Shattered

Here are some excerpts from another #On Coming Alive story. This one is called "I Am Living" by Michelle Villalobos

(August 20, 2015) is the day my heart shattered. It's the day everything I thought I knew disintegrated right in front of me. It's the day my world imploded. It's the day I watched my perfectly healthy (son) die.

It was sudden. (He) was fine, and then (he) wasn't.

The days, weeks, and months after (Hayden) died were dark, desolate, quiet but for the constant screaming in my head.....I was in a very scary place and understandably so. My world had just been turned on its head, hammered to pieces, and thrown into the wood grinder. Any semblance of ground to stand on was gone. Every piece of me was gone; I died right alongside my (boy). I started to write a blog to get everything spinning through my head down. It was scary, dark, angry things. I vividly remember a night sobbing in front of my computer typing that I was always going to feel that way. I wanted to feel like that forever because if I wasn't feeling that way then I wasn't remembering, honoring, grieving, or loving (Hayden) anymore, I thought. Surely I couldn't go on living a joyful life after the death of my child.

In those early days, I could not fathom having joy in my life again. I could not fathom truly living. I didn't want to. Who would want to live without one of their children here?

My (Hayden) died, and it is truly dreadful. It's terrible, disgusting, and it's impossible to comprehend. But I'm still here. I'm here and I'm living.

I'm living for (him), because she doesn't get to anymore...So, for the time I have left, I will live for the both of us.

This is who I am now. I'm different, but I'm living.

The last key to this for me was acceptance. I had to accept that my child died. I had to accept that there was nothing I could have done to save (him). I had to accept that it wasn't my fault that (he) died. This is something I said I would never do. I could never imagine accepting that my child died. Right in front of me. (He) died, and it's not my fault. I would have done anything to save (him), including dying in (his) place. It's not okay that (he) died. I'm not okay with (his) death, but I have accepted it as part of my story.

(Hayden) will always and forever be my son. I will never stop missing (him). I will always love (him) more today than I did yesterday, but the fact of the matter is that (he) died, and I didn't. So for (him), and for myself, I am living.