adopted me and delivered me from sin and death. Remind me today what it means to be your child.
It is so easy for me to live every day on my own terms. Help me to live it in light of your grace.
Thank you for accepting me as I am but not leaving me the same. In Jesus' name, Amen.
The Compelling Example of Jesus
Prayer:
Father, you've made me your child through your Spirit. In your kindness you have adopted me and delivered me from sin and death. Remind me today what it means to be your child.
It is so easy for me to live every day on my own terms. Help me to live it in light of your grace.
Thank you for accepting me as I am but not leaving me the same. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Simple prayer
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
I'm A Recovering Prayer Wimp
Simple prayer:
Father, You are good.
I need help. Heal me and forgive me.
They need help.
Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I'm A Recovering Prayer Wimp
Simple prayer:
Father, You are good.
I need help. Heal me and forgive me.
They need help.
Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Love does not
Yesterday's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
Monday, February 12, 2018
Exciting
Because this is cute
Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we'll be in next or for how long.
Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we'll be in next or for how long.
Pray big
Pray so big and so often that when God meets you at Heaven's gate, he says with a smile, "Kid, you kept me very busy."
Just as painful
Emotional abuse is just as painful as physical abuse. When children are being overly criticized and not given the proper emotional stability that they deserve they will have no self esteem, and become very unhealthy adults. When you belittle or berate your children the pain lasts a lifetime. Be careful with your words, because harsh words can never be taken back nor forgotten.
Death changes everything
Death changes Everything.
Time changes Nothing.
I still miss the sound of your voice,
the wisdom in your advice,
the stories of your life
and just being in your presence.
So no, time changes nothing.
I miss you as much as I did the day you died.
I just miss you.
Hard lesson
This was posted on Tammi's wall
A very hard lesson to learn...but a true lesson in this journey of faith
I was in Dollar Tree last night and there was a lady and two kids behind me in the LONG line. One was a big kid, one was a toddler. The bigger one had a pack of glowsticks and the baby was screaming for them so the Mom opened the pack and gave him one, which stopped his tears. He walked around with it smiling, but then the bigger boy took it and the baby started screaming again. Just as the Mom was about to fuss at the older child, he bent the glowstick and handed it back to the baby. As we walked outside at the same time, the baby noticed that the stick was now glowing and his brother said, "I had to break it so you could get the full effect from it." I almost ran because I could hear God saying to me, "I had to break you to show you why I created you. You had to go through it so you could fulfill your purpose." That little baby was happy just swinging that "unbroken" glowstick around in the air because he didn't understand what it was created to do which was "glow." There are some people who will be content just "being" but some of us that God has chosen, we have to be "broken." We have to get sick. We go through the divorce. We have to bury our spouse, parents, best friend, or our child because, in those moments of desperation, God is breaking us but when the breaking is done, then we will be able to see the reason for which we were created.
A very hard lesson to learn...but a true lesson in this journey of faith
I was in Dollar Tree last night and there was a lady and two kids behind me in the LONG line. One was a big kid, one was a toddler. The bigger one had a pack of glowsticks and the baby was screaming for them so the Mom opened the pack and gave him one, which stopped his tears. He walked around with it smiling, but then the bigger boy took it and the baby started screaming again. Just as the Mom was about to fuss at the older child, he bent the glowstick and handed it back to the baby. As we walked outside at the same time, the baby noticed that the stick was now glowing and his brother said, "I had to break it so you could get the full effect from it." I almost ran because I could hear God saying to me, "I had to break you to show you why I created you. You had to go through it so you could fulfill your purpose." That little baby was happy just swinging that "unbroken" glowstick around in the air because he didn't understand what it was created to do which was "glow." There are some people who will be content just "being" but some of us that God has chosen, we have to be "broken." We have to get sick. We go through the divorce. We have to bury our spouse, parents, best friend, or our child because, in those moments of desperation, God is breaking us but when the breaking is done, then we will be able to see the reason for which we were created.
Lost someone
This is not in relation to you, it's about Dad.
If you lost someone
but found yourself,
you won.
Clear your path
From Toby Mac
Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.
Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.
Your friend
By author Alice Walker
No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.
No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.
About my son
About My Son
The days will always
be brighter because he existed.
The nights will always be darker
because he's gone.
And no matter what anybody says
about grief, and about time healing
all wounds, the truth is,
there are certain sorrows that
never fade away until the heart
stops beating and the last breath is taken.
Many things
By Martin Luther.
Many things I have tried to grasp, and have lost. That which I have placed in God's hand I still have.
Many things I have tried to grasp, and have lost. That which I have placed in God's hand I still have.
Give me one song
From I Am A Mother To An Angel
Give me one song.
One song only, that means a
lot to you. I will listen to it.
Then I will know you much better.
Risk it
If there's even a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy, RISK IT. Life's too short and happiness is too rare.
Hidden in God
A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.
Bear the unbearable
For something within you dies when you bear the unbearable-and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.
Our focus
Good reminder from an article I read...
Our focus has to be on urging men to love their wives like Christ loves the church, not on telling women to put up with husbands mistreating their wives like Satan mistreats us.
Our focus has to be on urging men to love their wives like Christ loves the church, not on telling women to put up with husbands mistreating their wives like Satan mistreats us.
Friday, February 9, 2018
30 seconds
Last night when I left Grandma's house and got in the van to drive home, I noticed that there was a 30 Seconds To Mars song on the radio. I have never come across a song by them on the radio that I can recall. The song was Dangerous Night. I tracked it down on YouTube and here are the lyrics. Thank you for that!
Dangerous Night
by 30 Seconds To Mars
We burned and we bled
We try to forget
But the memories left
Are still haunting
The walls that we built
From bottles and pills
We swallow until
We're not talking
I
I am a man on fire
You
A violent desire
What a dangerous night to fall in love
Don't know why we still hide what we become
Do you want to cross the line?
We're running out of time
A dangerous night to fall in love
Started a stranger
A lover in danger
The edge of a knife
The face of an angel
The heart of a ghost
Was it a dream?
I
I am a man on fire
You
A violent desire
What a dangerous night to fall in love
Don't know why we still hide what we've become
Do you want to cross the line?
We're running out of time
A dangerous night to fall in love
I
I am a man on fire
You
A violent desire
A dangerous night to fall in love
A dangerous night to fall in love
Do you want to cross the line?
We're running out of time
A dangerous night to fall in love
A dangerous night to fall in love
A dangerous night to fall in love
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Don't cry for me
Don't cry for me. I will be okay.
Heaven is my home now, and this is where I'll stay.
Don't cry for me, I'm where I belong.
I want you to be happy and try to stay strong.
Don't cry for me. It was just my time,
but I will see you someday on the other side.
Don't cry for me. I am not alone.
The angels are with me to welcome me home.
Don't cry for me, for I have no fear
All my pain is gone, and Jesus took my tears.
Don't cry for me. This is not the end.
I'll be waiting for you, when we meet again.
Love your enemies
From today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Matthew 5:43-45
Love Your Enemies
You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy."But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust.
Matthew 5:43-45
Love Your Enemies
You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy."But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust.
Police officers
From a post by Jake D. (excerpts)
Police Officers
...I have pulled dead, mangled bodies from cars.
I have lied to people as they were dying.
I said you are going to be fine as I held their hand and watched the life fade out.
Police Officers
...I have pulled dead, mangled bodies from cars.
I have lied to people as they were dying.
I said you are going to be fine as I held their hand and watched the life fade out.
Conversation from the heart
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Conversation From The Heart
Prayer isn't a privilege for the pious, nor the art of a chosen few. Prayer is simply a heartfelt conversation between God and His child. When we invite God into our world, He brings a host of gifts: joy, patience, and resilience. Anxieties come, but they don't stick. Fears surface and then depart. I'm completing my sixth decade, yet I'm wired with energy...happier, healthier, and more hopeful! Struggles come, for sure, but so does God.
My friend, He wants to talk with you. Even now as you hear these words, He taps the door. Open it. Welcome Him in and let the conversation begin. Here's my challenge to you! Every day for 4 weeks, pray 4 minutes. Then get ready to connect with God like never before!
Drowsy driving
Came across this article today. Always an interesting thought...
Drowsy driving epidemic: Tired motorists causing 8 times as many crashes as once thought
by Nathan Bomey and Bart Jansen, USA TODAY (I think Nathan Bomey is from Saline)
Drowsy driving plays a role in nearly eight times as many accidents as federal estimates suggest, according to a study released Thursday.
Using in-vehicle camera footage of thousands of drivers who had agreed to participate in the study, the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety concluded that motorists are falling asleep at the wheel at alarming rates.
The AAA study examined more than 700 crashes, analyzing three minutes of video of drivers' faces leading up to the accidents. They used a scientific gauge to determine whether the driver was sleepy.
In about 9.5% of crashes, drowsiness was a factor. And it was a key factor in 10.8% of accidents that caused serious property damage.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) had reported that driver drowsiness was involved in 1.4% of all police-reported crashes, 2% of crashes resulting in injuries and 2.4% that resulted in death from 2011 to 2015.
The primary reason for the disparity between government statistics and the AAA study is likely that it's extremely difficult for law enforcement officials to determine when drowsiness was a factor unless the driver admits it.
Kerrie Warne, a St. Louis-area resident whose 18-year-old son was killed when he fell asleep while traveling on the highway, said it's critical to build awareness of the severity of driving while tired.
"My son could have been the poster child for a drowsy-driving crash," said Warne, who later founded a non-profit called Tyler Raising Education for Drowsy Driving to educate people on the dangers. "We have to do something because parents shouldn't have to bury their kids, and brothers and sisters shouldn't have to bury their siblings."
Given the percentages, drowsy driving may have accounted for several thousand of the more than 37,000 American roadway deaths in 2016, said William Horrey, group leader of the AAA foundation for Traffic Safety's Traffic Research Group. That's the latest year for which figures are available.
The AAA Foundation recommends sleeping at least seven hours a night before driving.
But about 35% of U.S. drivers sleep less than that, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Getting just four or five hours can more than quadruple the risk of an accident, according to AAA.
"Really the only effective countermeasure for drowsiness is sleep, so we want to encourage people to really try to prioritize and allocate enough time to get a good night's rest," Horrey said.
Part of the problem is that many Americans need to change their lifestyles to sleep more, said Jennifer Pearce, a Virginia resident whose sister Nicole Lee was killed in a drowsy-driving crash in 2008.
"It's such a cultural issue," said Pearce, who said she tries to get eight hours of sleep every night. "It's almost like it's cooler, even as adults, to be able to do these monumental things on as little sleep" as possible.
You know you shouldn't be behind the wheel if you're having trouble keeping your eyes open, drifting from your lane or having difficulty recalling the last several miles.
Slapping yourself to stay awake? That won't work. Neither will drinking caffeine or rolling down the windows.
Those are temporary measures that fade fast, experts said.
In addition to getting enough sleep, it's best to avoid driving at times you'd normally be sleeping. And drivers should certainly avoid medications that cause drowsiness. They should also schedule breaks.
A short nap at a rest stop can make a big difference.
"We really don't want to be relying on our bodies to tell us that we're fatigued," Horrey said. "We really want to be aware and avoid it in the first place."
Warne said another good step is to turn off digital devices at least an hour before bed to ensure a good night's rest.
She said the federal government needs to take drowsy driving more seriously by investing heavily in public education.
An NHTSA spokeperson was not available for comment on this story.
The AAA report was based on footage from the federally funded Second Strategic Highway Research Program's Naturalistic Driving Study, which involved monitoring 3,593 drivers from six locations for several months.
Drowsy driving epidemic: Tired motorists causing 8 times as many crashes as once thought
by Nathan Bomey and Bart Jansen, USA TODAY (I think Nathan Bomey is from Saline)
Drowsy driving plays a role in nearly eight times as many accidents as federal estimates suggest, according to a study released Thursday.
Using in-vehicle camera footage of thousands of drivers who had agreed to participate in the study, the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety concluded that motorists are falling asleep at the wheel at alarming rates.
The AAA study examined more than 700 crashes, analyzing three minutes of video of drivers' faces leading up to the accidents. They used a scientific gauge to determine whether the driver was sleepy.
In about 9.5% of crashes, drowsiness was a factor. And it was a key factor in 10.8% of accidents that caused serious property damage.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) had reported that driver drowsiness was involved in 1.4% of all police-reported crashes, 2% of crashes resulting in injuries and 2.4% that resulted in death from 2011 to 2015.
The primary reason for the disparity between government statistics and the AAA study is likely that it's extremely difficult for law enforcement officials to determine when drowsiness was a factor unless the driver admits it.
Kerrie Warne, a St. Louis-area resident whose 18-year-old son was killed when he fell asleep while traveling on the highway, said it's critical to build awareness of the severity of driving while tired.
"My son could have been the poster child for a drowsy-driving crash," said Warne, who later founded a non-profit called Tyler Raising Education for Drowsy Driving to educate people on the dangers. "We have to do something because parents shouldn't have to bury their kids, and brothers and sisters shouldn't have to bury their siblings."
Given the percentages, drowsy driving may have accounted for several thousand of the more than 37,000 American roadway deaths in 2016, said William Horrey, group leader of the AAA foundation for Traffic Safety's Traffic Research Group. That's the latest year for which figures are available.
The AAA Foundation recommends sleeping at least seven hours a night before driving.
But about 35% of U.S. drivers sleep less than that, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Getting just four or five hours can more than quadruple the risk of an accident, according to AAA.
"Really the only effective countermeasure for drowsiness is sleep, so we want to encourage people to really try to prioritize and allocate enough time to get a good night's rest," Horrey said.
Part of the problem is that many Americans need to change their lifestyles to sleep more, said Jennifer Pearce, a Virginia resident whose sister Nicole Lee was killed in a drowsy-driving crash in 2008.
"It's such a cultural issue," said Pearce, who said she tries to get eight hours of sleep every night. "It's almost like it's cooler, even as adults, to be able to do these monumental things on as little sleep" as possible.
You know you shouldn't be behind the wheel if you're having trouble keeping your eyes open, drifting from your lane or having difficulty recalling the last several miles.
Slapping yourself to stay awake? That won't work. Neither will drinking caffeine or rolling down the windows.
Those are temporary measures that fade fast, experts said.
In addition to getting enough sleep, it's best to avoid driving at times you'd normally be sleeping. And drivers should certainly avoid medications that cause drowsiness. They should also schedule breaks.
A short nap at a rest stop can make a big difference.
"We really don't want to be relying on our bodies to tell us that we're fatigued," Horrey said. "We really want to be aware and avoid it in the first place."
Warne said another good step is to turn off digital devices at least an hour before bed to ensure a good night's rest.
She said the federal government needs to take drowsy driving more seriously by investing heavily in public education.
An NHTSA spokeperson was not available for comment on this story.
The AAA report was based on footage from the federally funded Second Strategic Highway Research Program's Naturalistic Driving Study, which involved monitoring 3,593 drivers from six locations for several months.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
A promise
A Marriage is a Promise
A marriage is a promise that
two hearts
gladly make;
a promise to be
tender, to help,
to give and take
A marriage is a promise
to be kind and
understanding,
to be thoughtful
and considerate,
fair and understanding
A marriage is a promise
to share one life together
A love-filled promise
meant to be kept
lovingly together
Being a woman
Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we'll be in next or for how long.
Sorry
She said sorry too often.
She apologized for apologizing too much.
She said sorry like it was a greeting.
She apologized for everything that goes wrong,
because she labeled herself a disaster.
She was sorry for not being good enough,
because no one ever told her she was good enough.
No one ever told her that she was something more than the
mess inside her head and the tsunami inside her heart.
So all she learned was to apologize for every single breath she took.
She apologized for apologizing too much.
She said sorry like it was a greeting.
She apologized for everything that goes wrong,
because she labeled herself a disaster.
She was sorry for not being good enough,
because no one ever told her she was good enough.
No one ever told her that she was something more than the
mess inside her head and the tsunami inside her heart.
So all she learned was to apologize for every single breath she took.
Simple Formula
Simple Formula For Living
Live beneath your means.
Return everything you borrow.
Stop blaming other people.
Admit when you make a mistake.
Give clothes not worn to charity.
Do something nice and try not to get caught.
Listen more; talk less.
Every day take a 30 min. walk.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Be on time. Don't make excuses.
Don't argue. Get organized.
Be kind to unkind people.
Let someone cut ahead of you in line.
Take time to be alone.
Cultivate good manners.
Be humble.
Realize and accept that life isn't fair.
Know when to keep your mouth shut.
Go an entire day without criticizing anyone.
Learn from the past. Plan for the future.
Live in the present.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's all small stuff.
Live beneath your means.
Return everything you borrow.
Stop blaming other people.
Admit when you make a mistake.
Give clothes not worn to charity.
Do something nice and try not to get caught.
Listen more; talk less.
Every day take a 30 min. walk.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Be on time. Don't make excuses.
Don't argue. Get organized.
Be kind to unkind people.
Let someone cut ahead of you in line.
Take time to be alone.
Cultivate good manners.
Be humble.
Realize and accept that life isn't fair.
Know when to keep your mouth shut.
Go an entire day without criticizing anyone.
Learn from the past. Plan for the future.
Live in the present.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's all small stuff.
Lessons
This is from an article, 6 Lessons From My Doomed Marriage
(On doing the "right" thing):
"Right" is just a dead mental concept. What you truly want can be trusted. What you truly want is all you can really know for sure.
The world is full of people waiting to give you love and compassion. Seek them out, enjoy them, and celebrate them. Don't waste your life being stuck with people who aren't giving you the love you deserve.
(On doing the "right" thing):
"Right" is just a dead mental concept. What you truly want can be trusted. What you truly want is all you can really know for sure.
The world is full of people waiting to give you love and compassion. Seek them out, enjoy them, and celebrate them. Don't waste your life being stuck with people who aren't giving you the love you deserve.
You who love the Lord
From today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 97:10
You who love the Lord, hate evil!
He preserves the souls of His saints;
He delivers them out of the hand of the wicked.
Psalm 97:10
You who love the Lord, hate evil!
He preserves the souls of His saints;
He delivers them out of the hand of the wicked.
As Christians
This was from an article I read today.
Grand Traverse County, MI-The driver who lost control of her vehicle and killed a 25-year-old Kingsley man who was snow-blowing his driveway on Dec. 6 will not face criminal charges.
"We're Christians and we believe what happened was an accident timed by God." Delmar Troyer said. "We had no desire to see her prosecuted."
Grand Traverse County, MI-The driver who lost control of her vehicle and killed a 25-year-old Kingsley man who was snow-blowing his driveway on Dec. 6 will not face criminal charges.
"We're Christians and we believe what happened was an accident timed by God." Delmar Troyer said. "We had no desire to see her prosecuted."
Leaving
This was from an article about Reese Witherspoon being interviewed by Oprah about leaving an abusive relationship (excerpts).
"Most difficult decision" she ever had to make to fulfill her destiny was "leaving an abusive relationship."
She faced psychological, verbal abuse on several occasions from a person in her past.
As for what led her to leave the relationship, Witherspoon recalls, "A line got drawn in the sand and it got crossed and my brain just switched and I knew it was going to be very difficult, but I just couldn't go any further."
W. believes that it was at this moment that altered the trajectory of her life. "I could never be the person I am today," she explains. "It changed who I was on a cellular level, the fact that I stood up for myself. None of those leaving those situations...it's wrought with self-doubt, particularly if someone damages your self-esteem."
She continues, "People say to me that knew me then, 'You're a completely different person.' I didn't have self-esteem. I'm a different person now and it's part of why I can stand up and say, 'yes, I'm ambitious.'-because someone tried to take that from me before."
"Most difficult decision" she ever had to make to fulfill her destiny was "leaving an abusive relationship."
She faced psychological, verbal abuse on several occasions from a person in her past.
As for what led her to leave the relationship, Witherspoon recalls, "A line got drawn in the sand and it got crossed and my brain just switched and I knew it was going to be very difficult, but I just couldn't go any further."
W. believes that it was at this moment that altered the trajectory of her life. "I could never be the person I am today," she explains. "It changed who I was on a cellular level, the fact that I stood up for myself. None of those leaving those situations...it's wrought with self-doubt, particularly if someone damages your self-esteem."
She continues, "People say to me that knew me then, 'You're a completely different person.' I didn't have self-esteem. I'm a different person now and it's part of why I can stand up and say, 'yes, I'm ambitious.'-because someone tried to take that from me before."
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